They called me to do the AIDS WALK, and I was offended. I said, as a Gay man, I don’t think I should be supporting AIDS, thanks!
Then they explained to me (very slowly) that it’s not a Walk for AIDS. They had to say it a few times, because I’m self-absorbed, but it finally sunk in: AIDS WALK is a charity that supports AIDS patients!!
Well, I IMMEDIATELY said yes. Not because I support AIDS patients (talk about self-absorbed!!) but because I wanted to appear charitable. That’s very important when you’re a public figure, like I’m not.
It’s really sneaky how they do it. First they ask you to do it. THEN after you say yes they tell you it’s at TEN IN THE MORNING. Are you kidding me? I live in Brooklyn! I’ll have to be up at 8 am, if I’m going to look nice at all! Let’s face it, I’m not as young as I used to be. I might have to get up at 7:30.
On a SUNDAY?
That’s God’s day.
Plus, I have to check fashion blogs and make sure I’m ahead of hipster trends, and buy shoes with no arch support. Plus, I have to go to Hype Machine and see what kind of annoying music I can listen to to piss off my lawyer friends and make them feel uncool. Plus, I have to go to my locavore butcher and congratulate him for reducing the amount of greenhouse gasses we produce as a society, by running an infuriatingly vain hipsterish business that everyone in the neighborhood loves/resents.
Then enema, toe scrub, watch my maid vacuum (she won’t do it right if i DON’T), dermabrasion, tarot card reading, hot air balloon ride, casual sex in restroom, puppet show, and drag queen bingo. All in one day!
But no. Not this coming Sunday. I can’t do any of those things, BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO THE DAMN AIDS WALK AT 10 AM!!!
Selfish, selfish AIDS WALK.
Click here to donate, if you feel like giving money to AIDS.
What? Oh. Right. AIDS patients.