Tag: michael martin

I’m Dating Everyone

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Little known fact: I’m dating everyone.

It’s true.  It’s evolved into my motto for 2011.

I’m dating everyone.

I was in long term relationships for pretty much all of the aughts, and I’m taking a breather this year.  I’m feeling emotionally worn out, to be honest, and I’d like to focus on my work.

Is that okay with you?  More in a second.  I’m going to talk about chocolate for a second, and then juxtapose it with a poop joke.

Chocolate covered pretzels are super easy.

Just temper a buncha chocolate.  That means add heat to it, in a double boiler.   Use a double boiler so you don’t scorch the chocolate.

If you don’t have a double boiler you can make one with a metal bowl and a pot of water.

Figure it out.  I’ll wait here while you do fifteen seconds of internet research to find out about Double Boilers.

So, yeah, I’m Dating Everyone.  Did I tell you?  I told you?  Good.  I am.

It’s become the thing I say when people condescendingly ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend.

‘I’m Dating Everyone,’ I say.  And yes.  I’m smug and arrogant when I answer the question.

“At your age, with your personality etc. I can’t imagine you having to be single?  Don’t you have a boyfriend?“

No.  I don’t.  Nor do I want one.

I don’t like your implication, that people have to either be coupled up or cower in fear of being forced to live out their golden years with nothing to support them but their own thoughts and musings.  Perish the thought I actually get some peace and quiet in my retirement.   Just kidding.  I’m never retiring.

My grandmother’s single.  She seems to be having a good time of it.  She’s been single for 20 years since my Grandpa died.  She likes to do puzzles.

Do you honestly think everyone is wandering around, desperately trying to find the ‘missing half’ of themselves that will make them whole?  I hope not.  Sounds like a good way to waste time you should have spent pooping and writing shows, and baking for lovely people.

And pooping, darling.  And all that pooping.  Everyone knows, people in relationships don’t poop.

It implies that you’re not good enough on your own, and most of you are!

The rest of you, I dunno…  Get a boyfriend, I guess.  Quickly.

But for me, that person will either turn up or he won’t.  I’m not looking.

I don’t like the implication that at my age I should really settle down.  And if you ask me, I’m Dating Everyone will be what you hear, with varying degrees of smugness attached to it, depending on how I’m feeling at the moment.

Isn’t that precious?

No. It’s not.

It’s arrogant.  I think arrogant behavior can be funny, though.  I’m really arrogant and humble and arrogant.  And grateful.  I feel grateful pretty often.

I feel really arrogant sometimes too, when I’m onstage or when I’m writing my blog and things are going well.  I feel arrogant sometimes when I’m directing or coaching comedy and I’m getting through to the actors.  I also feel humble in those moments.  If I nail an improvised song, or a written sketch at Maude Night, or an audition, I feel arrogant.  Bulletproof.

But there’s always a humble part of me that knows that the important ingredient, the x factor that makes any actor special, just comes and goes whenever it wants.  If I practice more and work more, it comes more often, but it still can leave whenever it feels like it.  That makes me feel humble.  And arrogant.  And humble.

And sometimes shy.  Don’t ask.  That’s a whole other can of worms.

I’m not sorry for being humble or arrogant.  It’s part of the process I go through to do comedy and music.  It sucks a little, but I don’t think I would trade it for anything at all.  It doesn’t suck a lot more often.  I have talented friends who care about me, and I get to share the stage with the best comedy minds of my generation.  I get that.  That’s what luck and hard work and life has given me.  It’s a gift and it’s mine, and it’s not for anyone else but me.   And that makes me feel humble.  And arrogant.

I’m pretty sure I’m not harming anyone by trying to make people laugh, except the feelings of my closest friends, once in a while, when I think I’m being funny (and I am) but I’m also inadvertently acting like a Jerk.

And my friends know that about me, and don’t make me apologize for it.  I don’t have a whole lot of close friends, but the ones I do have are excellent human beings.  I could have done much worse.

Darling, see what happens?  I start talking about my favorite subject (poop) and I get off topic.

Chocolate Covered Pretzels.  Temper the chocolate.  Drizzle the pretzels. Toss.  Refrigerate.  You’re done.   Take them out after 10 min, or they run the risk of getting ashy looking, like the Elderly.

You’re a superstar!  You made candy!  Share it with your friends!

But don’t ask me who I’m dating.  It’s arrogant, but I’m still going to say it:  I’m Dating Everyone.

Ever so humbly, that is.

Jerks.

Song for a Lonely Gay Boy

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Yesterday when Hank Chen came by to talk about the AIDS WALK, we wound up answering one of the write-in questions from his vlog.

We then sang a sweet song I wrote to a dejected Gay boy on his birthday.

Feel better D.

Happy Sunday, Jerks.

Hankster Chen

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hank Chen, a friend of mine and a video blogger wanted to do an entry with me and put it on his YouTube channel.  We did it!

I made jokes about how selfish the Aids Walk is, and how self absorbed Aids patients are.  Here’s the footage:

Thanks to Hank for a fun afternoon.

Click here to sponsor me for the Aids Walk!

Jerks.

Selfish, Selfish AIDS WALK

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

They called me to do the AIDS WALK, and I was offended.  I said, as a Gay man, I don’t think I should be supporting AIDS, thanks!

Then they explained to me (very slowly) that it’s not a Walk for AIDS.  They had to say it a few times, because I’m self-absorbed, but it finally sunk in:  AIDS WALK is a charity that supports AIDS patients!!

Well, I IMMEDIATELY said yes.   Not because I support AIDS patients (talk about self-absorbed!!) but because I wanted to appear charitable.  That’s very important when you’re a public figure, like I’m not.

Anyway.

It’s really sneaky how they do it.  First they ask you to do it.  THEN after you say yes they tell you it’s at TEN IN THE MORNING.  Are you kidding me?  I live in Brooklyn!  I’ll have to be up at 8 am, if I’m going to look nice at all!  Let’s face it, I’m not as young as I used to be.  I might have to get up at 7:30.

On a SUNDAY?

That’s God’s day.

Plus, I have to check fashion blogs and make sure I’m ahead of hipster trends, and buy shoes with no arch support.   Plus, I have to go to Hype Machine and see what kind of annoying music I can listen to to piss off my lawyer friends and make them feel uncool.  Plus, I have to go to my locavore butcher and congratulate him for reducing the amount of greenhouse gasses we produce as a society, by running an infuriatingly vain hipsterish business that everyone in the neighborhood loves/resents.

Then enema, toe scrub, watch my maid vacuum (she won’t do it right if i DON’T), dermabrasion, tarot card reading, hot air balloon ride, casual sex in restroom, puppet show, and drag queen bingo.  All in one day!

But no.  Not this coming Sunday.  I can’t do any of those things, BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO THE DAMN AIDS WALK AT 10 AM!!!

Selfish, selfish AIDS WALK.

Anyway.

Click here to donate, if you feel like giving money to AIDS.

What?  Oh.  Right. AIDS patients.

Jerks.

Questions

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hey Michael,

Before I begin on the matter of importance, I just wanted to say that I enjoy your blog very much. It’s gotten to the point where I check it everyday to see if there are any updates. 🙂

So, I was hoping maybe you could help me out with some advice. I’ve been seeing this boy…his name is Michael too. We started talking on an iPhone social networking app in January. Things were going great, and we eventually started dating. He is 18 years old. and I am 21. Our relationship only lasted one month because he ended up not wanting to be in a relationship with me. He said he still had feelings for his ex. So we stopped talking for about 2 months after our breakup. Now he is texting me a lot and we actually went out to dinner last week so we could talk things out and be on good terms. It all went great, we laughed and talked seriously about how thing ended between us. He tells me now that he really still likes me and thinks about me all the time. He told me the other day that he wants another chance with me. I’m not sure if I should tell him have it because I feel like he still has feelings for his ex and things will just be the same as last time. He will also be leaving for college in the fall…in another state. I just dont know what to do really. I like him, I think he’s a great guy. What do you think?

-Evan

Evan,

Thanks for writing in.  You’re sweet and kind, and not a douche.

At least, I get that from your letter.  Am I right?

So this guy wants you back eh?  Okay.  You seem to like him.  So maybe let him have you back?  A little.  But hey, make it difficult for him.  Make him prove that he’s not just trying to see if he can get you back out of some emotional existential boredom. On the other hand, don’t make it TOO hard for him – gay people are frequently emotionally ADD.

You think he still has feelings for his ex?  You’re right. He does.  That’s how love works.  You don’t ever stop loving someone, once you fall in love with them.  You just find ways of muting it, when it’s over.

So, okay,  here’s my advice:  Do it.

Let yourself fall for this guy.  Let yourself love him.

But only a little.

He’s leaving.  He’ll be gone in a few short months.  That sucks, but there’s a power to that.  It means that even if he doesn’t act like a douche about his ex, he’s still going to break your heart by leaving.  So, either way, it’s going to hurt.

BUT.

You like him.

You should fall for him.  You’re 21.  He’s 18.  You’re supposed to be having epic romances.  Let yourself.  See where it leads?

You will heal if he hurts you.  Let him.

Do you want to go through life as an emotional daredevil?  Of COURSE you do.  You will heal if he hurts you. Always keep one eye open and know this might be treacherous. I love you.

Michael

Kinda Awkward,

Okay so im 18,and ive had sex a few times..i bottomed now for the 4th time and cant help but feel that its not for me. I hate to say it but, it just feels like im pooping :p

if it wasnt for this constant feeling of pooping when he fucks me,i think i might like it…I know what ur gonna say, poop before, but i do and i still feel it..then im worried ill poop.
is every man suppose to like anal sex? I feel like im a bottom, but i just dont know what all the fuss is about getting fucked. Is the moans and growns in porn, moans of pleasure or just discomfort?.will it become more enjoyable with practice?all i want to do when im with  guy i like is to please him,how can i get around anal sex?How can i keep a guy i like without letting him in?

-Awkward and lonely


p.s. whats ur views on unprotected sex
Awkward,
I bet you’re a beautiful guy.   I know you are.  All Gay people are beautiful and perfect, because all people are.  I believe that.
Okay.
Here are a few things to consider.
1) Maybe you’re not a bottom?  Hey.  When you’re young and gay and pretty?  EVERYONE wants to fuck you.  But, maybe you’re not a bottom?  That’s a possibility to keep in mind.  Maybe you’re a top?
Or maybe you’re one of those weird Gays that only likes oral sex?  I love those weird Gays!
2) However, it sounds like you want to bottom, or try to learn if you are a bottom. In which case:  Keep Doing It.  Let yourself try it… oh I dunno…  ten times?  If after ten times bottoming you think it’s a nuisance, then try finding a cute boy to top.
I want to ask – are you cleaning out?  Are you giving yourself an enema before you let someone penetrate you?  That can make all the difference.  I know lots of bottoms that fuss about whether they’re going to poop everywhere.  Most of those guys just clean out, so the sex is not filled with… er… smudges…
(if you need more information about this, awkward, just email me and i’ll be more specific)
Here’s my advice:  I frequently think Gay men have the short end of the stick.  We are a cultural bogeyman.  People hate us.  We’re even prone to hating ourselves.
I think we should enjoy the few privileges we have.  One of those privileges is that we get to enjoy both passive and penetrative sex.  Please revel in that.  Please enjoy the benefits to being Gay. Seriously.
Oh.
BTW.  That constantly pooping feeling?  It goes away. Keep practicing.
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?  Practice Practice Practice.
P.S.  How do I feel about barebacking?
DON’T
Please be safe?  AIDS is still real.  HIV is still a pain in the ass.  It’s not a joke.  It’s your life.  Please be smart?
Don’t. Let. Anyone. Bareback.  You.
Please?
Jerk.

Happy Sunday!!

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

I’m currently work shopping three songs for an audition packet.

BMI runs a really cool writer’s group for musical theater writing.  If you’re accepted you get to be part of this writer’s group, and get trained by industry professionals.

The audition is in August.  You have to present 3 songs.

This is one of mine, I think.  A bunch of 30-40 something artists are at a retreat in the Adirondack mountains, at a cabin.  One of the main characters gets a little drunk on too much wine, at dinner, and starts musing about how he wants to die by himself.  The other artists are shocked, and kind of offended, as he unravels in this song.

It’s not finished yet, and could stand a re-write, but I  think the bare bones are there for a pretty compelling song.  Hope you enjoy:

Have a great Sunday, Jerks!

SaturDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  Come over.

Me:  No.  You come over here.

Him:  No.  You come over here.

Me:  Noooo…  I have writing to get done, and I should bake and photograph stuff…

Him:  Your stupid blog….

Me:  Yes.  And I have to re-write the show.  It got picked up for a run.

Him: Come over!

Me:  No.  Come over.

Him:  Come over.

Me:  How was your week?

Him:  Come over, it was fine.

Me:  I have to write.

Him:  You’re always writing!

Me:  Tell me about it.  Plus remember last time?  You kept shushing me, even though it was the middle of the day.  You were worried that your landlord was listening to us talk.

Him:  He is stalking me, I think.  I think he’s listening to me have sex and hang out with my friends.

Me:  I didn’t know that.  I only knew that you wanted me to whisper at 3pm.

Him:  Come over.  I won’t shush you.

Me: Of course you will.  It’s 1am.  Is your roommate home?

Him: Yes.  We’ll have to be quiet.

Me:  No.  No way.  I’m not coming over.  I live alone for a reason.  One of those reasons is, I don’t like to tiptoe around after 11:30pm.  Come here.

Him:  No….

Me:  Every time I come over there we make out for a while and then you send me home.  I tell you you’re pretty over and over again and you roll your eyes at me.  Then I go home with a boner.  I think you’re playing games.

Him:  I’m not playing games.

Me:  I know you are, but I like you anyway.

(pause)

Him:  If you come over, we can talk about how good your show was.  Plus, I’m really in the mood for sex.

Me:  What’s your address again?

Him: Hahahahahahaha! 

Me:  Ugh.  I’m such an ego maniac.  Fine.  I’ll come over.

Him:  Don’t expect me to gush about your show if you do.

Me:  You just said…  okay fine….

(20 minutes later, at his place)

Me:  You still have crates of Honest Tea in your kitchen.  That’s the real reason I came over, you know, because I knew you had at least 75 bottles of Honest Tea lying around, and maybe you’d give me one.

Him:  SHHHHHH!!!  Do you want some Honest Tea?

Me:

#1) Do I want some Honest Tea?  No.  It’s waaaaay to late for me to have caffeine.  I’m like an old lady – can’t have it after 8pm.

#2) Do I want some Honesty?  No.  We live in a Society.  Things grind to a halt if we start being honest with one another.

Him:  I hope that joke’s not going into the show.

Me:  It wasn’t, but now I’m going to put it in, just to be willful.

Him: Nice.  Good luck making it work.

Me:  Thanks for all your support.

Him:  Will you come over some time and help me hang things?

Me:  Pictures and stuff?  Sure.  Although I kinda dig the minimalist vibe going on here.  Also, won’t you just shush me when I bang nails in the wall with the hammer?

Him:  SHHHH.  No.  I will take a break from shushing you.

Me:  Well, I suppose it would be wrong of me to deny you help.  I’m so tall and you’re such a cute shawtie.

Him:  Never mind.  I have Architect friends that will help me hang my pictures.

Me:  YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH ARCHITECTS????  Wow.  I should network more.

Him:  Great.  Everything’s a joke with you.

(we kiss for a while)

Me:  You’re super pretty.

Him:  You always say that.

Me:  It’s annoying?

Him:  It’s manipulative.

Me:  I know.

Him:  See?  You’re being manipulative.

Me:  Of course I am.  Everyone is.  At all times.

Him:  What a terrible view of the world.

Me:  Not at all.  An infant can manipulate its mother, and the mother can manipulate the infant.  Every relationship is a negotiation.  If you behave this way and say these things, I behave this way and say these things – and so forth.

Him:  It just sounds terrible, manipulation.

Me:  It has a terrible connotation, the word.  But what’s wrong with manipulating someone to feel good about themselves, especially if it’s true.  Especially if they really are pretty as hell?

Him:  Nothing, but I don’t manipulate people.

Me:  Yes you do.  You manipulated me into coming over by promising sex and an ego stroke about my show.  BTW, I haven’t gotten either yet.  You look super sexy in those shorts.

Him:  You’re doing it again.  I don’t want to feel like you’re part of a movement.  I don’t want to be part of a movement.

Me:  Well then don’t hang out with a bunch of other Asians who feel like sitting down in front of a tank.

Him:  Oh wow.  The jokes never stop.

Me:  They never do.  They never ever do.

Him:  I just don’t want to be part of a movement where we all sit around and compliment each other all the time.

Me:  Yes.  It sounds awful. Look.  It’s not damn movement.  I just think you’re attractive and I say so.  I give compliments, when I think a show is good, or a comic is funny, or a guy i kiss is pretty…  Can we just kiss?  I want to kiss you.

(we kiss for a while longer)

This isn’t going to escalate to sex, is it?

Him:  I don’t really feel like it tonight. 

Me:  You’re the one being manipulative, I think.  Who booty calls someone and then no booty?

Him:  Don’t say that!  My friends always say that about me and it drives me nuts. 

Me:  Your ARCHITECT friends?  They’re probably right.  But you’re still likable.

Him:  Stay over.

Me:  Writing.  I have to do my writing.

Him:  Okay.  I’ll walk you out.

Me:  Can I have some Honest Tea for the road?

Him:  Sure, do you want one? 

Me:  No.  I just think it’s funny you have crates of it in your kitchen.

Him:  Thanks for kissing me.

Me:  Thanks.  You’re sweet, and kind, and I’m lying.  I barely like you, but there’s something about you I can’t get away from.

(pause)

Me:  Will you say it?

Him:  Me?  Sure, I guess.  Right now?

Me:  Yeah.  This has been going on for a while now.  Just try to fit it into the narrative.

Him:  How’s this? 

(pause)

Thanks for coming over.

Jerk.

Me:  That works.

Sponsor Me

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

I’m doing the AIDS Walk!

I’ve got a little more than a week before we do it.  Please sponsor me!

It’s easy!  Just click here!

It should be fun, and we’re raising money for AIDS patient care in the New York City area. You can click and donate 25 dollars or more.  I’ll be posting a link soon, for smaller donations.

Thanks, Jerks!

ThursDATE: Aphasia

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Place:  The L Train.

Time:  Afternoon

(What appears to be a Homeless Man is talking very animatedly to a creeped-out stranger.  He is speaking gibberish.  He looks terrified.)

Homeless Man:  Otamad Krik.  Ayulac!  Niwre! Enialb Sonaj!

(This goes on for a long time, the whole train ignores it.  Then suddenly:)

Him:  Yes brother!  Let it out!  Let her hear the pain!

(A couple of people titter)

Him:  He’s telling the WORLD!!!

(pause, nobody laughs)

Me:  I think we’re witnessing aphasia.

Him:  What??

Me:  When someone has a stroke they sometimes can’t speak right.  I just thought you should know what you’re ridiculing.

Him:  Oh are you a doctor?  Can you go and help him?

Me:  No.  I’m not a doctor, smart ass.

Her:  Don’t talk to him.  You don’t have to talk to him.

Me:  You should know what you’re making fun of, at least, right?  I think it’s aphasia.

Him:  I was just being positive!

Me:  You were ridiculing him.

Him:  Yeah.  Well.  Yeah.  I…

Her:  You don’t have to be such an asshole.  You don’t have to turn the whole train against my boyfriend.  The guy is (whispers) homeless.

Me:  And therefore less than human: I get it.   Sure.  He’s had a stroke or brain damage, but let’s consider your boyfriend’s feelings here! You’re right.  I’m an asshole.  In this whole situation, I’m the asshole.

Him:   Hey, if you’re such an altruist why don’t you go help him?  You have a chance to prove how good you are!!

Me:  Oh no.  You’ve got it wrong.  I’m not an altruist.  I just couldn’t process my shock and anger at your behavior without pointing out that the man is clearly brain damaged.  I’m just processing it.

Her:  Are you taking photographs?  DON’T TALK TO HIM.  (then, to me:) He was just having fun.  You made everyone on the train uncomfortable. 

Me:  Did I? Did I do that?  Was it me?

(The train stops.)

Me:  I believe this is your stop.

Conductor:  Bedford Avenue.

(They leave the train.)

(I try to gather the courage to photograph the Homeless Man, but I feel icky about that, so I don’t.)

(I get off two stops later and tell the station agent there’s a sick passenger on the train.)