Honorary gay and incourigible straight lothario MYQ Kaplan had me and Ben Lerman over to the Hang Out With Me Playpen to talk about our sex lives, what it means to be ‘monogamish’ and how to solve racism in a room full of white people. It was a blast and you can laugh about it here:
http://www.keithandthegirl.com/Show-Detail/2782/Gays-Upon-My-Works.aspx
Thanks for the funzos boys. It was a hoot.
Oh, and MYQ, wear underwear next time? You kept flopping out of your silk smoking robe.
Hey Pie Guy,
My name is Kevin, and I wanted to write to you for a while now. I’m having a problem and I wanted some advice – or maybe I just need to tell someone about it.
I feel ugly all the time. I’m not sure why this should be – I go to the gym a lot and in the past few years I’ve managed to carve out a pretty decent looking body. I have nice arms and some semblance of abs, even. But, I can’t seem to get guys my age to look at me, or hit on me.
I should say that I’m 24 years old and Chinese American. That shouldn’t make a difference, but it certainly does – at least where I live in Atlanta. When I go out to gay bars, the only people that hit on me are creepy guys that are 15-20 years older than me. I want to sleep with guys my own age, but they don’t look at me when I go out, and if I talk to them at the bar they seem mortified, or annoyed somehow.
I’ve had guys my own age even say ugly, racist things to me. This cute, fratty looking guy was really drunk one night and when I went up to him to say hi, he sneered and said something to the effect of ‘me no want sucky sucky long time.’ I left immediately. I’d never had someone call out my Asian identity like that in such a brutal, cruel way. I left feeling inadequate and ashamed of myself.
I tried asking out another guy that I thought was cute. He told me I was very attractive, but he was a bottom only. I said that’s okay cause I’m versatile and he laughed. I was confused. Then he said that he didn’t think he could let an Asian guy top him.
I just don’t get it. My penis is above average. I’m a pretty attractive guy. I take care of my body and it shows. Why can’t I get people my own age to look at me as a viable sex partner? Sometimes when I go out I get horny or drunk enough to go home with a guy who’s 40ish – but then I always go home feeling worse about myself than when I started.
I’m beginning to feel alienated and depressed. I don’t know what to do.
Thanks for reading this letter – I feel better just verbalizing these feelings. You don’t have to answer, but I’d like to hear your thoughts.
Thanks,
Kevin
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for writing in. I’m upset and kind of angry to hear about the insensitive, racist things you’ve had to put up with. That sucks. I wish I could say that you’re just having a run of bad luck, and in a way you are – but I was also a bartender for years in a gay bar, and I can honestly say – racism is alive and well in the gay community.
However – I do think that there’s a lot of dialogue right now that counters that point of view. I know that there’s a growing number of people in the gay community that think the idea of a racial sexual hierarchy is absurd. I also know there’s a long way to go before Asian homosexuals can feel like the playing field is level in the gay dating world. All you have to do is look at mainstream gay porn to see that Asians are an invisible minority.
I want you to know that you’re not alone, Kevin. I want you to know that I feel depressed and alienated too, a lot of the time. You’re not the only person that gets weirdos who are decades older than you hitting on them. I wonder if you’d have better luck meeting gay guys on OkCupid or joining some sort of gay sports team, or club? People are frequently at their worst when they’re hammered, and gays your age tend to drink until they’re wasted.
I do want you to know that there are plenty of people out there that find gay Asians attractive – that think of them as people, and not just asexual, bottom-only playthings. Thanks for sending me photos of you – I can attest that yes, you are a very attractive guy, and if you lived in NYC I’d certainly hit on you. The only advice I have is keep at it, Kev. Try online dating too, and being social in non-alcohol related settings. That might clear things up, a little.
One more thing. Try to keep this in mind: If someone says something racist, or callous to you in public? That’s just them showing the world they’re an asshole. Try not to let it get to you. If you walk home ashamed of yourself or angry, then you let a worthless asshole steal your joy and ruin your night. Don’t do that.
Be proud of yourself, Kevin. You’re a very beautiful man. You’re smart and sexy and wonderful. Keep your head up. Be proud.
Jerk.
Him: Hey there. What’s up?
Me: Not much. Just hanging out.
Him: That kid you were hitting on was really cute. Was he Chinese? He looked Chinese.
Me: I don’t know. He said he was from New Mexico.
Him: Yeah but where was he really from?
(pause)
Me: I don’t know. I didn’t ask him the story of his epic family saga. Maybe he was born in a refugee camp?
Him: Hot. Now you’re talking. But that would make it more likely he was Vietnamese. He looks Chinese or Korean maybe.
Me: I’m not well versed enough to make the distinction.
Him: Oh? Are you new to Rice?
Me: What??
Him: Are you new to the world of Rice Queens?
Me: Oh man. I don’t know how to answer that. That term is so brutal. I’m not sure I identify with it.
Him: Why? Rice is a staple…
Me: Uh… I don’t know. Seems like there’s a weird stigma attached to some dated racial hierarchy. No offense. I’m sure it was probably different in your generation.
Him: It sure was. The Rice was a lot less uppity.
Me: Hey, old timer – we don’t use the word ‘uppity’ to describe ethnic minorities. I’m pretty sure that’s a bad idea across the board.
Him: Well, it used to be easier. They were less demanding.
Me: That guy went to Yale, and he’s super good looking – I’m sure he has every right to be selective about who picks him up in a gay bar.
Him: Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been a Rice Queen for a long time. I’ve had lots of great relationships with Asian guys. Mutual respect is always key. How long have you been a Rice Queen?
Me: I’m not entirely sure that I am? I’ve had lots of types of boyfriends – Latinos, Jews, White, Asians…
Him: You were really into that Chinese guy.
Me: True. Lately they’ve been turning my head a lot. I dunno… I go through phases. There was a couple years there where I was hot for red heads too.
Him: Have you ever been to Asia?
Me: No.
Him: Oh, you’ve got to go!
Me: Why’s that?
Him: Oh the boys there are just lovely. They’re so sweet and accommodating – they’re not spoiled by Western thinking like the Asian Americans are.
Me: Oh my God, you have to be kidding, right?
Him: What?
Me: Well… I mean, you realize how you sound, right? ‘Spoiled?’
Him: How do I sound?
Me: Kind of racist. No. Totally racist and also imperialist, too.
Him: Oh please. Asia is the most racist place on earth. If you don’t believe me, then ask your next Chinese trick how many Black people he’s slept with. Chinese people are super, super racist.
Me: That doesn’t make it –
Him: BUT – I love them. They all have hard exteriors but inside they’re marshmallows. So sweet – and once they decide they like you, you’re in for good.
Me: Hm. Okay. Just for the sake of hearing your opinion – what do you think about Japanese people?
Him: Uh… they’re a little superior for my tastes. Also, they’re emotional labyrinths. You can never tell what they’re really feeling or thinking.
Me: Koreans?
Him: They drink a lot, and chain smoke. Hey – why do Koreans make good bottoms?
Me: Why?
Him: They’re used to being occupied. Get it? I made that one up.
Me: You’re a horrible old man. (pause) That joke would also work for The Philippines.
Him: Oh yeah! You’re totally right. But I prefer Thai boys the best.
Me: Why’s that?
Him: They have no qualms about sleeping with older men. I mean, you have to give them some money, but we’re talking twenty bucks for the most depraved things you can think of.
Me: All right. Okay.
Him: I have a scrapbook of all the Thai boys I’ve slept with at home. You should come see it sometimes.
Me: Hey, thanks for chatting, racist old man. I was alternately horrified and amused. I think I’m going to make better use of my time, and hit on that guy over there.
Him: He looks Vietnamese.
Me: If you say so.
Him: They taste like cilantro, sometimes.
Me: I… What? Okay I’m leaving. Have a good night.
Jerk.
Hey
So, I’ve been reading your blog… and am left with so many questions… it’s kind of like I feel after reality TV… like the bachelor…
1. do you have sex with everyone you invite back to the fantasy suite to make pies or is that just for the camera? What’s real and what’s not? 🙂
2. Who’s the third person taking pics? And does it turn you on to have someone watch?
3. what do you like about Asian men? aren’t they usually kinda effeminate with small willys… or maybe you like that… Just curious. Of course, normally this would be none of my business, but I’m a fan, so I guess I feel a little entitled.
Anyway keep “Baking Sweet Love” and I’ll keep reading… and if you use that tag line make sure you credit me… actually you don’t have to do that… it’s all yours… just bake/name a pie after me and eat every delectable crumb with your next concubine… actually eat it off your next conquest and put it in your blog.
J.S.
Hey J. S.
I was conflicted about whether or not to answer this letter. I didn’t know whether or not to give credence to this progression of ideas you set forth. I decided to address it.
I hope you know I appreciate your reading, but you said some stupid shit, and I’m gonna go off on it. Okay?
1. do you have sex with everyone you invite back to the fantasy suite to make pies or is that just for the camera? What’s real and what’s not? 🙂
It’s not a fantasy suite, but that’s flattering. It’s a kitchen in a pre-war apartment building in Brooklyn. As for the guys, no. I don’t have sex with all of them. And no, I won’t say which. I like my blog to be slightly mysterious, like LOST, but instead of a polar bear there’s rhubarb.
However, this I can assure you: they ARE all real. None of them are cylons.
Probably.
2. Who’s the third person taking pics? And does it turn you on to have someone watch?
Different people. Friends of mine, or occasionally professional photographers. Depends. Sometimes me and the baking assistant just photograph each other. Does it turn me on? Depends on who’s behind the camera, I guess? There’s an element of voyeurism, for sure.
3. what do you like about Asian men? aren’t they usually kinda effeminate with small willys… or maybe you like that… Just curious. Of course, normally this would be none of my business, but I’m a fan, so I guess I feel a little entitled.
No.
It’s obvious you feel a LOT entitled.
Are you drunk? Why would you ask me that? It’s obvious, I assume, that I am both very respectful of and attracted to Asian men? Why, in 2011, would you propagate such a ridiculous stereotype? Seriously. You sound like my grandpa.
Effeminate? Small Willies? Come on. You’re talking about BILLIONS of the world’s population. You sound foolish.
Do you have some sort of late-80’s early-90’s idea of homosexuality? That there’s some Gay hierarchy where masculine, uber hung, over worked out white and (light skinned) Latino guys sit at the top? Get over it, dude. Times are changing, and they’re changing faster than Whitey wants to admit.
I’ve met guys like you before. You think it’s ultra post modern to say shit like this in Gay bars or at parties. You don’t see why people sometimes take offense. You think the world is too uptight and you ‘don’t see why people can’t just loosen up.’
You’re almost certainly white.
You’re being insensitive. Extremely. Racist, even.
It’s okay. It’s not you. It’s the world you grew up in. But, I know you know that’s not the right way to be. So knock it off, okay? It hurts people’s feelings. Think about it. You don’t want to live in a world where it’s okay to say racist crap to strangers, do you? Don’t be that guy. Please?
It might be hard, but you can reprogram yourself. You can stop thinking about people in such a small scope. It’s scary, but once you start doing it, the world really opens up.
Here’s the good news:
There is an Asian out there for you. Really. There’s a masculine, big dicked Chinese dude out there who’s just as much of a douche as you are. Stop! Don’t argue! There is. I just know it. He’s doing the PX90 workout right now, dreaming of the day he meets you and screws the daylights out of you. The two of you will pull a rickshaw off into the sunset. He will tell you his Ancient Chinese Secret.
But, yeah, you shouldn’t say that kind of crap in an email. Makes you look like a stupid fool. And you’re not a stupid fool, are you? Well of course you are. We all are. But don’t be that kind of stupid fool.
Jerk.
PIEFOLK 