Him: So, I’ve noticed something.
Me: What’s that?
Him: Just that things are different this time. You’re behaving differently this time around.
Me: Oh, no… it’s not –
Him: And I’m not going to lie…
Me: Are you sure?
Me: I was hoping we might lie to one another.
Him: You’re an idiot. I was going to say that I’d be lying if I didn’t notice your change in attitude this visit, and in all honesty, I’ve been linking it to my own negative feelings about myself…
Him: Just… It’s been making me feel unattractive, or inadequate otherwise. Which is CRAZY, Michael. Just crazy. Everyone loves my personality.
Me: Myself included. You’re a great guy. Very fun, and funny and super attractive. Don’t do that to yourself.
Him: I don’t know how else to explain this distance I feel from you.
Me: I’m doing this to everyone these days. I’m sorry. Look, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately, and somehow that’s making me withdraw from quite a few people. I’m sorry. It has nothing to do with you. You’re very attractive and all, but I just don’t feel like being physical right now. With anyone. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me….
Him: If you wind up committing suicide can I have your ukulele?
Me: Of course you can. Not the big one that I play onstage, but the smaller one that I use for composing – sure.
Me: BUT. Only if it’s a suicide. If I die of natural causes you get nothing.
Him: Of course. I understand.
Me: Look. I’m sorry I haven’t been as physical with you as I was before, but I’m really glad you’re here. You’ve been a lot of fun, and I’ve had a good time with you.
Him: Me too.
Him: Hey. Don’t freak out, but I love you, okay? Not in some grandiose romance movie sort of way, but just in the way that I know I’ll care about you for my whole life, and that I hope to have a very close friendship with you.
Me: Okay. I feel the same way. I have a whole lot of fondness and respect for you, and hey…
Me: I think you’re funny.
Him: So are you.
Me: Okay then.
Him: Thanks for chatting.
Me: Should we play some Skyrim?
Me: Okay, but don’t go around pickpocketing people in broad daylight, or attack the town guards just to get a rise out of them.
Him: Callista does what she wants. She’s a renegade.
Me: You’re impossible.
Him: You’re a jerk.
Me: I know.