Me: Yeah. And the definition of a nice Thanksgiving is one where I don’t show up and ruin things. So yeah, I didn’t speak to you after that, because you proved to me that you don’t care about me anymore. I decided right then that I wasn’t going to reach out to you again, until you reached out first. Ha. I guess you called my bluff! Cause a year has gone by and you didn’t even know I was hurting over it. But it doesn’t matter anymore because the ficus is dead. It’s dead and it’s not ever, ever coming back and you don’t get to know about that!
Me: You run away from everything.
Him: You. Left. Me.
Me: You left me a long time before that for your drunk ass writer friends.
Him: You wanted me to be a writer!
Me: NOW YOU ARE ONE. Are you happy?
Him: Yes, Michael. I am. I’m very happy, actually. I love my house, and I love my car and I love my boyfriend. And you’re passive aggressive, but I love you too. I just can’t be around you all the time anymore, or maybe even at all. AND I DON’T OWE IT TO YOU TO EXPLAIN WHY.
Me: That’s fine! But I don’t owe it to you to tell you when the ficus dies.
Him: That was a metaphor for us!
Me: It still IS. Our relationship, and I mean our friendship – died. It died in the past year as you turned your back on me and slowly cut me out of our circle of friends. Have you ever seen August Osage County?
Him: No. Why?
Me: Tracy Letts writes a line for one of the characters, about how people are always complaining that America is dying, but the truth of the matter is that America died a long time ago, while Americans were focused on other things. Curling irons. New Cars. Televisions. I’m paraphrasing.
Me: So that’s us. We’re the ficus. It’s dead, and you didn’t even know it was dying. And because of that you don’t get to deserve to know.
Him: Do you see how passive aggressive you are?
Me: You don’t know the half of it. Talk about passive aggressive – you’re imaginary!
Me: I’m making you up. I’m not really saying this to you. This is just what I wish I could say to you. You’re a fantasy Carson.
Him: GOD YOU’RE SO…
Me: Passive aggressive? Maybe you’re right, but at least I’m real, and you’re not, so haha. Anyway, you got all our friends in the breakup so you can console yourself with that.
Him: Hm. Well. In that case…
Him: Since I’m a fantasy Carson, I can’t get a hangover. Should we have another beer. Talk this out some more?
Me: I go in circles with this, but I always wind up forgiving you.
Him: Aw you’re sweet. Do you forgive yourself?
Me: I’m starting to. It’s hard. That’s the hardest thing.
Him: Oh, shit, sweetie – I just realized.
Him: Jason’s coming back with cigarettes.
Me: No he isn’t. This is my fantasy and he doesn’t exist.
Him: Oh no! I love him though. Plus I really wanted a cigarette.
Me: You mean like the cigarette you have in your hand right now?
Him: Oh wow. You can do that?
Me: It’s my fantasy.
Him: That’s neat. But why not just make a version of me that doesn’t crave cigarettes?
Me: Because I like your flaws sometimes.
Me: Because I love you. What are you drinking?
Me: I’ll go to the bar and get two Stellas then.
Him: I’ll be here when you get back.
Me: No, you won’t.
Him: What? Why?
Me: Because it’s my fantasy. And because the ficus is dead.