Advice

photos by erwin caluya

Hey,

So, I was wondering if you know – how do you know when a guy wants you to stay?

A week ago I went into the city to hang out with this guy.  He was really cute and nice, with a sexy Spanish accent.  I get to his place and we talk for a while and we seem to be hitting it off.  We then move it to the bedroom and do the dirty – and it was fun.  Then we take a shower and jump back into bed and watch tv.  This is where the awkward part comes – we watch a movie and then another tv show and then he gets hungry and makes a salad and opens a bottle of wine. 

You think “this all sounds great,” but the whole time I’m wondering when I should leave.  The stupid guy that I am, I don’t leave after the food and stay to watch more tv.  By now it’s 12:30 and he’s getting tired and I have no clue if he wants me to stay the night or not.  I give him a back rub.

Then he says, “I’m assuming you want to sleep over.”

I respond, “Only if you want me to.”  He gets really silent.  Then I ask him again and he responds, not really – he has to wake up early.  I knew that I had over-stayed my welcome and to make matters worse the area he lived in had no taxis around.  Finally he called me a taxi, but I wound up missing my last train home and wound up walking around the freezing cold in Manhattan for 7 hours.

What should I do to avoid this in the future?

Thank you, Jerk

N.

Dear N.,

Thanks for your letter.  You sound like maybe you’re new to online hook-ups.  There’s a certain amount of etiquette involved, but that etiquette is, unfortunately, different for every person.   As a general rule of thumb, if it’s a hook-up and not a date then you should fully expect to leave shortly after the sex happens.

This is not to excuse any amount of poor behavior on the part of your Spanish accented friend.   Unfortunately, guys have a way of being super charming with a new conquest right up until the point of orgasm.  After the deed is done, however, reality comes crashing back in and you’re left there in your own home with a relative stranger that seems to want to eat all your salad and watch West Wing re-runs until 2 in the morning.

Next time, explain your situation before you go over to the guy’s house.  Let him know you live outside the city, and if he wants you to come over he’ll have to let you stay the night.  If he says no, then at least you know what you’re dealing with -a guy who wants to bone you and say goodbye shortly afterward.

If I may say so – it does sound like you might be looking for a date, instead of a hook-up.  In which case, I think you’d be far better off using websites like OkCupid rather than Craigslist or Grindr.  Just a thought.

Be honest about your intentions and you can’t go wrong.

Jerk.

P.S.  Next time you’re walking around freezing in Manhattan, go to Penn Station.  It’s warm in there and you can pretend you’re waiting for a train to leave.

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