Rice Queen

Him:  Hey there.  What’s up?

Me:  Not much.  Just hanging out.

Him:  That kid you were hitting on was really cute.  Was he Chinese?  He looked Chinese.

Me:  I don’t know.  He said he was from New Mexico.

Him:  Yeah but where was he really from?


Me:  I don’t know.  I didn’t ask him the story of his epic family saga.  Maybe he was born in a refugee camp?

Him:  Hot.  Now you’re talking.  But that would make it more likely he was Vietnamese.  He looks Chinese or Korean maybe.

Me:  I’m not well versed enough to make the distinction.

Him:  Oh?  Are you new to Rice?

Me:  What??

Him:  Are you new to the world of Rice Queens?

Me:  Oh man.  I don’t know how to answer that.  That term is so brutal.  I’m not sure I identify with it.

Him:  Why?  Rice is a staple…

Me:  Uh…  I don’t know.  Seems like there’s a weird stigma attached to some dated racial hierarchy.  No offense.  I’m sure it was probably different in your generation.

Him:  It sure was.  The Rice was a lot less uppity.

Me:  Hey, old timer – we don’t use the word ‘uppity’ to describe ethnic minorities.  I’m pretty sure that’s a bad idea across the board.

Him:  Well, it used to be easier.  They were less demanding.

Me:  That guy went to Yale, and he’s super good looking – I’m sure he has every right to be selective about who picks him up in a gay bar.

Him:  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve been a Rice Queen for a long time.  I’ve had lots of great relationships with Asian guys.  Mutual respect is always key.  How long have you been a Rice Queen?

Me:  I’m not entirely sure that I am?  I’ve had lots of types of boyfriends – Latinos, Jews, White, Asians…

Him:  You were really into that Chinese guy.

Me:  True.  Lately they’ve been turning my head a lot.  I dunno…  I go through phases.  There was a couple years there where I was hot for red heads too.

Him:  Have you ever been to Asia?

Me:  No.

Him:  Oh, you’ve got to go!

Me:  Why’s that?

Him:  Oh the boys there are just lovely.  They’re so sweet and accommodating – they’re not spoiled by Western thinking like the Asian Americans are.

Me:  Oh my God, you have to be kidding, right?

Him:  What?

Me:  Well…  I mean, you realize how you sound, right?  ‘Spoiled?’

Him:  How do I sound?

Me:  Kind of racist.  No.  Totally racist and also imperialist, too.

Him:  Oh please.  Asia is the most racist place on earth.  If you don’t believe me, then ask your next Chinese trick how many Black people he’s slept with.  Chinese people are super, super racist.

Me:  That doesn’t make it –

Him:  BUT – I love them.  They all have hard exteriors but inside they’re marshmallows.  So sweet – and once they decide they like you, you’re in for good.

Me:  Hm.  Okay.  Just for the sake of hearing your opinion – what do you think about Japanese people?

Him:  Uh…  they’re a little superior for my tastes.  Also, they’re emotional labyrinths.  You can never tell what they’re really feeling or thinking.

Me:  Koreans?

Him:  They drink a lot, and chain smoke.  Hey – why do Koreans make good bottoms?

Me:  Why?

Him:  They’re used to being occupied.  Get it?  I made that one up.

Me:  You’re a horrible old man.  (pause)  That joke would also work for The Philippines.

Him:  Oh yeah!  You’re totally right.   But I prefer Thai boys the best.

Me:  Why’s that?

Him:  They have no qualms about sleeping with older men.  I mean, you have to give them some money, but we’re talking twenty bucks for the most depraved things you can think of.

Me:  All right.  Okay.

Him:  I have a scrapbook of all the Thai boys I’ve slept with at home.  You should come see it sometimes.

Me:  Hey, thanks for chatting, racist old man.  I was alternately horrified and amused.  I think I’m going to make better use of my time, and hit on that guy over there.

Him:  He looks Vietnamese.

Me:  If you say so.

Him:  They taste like cilantro, sometimes.

Me:  I…  What?  Okay I’m leaving.  Have a good night.




33 thoughts on “Rice Queen

  1. hahahahaha! That is Hilarious….If the guy was from NM…off chance he could have been Native American…just saying…I’m Native and I get mistaken for Asian all the time…

  2. At least there were no double entendres about wontons or spring rolls. Even so, dodgy…and by that I mean, that guy’s to be dodged from now on.

  3. The silly things that come out of old men who fetishizes Asians.
    Someone should really make a Youtube video called “Sh*t Old Racist Rice Queens Say to Their Prey”

  4. Too funny but please tell this Asian guy that this is not all there is. Is there more beyond the gross attention of an icky, predatory vulture or, on the other hand, being practically invisible on Grindr?

  5. icky but he’s a product of a different era… glad things are changing somewhat – you, piemaker, for example.
    interesting that this was paired with pix of banana cream pie… “banana” = yellow on the outside white on the inside, i’ve heard this term used in asia to describe “westernized” asians.

  6. Wow, you meet some real winners!

    Like you I’ve dated all over the map. A departed friend of mine used to comment that I was joining the International Club.

      1. I guess I have attitudes like that to thank for the fact that I exist at all. If my parents knew each other as people, and looked further beyond racial archetypes before getting married, I doubt they would have gotten together in the first place.

  7. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to look at a banana cream pie ever again without thinking of racist old rice queens. So horrible, so gross, and yet, so entertaining (but in that dated, kind of horrifying way).

  8. This really made me laugh, I’ll think of this next time an old rice queen tries to get in my pants, and I also agree with the above statement about the fish sauce vs. cilantro

      1. I think a term can only be defined as demeaning if the people involved feel that way, otherwise its just a projection of what someone may or may or may not feel. I don’t feel offended in anyway when a self-proclaimed rice queen hits on me because its they’re choice to be attracted to whom ever they please.

      2. I think it’s a racist term invented by racist people. It serves only to divide, constrain, and limit perception and possibility. It’s the opposite of open-mindedness, and it’s unkind. I’m not a fan of it, but as a comic, obviously, I love it.

      3. I don’t think the term is meant to be racist. It was probably started by a group of friends joking around with each other. Now whether someone chooses to be offended is their choice, but I honestly can’t say the people I know who have used that term (most of which were asian) have racist intentions. Sure labels are lame i.e twink, jock, top, bottom, but like everything, the negativity depends on the context and whether or not the people you say it to have senses of humor.

  9. You might be right… The larger issue, at least for me, is this – will I cow to a term meant to put me into a box? Does the world need so much restriction and parameters that we must hyper categorize one another? Isn’t that more reductive than we should or could be?

    1. I can see what your saying, but at the end of the day I feel its people who put themselves into boxes not words. A term can’t really define who you are, only you have that power with action. People like to categorize and label because certain people enjoy and strive from that structure. Its their form of expression. The amount of restricting in this case is completely your own choice. So do I think that its a progressive term, not really, but not everything is meant to be. Do you have to abide by terms and parameters created by individuals or society? its a personal choice, neither positive or negative in the metaphysical scheme of things.

      I’m enjoying our discussion and hopefully we’ll bake some pies together in the later future, I have a pretty good pate brisee recipe!
      – Long

      1. Sorry, but with a name like Long, it’s difficult for me to believe people are calling you ‘Rice Queen.’ Perhaps you don’t know what it’s like? In any case, I’d love to bake something soon…

      2. Haha, no I don’t know what it’s like to be a ‘rice queen’ but I also don’t outwardly label myself. I’ve been called potato queen but I just thought the term was hilarious, false, but hilarious. Lets meet up next time I’m in NY! I make a mean lemon tart.

  10. Pingback: Letters | PIEFOLK

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