Month: August 2011

WednesDATE: INTERMITTENT

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Me:  Hey.

Him:  Oh, hi.

Me:  I noticed you from across the room.

Him:  Oh really?  Is that so?

Me:  Yeah.  I was looking at you, here and there, when I was chatting with my friend.

Him:  Intermittently.

Me:  Yes.  Here and there…  intermittently…  Same thing.

Eryc Perez de Tagle

Him:  You were looking at me?  Weird.

Me:  I think we were looking at each other.  You kept making eye contact with me.

Him:  Shut UP!  I did NOT make eye contact with you!

Me:  Oh, okay.  I must have misread it.  I was trying to make eye contact with you because you’re cute.  I thought you were making eye contact.  My bad.  Cheers.

(I turn to go)

Him:  STOP IT!!  I was looking at you.

Me:  Oh.  I thought so…  But then why…  never mind.  How are you tonight?

Him:  Whatever.  This bar is whatever, don’t you think?

Me:  I can’t disagree, given the vague parameters.  This bar IS whatever.

Him:  “Vague parameters??”  Who talks like that??

Me:  I do…  intermittently.  (pause)  Get it?

Him:  No.  Was there a joke?

Me:  You made fun of me for using a complicated, pedantic word phrase, and I brought up your earlier use of the word ‘intermittently.’  I thought it was funny.

Him:  It wasn’t funny.

Me:  It wasn’t funny, ‘haha.’  It was funny, ‘ironic.’  In any case, I have to keep trying.

Him:  Oh?  Why’s that?

Me:  I just do.

Him:  What do you do?  For a living?

Me:  Uh oh.  This never goes well.

Him:  Oh, come ON!  It can’t be that bad.  Are you a prostitute?

Me:  At my age?  No.  I’m a comic.

Him:  Oh, I don’t like that at all.  But what do you do for money?

Me:  That’s what I do for money.  I’m a comic.  I book gigs at colleges and regional theaters and I perform around town doing various stuff, and I teach at and direct the musical program at The Magnet theater.

Him:  Magnet Theater?  Never heard of it.

Me:  It exists.  I promise.

Him:  How old are you?

Me:  Oh man.  You’re young aren’t you?  I hate answering this question.  I’m 36.

Him:  That’s okay.  I meet old people all the time.

Me:  Thank you.  We all thank you for charitably spending time with us.

Him:  Oh it’s not charitable.  I’m charging.

Me:  Isn’t that cute?  Do you remember seeing me take my heart pills?  I can’t seem to remember if I took them or what…

Him:  I don’t want you telling jokes.  I’m not sure I see myself spending time with a comic.

Me:  Right.  That’s the second time you’ve said you don’t approve of my occupation.  I get it.  You don’t like it.  What do you do?

Him:  I go to Pratt.  I’m a visual artist.

Me:  Oh, that’s really cool!

Him:  No, it’s not.  I hate art.

Me:  You do?  Why would you devote your life to it, if you hate it?

Him: It’s not who I am, it’s just my work, you know?

Me:  Not really.  Comedy is a lot of who I am.  I have my days where I am good at it, but I don’t particularly like doing it, but those days are rare.  Usually I really like doing it.  I’m not getting rich here, so liking it is pretty important to me.

Him:  Yeah, I just don’t like the idea of me becoming friends with a comic, you know?  Doesn’t really fit in with my view of what I should be doing with myself.

Me:  Thanks for your honesty.  I am going to walk away now.

Him:  WHY??  Stay here and talk to me!!

Me:  I don’t know why I should.  You’ve gone out of your way to insult my profession three times.  You’ve called me old, and you’ve expressed doubt that you’d even like me much, if you got to know me.  I might just quit while I’m ahead.  You’re super cute.  Have a good night.

Him:  Let me buy you a drink.  Will you drink a gin and tonic with me?

Me:  Um…  I mean usually I wouldn’t, but I want you to have to pay money for this conversation to continue, so yes.  I’ll have one.

Him:  Two gin and tonics, please.  Let me explain myself.  I think you’re attractive – that’s why I’m standing here.  But my worldview is complicated and I don’t define myself by being an artist or a Pratt student so I don’t know why you have to run around going ‘I’m a comic’ all the time.

Me:  You asked me about it.  You asked what I do.

(pause)

Him:  Even so.  I don’t like comedy, and I think it’s uncool and annoying, and I’m trying to counterbalance my attraction to you with your age and choice of profession.

Me:  Honesty.  I like that.  Keep going please.

Roger Wingfield

Him:  Also, to be perfectly honest, there’s a boy here tonight that I’ve been working for a few dates now, and I want to try to seal the deal with him.  Talking to you might not be the smartest thing.

Me:  And yet here we are.  Okay.  Did you pay for the drinks?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  Thanks for the drink.  I’m going home.  I should have gone home an hour ago.  You’re a real charm boat.

Adam Gardiner

Him:  Don’t leave like that.

Me:  You’re super cute, but you’ve been pretty rotten to me.  I’m going to bed.  Have a good night.

Him:  Come ON!!!

(surprise ending:  I do not come on.  I go home alone and sleep like a baby.)

Kristen Yoonsoo Kim

Hey, Old Friend

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

What?

Oh STOP it.  That’s just Garho.  I’ve known him for years.

He came over to make Strawberry and Fresh Ginger Pie.

What?  I don’t know if he’s single?  He’s casually dating someone I think.

Why do you keep asking about him?  This is my blog.  Ask about me.

Okay fine, well then stop being such a creeper.

I met Garho online, a few years ago, when he was planning on moving to Greenpoint.

I saw a few pictures of him and fell in love.

He has ‘husband material’ written all over him, right?

We corresponded online for about 6 weeks, and when he moved here I asked him to meet me for a beer.

We did!  We met at Enid’s bar and had one beer each.

It was enough.  Garho turned bright red!  He has very little alcohol tolerance and is therefore a cheap date, fellas.

What???  I don’t know what size shoe he wears!

That’s a really weird question.  Stop asking me questions like that.

So, while we had our beer (years ago) I told him that I was going through a rough break up.

I was!  It was really fucking rough, guys.  Eight years together.  Ugh.  I don’t recommend it.  Stay together if you can, Gays.

I said that I was not emotionally available for dating, and that was too bad, because he is so super datable.

When he’s not making faces like that, he’s super datable.  Trust me.

He looked a little disappointed, two years ago, when I met him for a drink.

I said, hey, actually, you’re dodging a bullet.  I’m complicated in strange ways and I’m 453 years older than you anyway.

He laughed.  I love getting a laugh.  It’s my favorite thing.  Better than sex, or money, or even food.

Maybe not food.  Let’s not go crazy.

After our beers were finished, two years ago, I proposed a ‘special friendship’ to Garho.

I believe straight people call it ‘friends with benefits.’

Guess what?

Garho laughed again!!!  Yay!!!  I got another laugh!

Just so you know, fellas, Garho’s not the FWB type.  He’s looking for dates, and such.

So, given that we couldn’t be ‘special’ friends, I proposed that we become actual friends.

That did not get a laugh.  But it got a smile.  We became friends.

Garho is a good friend.  He’s very into family, and his social network.  He takes ballet and he used to be on the crew team when he was in college.

What??  I don’t know what he smells like.  Why would you ask that question, weirdo?

If you see him around town, say hi, and compliment him on being brave and doing PIEFOLK with me.

And hey, ask him on a date, too, while you’re at it.  He likes to go out and have fun.

But do yourself a favor, eh?

Keep your creepy weird questions to yourself.

Garho likes it when you act like a gentleman.

So be a gentleman, okay?

Jerk.

Midwestern Visit

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photo by eryc perez de tagle

My life is strange.

Just putting that out there.

I tend to get contacted by Gay people these days.  Gays that I don’t know.

Gays from strange lands, like Iowa.

That’s Huy.

He’s a college student in Des Moines.

He studies Pharmacology.

That means I get free drugs, right??

Wrong.  Apparently Huy has a list of these things called eth-ics (am I pronouncing that right?) that preclude him from giving away drugs to pie men.  Apparently, you need to have a reason to take pharmacy drugs?

News to me…

For future reference, my favorite is Ambien, but I had to tell my doctor to not prescribe it anymore, because I have a tendency to take it every night if i have it…

Then I get responses to emails that I don’t remember having sent.

Once, I got a letter from a San Fransisco adoption agency thanking me for my interest and asking me about my finances.

Apparently my baby clock is ticking, especially when I am blacked out on Ambien.

Look at how confident he looks.

You’ll never believe this, but when he arrived, late afternoon, he was trembling.

I hugged him hello and he shook.  I held him close to me for a few minutes and said kind, comforting things.  Then I stole his credit card from his wallet.

(I was out of toilet paper that day)

Just kidding.  I didn’t say anything comforting.  Who wants to go shopping??

Just kidding.  I said nice stuff about how brave he was to contact me, and volunteer for my bizarre art project.

He called me a role model and said that he respected my ideas about queer liberation, and brotherhood – which made me totes nervous, because most of the time it’s my job to act like an idiot in a room full of drunk people (comedy).

I told him he is very attractive.

He seemed surprised, but thanked me and returned the compliment.  Some lie about how salt and pepper stubble is super hot.

He said he wasn’t used to getting a lot of compliments from strangers.

I said that was a shame, because he’s clearly a sexwad.

He wondered aloud what a sexwad is, and I changed the subject.

We switched aprons at a certain point in the baking process.

I wanted to see if I look good in yellow (nope), and I was having identity confusion.

He showed up with a pair of fake glasses, just like mine.

Doesn’t that just kill you, a little, inside?

It does me.  It kills me.  In a good way.

It rips my heart out.

What a sweet pea.

We spent some time together after the pie making.

He came to Thin Skin Jonny: Farewell Reunion Tour at UCB theater.  He also saw the Made Up Musical at the Magnet.  We took a walk from Manhattan to Brooklyn, over the Williamsburg bridge.  He was super sweet.

He’s totally determined to succeed in the world of pharmacy.

I told him that success in any field is 80% determination and 20% being a nice guy.

He contradicted me and said that you also need talent.

I laughed and laughed and laughed and said, no, you don’t need talent.

Talent…  That’s a good one!

Who knew he was a comic, too?

The pie we made was a chocolate mousse with a lemon custard on top.

Looks good, huh?

It was decent, but not entirely successful.  I used a wonky custard recipe that leaves out milk from the mix.  Also, I over zested the lemon, and it was waaaaay tart.

I’ll try this out again, at some point.

Huy.  You’re a beautiful, intelligent, talented young man.  You’re kind and you listen.

I loved meeting you.  You’re welcome in my kitchen any time.  Please keep me informed about your successes.

Anna Paquin, let’s not make this awkward.

I’m a comic and I make jokes.

Take it with a grain of salt and count your considerable ducats.

I’ll take it all back when you come out with your first pop album.  Pleeeeeeease record a pop album??

Until then I’ll try to behave myself and not be such a jerk.

Jerks.

(i already told you – out of toilet paper that day)

Remember Me?

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

I invite a problem drinker to my show:

You should come.  It’s a damn hell ass good time.  And we’re nice.  And we’re funny.  And we’re nice to people.  Well, not me, but the rest of the cast: funny and nice…  Robbie, Danny, Marcos, Ari, and Shameless.   We’re all nice. Except me.


But I am funny in the show.  Come see it.  It’s a damn fucking hell ass hoot.   Come share that.

Jerks.

One Long Letter

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

pie photos by eric perez de tagle

Hello Michael,

It’s me. You know the kid who loves the fact that you are Lord Voldemort. I would never thought I’ll be writing to you to ask for advices. But perhaps deep inside, I really wanted to (I love reading your advices column. Filled with cold reality and harsh truth). Now that there is something dark in my life, I think being the dark lord, you can handle some darkness for a few minutes.
I really don’t expect you to post it on your blog or even reply (too long and overly dramatic). However, it would be amazing if you do either. I have talked to peoples about it. But for a good reason, I just really want to hear your take on it.
So here goes nothing: pardon the grammar. 
About 2+ months ago, a guy messaged me on Dlist. He was coming to my hometown for a job and he would like to meet some peoples before he came here. Not bad looking & a musician/teacher (my kind of dream guy), so I messaged him back. Back and forth we messaged each others, until randomly he added me on facebook. From there, we began to message each others like crazy. Lot of anticipations and building ups from him. & of course, why not play along, he is cute after all & I always like meeting new peoples.Finally he moved to my hometown for a week in order to get his life situated before he goes to LA for a month for further job training. During the week he was in my hometown, we went on dates and he being very charming, I felt for him. On the last night, we went out. When he kissed me, I felt something genuine. & So I went back to his place (which I rarely do, I’m a prude sort of). It was a nice time. So he left for LA.

While he was in LA, we continued to talk. Realizing that he was probably under a lot of pressure, I kept our conversations light and supportive. I never really push further on what happened before he left or relationship talk. But gradually the conversation turned into a lot of hypes and anticipations from him for him to come back. “I can’t wait to see you.” “When I get back, we have to hang out a lot.” “I can’t wait to cuddle with you.” & me being in la la land and a pisces, I fed on that anticipations and thought that we are heading toward a relationship when he gets back.Finally he returned & for the first two days/nights, we hung out. cuddled *no sex. went grocery shopping. went to target. you know… cute things like that. I did text him to see if he wants to hang out. & always, he would return agreeing that I should come over. However, on the third day, I asked him if it is ok for me to come over. He said he was busy… eventually… every days the same things happen again and again.

Feeling a bit abandoned and confused, I finally asked him what is going on. He said that throughout the week I was pressuring him. Furthermore, he can’t do anything further since he just permanently moved in town. I need my own space and time, said he.  Of course, being me, I bended backward and apologized for pressuring him. *even though I honestly don’t think I did. Being flirtatious is not pressuring, right?Anyway, so we talked it out and both decided that it was best we should be friends, for now. However, I also stressed the point to him that I like him. Then it started to turn really sour…

1. I find his grindr profile. status: single; looking for: dates etc. & when ever I strike a conversation with him on Grindr, he would never respond. #pleasant
2. He became really unresponsive when I strike a conversation either through phone or facebook etc.
3. He began to blame that everything I say are offensive to him. & there are the silent treatments if I did that.
3a. It got really bad to the point he called me a stalker. I was asking him where he is teaching? He asked why I want to know. I said that I was curious. Then he called me a stalker. (backtrack: when things were pleasant: he not only told me the names of the elementary schools he was suppose to teach. But also freaking pulled up the schools on google map and showed them to me. Like really, if I want to stalk back then… it would have been really easy.)
4. So I thought being a good friend, I should invite him to some of my friend’s get together. After all, he is new in town. Might as well be inclusive. Well who would have thought:
4a. During dinner, a friend asked where he is teaching. The answer spurted out of this mouth like an erection popping out of his pant. Homegurl was eager to tell. & my goodness, no stalker tendencies for my friends. (Being called a stalker was really offensive to me. Not so much the word stalker. But the fact that he didn’t trust me.)
4b. Throughout the night, he was seriously flirting with one of my friends. Get all touchy feely. Buying him stuffs in front of me. #BitchSlapOnMyFace Sure I was quite jealous because after all I still have strong feelings for him. But, what bothered me the most is that he has no regard for my feelings. No respect for me – even as a friend.

How I feel? terrible of course. It is incredibly hard for me to give myself up completely when I like someone. & I really felt hard for this guy. He is charming. Amazing voice. Smart. Creative. A happy medium between masculine and feminine, & there is something I really like about him that I can’t put a finger on it. (don’t let me start with bad qualities… lol jk)… A lot of things I look for in a man. & I gave my trust to him. & well… I guessed he didn’t care. I feel like a loser really, quite pathetic. I purposely stayed here for him. What’s worst, I turned down a job offer in DC because of him. :/ – He did say I really want you to be here when I come back before he left for LA. I also turned down a lot of offers for dates when he was away. #beingfateful There are a lot more I can say. But I will refrain. Overall, just know that I feel used, vulnerable, and miserable.What do I want to do? honestly, I just want to pack and leave. But not possible. (praying for that DC job to contact me in September – a linger of hope). I am not sure that I can be a friend with someone who clearly is pushing me away at all levels. I am not asking him to be a bf. Probably not possible anymore. He probably already made up his mind. I just want him to be a good friend as I have always been since the beginning.Questions for you: what should I do?

Sad panda!

I know. That was long. But thank you for reading. Again, no obligation or anything to respond. Just want to share.
You have a great day Michael!
🙂
PS: keep taking pictures
Phinnaeus
Hey Phinn,
Wow.  That was a long letter.  I really can’t stand this guy. I’m really annoyed by him.
Okay, first of all – you’re a very sensitive, sweet, beautiful man.  You don’t deserve this type of treatment.  My first issue with him is that he encouraged you to be affectionate with him, and then acted like you were a stalker for wanting to grow closer to him.  It might be true that you attempted to contact him too often, but rather than ignore contact, the adult thing to do is to communicate frustration.
Calling you a stalker and then using your connections to make new friends in a small town also raises a red flag with me.  It sound pretty sociopathic, opportunistic, cunning, cold-blooded.  All that stuff.  Fine if he wants to drag you through an emotional turmoil, but then to turn around and use your social circle to get new dates is pretty rotten.
You say you want to get away?  I say that’s a pretty good idea.  If you’re done with this town anyway why not focus all your energy on getting out?  Better than getting to know your new best friend, the user.
I really don’t like this guy, Phinn.  Sure it might be annoying when someone has a crush on you and they call you too often, but you don’t belittle them and then seduce their friends.  I think you should seize control of the situation, quietly and with dignity.  YOU stop being friends with HIM.  Don’t do it dramatically.  Don’t let him know that you’re ‘not friends anymore.’  Just don’t ever call him again, or invite him places.  Be pleasant when you see him/speak to him, but don’t linger over conversation and keep it light.
Sure, a teacher/musician is probably your dream guy (sounds pretty good to me too…), but don’t forget that those things are just professions.  What makes a relationship is how the guy treats you.  He hasn’t treated you well since date three.  Ditch this guy.  Don’t even be his friend.
It seems like he’s enjoying what he’s doing to you, doesn’t it? He is.  That’s how sociopaths operate.  Write him off.  He’s a sucker, and you’re getting out.
He’s got to go.
Maybe someday you’ll find a generous way to be friends with each other.  As for now, he’s hurt you and you can’t afford to let him keep doing that.  He will.  He’ll keep using you and taking advantage of your generous nature.  Walk away.  Please walk away?
I love you, kiddo.
Michael

Malcolm Sex

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

“We need more light about each other. Light creates understanding, understanding creates love, love creates patience, and patience creates unity.”

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”

“How can you thank a man for giving you what’s already yours? How then can you thank him for giving you only part of what is yours?”

– Malcolm X.

Letters

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Hey!
My name Crissy and I’ve been reading your blog for sometime now.
I was thinking about sending you an email for some time now and telling you how entertaining I found your blog to be, but I didn’t because I didn’t think you would want to talk to a girl.

However, I was reading your recent post on Danger Pin and it inspired me. I’m 5’10” like Sam and it’s hard being so tall. I own heels but I never wear them because I don’t want to be taller than I already am. Also, people make fun of me because of my height and I wish that I could be shorter sometimes. Recently I’ve been more accepting of my height because of looking at models. Then I read your post and it made me feel even better. So thanks! 😀
Crissy —x

Thanks for writing in, Crissy.  I wouldn’t want to talk to girls?  Nah.  I like girls a bunch.

I think we all have some major body issue to overcome at some point.  Here’s my advice:

Wear your heels.  You’re magnificent and impressive.  The people who don’t think so? They are not your real friends.  Make them jealous….  You are a pretty girl.

Love you.

Michael

Michael –

I can honestly say that I am completely addicted to your website for the past couple months. You are fantastic at what you do and to keep me occupied/entertained for more than 5 minutes on the internet without having an urge to go to a new website is practically impossible! After viewing your website, I really hope you can offer some advice to help me.

I come from a suburban area, I’m eighteen and for some reason, I am so scared of being in a relationship with anyone. It’s not that anyone is like dying to be with me considering many of my friends are women or straight men, not very many gay men live around here but regardless, it sucks being alone. I had a long physical relationship with my neighbor since a very young age, but both he and I are in the dark of his orientation because he desires so badly to be straight, and I have every desire to embrace my gay lifestyle, so clearly we’ve been growing apart.

I am starting as a freshman in Philadelphia this year, and so many of the freshman class boys are complete assholes and just so immature and I am so scared about not being able to find a decent gay man who can actually maintain a good relationship. I have found that through this other kid, I have become a very loyal person when it comes to relationships and typically, I am not the hook-up type (minus one exception). What advice can you give me to make me not fear of getting hurt again and actually be able to jump into a new relationship if I find the right guy?

Thank you so much,

Brian

Thanks for writing in Brian.

First of all, fuck your neighbor.  Oh, wait, you already did.  Well, don’t keep fucking your neighbor.  You’re young and you can’t afford to be around that self-hating Gay energy.  Homophobia is homophobia, regardless of whether it’s Straight people or Gays spreading the shame around.

I’m not sure exactly the advice you’re seeking, in regards to your fear?  You say that you’re afraid of getting into a relationship, but that it sucks to be alone.  Then you want some sort of advice that will make it okay to ‘jump into’ a relationship again.  I don’t have that.

If it was me, I’d play the field.  I’d go on lots of dates and kiss a few of them and maybe even sleep with some of them, safely.  You’re in college.  The odds are slim that you’re going to find a guy, settle down, and raise a kid.  Why not explore your options?  Seems better than ‘jumping in’ to something.

As for getting hurt?  That’s just the trade off.  There’s never been two people that loved each other without hurting one another pretty deeply sometimes.  I will say this – you get better at recognizing the type of pain you’re willing to receive and inflict, but that takes practice.

Hey Brian – I want to make this clear – it’s still very much worth loving another person.  So if you’re falling in love, please let yourself.

Keep your head up, and stay classy, kiddo.

Or, if you don’t feel classy that day, slut it up.

Love you.  Keep in touch.

Michael

p.s.  Please remember that most Gays have a wonderful side.  Acknowledge and encourage that and you can’t go wrong.  That doesn’t mean that every once in a while they won’t act like total…