Sometimes people ask me on dates. They see me on the internet. Maybe they think I’m the answer to their life problems, or loneliness. Invariably I prove them wrong:
Month: February 2011
PieFAIL!!
Enjoy your Sunday, Jerks!
SaturDATE
Sometimes people ask me on dates. They see me on the internet. Maybe they think I’m the answer to their life problems, or loneliness. Invariably I prove them wrong:
Me: So cute! Thanks for the drawing.
Him: You’re welcome.
Me: They look so happy.
Him: They are.
Me: Did you notice how you put color in everything, except the people?
Him: Yes.
Me: You did that intentionally?
Him: Yes.
Me: Why?
Him: Because people are all empty inside. Is that your backyard down there? Do you have access?
Me: It’s the down-stairs neighbor’s It’s their backyard. Can we go back to the drawing? People are all empty?
Him: Yeah, people are all empty. Corrupted. Void. Nature is the only thing that is perfect and the people in the painting are empty. They need to keep the yard better. Don’t you think?
Me: Don’t get me started. If that was my back yard there’s be a sundeck and a garden, and then some. Hey. So.. the people have no color because they’re empty?
Him: Yes. They are void and imperfect and they are empty. That’s how they are able to be so happy.
(long pause)
Me: Well, thanks for the drawing.
Him: You’re welcome.
(long pause)
Me: Maybe I’d put in a fish pond, too, if it was my backyard.
Surprise ending – I walked him to the train instead of inviting him to stay over. There’s a combination grave marker store/bakery (I shit you not) on my street. He stopped to photograph it and muttered to himself what a great find it was.
Enjoy the SaturDATE, jerks.
People Send Me Stuff
From time to time people send me stuff.
I think my blog tickles a voyeuristic streak they have. I dunno, really. I’m grateful for the photos, drawings, etc.
You can send me stuff, if you want. Just email me at piefolk@gmail.com
These pictures below are from a guy named H:
I didn’t know if he wanted me using his name. So, I’ll just keep it to H.
I think these are some great shots. They seem self conscious and un-self conscious at the same time, which is really what you want for an internet photo of yourself semi-nude. Or if you made a pie:
See what I mean? Unselfconscious and shy at the same time. Adorable.
I like this one. It looks candid.
This next one, however, is slutty and staged:
I mean, the pies look expert, sure, but a trio of egg pies?? Nestled together for warmth?
You might as well send me an evite to a threesome.
Just to be clear. I was joking. Don’t invite me to any threesomes. My mom reads this blog, Jerks.
Even so. Thanks for sending me stuff, guys. You’re all beautiful, perfect creatures of the Universe.
Enjoy the boy/pie photos. Jerks.
I can EXPLAIN!!!
Damn that Japanese Little Brother Kazu!
He comes over every so often and gets me into the trickiest situations! I think he’s possessed by an Ancient Demon Apple Pie Monster. He always smells fragrant, like apples and cinnamon. Maybe it’s his lip balm.
I promised him baked goods, but all I had in the house was stale blueberry quick bread.
I had to think fast.
You don’t want the Ancient Demon of an Apple Pie Monster to get angry.
Oh. Sidebar:
Look. Usually i don’t wear underwear like this, okay? I usually have something a little less ‘Grandpa-ish’ on when I’m entertaining house guests, especially if they’re young and gay and etc.
But hey. It was laundry day and they were running a sale at one of those dollar stores in Greenpoint, which created a perfect storm for me wearing these horrible undies.
Bread pudding is pretty simple. You just take any stale baked good (bread, muffins, cake, whatever) and you break it up into crumbs. Then you add a certain amount of milk, brown sugar and eggs.
I’m not going to tell you the exact proportions. It’s really simple – just search ‘bread pudding‘ online. Did you click the link? Aren’t I an asshole?
So I used the blueberry quick bread and some fresh blueberries I found at the market. I also put some dark chocolate chips inside the bread.
I had to. I was afraid of the Ancient Demon Apple Pie Monster.
And if I ever want to be Hokage I will have to learn how to keep the Apple Pie Monster from taking over when I’m fighting for Leaf Village.
Little Brother brings out the best in me. Or the worst?
It’s really easy for him to get me to pose for ridiculous photos.
God. I can’t get over how saggy these underwear are.
Lordy.
What was I thinking?
Jeez.
Look at the window behind me. You can see a reflection of my butt. Look at how the underwear sag like an old lady’s triceps.
Oh well. I’ll have to live with it. Laundry doesn’t come back until tomorrow.
The bread pudding was totally great. I ate too much of it and now I have to start going back to the gym. Spring is here, after all, and there’s nothing like being a full grown man obsessed with his body.
I think I banished the Ancient Demon Apple Pie Monster for the time being.
In other news: I made a new video to ask President Barack Obama to come to my house for pie. Please Watch it!
Enjoy the Little Brother, Jerks!
Dear Barack Obama
One Photo
Sometimes people contact me online. This guy Lex and I have been emailing back and forth. He’s offered to draw me an action shot. I’m excited. This is the prototype. Enjoy it, Jerks.
TuesDATE
Sometimes people ask me on dates. They see me on the internet. Maybe they think I’m the answer to their life problems, or loneliness. Invariably I prove them wrong.
Him: Sorry. You made me wait for longer than I thought I would have to, in that bank.
Me: Sorry I asked you to meet me there. I had to open up a business account.
Him: Why?
Me: My accountant told me to. I don’t know. You look so cute.
Him: Ugh. I feel gross. I haven’t showered and I drank last night.
Me: Did you drink a lot?
Him: Yes. My friend talked me into staying out later than I wanted to. I was out until 3. I feel queasy.
Me: Didn’t you have to be at work at 8:30? You’re hungover.
Him: No, I just didn’t sleep a lot.
Me: And you feel queasy.
Him: Yeah.
Me: And you drank a lot.
Him: Yeah.
Me: That’s a hangover.
Him: NO. I told you I’m NOT hungover. I just didn’t sleep and had to go to work only a few hours after drinking a lot.
Me: Yeah. That’s called a hangover.
Him: You’re so judgmental.
Me: Oh. No. Sorry… I don’t mean to seem like I’m judging. I’m not saying, “Oh, you’re hung over, you should be ashamed – how dare you show up for a date with me with a hangover.” It’s not judging. It’s perceiving. I’m just labeling the condition. More like, “Oh, that’s just a hangover.”
Him: Wow. You’re so much fun.
Me: Oh yes. Nothing but. I’m. So. Much. Fun.
(long pause)
Me: Hey. I’m cooking a whole lot of food. Do you still want me to make you lunch? Late lunch?
Him: I think I already told you I feel queasy, but sure. I’ll see what happens.
Me: I’m a good cook. You’ll feel hungry after a minute.
Him: Can we listen to Gaga?
Me: What?
Him: When we get to your house. Can we listen to Gaga?
(loooooooong pause)
Me: Sure.
…
I love Gaga.
(surprise ending: I don’t love Gaga.)
Emergency.
There was an emergency. Blood was spilled and well… mistakes were made. I’m being dramatic, but still –
This is Enrico D. Wey. He’s a friend of mine. Stop looking at me like that. I don’t beat him.
I DON’T!
I should, maybe. But I don’t. I couldn’t, really. I’m not like that.
STOP. Don’t look at me like that. I DIDN’T DO THAT TO HIM. I PLAYED NURSE AND THEN MADE HIM DINNER. I swear.
Oh jesus. That’s not helping. He’s looking at me like he’s totally suspicious of me. But you have to understand, that’s because he doesn’t quite like me . Don’t get me wrong. I think he thinks I’m cute and all, and maybe slightly amusing (MAYBE). But I think he also finds me pretty annoying.
Or… hm. That’s too strong, maybe.
Let’s just say he doesn’t find me NEARLY as charming as I think I am.
And that DRIVES ME CRAZY.
Because he’s wrong. I am charming.
What?
I didn’t rough him up, jerk. Now you’re just saying it to annoy me.
Stop it. Listen:
I asked him over when he mentioned he was rehearsing in the neighborhood. I was planning on cooking dinner anyhow. I made a rather poor imitation of Korean food. I had some kim chi lying around and I tried to make a Bi Bim Bop stone bowl affect with my cast iron skillet. And then I roasted some sprouts, because it’s late February now, and they’ll be totally out of season soon.
Then I asked him if he’d make some blueberry quick bread.
He said okay.
That doesn’t mean he actually likes me as a person, I pointed out. He was quick to agree.
I’m glad we settled that.
Enrico is an interesting case. I’ve been following (online stalking) his career for a few years now and I’m always impressed with the stuff I turn up about him. Seems like every six months he succeeds in a different arena. I’m not kidding. He’s a technical director. He also has a name for himself as a choreographer. Sometimes I’ll ichat him and he’ll be in some far-off land, on an artist’s fellowship at some university or theater.
He’s modest, and he won’t tell you what a great career he’s having, but he’s having one.
Oh. Yeah. He’s also a puppeteer.
His most recent gig has been with this Broadway show at Lincoln Center – War Horse.
That’s right. He’s doing puppetry and acting in a Broadway show. Pretty cool, eh?
I think it’s pretty cool. Yes. You’re right – I buried the lead.
What? Shut up. I didn’t cause that scrape.
Anyway. As I was saying. I love to internet stalk this guy. I’ve been at it off and on for a few years I guess? I like to meet people online and chat with them for months or years before I actually meet them. It weeds out the loonies and crystal meth addicts.
Isn’t he good looking? So handsome, right?
This is the first time I’ve ever annoyed someone into hanging out with me. I whined and whined until he finally consented.
Oh, is that surprising? I should have mentioned before now that I have zero pride.
I have very little pride. Also, I’m lying about having very little pride. I’m way too proud.
Anyway. He came over and I dressed his wound from rehearsal. Then I made us dinner. He made some quick bread. It had canned blueberry pie filling and dark chocolate chips. He’s a nice guy, as it turns out. He’s funny and sardonic, and he takes a while to warm up to you.
I think I may have won him over. I may have moved myself, incrementally, in his head. from one category to another. By the time he left he was treating me less like a “creepy weirdo” and more like a “benign weirdo.” Score.
What can I say. When you’re charming you’re charming.
Now I suppose it’s back to Googling him every so often and harassing him on ichat.
Enjoy the internet stalking, Jerks.
PIEFOLK 
