allison michael orenstein

Me:  Where did you go?  You left after the show.  I was so excited to see  you.  I’ve been wondering about you for months.

Him: I am sorry ~ I was so shy ~and actually I did came back ~after eating mcdonald ~ THanks a lot ~ for your show ~ I feel much more better now ~I was so upset these days ~ and bored ~ and bite my lips twice by eating food ~ actually 3rd time ~ today the mc chicken make me bite my lips a 3rd time ~you are so cute ~ garfield ~ I like you very much ~ I ll definitely come back to see you again ~ :)lol ~ you leave so early ~ I thought you will stay later ~ Next time we ll eat together ~ lol~

Me:  I’ve been waiting for months to meet you.  I’ve been intrigued by you.  You’re a Gay Christian, from a culture that doesn’t embrace Christianity.  That’s interesting to me.  Plus I’ve grown attached to you, from talking to you on Facebook.  Next time wait for me.

I want to talk to you, or just take a walk.

Him:  I went to mcdonald n regret n went back, but i bite my lip again…

Me:  What’s this church you go to?  I wanted to walk with you and talk, and maybe hug you and touch your face.  I feel strongly for you, somehow, after talking so long on Facebook.  You’re an unusual guy…

Him:  I go to five churches.  Three of them frequently…  Anglican Christian…

Me:  Isn’t five a lot?

Him:  I’m on a plan to re-virginize myself.  I’m trying to focus on this guy, my beloved, that I met…  I gave up all of my online dating accounts.  But still…  it’s mostly futile.  Maybe I’ll focus on studying…

Me:  I’m not sure I understand…

Him: I’m just in a bad mood and I’ve been biting my lips lately.  I have a lot of stress and I think about God a lot.  It’s difficult.

Me:  I could be your friend…  if you would stick around after shows, instead of running off to eat Mc Donalds…

Him:  I love the piano man.  He’s amazing.

Me:  None of us are anything without Frank.  He’s amazing and we all owe him a great deal.

Him:  You’re like Garfield eating pasta on stage.

Me:  You’re beautiful, and I don’t understand you at all sometimes.  Can you talk more about God?

Him:  I went through a period where I was very bad.  Lots of smuggling and lying and cheating.  I’m from I am Chinese citizen but born illegally in Japan~ My grandparents are Japanese war orphans ~ I am Japanese / Mongolian heritage ~ I live in Manchuria and Mongolia 5 years ~ I smuggling a lot ~ and in order to go to some place better ~ I always lying and cheating…

Me:  Hey.  Tell me something right now.  Can I trust you?

Him:  After my lying period is over, yes.  I want to be a different person than that.

Me:  So can I trust you?

Him:  Yes.  You can trust me.

Me: I don’t care what your past was, kiddo.  I like you for what your are now.  Why don’t you come back to the show?  I’ll go out with you afterward.  We can take a walk or grab some food and I’ll encourage you and maybe even hug you if you’re feeling down.  Is that the worst thing?  Can’t we be intimate.  Do you have too many friends?

Him:  cool ~ I try to be like echo ~ though I know it is a myth ~ the guy I met his name is narcissious ~ so intresting ~ Everytime I give up and go online to predict ~ God will encourage me to continue doing something ~ that’s a good idea ~ thanks a lot ~ I ll definitely hug u ~

lol ~

Me:  Or maybe we could have a real relationship.  We could just be friends…  I bet you’re lonely.  I could be a good friend to you.  You seem to have a lot on your mind.

Him:  I bite my lips anyway ~ I cannot do nothing ~ I guess this is God testify my faith on crashing on someone ~I already thought of being your friend ~ that’s why I plan it carefully rather than seeing you too rush ~lol~long time ago I knew you could be a good guy ~and I want to keep you as a friend ~so I just collect data of you through observation:)

Me:  Okay then.  I hope you come back to the show.  Until then – enjoy collecting data….


erwin caluya

Him:  Thanks for coming.

Me:  Sure, why not?  I’m staying in the neighborhood – apartment sitting.

Him:  I have a huge apartment.

Me:  Great.  I’m staying in a pretty nice apartment myself.  High rise, on the waterfront.  Pretty swanky.

erwin caluya

Him:  My apartment is huge, and I have a huge kitchen. It’s pretty much the best apartment I’ve ever seen in Brooklyn.

Me:  That’s great news.  Good for you.

Him:  Yeah, I pretty much have the whole space to myself, even though I have a few roommates.  One of them is constantly out of town and the place is so huge that It’s almost like I live there alone.

Me:  That’s really great.  Congrats.

Him:  Yeah.  It’s pretty awesome.

Me:  Sounds like it.

Him:  Believe me.  It is.

Me:  I don’t disbelieve you.

allison michael orenstein

Him:  Okay.  Well…  Hey.  You’re cuter in person.  You’re way cuter in person.

Me:  Am I?

Him:  Yeah, it’s always a plus when the guy is cuter in person instead of busted.

Me:  Oh.  Thank you.  Thanks so much.  That’s…  nice of you to say?

Him:  Do you like football?

Me:  I don’t really follow it.  I was in the marching band in high school, but admittedly I never learned the rules.

Him:  Basically each team has four tries to move the ball ten yards.

Me:  That seems reasonable.

Him:  It’s harder than it looks.  So you’re a cook?

Me:  I am.  I have a blog.

Him:  Oh, I know.

Me:  Oh?

Him:  Yes.  You inspired me.  I was cooking naked too, until my roommates bought me an apron.   My apron says Will Cook for Sex – isn’t that funny?

eryc perez de tagle

Me:  Er, sure…. how long have you been at this bar?

Him:  Few hours.

Me:  Ah ha…

Him:  I’ve had a few, but I’m not wasted.  Believe me.

Me:  I believe you.

Him:  What part?

Me:  That you’ve had a few.

Him:  Do you want a beer?

Me:  No.  I had a boozy weekend.  I better just behave myself.

Him:  I like to butcher my own meat.

Me:  What?

Him:  I like to butcher my own meat.

Me:  Seriously?

Him:  Yeah.  I go to Chinatown and I buy meats from the stores.  It’s cheaper, for instance, if you buy a whole rabbit and then butcher it yourself.

Me:  Oh man.  That sounds macabre. 

Him:  It’s not.  You just put on some inspiring music and then separate the fur from the flesh, and then the flesh from the bones.  Then you render the fat.  I’m a big fan of cooking things in animal fat.

Me:  Me too.  I made a quiche recently with duck fat.

Him:  I hear that makes a great quiche.

Me:  So you just put on some music, and butcher a rabbit?

Him:  Yeah.  It’s much cheaper if you butcher it yourself.

Me:  I imagine…

Him:  Just pull off the fur in strips.  You can cut some of the fat off too, and render it.

Me:  That sounds pretty intense.  My family comes from farm people, on my mother’s side, but I never had to butcher anything.  I can clean a fish, if I need to – if the knife is sharp enough.

Him:  A sharp knife is important.

Me:  Yeah.  Agreed.

Him:  So.  The Giants pretty much won.  This game is over.  

Me:  Oh.  Congrats!

Him:  I’d kiss you right here, but I’m more of a gentleman than that.

Me:  This being a rowdy straight bar, I’m inclined to thank you.

Him:  Do you want to hail a cab and go to my house?

Me:  No.  I think we’re asymmetrically  drunk from one another.

Him:  You mean, you’re sober and I’ve had lots.

Me:  I might mean that, yes.  But we can walk.  Let’s walk.

(we leave the bar)

Him:  Did I tell you how amazing my apartment is?  Oh!  There’s a cab.  Let’s take a cab ride to my apartment.

Me:  No, I don’t want to do that.  Remember, we said we were going to walk and talk just a bit.

Him: Let’s take a cab ride.

Me: I’m under the weather a little.  Plus you’re wasted and I’m not.  Better to just call it a night I think.

Him:  TAXI!!  Take this cab with me.

Me:  No.  You’re  a great listener, huh?

Him:  My friends say so.

Me:  Your friends are right…  Have a good evening…

Him:  YOU have a good evening.

(he kisses me on the cheek and walks away.  i’m left with an image of him, naked in his apron, skinning a rabbit)


Him:  Why are we doing this?

Me:  Why are we doing what?

Him:  Why am I here?

Me:  Good question.  Why are you here?  Because I make good lunches, maybe?

Him:  Shut up.  No.  I mean, yes, you do, but no.

Me:  I miss you.  You come over because we miss each other.

Him:  (silence)

Me:  How’s everything?

Him:  The same.  I’m working.  Different projects.

Me:  What projects?

Him:  Readings…  Showcases…  That sort of stuff…

Me:  That’s great.  It’s great that you’re busy…

Him:  Thanks.  You’re busy too, huh?

Me:  Yeah.  The show is going well, and it seems to be striking a chord with people.

Him:  I’ll say…

Me:  Oh no.  Right.  Sorry…


Me:  Thanks for coming, anyway…  I know that was hard to watch.

Him:  Heh.  That’s an understatement.

Me:  That’s not really you, or even me, though, up there.  That’s an extrapolation of feelings I had, filtered through characters I created.  It’s true and not true at the same time.  It’s just comedy.

Him:  I’ll decide what I think is funny.

Me:  I didn’t use your name.

Him:  Excuse me?

Me:  I didn’t use your full name.


Me:  It was very big and very brave of you to come see the show.

Him:  I know.  It was hard to watch.  You’re right that it’s not exactly ‘me’ up there, but still…  there was a lot to process.  A lot going on.  A lot of old memories and feelings stirred up by watching that.

Me:  I know.  Thanks for coming to see it…


Me:  Do you still like hugs?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  I still love you.

Him:  I still love you too.

Me:  I wish that…

Him: Shhh….  I don’t think any good can come of that.  Can’t we just hug each other and leave all the re-hashing for another time.

Me:  That sounds lovely.  Can we take our clothes off?

Him:  No.  Nice try though.

Me:  You’re welcome.

Him:  For what?

Me:  Isn’t it flattering that I still try?  After all the shit that went down between us?  I’m still trying to get up on you.

Him:  I wouldn’t say it was flattering, exactly.

Me:  Of course you wouldn’t.  You’re much too contrary to let me be right about an adjective.

Him:  Is flattering an adjective or a gerund?

Me:  Oh. My. God.

Him:  I’m just WONDERING.

(long pause.  we hold each other.  then we cry for a good long while)

Me:  I think you’re a beautiful man.

Him:  Likewise.

Me:  Can you help me with something?

Him:  What?

Me:  My doctor says I’m not having enough sex.  He’s really worried, and he says I need to have sex with pretty boys under 5 ft 8.

Him:  Haha.  Nice try.

(long pause)

Him:  Why don’t you serve lunch instead?

Me:  That’s probably a much better idea, huh?

Him:  Probably.



Here’s a blast from the past.  Like 7 years ago, past.

Please enjoy this funny video written by and starring my friend Brian Fountain.

Directed by Victor Varnado.

Wow…  I can’t believe my hair used to look like that.  Ugh.

Enjoy the Vaganus…