PIEFOLK

Advice

January 15, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hey,

So, I was wondering if you know – how do you know when a guy wants you to stay?

A week ago I went into the city to hang out with this guy. He was really cute and nice, with a sexy Spanish accent. I get to his place and we talk for a while and we seem to be hitting it off. We then move it to the bedroom and do the dirty – and it was fun. Then we take a shower and jump back into bed and watch tv. This is where the awkward part comes – we watch a movie and then another tv show and then he gets hungry and makes a salad and opens a bottle of wine.

You think “this all sounds great,” but the whole time I’m wondering when I should leave. The stupid guy that I am, I don’t leave after the food and stay to watch more tv. By now it’s 12:30 and he’s getting tired and I have no clue if he wants me to stay the night or not. I give him a back rub.

Then he says, “I’m assuming you want to sleep over.”

I respond, “Only if you want me to.” He gets really silent. Then I ask him again and he responds, not really – he has to wake up early. I knew that I had over-stayed my welcome and to make matters worse the area he lived in had no taxis around. Finally he called me a taxi, but I wound up missing my last train home and wound up walking around the freezing cold in Manhattan for 7 hours.

What should I do to avoid this in the future?

Thank you, Jerk

Dear N.,

Thanks for your letter. You sound like maybe you’re new to online hook-ups. There’s a certain amount of etiquette involved, but that etiquette is, unfortunately, different for every person. As a general rule of thumb, if it’s a hook-up and not a date then you should fully expect to leave shortly after the sex happens.

This is not to excuse any amount of poor behavior on the part of your Spanish accented friend. Unfortunately, guys have a way of being super charming with a new conquest right up until the point of orgasm. After the deed is done, however, reality comes crashing back in and you’re left there in your own home with a relative stranger that seems to want to eat all your salad and watch West Wing re-runs until 2 in the morning.

Next time, explain your situation before you go over to the guy’s house. Let him know you live outside the city, and if he wants you to come over he’ll have to let you stay the night. If he says no, then at least you know what you’re dealing with -a guy who wants to bone you and say goodbye shortly afterward.

If I may say so – it does sound like you might be looking for a date, instead of a hook-up. In which case, I think you’d be far better off using websites like OkCupid rather than Craigslist or Grindr. Just a thought.

Be honest about your intentions and you can’t go wrong.

Jerk.

P.S. Next time you’re walking around freezing in Manhattan, go to Penn Station. It’s warm in there and you can pretend you’re waiting for a train to leave.

Rice Queen

January 12, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him: Hey there. What’s up?

Me: Not much. Just hanging out.

Him: That kid you were hitting on was really cute. Was he Chinese? He looked Chinese.

Me: I don’t know. He said he was from New Mexico.

Him: Yeah but where was he really from?

(pause)

Me: I don’t know. I didn’t ask him the story of his epic family saga. Maybe he was born in a refugee camp?

Him: Hot. Now you’re talking. But that would make it more likely he was Vietnamese. He looks Chinese or Korean maybe.

Me: I’m not well versed enough to make the distinction.

Him: Oh? Are you new to Rice?

Me: What??

Him: Are you new to the world of Rice Queens?

Me: Oh man. I don’t know how to answer that. That term is so brutal. I’m not sure I identify with it.

Him: Why? Rice is a staple…

Me: Uh… I don’t know. Seems like there’s a weird stigma attached to some dated racial hierarchy. No offense. I’m sure it was probably different in your generation.

Him: It sure was. The Rice was a lot less uppity.

Me: Hey, old timer – we don’t use the word ‘uppity’ to describe ethnic minorities. I’m pretty sure that’s a bad idea across the board.

Him: Well, it used to be easier. They were less demanding.

Me: That guy went to Yale, and he’s super good looking – I’m sure he has every right to be selective about who picks him up in a gay bar.

Him: Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been a Rice Queen for a long time. I’ve had lots of great relationships with Asian guys. Mutual respect is always key. How long have you been a Rice Queen?

Me: I’m not entirely sure that I am? I’ve had lots of types of boyfriends – Latinos, Jews, White, Asians…

Him: You were really into that Chinese guy.

Me: True. Lately they’ve been turning my head a lot. I dunno… I go through phases. There was a couple years there where I was hot for red heads too.

Him: Have you ever been to Asia?

Me: No.

Him: Oh, you’ve got to go!

Me: Why’s that?

Him: Oh the boys there are just lovely. They’re so sweet and accommodating – they’re not spoiled by Western thinking like the Asian Americans are.

Me: Oh my God, you have to be kidding, right?

Him: What?

Me: Well… I mean, you realize how you sound, right? ‘Spoiled?’

Him: How do I sound?

Me: Kind of racist. No. Totally racist and also imperialist, too.

Him: Oh please. Asia is the most racist place on earth. If you don’t believe me, then ask your next Chinese trick how many Black people he’s slept with. Chinese people are super, super racist.

Me: That doesn’t make it –

Him: BUT – I love them. They all have hard exteriors but inside they’re marshmallows. So sweet – and once they decide they like you, you’re in for good.

Me: Hm. Okay. Just for the sake of hearing your opinion – what do you think about Japanese people?

Him: Uh… they’re a little superior for my tastes. Also, they’re emotional labyrinths. You can never tell what they’re really feeling or thinking.

Me: Koreans?

Him: They drink a lot, and chain smoke. Hey – why do Koreans make good bottoms?

Me: Why?

Him: They’re used to being occupied. Get it? I made that one up.

Me: You’re a horrible old man. (pause) That joke would also work for The Philippines.

Him: Oh yeah! You’re totally right. But I prefer Thai boys the best.

Me: Why’s that?

Him: They have no qualms about sleeping with older men. I mean, you have to give them some money, but we’re talking twenty bucks for the most depraved things you can think of.

Me: All right. Okay.

Him: I have a scrapbook of all the Thai boys I’ve slept with at home. You should come see it sometimes.

Me: Hey, thanks for chatting, racist old man. I was alternately horrified and amused. I think I’m going to make better use of my time, and hit on that guy over there.

Him: He looks Vietnamese.

Me: If you say so.

Him: They taste like cilantro, sometimes.

Me: I… What? Okay I’m leaving. Have a good night.

Jerk.

Advice

January 8, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by ryosuke kumakura

Dear Michael,

I’ve been trying expand my horizons as some might say, and have gone on dates with a few guys I’ve met (relatively new for me); however, this hasn’t been working out very well. I went on a few dates with a guy that I really like (very handsome and refreshingly articulate) and I would say they went well; he seemed more than happy too. After our last one, we couldn’t help but fool around – which was overly enjoyable to say the least. After this though, our communication kinda just stopped.

We both were visiting our home town for the holidays (Neither of us live there anymore – semi long distance type of thing) and he just left without saying anything and I haven’t heard from him since. Being the type of person that doesn’t like to serial text, I sent him a message and he never responded; thus, I am assuming that he is not going to – being that it has been a week and we used to chat all the time.

My fear is that people just use me because of my face in order to get what they want and then toss me aside. This leads me to the point of advice. How do I know if a guy’s intention is to simply get into my pants and ditch, or if someone actually wants to go on dates with the intention of dating? And, if you have any idea, what should I make of the above situation?

Thanks,

Duke

The attached pic is me – sorry I don’t have any fun baking pics 😉

Hey Duke,

Thanks for writing in. I’m sorry to hear that you recently experienced disappointment in the dating world. Dating it tough, and being able to process and manage a certain level of disappointment will help you in the process. It sounds like you’re already on the right track – if you’re looking for a guy to date for a while, rather than just fool around with a few times. Making him wait until the second or third date is a good strategy. As far as being able to tell whether the guy is just looking to date or just fool around, that’s difficult – most of the time people don’t quite know what they’re looking for, even as they’re out and about in the dating world.

My main piece of advice to you is this: even as you’re looking for a suitable long term partner, try not to be goal-oriented when you’re dating. Just see each date as a chance to get to know the other person and have fun. Try not to read too much into an experience, even if you do wind up fooling around with your date. People don’t respond well when they can palpably feel your expectations.

Why not consider yourself the commodity? Be friendly, and have fun, but ultimately make the other person prove to you why they deserve your time. Always value your own self and what you want most of all.

I’m not exactly sure what it means when you say that people just want to use you because of your face, but as far as faces go, it’s a pretty cute one. Don’t be surprised if people want to use it for kissing, or other more aggressive activity.

drawing by naruki kukita

Duke, you’re young and attractive. Keep your chin up and have a good time. If you look like you’re having a good time that breeds an attractive energy. I’m sure there’s plenty more crushes, dates, and foolings-around in your future.

Thanks again for writing in – Jerk.

FriDATE: I’ve Done That

January 6, 2012January 6, 2012 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by ryosuke kumakura

Him: Nice coat.

Me: Thanks. It’s my heavy winter coat.

Him: Is it warm?

Me: Yeah, it’s my heaviest one.

Him: Looks like it would be warm.

Me: It is. It’s a warm coat.

Him: Looks like it.

Me: Yeah. It’s warm. (pause) How long have you been here? Long time?

Him: Nope, only a little bit. Five minutes.

Me: That’s not too long.

Him: Not at all. So…

drawings by naruki kukita

Me: So…

Him: So tell me what you do.

Me: Well you know about the website.

Him: Obviously. I used to have a website. I used to run a very well attended blog.

Me: Oh?

Him: Yeah, I kept a sex blog when I was 15, and it became a bit of a thing.

Me: What? I can imagine!

Him: Especially because I was sleeping with older people, so it was illegal too. I got a lot of heat for it.

Me: I can imagine. Wow. That’s crazy. What happened?

Him: I took it down.

Me: Why’s that?

Him: I kind of outgrew it.

Me: I can see that.

Him: Plus, I was applying to schools and I Googled myself and my sex blog came up immediately. I had like 5000 hits a day.

Me: Wow. Not too shabby for a 15 year old. Good job.

Him: So what else? What do you do?

Me: I teach.

Him: Oh me too! I used to teach literacy to remedial students.

Me: Wow. That’s noble.

Him: It was a student job. I outgrew it.

Me: Oh, okay. I teach improv to adults.

Him: Do you do improv?

Me: I do, yes.

Him: I’ve done that. I was in an improv class once.

Me: Did you study here in the city?

Him: No, there was a class offered at my university.

Me: Oh, okay, cool. Did you like it?

Him: Not really. I thought it was dumb. Sorry…

Me: It’s not for everyone.

Him: I was good at it.

Me: I’m sure. You seem like you would be.

Him: What type of improv do you teach?

Me: Musical improv. How to improvise musicals.

Him: Oh my God, I used to do musicals.

Me: Surprise!

Him: In college I did a slew of them. Well, three. But then I outgrew musicals too, I guess.

Me: How so?

Him: They started seeming frivolous or dumb, somehow. Then I stopped doing them. My teachers were super upset about it.

Me: Think of the talent you denied the world!

Him: By the way I like your shirt. Where did you get it?

Me: In Hamburg. I went with my brother once.

Him: Oh my God, I went to Hamburg with my cousin!

Me: No kidding?

Him: How long were you there?

Me: 15 days. I liked it a lot.

Him: We stayed for three weeks. It was pretty boring.

Me: It’s not for everyone.

Him: (burps) Whoops! Sorry. I had bodega Chinese food before I came here.

Me: Oh my God, I’ve done that!

Him: What? Burped on a first date?

Me: No, eaten Chinese food. It was a long time ago, when I was in the Peace Corps in Romania.

(long pause. we lock eyes)

Me: I’ve been to 33 states.

Him: 37.

Me: I can do a cartwheel.

Him: Handspring.

Me: Double jointed.

Him: Trained contortionist.

Me: I have six fingers on my left hand.

Him: I was born with a vestigial twin face growing from my abdomen.

(pause)

Him: Do you want to go make out?

Me: Obviously. Let me get coat on.

Him: That’s a very warm looking coat.

Me: It’s very warm.

Him: Looks like it.

Me: It is. It’s a warm coat. It’s very warm. My coat is warm.

Dear Michael –

December 30, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by adam gardiner for the vice magazine salon party

Dear Michael,

I’m writing to invite you to a retreat I’m throwing at my house upstate. I’ve done this before with various levels of success. Basically I’m looking for a nice group of good looking men to join me for a fun weekend at my cabin in the Adirondacks. I will provide all of the food, and liquor. I also will provide the lodging, rent free. I’m a great cook and I plan on making a feast every night. Maybe you can even give me tips on my pies?

The only thing that I ask of my guests is that they spend a small amount of time each day kicking me in the nuts, or otherwise torturing my penis and testicles. Ever since I was very young I’ve been extremely turned on by being kicked or hit in the nuts. You can also feel free to step on my penis, or devise some other sort of way to humiliate or torture my junk.

A little about me: I’m 6ft and weigh about 260lbs. I’m a scruffy type, moderately hairy with a beard. I guess I qualify as a ‘Bear’ type, you could say. Bottom. I have a leather sling installed in my cabin and a number of ‘toys’ to play with, including butt plugs, dildos, and hand cuffs. You can feel free to use any of those toys on me, and I’m receptive to a variety of other types of sexual practices too.

I’m not selfish! I want to make sure you have a good time too.

Guests are of course free to sleep with each other as well, provided they spend the requisite time each day kicking me in the nuts. My cabin is central to lots of activities, including hiking and snow skiing. So bring your skis if you’re a snow bunny!

Please let me know if you’re interested and/or available to attend. Right now it’s looking like our next excursion is going to be the last weekend of January. I know – cold! But don’t worry, there’s a fireplace to keep us warm.

Happy Holidays!

Dear R,

Thanks for writing in, and your generous offer. I’m unfortunately unavailable for this sort of retreat. Kicking you in the nuts for an hour a day is simply not my thing. While I think people getting kicked in the nuts is super funny, I’m not sure I could take it seriously sexually. The last thing you want at this retreat is me making wise-cracks or outright laughing as people fulfill your sexual desires.

Come to think of it, kicks in the nuts are only funny once in a while. Watching you get repeatedly assaulted in your junk might actually make me feel emotionally empathetic, or even squeamish. In any case, I’m relatively confident that I’m unable to sexualize the experience. Sorry!

Thanks for writing in, and happy holidays!

Jerk.

I Have Dreams

December 27, 2011December 27, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

baking photos by kristen yoonsoo kim

Him: Hey. Nice to meet you. I’m Y.

Me: Nice to meet you too, Y, I’m Michael.

Him: It’s so funny. I was just thinking about you, the other day.

Me: Oh, is that so? Why?

Him: This is so weird. I’ve just met you, but I feel a sort of connection between us. Something cosmic, maybe.

Me: Haha… please sit down. Take your coat off. Would you like a drink? I think I have some Xmas whiskey around here somewhere…

Him: Of course. I’ll have some whiskey.

Me: What would you like me to mix it with? I have ice, and ice.

Him: What?

Me: It’s a joke. I don’t have any mixers.

Him: Ice will be fine.

Me: So, cosmic connection?

Him: Well, you said hi to me on Grindr…

Me: That’s true…

(sometimes i think cylons have invaded my grinder app)

Him: Which led me to your blog, which I spent the last three days reading.

Me: You what?

Him: I read the whole thing.

Me: Congrats, I haven’t even read the whole thing…

Him: Is that so?

Me: No. I’ve read it a few times…

(pause)

Me: What?? I’m self absorbed! Keep going…

Him: Anyway I was at a soba restaurant the other day, and I kept hearing them call out a name to someone in the kitchen. They kept yelling Kazu!

Me: Aw. My little brother, Kazu. I love that kid.

Him: Exactly. He looked so familiar, and I thought the coincidence was too strong, and I had to try to meet you.

Me: Well I hope you’re not too disappointed.

Him: No, not at all. When I hugged you hello, I noticed you have a nice smell.

Me: I… uh, what? I mean, thank you. Thank you. That’s very sweet of you to say. You’re a very cute boy yourself.

Him: I’m 32.

Me: I know, but you know what I mean. Can I sniff you?

Him: Sniff?

Me: You know, now that we’re keeping tabs.

Him: Okay.

(pause – I smell him.)

Me: You smell nice too.

Him: Thank you.

Me: Well I’m glad that’s out of the way. So you were talking about connections?

Him: Yeah. I do this thing. I have dreams sometimes. Sometimes they come true. Well, no, not exactly, but it’s something similar. Do you have time? Can I tell a story?

Me: Sure.

Him: A while back I had a dream. I dreamed about my 4th grade teacher. I hadn’t thought about him in a long time, but he was one of my better teachers and he was well liked by the class… Anyway, that’s pretty weird to just dream about your old teacher like that.

(grindr, that’s not what umbrellas are for…)

Anyway, in my dream he was dead. Everyone was sad that he was dead. Lots of students had gathered to celebrate him and commemorate his death. Well, I didn’t think much about the dream until a few months later when my grandfather in Tokyo had a stroke. I was supposed to go back and see him, but I had this feeling that everything with my grandfather would be all right. In any case, I wound up taking a flight back to Tokyo.

Me: Bye, bye – 1500 dollars.

Him: Right? And here’s the weird thing: my grandfather wound up being fine. BUT. While we were visiting him in the hospital, I found, just by chance that my 4th grade teacher was there, dying of cancer.

Me: Are you serious??

Him: Yes. I happened to walk by his room and notice his name on the door.

Me: That’s amazing.

Him: Yes, and I contacted a number of our classmates that I could find on Facebook, and we all went to visit him, and thank him for teaching us, and affecting our lives. And then he died, shortly after.

Me: Is that true?

Him: Absolutely.

Me: That’s a beautiful story. Hey…

Him: What?

Me: Thank you for telling me that. I’m glad you felt a connection with me. I’m glad that you’re here. And, know what?

Him: What?

Me: I think it was a very kind thing you did, organizing your classmates together to visit your teacher. I think that’s impressive.

Him: Oh… I just wanted him to see how much further down the line he had affected the world. I wanted him to know that he taught us well, and that we went out in the world and did well. It was important to me.

Me: Well thank you for telling me about that. I think that’s inspiring, somehow.

Him: Thank you.

(long pause)

Him: Can I smell you again?

(long pause)

Me: Yes, of course you can.

Advice

December 24, 2011December 25, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hi Michael,

I’m from Sydney, Australia where we all walk on our hands and ride to work in kangaroo pouches. And have gay sex. Lots of gay sex.

I’ve never asked for advice before from a baker/actor/singer (you are a unique triple threat) but, you seem to go on plenty of dates, so here goes. I’m not very good at that moment when we’ve met once or twice and the other person is into meeting again but I’m not. I have this kind of people pleasing mentality where I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings by rejecting them. I seriously had a relationship for seven years with someone who I wasn’t totally into for this reason.

Basically these are good people, don’t get me wrong but there’s something about them that might be just slightly off. Like they turn up on a date with an umbrella with a handle shaped like a samurai sword and tell stories that are biographically inconsistent. Or you go to their place and they have industrial quantities of Jack Daniels and three years worth of unemptied ashtrays. Or maybe there’s just a bit of a creepy vibe for some reason you can’t put your finger on.

I get the sense that people get a bit damaged by life and I don’t want to contribute to that. But equally I don’t want to end up gay married to some person I’m not into just because I can’t say no to people.

Anyway, I’d be interested in your advice. How do you deal with this situation? Do you just tell it like it is and let the other person deal or do you have some strategy for softening the rejection?

Cheers,

Carl.

Carl,

Thanks for writing in.

It’s funny, I found your letter increasingly disturbing, the longer I mulled it over in my head. At first it just seemed like, aw, this guy is too nice for his own good – maybe he needs me to tell him to man up and say ‘no’ more often. But the more I thought about your problem, them more alarmed I got.

Carl, don’t you think it’s alarming, what you’ve said? On the surface it might just seem like you’re a nice guy, staying with someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. But, what does it say about your own sense of self worth? To me it says that you don’t value your own happiness enough to put your needs first.

Isn’t your life important enough for you to insist on being with someone who fulfills you?

You have to get better at saying no. You have to. Statistically speaking most of the dates you go on will not lead to a relationship, so you have got to get more picky, my friend. You don’t want to wind up the husband of someone who buys samurai sword umbrellas and doesn’t empty ash trays.

Listen, Carl. You get one life. One. Live it for yourself. Make yourself happy. In order to do that, you have to learn how to say no when you’re not into someone. Don’t settle for less than the life you deserve. If the guy you’re on a date with doesn’t inspire you, or make you feel weak in the knees, or have an awesome comic book collection, then you have to kick him to the curb. This can be done bluntly, or more gently, but you have to get the job done, kiddo.

You’re worth it. You are.

Thanks for writing in.

Jerk.

TuesDATE: Pumpkin

December 20, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him: Wheeeee… Helloooooo. I just chugged two glasses of wine.

Me: Why would you….

Him: It’s okay. I only txted three people my butt pics!! You can have them too! I’ll txt them to you.

(pause)

Me: Yes, please. Here’s my number.

Him: Hm. Okay. I’d jump your bones, so yeah, I’ll send you my butt pic.

Me: Why not? You’re super cute and I’d love to see, even though I’m much too old for you.

(pause. he txts me photos of his ass.)

Me: Wow. You have a beautiful body.

Him: Um. I’m not perfect. I mean, I’m not proportional. The right side of my face is larger than the left, for instance…

And I have an overbite. So…

Me: Unpardonable. Even so, you’re a real looker.

Him: Eh, my ass is no good either. Not square enough. They should be square or round but mine’s triangular. That’s not-

Me: And don’t say that about your face. Your face is the best part. Adorable. You’re a pumpkin.

Him: What’s pumpkin? Is that good?

Me: Pumpkin is great. It’s the best. You can’t be better than a pumpkin.

Him: Okay I guess. What’s a pumpkin?

Me: Just someone really cute.

Him: I read your blog and I think you’re weird, and cute, and I like you a little.

Me: Shit. Thank you.

Him: What constitutes a ‘pumpkin,’ though?

Me: It’s just someone that is cute, and maybe awkward in public, that looks like they would smell good. Like gingersnaps, maybe. Like someone who smells like gingersnaps all the time. See? You’re right, I am weird. I just told you you look like you smell like gingersnaps.

Him: I happen to smell myself all the time. When I’m super dirty I smell like chocolate…

Me: You whatlikewhat?

Him: Chocolate. I like pulling my shirt up to my nose and holding it there.

Me: I’ve done that. I had smelly hands this morning.

Him: What happened?

Me: I was at my local coffee house with someone I’ve been… seeing, and I realized my hands smelled.

Him: Like what?

Me: Like yesterday.

Him: Oh.

Me: Or last night.

Him: Got it. Sometimes the smell lingers on me afterward. No matter how much I wash… hahahahahahah……

Me: All right. Moving on…

Him: Hahaha…

(one of my readers was inspired to make some cookies)

Me: So are you really flirting with me? I think you’re very cute.

Him: Yeah, but I’m a virgin. I’ve never been poked before.

Me: Oh my.

Him: Okay here’s why: I’ve made out with a bunch of people but none of them got to stick it in, because I wasn’t dating them. It wouldn’t have meant much. I feel like if you actually get to fuck me then you get all of me, and since there was no romance involved I didn’t want to give it that much.

Me: I see what you’re saying. There have been times in my life where I assigned more and less significance to what sex means. I respect that. Sounds like I should stop hitting on you though, since you might be in a more ‘boyfriend-y’ head space than I’m looking for.

Him: Well it’s too bad that none of you guys who hit on me want to date. I’d be a terrific bottom. I am a martial artist and I can do perfect splits. And my hips are very flexible.

Me: Look, you’re making it really difficult not to hit on you. I’ll make you a deal, I’ll knock off the flirting if you don’t mention the splits again, and stop being SUCH A PUMPKIN.

Him: I don’t know… Maybe I should just do it with you, to get it over with? And then if my heart gets wound up in it and I become a crazy stalker, deal with it then?

Me: No! That sounds disastrous! Let’s be friends for a long time and respect one another. We’ll help each other through the bad times and celebrate each other when we succeed. Deal? Also, I can chew on your butt cheeks for half an hour, no biggie…

Him: Hahaha!

Me: That was not my fault. You were still being a pumpkin!

(another reader sent a failed attempt at a gingerbread house)