Month: February 2011

SaturDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Sometimes people ask me on dates.  They see me on the internet and they think that I’m the answer to their life problems, or loneliness.  Or maybe they think I am cute.  Invariably, I prove them wrong…

Him:  Hi.  Thank you for meeting with me.

Me:  Hi.  You’re really attractive.  So cute in your pics online, and in person.

Him:  Haha.  Nice compliment. But you are comedy.  Your job is to be charming.

Me: That’s right. I’m a comic.   My job’s a little more complicated, but yes, it helps to be charming.

Him: I prefer behind the camera instead.

Me:  Yes.  You said you were a photographer.  How do you like that?

(silence – as if I hadn’t asked a direct question that required a response)

Me: In any case.  You’re really cute.  I mean it.  You have great eyes.  Hazel.  I’ve never seen an Asian guy with such vibrant Hazel eyes.

Him:  You such a charmer!  They are just contacts, silly.

Me:  Well, you have great eyes.

Him: You have good eyes.  I didn’t know they were blue from online.

Me:  They’re grey.  They change color depending on what I wear.  I’m wearing a blue sweater, is why they’re so blue.

Him:  Haha.  I’m not fooled so easily.

Me:  What?

Him:  Your eyes are clearly blue, not grey.

(pause)

Me:  Well that’s the point.  They change…  Yeah.  You’re right.  They’re blue…   Do you want some coffee?

Him: No.  I don’t drink coffee.

Me: Tea?

Him:  No.  No tea.

Me: You asked me to coffee.

Him:  You like coffee don’t you?  Order coffee.

Me:  You want anything?  Water?

Him:  I don’t need your money.

Me:  I wish the reverse were true.

Him:  What?

Me: It’s just a joke.  I was making fun of myself for being poor.

Him:  I’m sure you can afford a cup of coffee.

Me:  You’re right.  I can.

(surprise ending:  this date did not end in a makeout session)

Enjoy the SaturDATE, Jerks!

De Robertis – Pasticceria & Cafe

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Dramatic shot, right?

That’s Kris Thor.

He’s a friend of mine.  We met years ago – he’s a very talented young theater director.

He went to Columbia and studied under Anne Bogart.  We did a couple of shows together.  He’s a nice guy – very passionate about his work.  He has a good eye for theater.

 

I dropped in on his recent set of plays at P.S.122 last Saturday.

He’s been rehearsing and performing three different shows, in repertory with playwright Ashlin Halfnight.

I know.  Sounds like a D&D character, right?

Ashlin Halfnight – Sorcerer, +2 charisma when wearing Cloak of Charm.

He is charming, too!

I was two hours early for Ashin’s funny, sardonic, theatrical deconstruction of Hamlet.  The show, Latham Prince, was set to start at 9pm, not 7pm, when I arrived.  They were performing another of Ashlin’s plays at 7.  And it was sold out, ladies.

I had to come back at nine.

 

This gave me time to check out De Robertis Pasticceria & Cafe.

It was just a few blocks from the theater.  I usually love joints like this – these old school bakeries don’t play at that hyper sanitized, fresh, self-conscious game that most nouveau Manhattan bakeries play.  They’re old school.  They make dense pastries that have so much fat and cream inside them that you don’t have to throw them out after two days.

These places usually have lots and lots of pastries.  This place sure did.  It’s a different expectation, coming into an old school Italian bakery.   They bake a bunch of things, and keep the display cases stuffed to the brim of pastries that they couldn’t possibly sell.  It’s my feeling the family owns the building, and has owned it for many, many years.  The bakery itself has existed there for 107 years.

 

The waiter smirked when I asked after the freshness of the blueberries in the Blueberry Tart.  ‘Oh, no.’ He said, ‘they’re from a can.’

No thanks, I said.  I’ll have the Strawberry Tart.

He came back a few minutes later with my tea.  He explained that they were out of strawberry tarts so he gave me three mini tarts instead.  I was happy with this compromise.

The tarts were good.  The custard was rich and creamy and i didn’t mind that it seemed a little…  old.  It wasn’t rancid, or stale – it just had a tiny skin on it. The flavor was spot on.

It was the clientele that really made this restaurant.  Old school New Yorker types in sweatpants.

 

Chris and Ashlin put on a great show.  They cast adept, charming actors who had a good amount of chemistry with one another.

The script moved at a good pace,  and walked a nice tightrope between absurdly funny and darkly disturbing.  Kris’s signature design move – one large, sumptuous  set piece amid an otherwise bare, rough- hewn environment – paid big dividends.

The space was smartly used, in a seamless way that aided the storytelling.

I got to sit next to the handsome and charismatic Mikey Barringer, too.  That was a real bonus.  That guys oozes charm, ladies.

 

All in all, I was pretty happy with my evening.

So, you know.  I don’t have much to say.  Except…

Enjoy the downtown theater, Jerks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Photograph

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

So, this happened…  at some point…

No, I’m not going to tell you what happened afterward.

No, I’m not telling you who he is.

No, You can’t come over and photograph us baking together.

Unless you’re cute.

Send me pics of yourself, or pies you’ve made to piefolk@gmail.com

And, enjoy the warmer weather, Jerks!

Chocolate Banana Cream ETC.

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

I think it’s getting there.  I made another banana cream pie the other day.  It was delicious.  I’m getting better at this one.

I made it for my friend Chris – who is not really a good friend, considering that he never came over to get it.  He offered to help me with the HTML code for PIEFOLK.  I made the pie for him, as a thank you.  He stood me up.  And as of yet, he hasn’t explained why.  Weird guy.

I’m tired of friends acting weird.

Maybe it’s February talking.  Then very dead of winter.  People start acting…  strange.  Affection starved, but in a sluggish, lethargic way.

It’s not so much that the late winter brings out ugly behavior, but that layer of New York-y inconsiderateness might be a little denser this time of year.

Keep in mind – I’m just complaining – and  I don’t really even have too too much to complain about.  There are people around me that really care for me, and I’m grateful.  I also have the respect of some very talented, very brilliant colleagues in the comedy world.  I’m lucky.  But I’m tired of people acting weird, in that February sort of way.

Yes.  I get the irony.

I’m a grown-ass man who hangs out with  neighborhood gays, baking, scantily clad, at all hours of the night.  So where do I get off calling anything weird?  I get off right here.  It’s my damn blog, after all.

Here’s a list of weird stuff that bugs me:

*Social awkwardness (of the non-charming variety)

*Not returning (or at least acknowledging) compliments

*Farmville

*Trying to impress me by being mean to a retail employee

*Trying to use backhanded compliments confuse me when you flirt ( that only works on people with low self esteem, dummy).

*Those gauge ear-rings that stretch your ears out, Africa style.

*Unkindness

*Information hoarding

*Deep eye-contact that feels nice until you break it and say ‘WHAT?’ in a tone of voice that sounds like an indictment.

*People that get a macho kick out of being a ‘top only.’

*Olde Timey handlebar mustaches.

*People that put up walls with their sense of humor (except for me and my hilarous friends)

*A&E’s Intervention

Anyway.  Knock it off, Winter.  Stop making everyone (myself included)  act so weird.  I mean, except for the weirdness we exhibit normally, on a summer’s day, after a nice picnic in the park, where me and my weird date wear gay looking speedos, and sing songs with our ukuleles.  After eating blueberry pie, and catcalling a nearby soccer practice.  I want that kind of weird back.

I want to feel warm, and languid and odd.  Like a Rufus Wainwright song recorded in a sauna.

I guess that feeling’s not so far off.

I’ll power through.

Please do the same.

Oh.

And.

Enjoy the pie, Jerks.

TuesDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Sometimes people ask me on dates.  They see me on the internet and they think that I’m the answer to their life problems, or loneliness.  Or maybe they think I am cute.  Invariably, I prove them wrong.

Him: Wanna get some food?

Me:  Sure.  There’s lots of restaurants around here.  What are you in the mood for?

Him:  I don’t care.  You pick.

Me:  Hm…  there’s high end Mexican up the street at Mesa Coyoacan .

Him:  You should know better than to ask someone for Mexican food on a gay date.

Me:  Why?  Oh.  EW.

Him:  But yeah, I don’t care…

Me:  There’s a seafood restaurant called Sel De Mer….

Him: Ew.  NO.  I never trust them to have fresh ingredients.  Gross.

Me:  That’s kind of their thing.  The menu is mostly specials that they bought at the fish market that day.

Him:  I’m not sure if I trust that.  Try again.

Me:  There’s a French place called Fanny.  It’s cash only.

Him:  I never carry cash. (gives me a knowing glance, as if I’m supposed to know what that means)

Me:  Well, I would buy dinner, but I am poor.

Him:  All that pie.

Me: Huh?

Him:  You’re spending too much money on pie.  Not enough on your living expenses.

Me:  Hold up… Financial advice??  That’s SECOND date material, Mister.

Him: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I don’t get it.

Me:  There’s an Asian fusion place up the street called Sakura.

Him:  Yeah.  I’ve read  your blog.  We get it.  You like ‘Asian food‘.  (long pause where I don’t laugh)

Me:  I’m not that hungry, actually.

Him:  Wanna make out?

Me:  No.

Enjoy the TuesDATE, Jerks!

photo by Erwin Caluya

Cupid Arrives

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

What’s wrong with you?

Put your tongue back in your mouth.  That’s just Robbie Fowler.

Hm?  What?  He’s gorgeous?

I’ll let him know you said so.  Now focus:

So, first of all – congrats are in order.  Robbie’s boyfriend James proposed to him.   They’re getting married!

But, they’re getting married in New York, since that’s where they solidified their love.  Which means they’re waiting for it to be legal.  But they’re engaged!

They will be married, some day.  Soon as you kind straight folk start voting the right way.

Listen up:

Robbie is a popular New York actor.  He does theater and television.  Which is not to say you shouldn’t cast him in your movie.  You totally should.  He photographs well.

Robbie wanted to make a red berry pie, for Valentine’s day.  He brought over raspberries, strawberries and blackberries.   Good call, Fowler!  It made a kick ass pie.  We didn’t put very much sugar in it, because we wanted it to taste sharp and tart.  We spiked the crust with a little powdered ginger.

I sat down with Fowler to chat while the pie was baking:

PF: What do you do for a living?

RF:  I act…  swiffer my apartment…  take care of my puppy….

I’m an uncle…  for a living…

PF: How’s being engaged?

RF: We both have rings and we walk around a little taller, I guess? We would like to get married in our home state, so we’ll wait…  It affects me a lot.

PF:  How did you learn how to bake pie?

RF:  I learned from my grandmother.  Ernestine Nowlan.  My mother’s mother.  She was hilarious.  Taught me how to make a pie crust.  She was an actress when she was younger and she played Polly Darton in a Kansas musical review.  She was 75 or 76 when I was born.  They would take me to get haircuts – my grandparents.  And to theater camp.

PF:  Can you talk about the pie you selected?

RF:  Sweet, messy, juicy – just like Valentine’s Day.

PF:  Tell me an odd story about auditioning?

RF:  I went in for a show, right after moving here.  The audition was run by a reputable company – I sang my face off – belted those high B (flats).  The choreographer was yelling sass at us the whole time.  I went home, felt good about it, logged onto the Facebook, and I get a message from the director.

He found me, but my info is not at all on my resume.  He didn’t care to talk about my audition at all – he was just like ‘oh, what were those tattoos?’

Finally I had to ask – hey, did I make the cast of the show?

PF:  DID you?

RF: Oh.  Yeah, I did.  It was a lot of fun.

PF:  Do you have any advice for other young actors?

RF:  Take it as it comes.  If you need to take a break, do it.  Take care of yourself before you take care of your career.  You have to stay sane.  If you need to take a pottery class take a fucking pottery class.  Bake a pie.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.   Thanks, Fowler.

Guys, I hope you’re happy this Valentines day.  Whether you’re together or alone, I hope you’re having fun.

I love you.  Jerks.

SaturDATE!!!

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Sometimes I meet people online.

Sometimes they like me enough to ask me out on dates.  They think I’m the answer to their problems and lonliness, a lot of the time.  I have a tendency, inadvertently, to prove them wrong:

Him:  You are dressed really sharply!  I can tell you’re successful just from how your dressed.

Me:  Ha.  Actually, I’m very poor.  I just take good care of my clothes and have a credit card.

Him: Oh, man. It must really suck to be poor, emotionally.

Me:  You don’t have time to worry about that, when you’re poor.

Him:  What do you mean?

Me: You’re too busy doing laundry and dishes all the time to pity yourself.  Plus you lose weight from being hungry.  It’s great for your self esteem, actually.

Him:  It’s getting late…

Enjoy the SATUR-DATE, Jerks!

Johnny T

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Johnny T came over.  He’d seen my chalkboard walls and he wanted to draw on them.  He’s a good artist!

Jonny T is an architecture student here in New York City.  Enjoy the drawing, jerks!

Kazu’s Birthday

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Kazu turned 25!

He blackmailed me on Facebook.  He shamed me into making a pie for him.  Plus, he re-posted my Barack Obama video a few times, so I kind of owe him.  Plus, he’s kind of like my adopted Japanese little brother.  I look out for him.

No I don’t.

But I would.  I feed him sometimes.  He likes my food.

We got a little playful this time around. Kazu has a delightfully free spirit, and it’s contagious. We got a little carried away.

I’ve never done a chocolate banana cream pie before.  That makes me a dummy,  because as you can imagine, it’s amazing.

Just trust me.  I know this picture looks like a dump you might take after a barbecue where you had too much Keystone, pulled pork, and Mexican corn on the cob.  But just trust me.  This pie is, well…  the shit.

I sliced the bananas really thin.  I wanted the layers of hand made chocolate custard and bananas to get sort of confused with each other.  Like the stagehands must feel – every night – at  Spider Man Turn Off the Dark. Don’t click that link.

I told you not to.  It’s a horrible website. 65.  Million.  Dollars.  Folks.

Uhhhh…

Well like I said, things got carried away.

Yes.  I know what this looks like:   An Easter chocolate version of Bunnicula bit me on the face.

Yes.  I know what it also looks like:  I was changing a particularly messy diaper and didn’t notice the shit on my face yet.

It was around this time of the evening I decided that this blog entry was going to be full of shit jokes.  What?  Oh, you’re sweet.  You’re welcome for all the shit jokes.  It’s no less than you deserve.

Sidebar: They’ve just gotten L.A.’D

L.A.’D.  L.A.’D…  L – A -I – D  They’ve just gotten laid!

AH – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HA….

HA.  Ah, heh…  ha.   ha.

Asshole.

Back to the pie!

I’m not going to tell you the recipe for this one.  I haven’t perfected it yet.  Plus, part of the fun of learning how to cook is doing your own research.

But here’s HOW I made it.

I baked the crust, duh.  then i let the crust cool.  Then i made some custard.  Just regular vanilla custard.  Except that, during the milk simmering phase of the custard I melted chocolate into the milk during the two minutes you’re supposed to simmer it.  Don’t ask me how much.  I don’t know.

For me, the crust is always very precisely measured, but the fillings I FREQUENTLY eyeball.  I’m a renegade like that.

At heart, I’m probably more of a cook than a baker.

Kazu and i  took some of our clothes off while we were baking and had fun with the camera. It was all very innocent.  Except when it wasn’t.

Yes.  Then we made out afterward.  Do i have to draw you a picture?

Enjoy the voyeurism, jerks.