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Me: Oh wow! Sorry. I was in a hurry to get on the elevator.
Him: It’s my dog.
Me: He scared me. Looks like he needs to pee pretty bad.
Him: He’s okay.
Me: Yes, of course. He lunged at me. A dog bit me once when-
Him: He’s okay. You’re not okay.
(Pause)
Me: What did you say to me?
(Pause. He shrugs)
Me: You don’t know me. Control your dogs, and furthermore there are some very aggressive squirrels in the courtyard. I hope you’re aware.
Him: This is the time of year squirrels get aggressive.
Me: Yes. They squirrels things like nuts away for the winter.
Him: That’s enough.
Me: Listen. I’m from the South and-
Him: Oh, are you proud of that?
Me: Yes, actually, I am.
(Pause)
Me: As I was saying. I’m from the South and we have to keep an eye on aggressive wild animals like squirrels.
Him: Oh is that so?
Me: Yes it is so. They carry rabies.
Him: What are you going to do about those squirrels?
Me: Keep an eye on them and maybe buy a BB gun.
Him: You don’t need a gun.
Me: You’re right. I need polite neighbors who know how say “hello, goodbye, please, thank you.”
Him: The world isn’t like that anymore.
Me: Maybe it never was. But I was raised like that.
Him: Be careful on the elevator.
Me: Train your dog. Thanks! Bye now.
(He spits on the ground. I chuckle. I fart. He finally laughs. Tough crowd.)
Him: Where are you from?
Me: A French village in the South of France.
Him: Where, exactly?
Me: Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense
Him: And what does that mean?
Me: It means Have A Nice Day, in French.
(Long pause. Then we laugh and laugh and laugh and his dog pees in the lobby)
