Dear Piefolk,


Lately I have really come to terms with who I am as a person. I’m often wondering about my personal life. I have been single for 8 years, which is a blessing because it has allowed me to enjoy the finer things in life. But at the same time, I often wonder why do a lot of gay males put such an heavy emphasis on having an relationship? Why do they insist on having a companion at such an young age when that phase is meant to experience a lot of things. I just don’t understand how it can be so complicated but yet so simple. I don’t want a relationship but I do want companionship.

            I’m an African American male who happens to be attracted to Caucasians males but I often find most of them sexualize the African American community, how can I approach a guy without them sexualizing me or the parts that I have? I’m an old soul, and I do believe in the whole courting process hence dinner, flowers, movies and the whole nine yard but most of them don’t want to engage in that, they want to get down to the nitty and gritty part of the bedroom which is okay – but I do want to be able to enjoy their company.. How can I do that without giving the aura of wanting a relationship when I just want to be able to enjoy their company on a simplistic level.



Confused African American


Dear CAA,

Thanks for writing. This is a very complicated issue. Most gay men are emotionally stunted, buddy. They don’t get to express their sexuality, usually, until college age, and even then the rest of society asks gay men to submerge themselves into a hetero-normative paradigm. Boys aren’t allowed to walk down the street holding hands. People say you can in New York, but I’d like to see you try it in The Bronx, or Bushwick after dark.

Most straight people have been conditioned from a very early age to fear and mistrust homosexuals. Yes, things are changing, but as you well know from being African American – change is hard earned and you have to quietly insist on your dignity your entire life. Or fight for it, in certain circumstances.

The side effect, I think, is a certain feeling you get when you’re a gay man. The world hates you and wishes you would go away, so how do you even have a relationship? Then again, we are all raised to idolize the traditional heterosexual family structure and we want it all. House, kids, picket fence, houseboy(s).  However, most of us have been pressured by our families to change who we are fundamentally, or at least be sensible enough to constantly hide our sexuality –  when the rest of the world gets to broadcast their love all over the place. We have to walk around feeling like we don’t deserve the simple things straight people take for granted.

Maybe it’s just a man thing. I’ve heard women complain that all men are desperately lonely, and terrified of commitment. Well, gay men certainly are, and so we usually go for sex instead of a date. Call it modern, convenient, fun, decadent – it’s been my experience that most guys want to have sex, and not stick around to play video games.

Which is weird, because getting a beej while you play video games is probably the best thing going.

You might be casting mixed signals, being a good date but not being a relationship type. You might experiment with the idea of hanging out with a good friend, non-sexually, and hooking up with a handsome stranger from the internet later that evening. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s also nothing wrong with going on a date when you’re pretty sure you don’t want a relationship. Dating is fun, and leads to STDs. Why wouldn’t you?

I will, however, balk at the idea that you just ‘happen’ to be attracted to Caucasians, while they all want you for your big black parts. You asked how to get people to stop sexualizing you? You can’t. Just enjoy it. People like what they like. It’s just as racist for you to only sleep with white boys, as it is for them to only want a black lovers – which is to say – not at all racist. People have preferences, and it’s not just racial. Sometimes it’s cultural, or class based, or sometimes you want mint tea and there’s none left and you drink chamomile. Delicious yellow chamomile.

However, if you do go on a date and the dude won’t stop mentioning your race in an unfunny, annoying way? Don’t reward him by having sex with him. Don’t do it. You’re not doing well for yourself or the world by rewarding the type of behavior you disdain. It sounds like you’re an old-fashioned guy who likes to take things slow. It sounds like you have a healthy sex drive. You’re part of two oppressed minority groups. I’d say, take the best of life and leave the rest. Focusing on the negative makes a negative life, and you’ve probably had a long haul to get where you are. Let yourself enjoy.

I guess I mean this: Bring flowers, go to dinner, hold hands – and go out there and get some pretty white tail. You earned it.




IMG_9852adam gardiner


I came across your blog and I need advice. I am 28. That really doesnt matter, nevermind. Anyways, I met a guy through mutual friends 10 days ago. We hit it off BIG TIME. I will admit, at first I was not super into it, or wasn’t attracted at first but he came onto me and I just kept finding him more and more attractive until all the sudden BAM! he was the hottest mofo ever. We had INCREDIBLE SEX. Five times the first night. He was very sweet, texting me afterwards, non stop communicating etc. He is new to being gay/out. I am kinda too but he is newer. He asked me to hang two days later and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to or not and was still talking to other guys and I passed. We agreed to hang the next night..and when he got here to the city, he invited me to come hang at his friends place. These friends are two older guys (in a relationship) that he has had sex with. So, naturally I got a little turned off and made other plans. We drunkenly made plans to meet up later that night, which was a bad idea because we were both getting intoxicated and that stuff falls through and I realize this. Needless to say, he didnt pull through and I got a little pissed off and sent some text. He called me five times that night, apologized the next day (thanksgiving). I got over it, he came over and we had more amazing passionate sex. Its not a connection I normally experience. IT feels like love to me, as crazy as that sounds but Im not naive. I know its not realistic to believe that. We just have very passionate, loving hot encounters. I feel very close to him, naturally. I seriously just wanna own this kids body and hole. Love kissing him. He had only bottomed three other times before me so you can imagine my pleasure. I also went ahead and sat on his cock too. IT was amazing. Then, the next day neither of us texted eachother. I texted him saturday and he texted back four hours later. That was cool, we chatted. I told him I was out with a bud. This bud is actually a guy I have been seeing since July but we have never had sex. He is a virgin. This same bud asks me to be his boyfriend that evening and I say no. ITs crazy cuz two months ago that is all I wanted and now I do not. I feel like Ive lost interest. That is a separate story.


Anyways, we communicate Sunday and I guess as this point I was feeling a distance from the new guy that Im crazy about. I end up completely overreacting to his text. I guess I felt like he wasn’t being as sweet or as present as he was originally and I said something like “Whats up with you dude? Did you enjoy yourself the other night”? (knowing that he did). He said he was tired and laying down after work. I said “I dont have time for this bullshit.” Or something to that effect. I was just being a total spaz for no reason..for the second time and we had only known eachother less than a wk. So then I send a long “Im sorry Im being crazy” text, telling him I like him alot and I havent felt that way for anyone in a while and that I want to take him out. He told me he liked me the second time we hung out. I told him I did too, so this was not news. I then follow that text up by saying that Jordan asked me to be his boyfriend and that i was just very confused and acting irrationally. He then responds by saying it all threw him off but that he isn’t looking to jump into a relationship but has a good time with me etc. I then counteract by saying that I think we should just be friends and that I love Jordan and blah blah blah .A bunch of absolute bullshit!!! This was basically an outright lie to make myself unavailable and to make him want me. I will admit I could sense some disappointment which is what I wanted. I am a twisted fuck. Then, I go on to tell him how hot Jordan is (which he is pretty sexy) as he asked what he looks like and I tell him that he and I can only be bro’s, as to make myself unavailable and to make him want me. I am a DOUCHE. This kinda thing works though, sadly. Anyways, so I then tell him I really like him though and I Want him to know that and he says he likes me too and that he just is living life right now not looking for a relationship. I never once told him I wanted to be with him so idk why he keep saying it. Then I say it doesnt matter anyways as Jordan is in my life..and he says “exactly” and then I Say “but it does matter to me” and he says “I care but…” and then I say “what?”.. and he says nevermind man and then never tells me what he is gonna say! I then texted him trying to get him out of it quite a few times (I had been drinking). I then just restate what I had said, saying that depsite Jordan, I do like him a lot and that I care and that it matters and that I am just very confused. (obviously!) I then send him a sexy pic and refer to myself as the “whip nip” lol with a wink face. I then apologize again for being such a crazy ass and tell him that he just has that effect on me. He texted me the next morning and said he had been sleeping as he had to work at 5am, which he does work super early. At this point, I had worried so much about it that I didnt respond for twelve hours and all I said was “I worked all day, Im exhausted. I was drunk”. We have not communicated at all since. He never responded to my response. I am wondering what he is thinking. I keep telling myself to just give it time and space as we met a week ago and it got hot and heavy fast. I dont want to tell him Im not really with Jordan or that I am not going to be with Jordan because it will just be obvious and I will be putting it all out there. I do think this guy likes me and I think it may be salvageable despite my erratic behavior. What do I do? I already know that I will cut this crap out, for sure. ITs not even me. I was just blindsided. I am so fucking into him. Even weirder because initially I did not think I would be. What do I do or say? help. Ps- I am a pretty attractive guy with a nice body, if that makes any sort of difference and he really seems to like it..as well as my dick. Should I wait? How do I appear non crazy and express my interest while at the same time not making myself totally available? Help! 😦

– dan


Dear Dan,

Thanks for reading and thanks for asking my advice. Here it is:

Paragraph breaks, in your emails. I think it will change your life.


Oh, I thought of more advice. Give up on this relationship. Seriously. Scrap it. Next time you have one, don’t dick the other guy around by playing stupid mind games.

You coming clean will just reveal you as the crazy mess you are. It won’t solve anything, or make you look adorable. Just scrap this relationship and stop being a selfish idiot.

Someone’s feelings are at stake. Yes, I know you think I mean YOURS, but I actually mean the other person’s. If you can learn that, you can get over yourself and actually fall in love. If not, keep getting drunk and fucking everyone forever. That’s not the worst life either.

Oh yeah, and stop using ‘I was drunk’ as an excuse for any sort of behavior. Nobody cares you were drunk, only that you acted like an asshole.

I’m sure you’re a nice guy at heart. I’m sure your intentions are in the right place. However, it’s time the world learned that intentions are all well and good, but actions make the world go round. I’m sure Andy Dick had good intentions when he started doing comedy, and look what happened.

Being in love means putting the other person first (at least sometimes).


P.S. I’m serious about those paragraph breaks. It will organize your thoughts and change your life. Or at least make mine easier, next time.



WednesDATE: Jack of All Trades

photos by tri vo

Him:  Well hello there.

Me:  Hi.  How are you?

Him:  I’m very well.  How are you?

Me:  I’m fine.  Thanks.

Him:  You’re probably wondering what a man clearly 20 years older than you is doing striking up a conversation in a bar…

Me:  Not really.  We’re sitting next to each other.  I’m not going to barbeque you for being social.

Him:  That’s a wonderful choice.  Allow me to present my card.  My name is Jack, and I do everything.  I am therefore a Jack of All Trades.

Me:  So your card says…

Him:  I’m a singer…  I have my own vodka… And I am a concierge to the world.

Me:  Hm…  what does that entail?

Him:  Being a lot of things to a lot of people.

Me:  Okay.  I can respect that.

Him:  You probably don’t know what to think of me.  A very forward man in his mid-fifties dressed so flamboyantly…

Me:  I’m amused.  Where did you find an entirely red suit?

Him:  It was custom made for me by a friend.  I added the many pendants and broaches myself.

Me:  Good call.

Him:  Thank you.  May I skip right to the point?

Me:  Uh…  Sure…  I guess…

Him:  I noticed you have very big hands.

Me:  Ha.  I guess I do.

Him:  And in my experience -men with big hands are frequently big in other areas.  Do you follow my meaning?

Me:  My feet?

Him:  Amongst other appendages that stick out, yes.

Me:  Okay… I-

Him:  And, well…  I am an appreciator – nay, a connoisseur of the well endowed.

Me:  Heh.  You’re something else.

Him:  You have no idea…

Me:  I…

Him:  Have you ever seen a snake disengage its jaw to swallow a large egg?

Me:  On television.  Not in person.

Him:  It’s similar to that.

Me: I think I get where you’re going.

Him:  Do you?  I’m saying that I have no gag reflex.

Me:  I know.  I get it.

Him:  I’m saying – It doesn’t matter how endowed you are.  I can swallow you whole.

Me:  That’s really clear.   You’ve made that clear.  I get it.  So did you watch the Grammy awards?

Him:  I’m looking for men with big hands that can appreciate a man of my talents.

Me:  Okay.  That’s very funny.  You’re forward, and I appreciate your energy, but I’m probably just here to hang out and relax, buddy.

Him:  You know what’s really relaxing?

Me:  Oh Jesus…

Him:  Having a mature friend who understands how to fully satisfy you without wasting a drop of your precious essence.

Me:  What?  This is by far the most bizarre proposition I’ve had in at least a week.

Him:  Do you understand what I mean when I say ‘essence?’

Me:  Yeah.  I’m not an idiot.

Him:  Sperm.  I’m talking about sperm.

Me:  I GET IT!  I understand what you’re saying.  Just…  Let’s change the subject, okay?

Him:  There’s no need to get hostile.

Me:  I’m not trying to be hostile, but we’re in a public place, and I’m just trying to relax.  I want to be friendly and not rude, but I also don’t necessarily want to have an audible conversation about how you can disengage your jaw like a boa constrictor, although – sidebar:  that’s very impressive…

Him:  Thank you.  From one impressive man to another, I accept your compliment.


Him:  Did you watch the Grammy awards?

Me:  No.  I was just changing the subject.

Him:  How big is your penis?

Me:  Okay.  We’re done.  We’re not talking anymore.

Him:  I was just changing the subject.

Me:  Have a good night.  Jerk.


Imagedrawing by dale cooper

Hi there!  

I found your blog a couple of months ago and fell in love.  Brooklyn, pie, ukuleles…what’s not to love?  So, I’m feeling a little weird writing to you for advice as you’re a complete stranger.  As I’m writing this, though, I’m thinking that maybe that’s what I need…an unbiased opinion.  
Here’s the story:
My boyfriend and I broke up a couple months ago.  We’d been together for 3.5 years.  I love him. Always will.  We didn’t have the best relationship towards the end. 
Two weeks after we broke up, we tried getting back together.  We both really believed in us.  We decided to take things slowly so that we could both have a chance to grow more and not be so dependent on the other person.  Another two weeks later, he invites me to his work holiday party.  First, he blows off our plan of meeting up and going to the party together.  Fine.  I meet him there where he is already a few drinks in.  He basically ignores me the whole night and flirts with the cute host (a friend of his from his school days) the entire evening.  Like touching and obnoxiously laughing.  With me sitting right beside him.  So, I feel extremely awkward and tell him that maybe it would be best if I leave and we can talk about it the next day.  He tells me to stay, and then I call him out on his behavior which he just laughs off and calls me ridiculous.  I press the point.  He pauses and tells me that he doesn’t think he can love me anymore.  I leave.  
I finally call him after a few days ignoring his many calls and texts.  He apologizes for how he acted and tells me that we both need our space so we can both grow.  (I know…that’s what I thought we were doing.)  I’m rather angry and end up saying something I completely regret.  “I feel like a fool for falling for you.”  He didn’t take that so well.  And, I know I said it out of anger and basically that I was upset with the re-ending of our relationship.  I let myself fall for him all over again just to be let down.  So, it’s over.
That was last month.  I’m not as sad anymore, but I’m still confused.  How do I move on? 
I know you get tons of e-mails.  And, it would be great if you responded.  But, just knowing that you read this makes me feel a little better. 
p.s. The picture was the beginning preparations for my key lime ginger pie.  It’s real good.
Hey Akira,
Thanks for writing in. 
Wow.  It sounds like you and your boyfriend must have loved each other very much.  You guys were both so fond of one another that you couldn’t accept the end of your relationship.  That means you had a strong bond.  Neither of you wanted to let go of it.  Still…
He acted like a jerk.   But maybe he had reason.
Maybe your ex wanted to try to salvage things, but then soon realized that the differences were too great – maybe he realized that he’d grown too far away to get the closeness back.  It sounds like he really wanted to try to make it work with you two, but lost his resolve somewhere along the line. Certainly he could have communicated better, but his life is being shattered too, right?  He’s going to behave strangely.
But none of this conjecture matters.  You’re in real pain.
Your question is:  How do i move on?
I don’t know.  I’m not good at letting go either.  I still talk to the ghost of my ex, who moved out more than two years ago. 
But here’s a few things you could consider…
Be good to yourself.  There’s so much beating ourselves up in life.  But just this once, acknowledge that you’re a great person, and you deserve love. 
Make out with everyone.  At least for a month or two.  Why not?  Feel attractive.
(use condoms)
Throw yourself into your work.  They say the best revenge is living well.  Live well.  Work your way up to something impressive.
Listen to yourself.  Don’t try to go out and party if you’re feeling solitary.  Let your body do what it wants to.
Cry.  Let yourself cry about it.  Acknowledging that there is sadness just underlines the point that relationships are worth embarking on.
Exercise.  Go to the gym.  Run.  Swim.  Get it out of your system.  I know it feels mental, but some of it is in your body.  Also, you’re on the market now, so get in shape.
Akira, seriously – do anything you need to do, but create a separate self, outside the identity of this man.  You sound like a lovely, handsome young man who deserves happiness.  Write your own story.  And write yourself a happy ending.  Give yourself time to grieve.  But after a while, wake up and look at what’s true.  You’re a handsome, young, talented man. 
You have a world of options.


I Have Dreams

baking photos by kristen yoonsoo kim

Him:  Hey.  Nice to meet you.  I’m Y.

Me:  Nice to meet you too, Y, I’m Michael.

Him:  It’s so funny.  I was just thinking about you, the other day. 

Me:  Oh, is that so?  Why?

Him:  This is so weird.  I’ve just met you, but I feel a sort of connection between us.  Something cosmic, maybe.

Me:  Haha…  please sit down.  Take your coat off.  Would you like a drink?  I think I have some Xmas whiskey around here somewhere…

Him:  Of course.  I’ll have some whiskey.

Me:  What would you like me to mix it with?  I have ice, and ice.

Him:  What?

Me:  It’s a joke.  I don’t have any mixers.

Him:  Ice will be fine.

Me:  So, cosmic connection?

Him:  Well, you said hi to me on Grindr…

Me:  That’s true…

(sometimes i think cylons have invaded my grinder app)

Him:  Which led me to your blog, which I spent the last three days reading.

Me:  You what?

Him:  I read the whole thing.

Me:  Congrats, I haven’t even read the whole thing…

Him:  Is that so? 

Me:  No.  I’ve read it a few times…


Me:  What??  I’m self absorbed!  Keep going…

Him:  Anyway I was at a soba restaurant the other day, and I kept hearing them call out a name to someone in the kitchen.  They kept yelling Kazu!

Me:  Aw.  My little brother, Kazu.   I love that kid.

Him:  Exactly.  He looked so familiar, and I thought the coincidence was too strong, and I had to try to meet you.

Me:  Well I hope you’re not too disappointed.

Him:  No, not at all.  When I hugged you hello, I noticed you have a nice smell.

Me:  I…  uh, what?  I mean, thank you.  Thank you.  That’s very sweet of you to say.  You’re a very cute boy yourself.

Him:  I’m 32.

Me:  I know, but you know what I mean.  Can I  sniff you?

Him:  Sniff?

Me:  You know, now that we’re keeping tabs.

Him:   Okay.

(pause – I smell him.)

Me:  You smell nice too.

Him:  Thank you.

Me:  Well I’m glad that’s out of the way.  So you were talking about connections?

Him:  Yeah.  I do this thing.  I have dreams sometimes.  Sometimes they come true.  Well, no, not exactly, but it’s something similar.  Do you have time?  Can I tell a story?

Me:  Sure.

Him:  A while back I had a dream.  I dreamed about my 4th grade teacher.  I hadn’t thought about him in a long time, but he was one of my better teachers and he was well liked by the class…   Anyway, that’s pretty weird to just dream about your old teacher like that. 

(grindr, that’s not what umbrellas are for…)

Anyway, in my dream he was dead.  Everyone was sad that he was dead. Lots of students had gathered to celebrate him and commemorate his death.  Well, I didn’t think much about the dream until a few months later when my grandfather in Tokyo had a stroke.  I was supposed to go back and see him, but I had this feeling that everything with my grandfather would be all right.  In any case,  I wound up taking a flight back to Tokyo.

Me:  Bye, bye – 1500 dollars.

Him:  Right?  And here’s the weird thing:  my grandfather wound up being fine.  BUT.  While we were visiting him in the hospital, I found, just by chance that my 4th grade teacher was there, dying of cancer.

Me:  Are you serious??

Him:  Yes.  I happened to walk by his room and notice his name on the door.

Me:  That’s amazing.

Him:  Yes, and I contacted a number of our classmates that I could find on Facebook, and we all went to visit him, and thank him for teaching us, and affecting our lives.  And then he died, shortly after.

Me:  Is that true?

Him:  Absolutely.

Me:  That’s a beautiful story.  Hey…

Him:  What?

Me:  Thank you for telling me that.  I’m glad you felt a connection with me.  I’m glad that you’re here.  And, know what?

Him:  What?

Me:  I think it was a very kind thing you did, organizing your classmates together to visit your teacher.  I think that’s impressive.

Him:  Oh…  I just wanted him to see how much further down the line he had affected the world.  I wanted him to know that he taught us well, and that we went out in the world and did well.  It was important to me.

Me:  Well thank you for telling me about that.  I think that’s inspiring, somehow.

Him:  Thank you.

(long pause)

Him:  Can I smell you again?

(long pause)

Me:  Yes, of course you can.