Passive Aggressive, Part 1

2013-04-30 15.58.07


Sponsored by Girbaud

Him: Don’t involve me in that ever again.

Me: Excuse me?

Him: You heard me. I don’t want to be part of your circus. I don’t care to sit there while you open a bank account, on a day when we’ve planned to meet for a picnic. You’ve been extremely passive agressive today and I don’t want to be part of whatever game it is you’re playing.

(long pause)

Me: Well… It’s a nice day, and we finally made it to the park. Eat your sandwich, maybe, and you won’t be hangry anymore?

(long pause. we eat. i start to play ukulele.)

Me: Hey, we wrote this song together. Do you remember writing this song?

Him: Yes.


Me: Right. We wrote it. Where were we?


Me: You don’t remember? We were at your apartment in Cobble Hill. I was complaining about your tendency to hoard things – it’s a real fire hazzard, and I’d twisted my ankle in the clothing/furniture/old paper maze to your bed. It was hot and you had rigged up a ‘fan contraption,’ remember?

2013-04-30 15.31.19

Him: It was two fans working in tandem to circulate the air.

Me: That’s right! I was asking about American Hwangap at the Magic Theater. You said you’d written a chord progression for the end of the show, remember?


Me: I said we owed it to Thin Skin Jonny to turn it into a song. Surely you remember?

(pause. i start singing.)

If I said more often,

How good you look…

In the morning time, boy

Wouldn’t that have been fine?

If I told you,

How good you cook

You make your own beef jerky.

Who makes their own beef jerky?

2013-04-30 15.44.23


Would you let me stay?

Would you let me stay?

Hey hey hey.

Would you let me stay?

Ah haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..


And if I said I’m sorry,

For all the fighting last December,

Would you say, It’s okay –

As far as you remember

If I said I was a lonely boy

Who really really misses you

Can I be the only boy who

Gets to hug and kiss you…


I wanna be the only boy-

Would you let me st-

Him: That’s enough.


2013-04-30 15.33.05

Me: I’ll stop singing that song, but not because you told me to.

Him: Michael, I’ve moved beyond this. I have completed my grief cycle. I’ve come out the other side a better man.

Me: And I kept singing the songs that made us feel immortal. What’s your point?

Him: You can’t hold on to love for too long. It will burden you. It will anchor you down.

Me: Oh really? I was thinking the opposite. I was thinking that I’m a writer. I’m a songwriter. I’m a playwright. I write comedy for television and star in sketch shows. I was thinking I might keep singing my songs, because you know what? People are buying them now.


Do you want writing credit for this, or no? Because I don’t want to deal with a lawsuit later on.

Him: You’re ridiculous and passive agressive to the nth degree and I’m not your boyfriend any longer. I don’t have to put up with it.

Me: Oh. No. You did not. Gurl, you better hold my gold.

Him: You have to let this go.

2013-04-30 15.44.21

Me: No, I don’t. You’re not my boyfriend anymore and I don’t have to put up with you telling me what to do. I can love whomever I want. I can keep loving you, Norman. I can love Carson, too. I can love Andrew forever too, if I want to. I don’t have to do what you tell me to do. How’s that for passive aggressive? Or was that just agressive?

(pause. i play more uke.)

So if I do all the laundry…

If I go and buy all the paper towels,

Will you rent a hall?

Will you write some wedding vows?

If I pick up all my dirty socks.

If I go and put back the toothpaste cap,

When our kid has chicken pox

Will you pick up a midnight snack?


And would you let me stay?

Would you let me stay?

Hey hey hey? Hey.

Would you let me stay?

Ah Haaaaaaaaaaaa ah.

2013-04-30 15.58.01


Maybe I’ll change?

Maybe I’ll change.

Maybe I’ll look at myself

I’ll re-arrange things when I change

Ah Haaaaaaaaaaaaa ah.


I just realized,

When I saw your eyes.

I don’t want to… Stay….  

2013-04-30 16.00.12


To Be Continued…




I’m With Magneto


Tri Vo Studio

Me: What is this theater? A speak easy?

Him: It’s the closest one to my house.

Me: There’s no sign. I had to circle the block three times to figure out where it was.

Him: They’re doing construction. I bought a bunch of snacks.  You’re stressed out. Let’s have fun.

(We watch the movie. We do have fun. Then…)


Me: Aw, Jeez… You’re being nice and I’m being horrible.  Thanks for the movie and the snacks, sweet boy.

Him: It’s okay. You have an emotional investment in the franchise; me too. I’ve been reading X-Men since i was a kid.

Me: Me too, since I was 8 years old.

Him: What did you think?

Me: I can’t but love it. I have to. It’s about us. It’s about LGBTQ.

Him: Singer really pushed the homosexual imagery hard – all  that man on man fondling! Long, deep eye contact…

Me: He did. I got really emotional. Certain lines they delivered seemed to be speaking directly to Us. Almost like Singer wanted Us to hear his advice.

Him: ‘No, no. We don’t hurt our own kind.’

Me: YES! ‘Mutant and Proud.’

Him: That was clearly the underlying moral of the movie.

Me: I know. ‘You didn’t ask, so I didn’t tell.’

Him: Also, the hero, Charles Xavier, has big flaws. He invades people’s minds even after he has promised not to. He pressures Mystique to ‘cover’ her true form in public.


Me: Covering is a real problem right now in the Gay community.  The pressure for us to mute ourselves can be felt any time we hang out with straight people. It’s not fair, and they don’t even realize they’re coyly asking us to do that, when we’re with them.

Him: They always do that. They all always do that.

Me: They frequently do that. But not all of them, and not always.

Him: How many of your comedy teams have pressured you to smooth out the gay around the edges?

Me: All of them, at one point or another. But, that’s comedy.

Him: I’m with Magneto. I’m a separatist.

Me: No, you’re not. You’re not willing to kill or maim or terrorize people in order to gain your equality.

(long silence)

Me: Stop. Don’t look at me like that. You’re not willing to do that.


Him: I agree with the philosophy. By any means necessary. It boils down to Xavier/Magneto being Dr. King/Malcolm X.

Me: I know. But what makes one argument compelling is that the other exists. One side of the argument is not compelling without the opposite point of view. It’s useless to say that you agree with Dr. King or Malcolm X., becaue you know in your heart that they are both right.

Him: I don’t care anymore. I’ve found a way to be completely homo-social. I only associate with Gay people except for my mother.

Me: That’s very narrow.

Him: I’m Chinese-American and Gay. What can I do? There’s a whole world out there that hates me for one reason or another.  I’m not going to devote my  life to fighting for the respect of people that aren’t as smart as I am.

Me: That’s your right, but you live in the world. You have straight people around you, and you must interact with them. And by the way, you’re right: you are absolutely smarter than 99% of people.


Him: My mother is my only female friend. I don’t understand women and they get offended almost every single time I have to interact with them. Their feelings are so sensitive and I don’t have time for that.

Me:  Stop that. It’s not just women. You hurt my feelings all the time, too. I have women in my life I love and respect.  But, I think I get what you’re driving at.  They seem to be wired differently than us. However, if we’re to demand respect from Straights who are wired differently, then we must manifest the generosity of spirit to return that respect. Or screw up the courage to offer the respect first. Certainly, we have to rise above misogyny if we want our own equality.

Him: I am an oppressed minority two times over. I’m not going to start respecting first. I’m not going to start living by their rules. I just want to be left alone. Give us our own country, and one for the Lesbians. Indiana. Nobody wants to live there. Let us have it.

Me: Lesbromolia.

(Pause. No laughter.)


Hey, if you don’t start first then nobody will start respecting anyone. That’s how respect works. It’s a two way street. We don’t have to live how they tell us, but we must start respecting first, because they have the power. Here’s a better question. How do we take the power?

Him: We start riots in the street. Burn down their houses.  Make it so they’re so afraid they have to turn on fire hoses and shoot us with rubber bullets. And we make sure there are plenty of cameras around when they turn on the fire hoses.

Me: Maybe… That might need to happen. This is America. It seems like major social change has only ever come at the cost of much anguish and bloodshed. Are we ready for that? I’ve always hoped that some sort of amazing Gay Gandhi would come along and show us how to peacefully get what’s ours. We’re not organized enough for that, yet. But there’s change brewing.  You can feel it?

Him:  Yes. But I don’t care. I’m with Magneto. I’m an evil mutant.

Me: That’s okay. I love you anyhow.

(Long pause)

Just remember: We don’t harm our own kind. And use a condom.  And clean out, if you’re going to bottom. Jerk.


And be nice to girls.

Him: No.

Me: Yes.





Sponsored by Girbaud Denim.


Him: Hey I’m back but I’m really sleepy.


Me: Then take a nap at my place, drunky.


Him: Allright, I’m heading over, but just to sleep.


Me: No. Come to think of it, don’t.


Him: Haha. Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then.


Me: Maybe.


Him: I’ll check on you tomorrow then?


Me: If you remember.


Him: I’ll remember.



Me: So will I. How’s the weather out there? Fair?


Him: Slightly chilly, but nice.


Me: Better to head home then. I have to txt a friend and ask about coming over to help.

Him: I hope you find a cool roomie.


Me: By the way, you shouldn’t stand someone up for a date and then sign on to Grindr. It’s poor etiquette. Dick move, I’d say.


Him: You just told me to go home.


Me: I need help. I’m not a flop house. You come over and sit. I cook. It’s not equitable. When it’s time to help you suddenly get tired.


Him: Fair assessment.


Me: Yes. Therefore I’m busy tomorrow. No date.



Him: That’s the rules we set from the start.


Me: Wrong. I was waiting for you to act like a team player.


Him: I’m the worst at that.


Me: Agree. You’re not dating material. Not even friend material. My friends do the dishes when I cook.


Him: You said it was fine to hang out, video games, and fool around, or cuddle. I agreed.


Me: I remember that. I’d like to renegotiate. I’m not satisfied with the arrangement anymore.


Him: I really don’t want to make you feel un-equitable.


Me: Okay, then. Let’s renegotiate?



Him: I feel like you may need more than I can give.


Me: Why? Cause I said let’s go on a date? That’s off the table. How about… do a dish once in awhile? How about don’t act like I’m a pariah if we’re in a gay bar? I don’t really need a boyfriend either; I just asked for a date.




I’m not happy with you wasting my Friday night with your lame excuse last minute. People  ask after my time, you know.




Me: The best negotiations leave everyone happy. Make an offer.


Him: You jump moods very quickly and it’s tough to get my feelings through.


Me: You don’t speak your feelings. That’s all on you. I think it’s pretty clear how I feel. I asked you to take me on a date. What are your feelings?


Him: Not a lot. I wanted to send this quote from Girls but it’s kind of selfish. Let me find it.


Me: No. Speak for yourself. This is negotiation. Say what you want. Don’t be lazy and plagiarize another writer’s work. I literally had to cry about my hurt feelings to get a date. That’s not the start of a deeper friendship. You’re standing me up tonight, the night before our official dinner date, and signing on to Grindr. You didn’t even apologize. How passive aggressive can you be?


Him: I want nothing.


Me: Then you don’t get anything.


Him: I wanted something at some point. Now I don’t.


Me: Life is about tone and timing. That’s understandable.




Me: We don’t seem to have a deal. I’m still fond of you. These small feelings will extinguish relatively easily. I’ll table my negotiation until after Mother’s day. Have fun alone.



Him: Many times that’s the best place to be.


Me: One thing I’m always saying is that the pair of eyes in the mirror belong to the best boyfriend in the world. It’s another way of reminding myself to go fuck myself. I suggest you do the same.


Him: I’m terrible at being on this side of anger.


Me: I’m not angry. Speak for yourself. It’s rude to speak for the other party negotiating. And, it doesn’t get anyone what they want. We were tender and sweet to each other. That’s a great thing. We needed creature comfort. I mistook that for us building a small relationship as friends. It’s my bad. Take care. I have to write this down.


Him: I still think of our relationship as small. Just much smaller now.


Me: Agree. You’re a fair weather friend. You show up when you’re horny, or lonely, or hungry and make me do most of the work. That’s not acceptable. That’s selfish and I won’t accept those terms. No deal.


Him: I’ll let you go. I’m sorry we didn’t read things the same way.


Me: Your cruelty is quite elegant, but don’t be sorry. I’m already adjusting my expectations. I really must go write something.


Him: Okay. Goodnight.

Me: One more thing: Neither of us are Girls, but one of us is in his 20s. Don’t let Lena Dunham speak for you. You speak for you. That’s good negotiation.




I’m Dating Everyone

Little known fact: I’m dating everyone.

It’s true.  It’s evolved into my motto for 2011.

I’m dating everyone.

I was in long term relationships for pretty much all of the aughts, and I’m taking a breather this year.  I’m feeling emotionally worn out, to be honest, and I’d like to focus on my work.

Is that okay with you?  More in a second.  I’m going to talk about chocolate for a second, and then juxtapose it with a poop joke.

Chocolate covered pretzels are super easy.

Just temper a buncha chocolate.  That means add heat to it, in a double boiler.   Use a double boiler so you don’t scorch the chocolate.

If you don’t have a double boiler you can make one with a metal bowl and a pot of water.

Figure it out.  I’ll wait here while you do fifteen seconds of internet research to find out about Double Boilers.

So, yeah, I’m Dating Everyone.  Did I tell you?  I told you?  Good.  I am.

It’s become the thing I say when people condescendingly ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend.

‘I’m Dating Everyone,’ I say.  And yes.  I’m smug and arrogant when I answer the question.

At your age, with your personality etc. I can’t imagine you having to be single?  Don’t you have a boyfriend?

No.  I don’t.  Nor do I want one.

I don’t like your implication, that people have to either be coupled up or cower in fear of being forced to live out their golden years with nothing to support them but their own thoughts and musings.  Perish the thought I actually get some peace and quiet in my retirement.   Just kidding.  I’m never retiring.

My grandmother’s single.  She seems to be having a good time of it.  She’s been single for 20 years since my Grandpa died.  She likes to do puzzles.

Do you honestly think everyone is wandering around, desperately trying to find the ‘missing half’ of themselves that will make them whole?  I hope not.  Sounds like a good way to waste time you should have spent pooping and writing shows, and baking for lovely people.

And pooping, darling.  And all that pooping.  Everyone knows, people in relationships don’t poop.

It implies that you’re not good enough on your own, and most of you are!

The rest of you, I dunno…  Get a boyfriend, I guess.  Quickly.

But for me, that person will either turn up or he won’t.  I’m not looking.

I don’t like the implication that at my age I should really settle down.  And if you ask me, I’m Dating Everyone will be what you hear, with varying degrees of smugness attached to it, depending on how I’m feeling at the moment.

Isn’t that precious?

No. It’s not.

It’s arrogant.  I think arrogant behavior can be funny, though.  I’m really arrogant and humble and arrogant.  And grateful.  I feel grateful pretty often.

I feel really arrogant sometimes too, when I’m onstage or when I’m writing my blog and things are going well.  I feel arrogant sometimes when I’m directing or coaching comedy and I’m getting through to the actors.  I also feel humble in those moments.  If I nail an improvised song, or a written sketch at Maude Night, or an audition, I feel arrogant.  Bulletproof.

But there’s always a humble part of me that knows that the important ingredient, the x factor that makes any actor special, just comes and goes whenever it wants.  If I practice more and work more, it comes more often, but it still can leave whenever it feels like it.  That makes me feel humble.  And arrogant.  And humble.

And sometimes shy.  Don’t ask.  That’s a whole other can of worms.

I’m not sorry for being humble or arrogant.  It’s part of the process I go through to do comedy and music.  It sucks a little, but I don’t think I would trade it for anything at all.  It doesn’t suck a lot more often.  I have talented friends who care about me, and I get to share the stage with the best comedy minds of my generation.  I get that.  That’s what luck and hard work and life has given me.  It’s a gift and it’s mine, and it’s not for anyone else but me.   And that makes me feel humble.  And arrogant.

I’m pretty sure I’m not harming anyone by trying to make people laugh, except the feelings of my closest friends, once in a while, when I think I’m being funny (and I am) but I’m also inadvertently acting like a Jerk.

And my friends know that about me, and don’t make me apologize for it.  I don’t have a whole lot of close friends, but the ones I do have are excellent human beings.  I could have done much worse.

Darling, see what happens?  I start talking about my favorite subject (poop) and I get off topic.

Chocolate Covered Pretzels.  Temper the chocolate.  Drizzle the pretzels. Toss.  Refrigerate.  You’re done.   Take them out after 10 min, or they run the risk of getting ashy looking, like the Elderly.

You’re a superstar!  You made candy!  Share it with your friends!

But don’t ask me who I’m dating.  It’s arrogant, but I’m still going to say it:  I’m Dating Everyone.

Ever so humbly, that is.