Him: Hey. Come in. Sorry it’s so sparse.
Me: Wow. This apartment is amazing.
Him: It’s sparse. Furniture is coming next week.
Me: It’s still amazing. What a great place!
Him: I dunno. I liked my last apartment better. It was bigger.
Me: It’s a good size for one person – there’s a bedroom over here, right? And you have a waterfall in your lobby! That’s my measure of whether or not someone lives in a nice apartment building.
Him: What? I don’t get it?
Me: You don’t live in a nice apartment building unless you have a waterfall in your lobby.
(long pause)
Him: I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s true.
Me: It isn’t. I was just joking. Nice place.
Him: Ugh. I drank so much scotch last night.
Me: Oh no! That’s awful.
Him: It’s okay. Let’s have a drink. That will fix my hangover.
Me: I dunno – I gotta do a late night comedy set later.
Him: It’s just one drink. Don’t act like it’s the end of the world. Do you want a drink or not? Have one.
Me: I…
Him: You’re having one.
Me: I’m having one.
(long pause)
Him: Yeah so… This is my place…
Me: It’s very nice.
Him: Yeah. My last place was bigger, but I’m only here on the weekends, so…
Me: Where are you during the week?
Him: I work in California.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah. I usually fly out on Tuesdays and work a four day week, and fly back on Fridays.
Me: That sounds exhausting.
Him: It’s just an airplane ride. I take my laptop and get work done.
Me: What do you do? For work?
Him: I consult with hospitals on how to get their operations to run more efficiently.
Me: That sounds fascinating.
Him: It’s boring.
Me: You’re right, that sounds boring.
Him: Come lay on this rug with me.
Me: What?
Him: I don’t have a couch and I just bought this rug. Come on. Do it.
Me: Okay…
Him: Let’s make out.
Me: Okay?
(we make out. it is awkward.)
Him: Wow. You’re really making me horny. We better stop this. What are you trying to pull?
Me: Nothing. You wanted to…
Him: I should have jerked off. Should we have sex? That would solve the horny problem.
Me: It said on your profile that you wait for 6 dates or more before you have sex.
Him: Yeah, that’s why we shouldn’t be doing this. You’re making it hard for me.
Me: I’m… sorry?
Him: What are you anyway?
Me: What?
Him: Sexually. Which position are you?
Me: Oh… Wow. I’m versatile. I do both.
Him: Okay. Good to know.
Me: What about you?
Him: What about me what?
Me: Are you a top or a bottom?
(he shoots me a disdainful look)
Him: Well if you must know… I’m a top.
Me: Haha!
Him: What’s so funny?
Me: You just asked me out of the blue if I was a top or bottom, and when I answered and then posed the same question to you, you acted like I was violating some sort of etiquette. That’s kind of funny, right?
(long pause)
Him: What else do you do. Besides comedy. What do you do for money?
Me: I do comedy gigs and teach improv classes.
Him: What do you do for a living?
Me: I do comedy gigs and teach improv classes.
Him: What about that site? I went there. I looked at the pics.
Me: Did you read it?
Him: No, why?
Me: Just curious. I do that too, but that’s not for money. That’s just for me to record awkward dates.
Him: What?
Me: I post anonymous dialogues from really awkward dates on that site.
Him: I think it’s time for you to leave.
Me: Seriously? I told you to check out my site before we met. It’s listed on my OkCupid profile.
Him: I really need to get some laundry done, and didn’t you say you have a gig to go to?
Me: In a few hours, but I can meet up with friends beforehand.
Him: Okay. I’ll walk you out. You should walk in front of me. I don’t want you walking behind me.
Me: What? Why?
Him: I don’t want you checking out my ass. It should be the other way around. I believe I told you I’m a top.
Me: Oh that’s right! I believe I DO remember you mentioning something like that.
(long pause)
Me: Well. It was lovely to meet you. You have a lovely apartment, and there’s a waterfall in your lobby.
Him: My other place was bigger. We should hang out again.
Me: What should we do, go to the park?
Him: Yeah. Or I could top you.
(long pause)
Me: You’re a very charming man. I’ll walk out in front of you, so you don’t get ass raped by my eyeballs.
Him: Okay. Let’s try and hang out again. Shoot for next week?
Me: Definitely! This was amazing and not at all horrible!
Him: I feel the same way. Text me.
Me: Count on it!
(surprise ending – i did not text him the next week)