Advice

photos: kristen yoonsoo kim

Michael,

I am a 23 year old virgin… and I am madly in love with a 20 year old young man, who some have labelled as a prostitute. He is probably my best friend, and gives me everything I could want out of a relationship just being my friend. However he has never displayed any interest in me even though early in our friendship I expressed my feelings for him. I have a connection with him that I have never felt before with someone and I want him around for the rest of my life. I have known him for nearly a year now and I feel that telling him I was a virgin before I knew I liked him ruined my chances of him ever being attracted to me. I do everything for him and would do anything he asked because that is just the person I am, however I see him sell his body to men old enough to be his father and then fall in love with them. I have stood by him many times while this has happened and my heart has broken every time. Occasionally I am able to get rid of my feelings I have for him and respect our friendship, but then he will do something nice for me like wash a sweater I left at his house or cook for me and all my feelings come rushing back. He keeps a photo of one of the men who flew him out to Denmark to sleep with him next to his bed. Every time I see that picture, I fall apart.

I do everything for him, because as a person that is just the way I am with all my friends. I don’t have many so this is not a problem. I have bought most of his clothes, I buy his groceries, I cut his mother’s lawn, I drive him everywhere, I pay all expenses when we are together, and I try to look after the people important to him. He does not do anything for me, but the fact that he thinks of me wants me with him all the time means so much to me. He is the person I had saved my body and heart for, yet he is not interested. If it was because he did not find me attractive, I could handle that. However I have seen the men he sleeps with and he himself told me he finds me attractive but does not know why he does not like me. The amounts of pain I feel when I see him try and give his heart to men who only want him for sex kills me. It seems all it takes is for a relatively attractive guy to meet him and express sexual interest in him and he falls in love. I have ruined my chances at doing that, because if it goes wrong, I lose him as a friend. At one point I was going to start sleeping with some of the men who have been trying to sleep with me for years to seem more appealing. But other friends talked me out of it.

My question is…. I believe I am reading into some of his actions and it gives me hope he may one day want me. I have shared a bed with him on a few occasions, and during the night I would sleep turned away from him and in his sleep he would call my name and spoon and kiss the back of my neck. I never mentioned it to him because I thought it might make things awkward. In his relationships, he never instigates sex. Guys come to him. But on a few occasions he has oddly lit candles and snuggled up to me while watching a movie. His family members tell him he is stupid for not snatching me up. Also one night when I was driving him home, he brought up the topic of why I haven’t had sex yet and got upset when I said I would only sleep with someone I was in a relationship with. My question is; should I stay around and hope that one day he realizes that I am a good man and would do anything for him? Or should I try and come on to him sexually and hope this works for me like it has for all the other men? If I am going to cut him out of my life, I might as well go out with a bang right? I know he will never appreciate that I have saved my body just for him; the mental connection we share is far too intense to deny my attraction. I recently drove him out of town to move him into university, and now that he is far away I feel like I am dying on the inside. I am at the point where I cannot live with him, and I certainly cannot live without him.

I know this will probably read as a jumbled mess, but that is what I am at the moment…

 

Thanks for Piefolk and Best Regards,

Jeff

Jeff,

Thanks for writing. I hope the tone of my advice doesn’t seem harsh, but honestly, it seems like you need a kick in the pants even more than your friend.

Okay, firstly, let me answer your questions:

1) Should you stay around and hope he realizes you’re good and would do anything for him?

NO. He already realizes this. He is a selfish creature who’s allowed you do buy him things and provide for him. He already knows he can get you to do anything for him without even using his main bartering tool – sex. As far as him realizing you’re ‘good,’ don’t hold your breath. It sounds like he’s a sociopath. Sociopaths are frequently very charismatic and charming, but to a sociopath the word ‘good’ is synonymous with the word ‘weak.’ Just means he can take more advantage.

2) Should you try to come on to him sexually and hope it works point blank like it has with other men?

NO. You’ve already described  a situation that you don’t have any respect for, and now you want to try to add an element of sex to your one-sided relationship. You can bet as soon as you have sex with him, he’ll ask you to lend him money, or buy him something, and you, being a fantastic push-over, will give him whatever he wants. In effect, you’ll be participating in the prostitution of your friend that you’re so much in love with. Yuck. Is that how you want your virginity taken? By a blood sucking tick who sees it as a transaction? Ugh. I hope not.

There’s a larger issue here though, and it’s not with your friend, Jeff – it’s with you. You need to stop being such a door mat. Get rid of your ‘provider’ complex. Most people don’t buy groceries and clothing for their ‘friends.’ You offhandedly toss out that information like it’s normal. It isn’t.

That type of love (where you sacrifice your own happiness and well being for the sake of someone else) is called unconditional love. And it should be reserved for your children and possibly your parents. That’s it.

A prospective lover should have to prove their worth to you, because you’re worth being with. That’s called valuing yourself, and by making yourself the commodity, you’ll make a perspective partner know that pursuing you is worth something. Not just a transaction.

Honestly, Jeff, answering this letter has made me feel more than a little icky. It sounds to me like a habitual martyr has met up with a chronic taker. And the perfect storm of non-functional co-dependance has been established. I’m glad to hear he’s gone away to university. The farther the better.

You’re 23. It might be time to get laid, and get it over with. Or, it might be time to make a resolution that you’re going to wait for love. That’s up to you. But stop thinking that a relationship is you providing for someone. Start making them work for it a little. Feels good to be chased.

Get far, far away from your prostitute friend. And stay there. There’s nothing wrong with sex work, in my book, but he isn’t fucking you. Except for fucking with your head.

Advice

Imagedrawing by dale cooper

Hi there!  

 
I found your blog a couple of months ago and fell in love.  Brooklyn, pie, ukuleles…what’s not to love?  So, I’m feeling a little weird writing to you for advice as you’re a complete stranger.  As I’m writing this, though, I’m thinking that maybe that’s what I need…an unbiased opinion.  
 
Here’s the story:
 
My boyfriend and I broke up a couple months ago.  We’d been together for 3.5 years.  I love him. Always will.  We didn’t have the best relationship towards the end. 
 
 
Two weeks after we broke up, we tried getting back together.  We both really believed in us.  We decided to take things slowly so that we could both have a chance to grow more and not be so dependent on the other person.  Another two weeks later, he invites me to his work holiday party.  First, he blows off our plan of meeting up and going to the party together.  Fine.  I meet him there where he is already a few drinks in.  He basically ignores me the whole night and flirts with the cute host (a friend of his from his school days) the entire evening.  Like touching and obnoxiously laughing.  With me sitting right beside him.  So, I feel extremely awkward and tell him that maybe it would be best if I leave and we can talk about it the next day.  He tells me to stay, and then I call him out on his behavior which he just laughs off and calls me ridiculous.  I press the point.  He pauses and tells me that he doesn’t think he can love me anymore.  I leave.  
 
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I finally call him after a few days ignoring his many calls and texts.  He apologizes for how he acted and tells me that we both need our space so we can both grow.  (I know…that’s what I thought we were doing.)  I’m rather angry and end up saying something I completely regret.  “I feel like a fool for falling for you.”  He didn’t take that so well.  And, I know I said it out of anger and basically that I was upset with the re-ending of our relationship.  I let myself fall for him all over again just to be let down.  So, it’s over.
 
That was last month.  I’m not as sad anymore, but I’m still confused.  How do I move on? 
 
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I know you get tons of e-mails.  And, it would be great if you responded.  But, just knowing that you read this makes me feel a little better. 
 
Best,
Akira
 
p.s. The picture was the beginning preparations for my key lime ginger pie.  It’s real good.
 
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Hey Akira,
 
Thanks for writing in. 
 
Wow.  It sounds like you and your boyfriend must have loved each other very much.  You guys were both so fond of one another that you couldn’t accept the end of your relationship.  That means you had a strong bond.  Neither of you wanted to let go of it.  Still…
 
He acted like a jerk.   But maybe he had reason.
 
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Maybe your ex wanted to try to salvage things, but then soon realized that the differences were too great – maybe he realized that he’d grown too far away to get the closeness back.  It sounds like he really wanted to try to make it work with you two, but lost his resolve somewhere along the line. Certainly he could have communicated better, but his life is being shattered too, right?  He’s going to behave strangely.
 
But none of this conjecture matters.  You’re in real pain.
 
Your question is:  How do i move on?
 
I don’t know.  I’m not good at letting go either.  I still talk to the ghost of my ex, who moved out more than two years ago. 
 
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But here’s a few things you could consider…
 
Be good to yourself.  There’s so much beating ourselves up in life.  But just this once, acknowledge that you’re a great person, and you deserve love. 
 
Make out with everyone.  At least for a month or two.  Why not?  Feel attractive.
 
(use condoms)
 
Throw yourself into your work.  They say the best revenge is living well.  Live well.  Work your way up to something impressive.
 
Listen to yourself.  Don’t try to go out and party if you’re feeling solitary.  Let your body do what it wants to.
 
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Cry.  Let yourself cry about it.  Acknowledging that there is sadness just underlines the point that relationships are worth embarking on.
 
Exercise.  Go to the gym.  Run.  Swim.  Get it out of your system.  I know it feels mental, but some of it is in your body.  Also, you’re on the market now, so get in shape.
 
Akira, seriously – do anything you need to do, but create a separate self, outside the identity of this man.  You sound like a lovely, handsome young man who deserves happiness.  Write your own story.  And write yourself a happy ending.  Give yourself time to grieve.  But after a while, wake up and look at what’s true.  You’re a handsome, young, talented man. 
 
You have a world of options.
 
Jerk.
 
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Advice

photos by ryosuke kumakura

Dear Michael,

I’ve been trying expand my horizons as some might say, and have gone on dates with a few guys I’ve met (relatively new for me); however, this hasn’t been working out very well. I went on a few dates with a guy that I really like (very handsome and refreshingly articulate) and I would say they went well; he seemed more than happy too. After our last one, we couldn’t help but fool around – which was overly enjoyable to say the least. After this though, our communication kinda just stopped. 

We both were visiting our home town for the holidays (Neither of us live there anymore – semi long distance type of thing) and he just left without saying anything and I haven’t heard from him since. Being the type of person that doesn’t like to serial text, I sent him a message and he never responded; thus, I am assuming that he is not going to – being that it has been a week and we used to chat all the time.

My fear is that people just use me because of my face in order to get what they want and then toss me aside. This leads me to the point of advice. How do I know if a guy’s intention is to simply get into my pants and ditch, or if someone actually wants to go on dates with the intention of dating? And, if you have any idea, what should I make of the above situation?  
 
Thanks, 
Duke 
The attached pic is me – sorry I don’t have any fun baking pics 😉
Hey Duke,
Thanks for writing in.  I’m sorry to hear that you recently experienced disappointment in the dating world.  Dating it tough, and being able to process and manage a certain level of disappointment will help you in the process.  It sounds like you’re already on the right track –  if you’re looking for a guy to date for  a while, rather than just fool around with a few times.  Making him wait until the second or third date is a good strategy.  As far as being able to tell whether the guy is just looking to date or just fool around, that’s difficult – most of the time people don’t quite know what they’re looking for, even as they’re out and about in the dating world.
My main piece of advice to you is this:  even as you’re looking for a suitable long term partner, try not to be goal-oriented when you’re dating.  Just see each date as a chance to get to know the other person and have fun.  Try not to read too much into an experience, even if you do wind up fooling around with your date.  People don’t respond well when they can palpably feel your expectations.
Why not consider yourself the commodity?  Be friendly, and have fun, but ultimately make the other person prove to you why they deserve your time.  Always value your own self and what you want most of all.
I’m not exactly sure what it means when you say that people just want to use you because of your face, but as far as faces go, it’s a pretty cute one.  Don’t be surprised if people want to use it for kissing, or other more aggressive activity.
Duke, you’re young and attractive.  Keep your chin up and have a good time.  If you look like you’re having a good time that breeds an attractive energy.  I’m sure there’s plenty more crushes, dates, and foolings-around in your future.
Thanks again for writing in – Jerk.

Questions

Hey Michael,

Before I begin on the matter of importance, I just wanted to say that I enjoy your blog very much. It’s gotten to the point where I check it everyday to see if there are any updates. 🙂

So, I was hoping maybe you could help me out with some advice. I’ve been seeing this boy…his name is Michael too. We started talking on an iPhone social networking app in January. Things were going great, and we eventually started dating. He is 18 years old. and I am 21. Our relationship only lasted one month because he ended up not wanting to be in a relationship with me. He said he still had feelings for his ex. So we stopped talking for about 2 months after our breakup. Now he is texting me a lot and we actually went out to dinner last week so we could talk things out and be on good terms. It all went great, we laughed and talked seriously about how thing ended between us. He tells me now that he really still likes me and thinks about me all the time. He told me the other day that he wants another chance with me. I’m not sure if I should tell him have it because I feel like he still has feelings for his ex and things will just be the same as last time. He will also be leaving for college in the fall…in another state. I just dont know what to do really. I like him, I think he’s a great guy. What do you think?

-Evan

Evan,

Thanks for writing in.  You’re sweet and kind, and not a douche.

At least, I get that from your letter.  Am I right?

So this guy wants you back eh?  Okay.  You seem to like him.  So maybe let him have you back?  A little.  But hey, make it difficult for him.  Make him prove that he’s not just trying to see if he can get you back out of some emotional existential boredom. On the other hand, don’t make it TOO hard for him – gay people are frequently emotionally ADD.

You think he still has feelings for his ex?  You’re right. He does.  That’s how love works.  You don’t ever stop loving someone, once you fall in love with them.  You just find ways of muting it, when it’s over.

So, okay,  here’s my advice:  Do it.

Let yourself fall for this guy.  Let yourself love him.

But only a little.

He’s leaving.  He’ll be gone in a few short months.  That sucks, but there’s a power to that.  It means that even if he doesn’t act like a douche about his ex, he’s still going to break your heart by leaving.  So, either way, it’s going to hurt.

BUT.

You like him.

You should fall for him.  You’re 21.  He’s 18.  You’re supposed to be having epic romances.  Let yourself.  See where it leads?

You will heal if he hurts you.  Let him.

Do you want to go through life as an emotional daredevil?  Of COURSE you do.  You will heal if he hurts you. Always keep one eye open and know this might be treacherous. I love you.

Michael

Kinda Awkward,

Okay so im 18,and ive had sex a few times..i bottomed now for the 4th time and cant help but feel that its not for me. I hate to say it but, it just feels like im pooping :p

if it wasnt for this constant feeling of pooping when he fucks me,i think i might like it…I know what ur gonna say, poop before, but i do and i still feel it..then im worried ill poop.
is every man suppose to like anal sex? I feel like im a bottom, but i just dont know what all the fuss is about getting fucked. Is the moans and growns in porn, moans of pleasure or just discomfort?.will it become more enjoyable with practice?all i want to do when im with  guy i like is to please him,how can i get around anal sex?How can i keep a guy i like without letting him in?

-Awkward and lonely


p.s. whats ur views on unprotected sex
Awkward,
I bet you’re a beautiful guy.   I know you are.  All Gay people are beautiful and perfect, because all people are.  I believe that.
Okay.
Here are a few things to consider.
1) Maybe you’re not a bottom?  Hey.  When you’re young and gay and pretty?  EVERYONE wants to fuck you.  But, maybe you’re not a bottom?  That’s a possibility to keep in mind.  Maybe you’re a top?
Or maybe you’re one of those weird Gays that only likes oral sex?  I love those weird Gays!
2) However, it sounds like you want to bottom, or try to learn if you are a bottom. In which case:  Keep Doing It.  Let yourself try it… oh I dunno…  ten times?  If after ten times bottoming you think it’s a nuisance, then try finding a cute boy to top.
I want to ask – are you cleaning out?  Are you giving yourself an enema before you let someone penetrate you?  That can make all the difference.  I know lots of bottoms that fuss about whether they’re going to poop everywhere.  Most of those guys just clean out, so the sex is not filled with… er… smudges…
(if you need more information about this, awkward, just email me and i’ll be more specific)
Here’s my advice:  I frequently think Gay men have the short end of the stick.  We are a cultural bogeyman.  People hate us.  We’re even prone to hating ourselves.
I think we should enjoy the few privileges we have.  One of those privileges is that we get to enjoy both passive and penetrative sex.  Please revel in that.  Please enjoy the benefits to being Gay. Seriously.
Oh.
BTW.  That constantly pooping feeling?  It goes away. Keep practicing.
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?  Practice Practice Practice.
P.S.  How do I feel about barebacking?
DON’T
Please be safe?  AIDS is still real.  HIV is still a pain in the ass.  It’s not a joke.  It’s your life.  Please be smart?
Don’t. Let. Anyone. Bareback.  You.
Please?
Jerk.