PIEFOLK

SunDATE: Can’t You Do Better?

February 12, 2012February 12, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by tri vo

Me: Hi.

Him: Hi.

(pause)

Him: Is that all? Just hi?

Me: I’m sorry. My focus wandered.

Him: Surely you have more to say than just hi?

Me: Well, to be fair, the only thing you said was hi.

Him: Yes, but I didn’t start the conversation, you did.

Me: Hm. Yes. That’s a logical argument.

(pause)

Him: So?

Me: Oh. Right. Um. I was going to ask how your evening was going, but I got distracted.

Him: By what?

Me: You smiled over my shoulder, at your friend, and you looked really cute when you did that. It took me back for a second.

Him: Oh brother.

Me: I know, right? Compliments. What an asshole.

Him: You were going to ask how my evening was going?

Me: I was.

Him: That sounds like such a canned question. Contrived. Can’t you do better?

Me: Apparently on this particular evening it’s all I can muster. What should I have said?

Him: I don’t know – I’m not the one going up to a stranger in a bar and saying hi.

Me: You act like I cut a huge fart while meeting the Queen of England or something.

Him: Ha. I like that image. Do you watch Downton Abbey?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it required for urban gays?

Him: Yes. Finally, something I like about you.

Me: Do you get laid often?

Him: Finally, an interesting question. No. To be honest, I don’t go on a lot of dates.

Me: Shocker.

Him: Is it? Shocking?

Me: Given your behavior tonight? Totally.

Him: Aw. I’m not easy. I’m known as being pretty difficult amongst my friends.

Me: Well… Nothing worth while is easy.

Him: Profound. What do you do for a living?

Me: I do freelance writing and I teach improv at night.

Him: Oh, brother.

Me: Tell me about it.

Him: Improv, like with funny costumes and crazy wigs??

Me: No

Him: ‘Cause I saw an improv show in Boston and that’s what it was.

Me: They don’t let me teach the class on crazy wigs.

Him: Good thing.

(pause)

Him: Hey, I’m going home. Do you want to walk me to the corner and kiss me good night?

Me: Hm…

Him: Hm?

Me: Well, I want to, but given your behavior I really shouldn’t.

(pause)

Me: Okay fine.

Him: Fine?

Me: Yeah, I’ll walk you to the subway.

(pause)

Me: Jerk.

Advice

February 6, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

drawing by dale cooper

Hi there!

I found your blog a couple of months ago and fell in love. Brooklyn, pie, ukuleles…what’s not to love? So, I’m feeling a little weird writing to you for advice as you’re a complete stranger. As I’m writing this, though, I’m thinking that maybe that’s what I need…an unbiased opinion.

Here’s the story:

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple months ago. We’d been together for 3.5 years. I love him. Always will. We didn’t have the best relationship towards the end.

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Two weeks after we broke up, we tried getting back together. We both really believed in us. We decided to take things slowly so that we could both have a chance to grow more and not be so dependent on the other person. Another two weeks later, he invites me to his work holiday party. First, he blows off our plan of meeting up and going to the party together. Fine. I meet him there where he is already a few drinks in. He basically ignores me the whole night and flirts with the cute host (a friend of his from his school days) the entire evening. Like touching and obnoxiously laughing. With me sitting right beside him. So, I feel extremely awkward and tell him that maybe it would be best if I leave and we can talk about it the next day. He tells me to stay, and then I call him out on his behavior which he just laughs off and calls me ridiculous. I press the point. He pauses and tells me that he doesn’t think he can love me anymore. I leave.

I finally call him after a few days ignoring his many calls and texts. He apologizes for how he acted and tells me that we both need our space so we can both grow. (I know…that’s what I thought we were doing.) I’m rather angry and end up saying something I completely regret. “I feel like a fool for falling for you.” He didn’t take that so well. And, I know I said it out of anger and basically that I was upset with the re-ending of our relationship. I let myself fall for him all over again just to be let down. So, it’s over.

That was last month. I’m not as sad anymore, but I’m still confused. How do I move on?

I know you get tons of e-mails. And, it would be great if you responded. But, just knowing that you read this makes me feel a little better.

Best,

Akira

p.s. The picture was the beginning preparations for my key lime ginger pie. It’s real good.

Hey Akira,

Thanks for writing in.

Wow. It sounds like you and your boyfriend must have loved each other very much. You guys were both so fond of one another that you couldn’t accept the end of your relationship. That means you had a strong bond. Neither of you wanted to let go of it. Still…

He acted like a jerk. But maybe he had reason.

Maybe your ex wanted to try to salvage things, but then soon realized that the differences were too great – maybe he realized that he’d grown too far away to get the closeness back. It sounds like he really wanted to try to make it work with you two, but lost his resolve somewhere along the line. Certainly he could have communicated better, but his life is being shattered too, right? He’s going to behave strangely.

But none of this conjecture matters. You’re in real pain.

Your question is: How do i move on?

I don’t know. I’m not good at letting go either. I still talk to the ghost of my ex, who moved out more than two years ago.

But here’s a few things you could consider…

Be good to yourself. There’s so much beating ourselves up in life. But just this once, acknowledge that you’re a great person, and you deserve love.

Make out with everyone. At least for a month or two. Why not? Feel attractive.

(use condoms)

Throw yourself into your work. They say the best revenge is living well. Live well. Work your way up to something impressive.

Listen to yourself. Don’t try to go out and party if you’re feeling solitary. Let your body do what it wants to.

Cry. Let yourself cry about it. Acknowledging that there is sadness just underlines the point that relationships are worth embarking on.

Exercise. Go to the gym. Run. Swim. Get it out of your system. I know it feels mental, but some of it is in your body. Also, you’re on the market now, so get in shape.

Akira, seriously – do anything you need to do, but create a separate self, outside the identity of this man. You sound like a lovely, handsome young man who deserves happiness. Write your own story. And write yourself a happy ending. Give yourself time to grieve. But after a while, wake up and look at what’s true. You’re a handsome, young, talented man.

You have a world of options.

Jerk.

Shit Girls Say About Money

February 3, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

watercolors by lex millena

I shot a parody commercial last week. It makes fun of the Shit Girls Say videos.

My friend Kirk Damato is in it with me. Here’s the link. I dunno why I can’t embed it today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oz77m-ilXE&feature=player_detailpage

Enjoy, jerks.

The Ramble

February 1, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him: Hey. ‘Sup.

Me: Oh Jesus…

Him: What?

Me: Nothing. I just… Hi.

Him: Hi.

(a long pause)

Him: So, what’s up?

Me: I’m just on a walk.

Him: Cold day for a walk.

Me: Well, I like walking in the cold.

Him: Is that so?

Me: That is so.

(a long pause)

Me: No. It isn’t so.

Him: Ha.

Me: It’s not what you think.

Him: What do I think?

Me: I think you think that I’m here to… hang around in the park.

Him: Hang around?

Me: Stop. You know.

(he glances at his crotch)

Him: Maybe I do.

Me: Don’t do that. I’m here to write about this.

Him: Are you serious? What do you mean?

Me: I’m covering The Ramble for a lifestyle piece I’m working on.

Him: Really??

Me: Yeah. Really.

Him: Awman. I gotta leave.

Me: No, wait. I’d like to ask you some questions, if you don’t mind.

Him: I don’t know.

Me: Come on.

(long pause. i glance at his crotch.)

Him: Okay. But you can’t identify me.

Me: You haven’t introduced yourself.

Him: Good point.

Me: What’s your name? Just kidding. What do you do for work?

Him: I’m a prep cook at a restaurant.

Me: What type of restaurant?

Him: A hotel.

Me: Faggy.

Him: Shut up, I’m not… Only a few of my friends even know I’m gay.

Me: Is that important to you? That you pass for straight?

Him: I guess so… I guess. I don’t like it when people think I look like a sissy.

Me: Hm.

Him: I’m not ashamed of being gay. But I don’t want everyone to know about it. I don’t want to have to shout about it.

Me: Okay. How often do you come here for sex?

Him: What?

(long pause)

Him: I don’t know. Once a week. Sometimes twice?

Me: So the majority of your sex life happens out here, in the wild?

Him: Well, in the summer time, sure. In the winter… sometimes I go home with somebody.

Me: Okay.

Him: Is that weird? I think it’s thrilling. Like hunting…

Me: Do you think it’s weird?

Him: No, but I can tell you do.

Me: No. I don’t. I don’t think it’s weird at all. But I do think there might be a connection between your self-consciousness about people knowing you’re gay, and you conducting your sex life anonymously. I mean… Don’t you think?

Him: No. I don’t think about it that much. It’s such a small part of who I am.

Me: Really?

Him: Yeah. Really.

Me: Well… Sounds like you’re really good at compartmentalizing.

Him: So?

(long pause)

Me: So… more power to you, I guess.

Him: Hey. You’re a decent guy.

Me: Thanks.

Him: Wanna go behind those trees and blow each other?

Me: I do not. Thanks for chatting though. I have to leave.

Him: Don’t identify me.

Me: I don’t know who you are. You never said.

Him: Fair enough. Jerk.

FriDATE: Not Going to Lie

January 27, 2012January 27, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him: So, I’ve noticed something.

Me: What’s that?

Him: Just that things are different this time. You’re behaving differently this time around.

Me: Oh, no… it’s not –

Him: And I’m not going to lie…

Me: Are you sure?

Him: What?

Me: I was hoping we might lie to one another.

Him: You’re an idiot. I was going to say that I’d be lying if I didn’t notice your change in attitude this visit, and in all honesty, I’ve been linking it to my own negative feelings about myself…

Me: What?

Him: Just… It’s been making me feel unattractive, or inadequate otherwise. Which is CRAZY, Michael. Just crazy. Everyone loves my personality.

Me: Myself included. You’re a great guy. Very fun, and funny and super attractive. Don’t do that to yourself.

Him: I don’t know how else to explain this distance I feel from you.

Me: I’m doing this to everyone these days. I’m sorry. Look, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately, and somehow that’s making me withdraw from quite a few people. I’m sorry. It has nothing to do with you. You’re very attractive and all, but I just don’t feel like being physical right now. With anyone. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me….

Him: If you wind up committing suicide can I have your ukulele?

Me: Of course you can. Not the big one that I play onstage, but the smaller one that I use for composing – sure.

Him: Thanks.

Me: BUT. Only if it’s a suicide. If I die of natural causes you get nothing.

Him: Of course. I understand.

Me: Look. I’m sorry I haven’t been as physical with you as I was before, but I’m really glad you’re here. You’ve been a lot of fun, and I’ve had a good time with you.

Him: Me too.

Me: Good.

Him: Hey. Don’t freak out, but I love you, okay? Not in some grandiose romance movie sort of way, but just in the way that I know I’ll care about you for my whole life, and that I hope to have a very close friendship with you.

Me: Okay. I feel the same way. I have a whole lot of fondness and respect for you, and hey…

Him: What?

Me: I think you’re funny.

Him: So are you.

Me: Okay then.

Him: Thanks for chatting.

Me: Should we play some Skyrim?

Him: YES!!

Me: Okay, but don’t go around pickpocketing people in broad daylight, or attack the town guards just to get a rise out of them.

Him: Callista does what she wants. She’s a renegade.

Me: You’re impossible.

Him: You’re a jerk.

Me: I know.

Letters

January 23, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by allison michael orenstein

Hi there,

I was bumming around on the internet and found a link to your entirely amazing blog. My plan of heading to the library and working collapsed completely as I got more and more dragged into your site. It’s now half past 5 in the evening in the UK and the only time I have left my bed is to get a pint of sugar and caffeine just so I could read yet still more of your blog.

I am not normally the sort to get vocal at what happens to gay people, despite being a politically active gay man. I have other causes that I spend most of my waking hours working on, and tend to leave the LGBT fight to others. But this week has been different. The Pope ragged all over us, Canada just tried to effectively divorce thousands of gay couples and a young boy in London has been made homeless because Facebook outed him to his parents. I was at a low ebb frankly. And then I found your blog.

The pies, dates and NY city life are hilarious and wonderful enough, but when you talk about shame and alienation, you talk directly to my own thoughts and feelings. We need more and more people like you at the head of our communities around the world, inspiring young gays to challenge the worlds around them, and yet remember their humanity. When you talked about respect needing to be the opening of dialogue and the formation of a better society, you spoke absolute truth. To find absolute truth anywhere is rare enough, but for it to be surrounded by wit, hot boys and some tasty looking pies is amazing. Though perhaps, it’s more inherent in day-to-day life than anywhere else.

Anyway. Please keep spreading the good word. I can only hope that you, your band and your blog are seen by more and more people. You are much needed.

With love from across the Atlantic,

Jez

(You wanker – I am British after all…)

Dear Jez,

Normally I don’t publish letters of praise, but to be honest I was having a rotten day and this particular correspondence really turned things around for me in a major way. Thanks for the words of kindness and affection. I’m sure I don’t deserve the praise you’ve heaped upon me – but I’ll take it anyway, if just for today, because I need a lift.

So – thanks for that. You really made a difference.

I’m glad you agree with me – that mutual respect is crucial to an open line of communication with each other – whether we’re dealing with members of our own community, or reaching out to another one. I’m glad, too, that you realize the importance of living without shame. So much negativity and internalized homophobia seems to haunt our motley, diverse community – and so much of that is pointless.

If we could learn to stop feeling ashamed of ourselves, maybe we could stop pointing fingers at one another and start a more optimistic dialogue. One based on love and brotherhood. Acceptance.

It’s ironic. So many Gays are quick to find fault with each other for the most minor things. I wonder if these are the same Gays that rush to celebrate when the government begrudgingly admits that we are indeed human, and can now serve in the military? I wonder if these Gays can see the truth behind battles like marriage equality? Do they see that when the government ‘grants’ our right to marry, they’re actually tacitly admitting that they’ve been oppressing us for hundreds of years, and that they’ve been wrong to do so?

I guess my point is, maybe some of that internalized Gay anger is misplaced?

Wow. I’m off on a tangent, now.

I’m glad you found my blog stimulating, and I’m glad that you agree with me – that we could all do to live with a little more respect and a little less shame in our lives. That probably applies to straight people too, come to think of it. Jez, thanks for writing in – you really made my day.

Jerk.

ThursDATE: They’re Playing Our Song

January 19, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Him: So that was the afternoon I got my acceptance letter to Sarah Laurence College. And I got a scholarship, so I told my parents to suck it.

Me: Haha – good for you. That was a great story.

Him: Thanks. You know – I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about you…

Me: Heh. Thanks. But give it a second – you’ve only known me for 15 minutes. I get progressively less charming with time.

Him: Oh, I don’t believe that.

Me: It’s been proven scientifically. Oh hey – I love this song.

Him: Neutral Milk Hotel?

Me: Yeah – I always really liked this one.

Him: Oh my God, me too… This could totally be our song!

Me: Huh?

Him: When we come here five years from now, on our anniversary – we can ask the bartender to play it because it’s our song!

Me: Heh – all right, all right. You’re getting ahead of yourself, just a little bit, no?

(pause)

Him: Haha – yeah, I’m just joking, silly!

Me: Oh. Of course. Of course you are… heh… So, what do you do for work?

Him: I’m a freelance grant writer.

Me: Oh? Wow.

Him: I know – you didn’t picture yourself with a grant writer, did you? Nobody does – every time I ask that question, nobody does…

Me: I… I don’t know.

Him: Do you like kids? I love children.

Me: I have some nieces and nephews and I gotta say, I like them so much more than I thought i was going to.

Him: What does that mean? That sounds horrible.

Me: Hm. I guess it does, in a way. What I mean to say is – I wasn’t prepared for how much I was going to actually like/love them. They’re really quite wonderful.

Him: That sounds better – do you want kids?

Me: I don’t know. I went through a phase where I thought I did, but now I’m wondering if there aren’t advantages to not having them too… I’m a writer and a comic and it’s pretty enticing, not having to slow down your work load because you had a kid.

Him: Um, ew. We’ll have to work on that answer, mister! I want two kids – a boy and a girl. Holden and Hanna – after Salinger and Woody Allen.

Me: Really? Holden?

Him: You’ll get used to it. So have you thought about a survival job?

Me: What?

Him: Well freelance writing and comedy can’t pay that well, can they?

Me: Well they can, but in my case, no. I barely scrape by. But I’m kind of okay with that.

Him: But how are you going to support a family??

Me: What? I just said that I might not have one.

Him: I know – I was just kidding! Even so, what about Holden and Hanna?

Me: I don’t… What do you do for fun around here? When you’re not grant writing?

Him: I hope you know I plan to retire by the age of 50, if at all possible…

(long pause)

Me: I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Him: Oh you! You always say that!

Me: I do. Always. For the last 25 minutes.

Him: You know, I’m starting to think you’re not even looking for a boyfriend.

Me: I’m not.

Him: What??

Me: I’m not – well not actively, at least. I pride myself on not being the type of guy that needs to find validation through having a boyfriend. Not that I’m dead set against it, I’m just not desperately searching for one.

Him: Ugh. I wish you would have said that online. I feel like my time has been wasted.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Him: Aw! Our first fight! I’m sorry too – I didn’t mean that thing about wasting my time.

Me: …

Him: I’m just kidding! Let’s have another drink.

Me: No.

Him: No?

Me: No. But thanks for meeting up. Jerk.

Advice

January 15, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by erwin caluya

Hey,

So, I was wondering if you know – how do you know when a guy wants you to stay?

A week ago I went into the city to hang out with this guy. He was really cute and nice, with a sexy Spanish accent. I get to his place and we talk for a while and we seem to be hitting it off. We then move it to the bedroom and do the dirty – and it was fun. Then we take a shower and jump back into bed and watch tv. This is where the awkward part comes – we watch a movie and then another tv show and then he gets hungry and makes a salad and opens a bottle of wine.

You think “this all sounds great,” but the whole time I’m wondering when I should leave. The stupid guy that I am, I don’t leave after the food and stay to watch more tv. By now it’s 12:30 and he’s getting tired and I have no clue if he wants me to stay the night or not. I give him a back rub.

Then he says, “I’m assuming you want to sleep over.”

I respond, “Only if you want me to.” He gets really silent. Then I ask him again and he responds, not really – he has to wake up early. I knew that I had over-stayed my welcome and to make matters worse the area he lived in had no taxis around. Finally he called me a taxi, but I wound up missing my last train home and wound up walking around the freezing cold in Manhattan for 7 hours.

What should I do to avoid this in the future?

Thank you, Jerk

Dear N.,

Thanks for your letter. You sound like maybe you’re new to online hook-ups. There’s a certain amount of etiquette involved, but that etiquette is, unfortunately, different for every person. As a general rule of thumb, if it’s a hook-up and not a date then you should fully expect to leave shortly after the sex happens.

This is not to excuse any amount of poor behavior on the part of your Spanish accented friend. Unfortunately, guys have a way of being super charming with a new conquest right up until the point of orgasm. After the deed is done, however, reality comes crashing back in and you’re left there in your own home with a relative stranger that seems to want to eat all your salad and watch West Wing re-runs until 2 in the morning.

Next time, explain your situation before you go over to the guy’s house. Let him know you live outside the city, and if he wants you to come over he’ll have to let you stay the night. If he says no, then at least you know what you’re dealing with -a guy who wants to bone you and say goodbye shortly afterward.

If I may say so – it does sound like you might be looking for a date, instead of a hook-up. In which case, I think you’d be far better off using websites like OkCupid rather than Craigslist or Grindr. Just a thought.

Be honest about your intentions and you can’t go wrong.

Jerk.

P.S. Next time you’re walking around freezing in Manhattan, go to Penn Station. It’s warm in there and you can pretend you’re waiting for a train to leave.

Rice Queen

January 12, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him: Hey there. What’s up?

Me: Not much. Just hanging out.

Him: That kid you were hitting on was really cute. Was he Chinese? He looked Chinese.

Me: I don’t know. He said he was from New Mexico.

Him: Yeah but where was he really from?

(pause)

Me: I don’t know. I didn’t ask him the story of his epic family saga. Maybe he was born in a refugee camp?

Him: Hot. Now you’re talking. But that would make it more likely he was Vietnamese. He looks Chinese or Korean maybe.

Me: I’m not well versed enough to make the distinction.

Him: Oh? Are you new to Rice?

Me: What??

Him: Are you new to the world of Rice Queens?

Me: Oh man. I don’t know how to answer that. That term is so brutal. I’m not sure I identify with it.

Him: Why? Rice is a staple…

Me: Uh… I don’t know. Seems like there’s a weird stigma attached to some dated racial hierarchy. No offense. I’m sure it was probably different in your generation.

Him: It sure was. The Rice was a lot less uppity.

Me: Hey, old timer – we don’t use the word ‘uppity’ to describe ethnic minorities. I’m pretty sure that’s a bad idea across the board.

Him: Well, it used to be easier. They were less demanding.

Me: That guy went to Yale, and he’s super good looking – I’m sure he has every right to be selective about who picks him up in a gay bar.

Him: Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been a Rice Queen for a long time. I’ve had lots of great relationships with Asian guys. Mutual respect is always key. How long have you been a Rice Queen?

Me: I’m not entirely sure that I am? I’ve had lots of types of boyfriends – Latinos, Jews, White, Asians…

Him: You were really into that Chinese guy.

Me: True. Lately they’ve been turning my head a lot. I dunno… I go through phases. There was a couple years there where I was hot for red heads too.

Him: Have you ever been to Asia?

Me: No.

Him: Oh, you’ve got to go!

Me: Why’s that?

Him: Oh the boys there are just lovely. They’re so sweet and accommodating – they’re not spoiled by Western thinking like the Asian Americans are.

Me: Oh my God, you have to be kidding, right?

Him: What?

Me: Well… I mean, you realize how you sound, right? ‘Spoiled?’

Him: How do I sound?

Me: Kind of racist. No. Totally racist and also imperialist, too.

Him: Oh please. Asia is the most racist place on earth. If you don’t believe me, then ask your next Chinese trick how many Black people he’s slept with. Chinese people are super, super racist.

Me: That doesn’t make it –

Him: BUT – I love them. They all have hard exteriors but inside they’re marshmallows. So sweet – and once they decide they like you, you’re in for good.

Me: Hm. Okay. Just for the sake of hearing your opinion – what do you think about Japanese people?

Him: Uh… they’re a little superior for my tastes. Also, they’re emotional labyrinths. You can never tell what they’re really feeling or thinking.

Me: Koreans?

Him: They drink a lot, and chain smoke. Hey – why do Koreans make good bottoms?

Me: Why?

Him: They’re used to being occupied. Get it? I made that one up.

Me: You’re a horrible old man. (pause) That joke would also work for The Philippines.

Him: Oh yeah! You’re totally right. But I prefer Thai boys the best.

Me: Why’s that?

Him: They have no qualms about sleeping with older men. I mean, you have to give them some money, but we’re talking twenty bucks for the most depraved things you can think of.

Me: All right. Okay.

Him: I have a scrapbook of all the Thai boys I’ve slept with at home. You should come see it sometimes.

Me: Hey, thanks for chatting, racist old man. I was alternately horrified and amused. I think I’m going to make better use of my time, and hit on that guy over there.

Him: He looks Vietnamese.

Me: If you say so.

Him: They taste like cilantro, sometimes.

Me: I… What? Okay I’m leaving. Have a good night.

Jerk.

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