Copycats

IMG_3907comic/actor julia weidman   photos by tommy ka

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

At least, they say that when you’re making fun of them.

This guy isn’t making fun of me, but he’s copying me, for sure.

I was annoyed when I found out that he was baking semi-nude, but then I watched the video.

It’s well produced, and this guy really knows how to ice a cake. Also he is a mutherfucking stud.

Respect.

Enjoy the cake slut video, if you’re into copycats. I guess I’m into copycats, now!

Rats.

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People Send Me Things

 

This set of photos comes from a lovely young man in London named Michael To. Pretty brave of you, Michael!

If you’re reading this and you’re feeling inspired to send me some photos, please do!

Look at that tattoo! I did some research – it’s the Chinese symbol for ‘Oh, I had no idea my ass was hanging out!’

Keep in mind – if you send me photos, it’s likely I might run them on my site.

Flexing. Flexing….

Michael made an Old English Custard pie.

Great lighting in Michael’s kitchen, right?

Michael is a handsome, brave guy. I’m sure he has other assets too.

Thanks for sending me things, Michael.

You can feel free to send me things too, Jerks.

Advice

illustrations by lex millena

Hey Pie Guy,

My name is Kevin, and I wanted to write to you for a while now.  I’m having a problem and I wanted some advice – or maybe I just need to tell someone about it. 

I feel ugly all the time.  I’m not sure why this should be – I go to the gym a lot and in the past few years I’ve managed to carve out a pretty decent looking body.  I have nice arms and some semblance of abs, even.  But, I can’t seem to get guys my age to look at me, or hit on me. 

I should say that I’m 24 years old and Chinese American.  That shouldn’t make a difference, but it certainly does – at least where I live in Atlanta.  When I go out to gay bars, the only people that hit on me are creepy guys that are 15-20 years older than me.  I want to sleep with guys my own age, but they don’t look at me when I go out, and if I talk to them at the bar they seem mortified, or annoyed somehow.

I’ve had guys my own age even say ugly, racist things to me.  This cute, fratty looking guy was really drunk one night and when I went up to him to say hi, he sneered and said something to the effect of ‘me no want sucky sucky long time.’  I left immediately.  I’d never had someone call out my Asian identity like that in such a brutal, cruel way.  I left feeling inadequate and ashamed of myself. 

I tried asking out another guy that I thought was cute.  He told me I was very attractive, but he was a bottom only.  I said that’s okay cause I’m versatile and he laughed.  I was confused.  Then he said that he didn’t think he could let an Asian guy top him. 

I just don’t get it.  My penis is above average.  I’m a pretty attractive guy.  I take care of my body and it shows.  Why can’t I get people my own age to look at me as a viable sex partner?  Sometimes when I go out I get horny or drunk enough to go home with a guy who’s 40ish – but then I always go home feeling worse about myself than when I started.

I’m beginning to feel alienated and depressed.  I don’t know what to do. 

Thanks for reading this letter – I feel better just verbalizing these feelings.  You don’t have to answer, but I’d like to hear your thoughts. 

Thanks,

Kevin

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for writing in.  I’m upset and kind of angry to hear about the insensitive, racist things you’ve had to put up with.  That sucks.  I wish I could say that you’re just having a run of bad luck, and in a way you are – but I was also a bartender for years in a gay bar, and I can honestly say – racism is alive and well in the gay community.

However – I do think that there’s a lot of dialogue right now that counters that point of view.  I know that there’s a growing number of people in the gay community that think the idea of a racial sexual hierarchy is absurd.  I also know there’s a long way to go before Asian homosexuals can feel like the playing field is level in the gay dating world.  All you have to do is look at mainstream gay porn to see that Asians are an invisible minority.

I want you to know that you’re not alone, Kevin.  I want you to know that I feel depressed and alienated too, a lot of the time.  You’re not the only person that gets weirdos who are decades older than you hitting on them.  I wonder if you’d have better luck meeting gay guys on OkCupid or joining some sort of gay sports team, or club?  People are frequently at their worst when they’re hammered, and gays your age tend to drink until they’re wasted.

I do want you to know that there are plenty of people out there that find gay Asians attractive – that think of them as people, and not just asexual, bottom-only playthings.  Thanks for sending me photos of you – I can attest that yes, you are a very attractive guy, and if you lived in NYC I’d certainly hit on you.  The only advice I have is keep at it, Kev.  Try online dating too, and being social in non-alcohol related settings.  That might clear things up, a little.

One more thing.  Try to keep this in mind:  If someone says something racist, or callous to you in public?  That’s just them showing the world they’re an asshole.  Try not to let it get to you.  If you walk home ashamed of yourself or angry, then you let a worthless asshole steal your joy and ruin your night.  Don’t do that.

Be proud of yourself, Kevin.  You’re a very beautiful man.  You’re smart and sexy and wonderful.  Keep your head up.  Be proud.

Jerk.

SunDATE: Can’t You Do Better?

Imagephotos by tri vo

Me:  Hi.

Him:  Hi.

(pause)

Him:  Is that all?  Just hi?

Me:  I’m sorry.  My focus wandered.

Him:  Surely you have more to say than just hi?Image

Me:  Well, to be fair, the only thing you said was hi.

Him:  Yes, but I didn’t start the conversation, you did.

Me:  Hm.  Yes.  That’s a logical argument.

(pause)

Him:  So?

Me:  Oh.  Right.  Um.  I was going to ask how your evening was going, but I got distracted.

Him:  By what?

Me:  You smiled over my shoulder, at your friend, and you looked really cute when you did that.  It took me back for a second.

Him:  Oh brother.

Me:  I know, right?  Compliments.  What an asshole.

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Him:  You were going to ask how my evening was going? 

Me:  I was.

Him:  That sounds like such a canned question.  Contrived.  Can’t you do better?

Me:  Apparently on this particular evening it’s all I can muster.  What should I have said?

Him:  I don’t know – I’m not the one going up to a stranger in a bar and saying hi.

Me:  You act like I cut a huge fart while meeting the Queen of England or something.

Him:  Ha.  I like that image.  Do you watch Downton Abbey?

Me:  Yes.  Isn’t it required for urban gays?

Him:  Yes.  Finally, something I like about you.

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Me:  Do you get laid often?

Him:  Finally, an interesting question.  No.  To be honest, I don’t go on a lot of dates.

Me:  Shocker.

Him:  Is it?  Shocking?

Me:  Given your behavior tonight?  Totally.

Him:  Aw.  I’m not easy.  I’m known as being pretty difficult amongst my friends.

Me:  Well…  Nothing worth while is easy.

Him:  Profound.  What do you do for a living?

Me:  I do freelance writing and I teach improv at night.

Him:  Oh, brother.

Me:  Tell me about it.

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Him:  Improv, like with funny costumes and crazy wigs??

Me:  No

Him: ‘Cause I saw an improv show in Boston and that’s what it was.

Me:  They don’t let me teach the class on crazy wigs.

Him:  Good thing.

(pause)

Him:  Hey, I’m going home.  Do you want to walk me to the corner and kiss me good night?

Me:  Hm…

Him:  Hm?

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Me:  Well, I want to, but given your behavior I really shouldn’t.

(pause)

Me:  Okay fine.

Him:  Fine?

Me:  Yeah, I’ll walk you to the subway.

(pause)

Me:  Jerk.

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