Shit Girls Say About Money

Imagewatercolors by lex millena

I shot a parody commercial last week.  It makes fun of the Shit Girls Say videos.

My friend Kirk Damato is in it with me. Here’s the link.  I dunno why I can’t embed it today.

Enjoy, jerks.





Feel Better, Japan

Oh Jesus.  Are you kidding me?  A BENEFIT?  I have to make and DONATE a pie?  Why?

Oh.  Japan.  That’s right.  Sorry.  I’m self absorbed.  It’s a real problem.

Of course I’ll make a pie for a benefit for Japan.  What am I a monster?   Yes.  But I’ll do it anyway.

My friend Kirk pretended to go to Japan.  About four or five months ago he started telling everyone in the New York sketch and improv communities about how he booked a show in Tokyo.  He was going to play a role in Picasso at the Lapin Agile.  It was an elaborate ruse.  He stopped coming to The Upright Citizen’s Brigade where he performs regularly while he was ‘in Japan.’  He even set up a sham tumblr where he photographed food and tried to convince people that breakfast can talk.

Sidebar:  This is Corey.  I know, right?  DOING!!  He’s a really nice guy and he helped me make the pie for the Kettle of Fish Benefit for Japan.

He’s a dancer.  He just got back from doing a dance show in Pennsylvania, and now he’s traveling around the country, judging dance contests.  That’s what he does for a living.  Pretty cool right?  He’s been asking to be on the blog for a while, and what am I stupid?  Of course he can.  He’s successful and beautiful.  (doing!)

So, back to Kirk – he claimed to have a friend from school who runs an ex-pat theater company in Tokyo.  Also, he claims that the show was written by Steve Martin, which doesn’t make any sense because why would Steve Martin write a play about a guy who’s obsessed with cake puppets and female roller derby.?? But we all went along with it.  We joked to each other things like “Oh me too!!  I’m going to Afghanistan to star in Sylvester Stallone’s performance art installation piece about British Colonialism.  He’s not even known as a movie star there!  It’s where he gets the real work done.”

We made a triple berry pie.  It had Strawberries, Blueberries and Raspberries.   I found all of them cheap and ripe at the local Korean market.  People always ask me to post recipes, but I don’t.  Mostly because I improvise a lot of my pie fillings.  Here’s what I did:  An assload of strawberries.  Like, Two big things.  A titload of blueberries: two small things or whatever.  and a little penisload of raspberries.  One tiny thing.  They’re tart and they can take over. I stirred all that together with a couple of tablespoons of corn starch, and a couple of heaping tablespoons of sugar. I put some powdered ginger to brighten up the tartness of the berries.

“Oh, I’m leaving town too!!  Me too!!  Carnie Wilson wrote an opera and we’re doing it in Dresdin in this huge bomb shelter that’s been converted to an ampitheater.   It’s about the Irish Potato Famine and Feminism.  She’s real down to earth. I hear she might bring her dad, Brian Wilson, but that’s just a rumor.”

We dotted the filling with butter.  About two tablespoons, give or take.  I eyeballed it.

I put an egg wash on the pie too – just the whites, because I’m racist.  Then I sprinkled it with cinnamon sugar.

There was a really funny improv team that performed at the benefit.  They’re called Thank You Robot.  They had a great set.  I kept mentioning to one of the team members (who I don’t know at all) that Kirk was the absolute wrong choice to host a show, and didn’t anyone realize how he was just milking this earthquake benefit to call attention to his tumblr about his fake trip to Japan.  The guy kept talking about how great Kirk is and asking me if I’d been drinking a lot.  I told him that I was totally sober and didn’t anyone realize that Kirk keeps bidding on the prizes where you get to be alone with girls?

Anyway.  I was just joking, guy from Thank You Robot.  I think Kirk was a funny, charming host.  I just like to break balls.  It’s the only real way I can show affection.  Well, that, and…  ‘pie making.’

That’s Kirk and Poupak.  Poupak runs the UCB Difference Tumblr.  They both helped organize the benefit.

Corey was fun and easy going.  It has been a while since I’ve seen him, and we had a good time together.  I’d have him back anytime.

And guys, listen.  Kirk’s not a bad guy.  He’s funny and charismatic and charming.  So he made up a theater gig in Japan, and created an elaborate hoax to support that theory – so what?  He’s my friend.  And listen, if you’re in the New York sketch/improv comedy community – I say, let’s just humor him about it, huh?  Let’s all pretend that he actually went to Japan, and actually lived through the earthquake there.  What’s the harm?  Becasue the end result was a great, fun, funny benefit.  A good amount of money was raised to help Japan, which is a real place (I checked).

I mean look at that face.  You’re not a monster are you?  Yes, of course you are, but why spoil Kirk’s fun?  He doesn’t read this blog (he thinks it will make him gay), so if we all agree, we can just pretend that he went to Japan.  That will make us kind, benevolent friends…  Because what are we, without our delusions?  We’re nothing. Artists are nothing without their delusions.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to being an internet superstar.  Jerks.

Who’s better than ARI SCOTT?

Nobody.  Nobody is better than Ari Scott.

What’s that you’re nattering about?  Okay.  I guess Jesus.  Jesus is better, if you’re speaking semantics.

I mean.  He did start one of the world’s big three problem religions, so maybe Ari IS better.   Don’t get mad, I’m not saying your beliefs are dumb, I’m merely pointing out that a lot of blood has been shed over the Christian/Jew/Muslim thing over the last few thousand years.  Right.  And still.  Now.  We’re still doing the bloodshed thing.

What?  All this secular talk is unpopular and people want to hear about Ari Scott, and her connection to pie?

Fine.  Will you pay the National Grid bill, if I get to the blog entry?  WHAT?  You don’t have 41.75 in your bank account?  Oh man.  I gotta move outta Williamsburg.  NO.  It’s not funny that you’re broke.  Yes.  I do have a sense of humor.

Clearly Ari has a sense of humor:

See that photo?  It’s funny.  Mostly out of irony, which, fuck you guys, is not dead.  I agree – the insufferable hipsters people NEARLY beat it to death in the aughts.

Ari clearly proves that irony is not dead and is still very funny.

SHE’S not a strident upper-middle class housewife with a dog, as this picture clearly suggests.

She’s a thriving, relevant New York Comedian.  Musician.  Let’s settle on Photographer and call it a day.

Point is, she doesn’t HAVE to pick.  She’s great at all of that stuff.

Check her out if you don’t believe me:

I’ll wait here a minute and preheat my oven.

Back?  See?  I told you.

So, Ari had a 365 project in 2010.  Photos.  You can see it on her website.  Go back.  BACK.  USE THE PAGE NAVIGATOR.  THE ARROWS!!!!!!!  THE ARROWS!!!!  Okay.  Now click on the icon that says Flicker #1.  That’s her stuff, fool. She had this 365 project, where she took a self portrait every day for 365 days.  Guess what?  She finished it.

Him?  That’s John Frusciante.  Ari’s fiance.

NO SMARTASS, not the guitarist from RED Hot Chilli Peppers.  He’s a comic at UCB theater and in New York and on the Internet.   He organized a nice surprise party for Ari.  He had some of her friends bring laptops to the UCB training center and set them up like a gallery, but on iMacs.  Hot, right?  It’s a start.   She’ll be in art galleries soon, kiddo, not to worry.

By the way, John’s nick name is Fresh Titties.

Why?  Because that’s the freshest supply of tatas.  Clearly.  Stop asking questions.  WHY DO I KEEP YOU AROUND?  Put your pants on.  I remember now.

I made another Mexican Silk for this party.  I wanted to get the recipe right, and I think I did.   Didn’t I?  Oh right.  You didn’t get any of it.  BECAUSE YOU LEFT THE SINK ON.


Oh come on, you know you di…  never mind.

I got it right this time, with more cayenne and cinnamon to really pack that punch in the crust.

A lot of fun, funny people came to support ari and her surprise party.  I was busy obsessing about the pie, but I heard them saying nice things about her.

“I’m Leslie and I’m super cool.  I wrote a show called Love Can Suck a Dick with Megan Nurenger.  It’s super funny and it’s playing on Friday at 7:30 at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater with Pam Murphy’s award winning The C Word.  Wow this pie Michael made is world class.”

“I’m Geoff Garlock.  Yes, you really spell it that way, why? I’m in a buncha bands and I write comedy for Maude night and other stuff around UCB and New York.   AND the internet!  Do you like my new haircut?  I change my look often, and this is a capricious throwaway.  Tomorrow, preppy, maybe.  Michael Martin is funny.”

“I’m Kirk Damato.  This is my girlfriend Sarah.  No.  Not her.  Not the smiling one, that’s Pam.  Why would she be smiling if she was my girlfriend?  The smirking one.  Yes.  Yes.  I know.  I AM LUCKY. Why am I looking sullen?  Because I have a desperate need to appear interesting, just like every other comic in the world.  Speaking of comedy, I am on an improv team called Decoster at UCB.  Or I was.  It’s complicated.  Now I’m in Japan.  Look my acting adventures up on  The point is, I’m here for Ari’s party and to tell Michael how hilariously wonderful EVERY SINGLE THING HE’S EVER DONE IN HIS LIFE IS.”

Stop it Kirk. GUYS.  This is about Ari.


Speaking of God, did I say something secular?  I did.  Yes.  Good.  I’m kind of secular.

Ari is a wonderful lady.  Very kind.  Very talented in many areas.  John is a good fiance.  They are lucky.  Here are photos of the event.

This man is not funny.