Tag: gay dating advice

MonDATE: Bisexuals, and the Right to Privacy – Part One

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

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Him: Hello, are you Michael?

Me: Yes. You’re Sam?

Him: Yes. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Me: You too, Sam, I like your shirt.

Him: It’s Hollister.

Me: I like it anyway. Wanna take a walk?

Him: A walk? That sounds so weird and creepy, in the middle of the night.

Me: Is it? I just don’t really want to go drink right now. I’m trying to shed the winter layer.

Him: But isn’t a bar… Safer, somehow?

Me: We can stick to Colorado – it’s well lit. I’ll try to resist the urge to take you to a park and chop you into small pieces.

Him: That’s what I meant when I said weird and creepy!

Me: Let’s operate off the assumption neither of us is a murderous sociopath?

Him: You don’t seem like a sociopath to me.

Me: Thanks, man! I like your attitude!

(We walk for a while, chatting. I find out things about him. He’s in medical school. He’s into extreme sports, hiking, and surfing. He seems nice enough, and he’s no dummy. He’s read most of Kurt Vonnegut, so he gets points.)

Him: So, I guess you’re wondering why I’ve contacted you?

Me: I guess I am, now that you mention.

Him: I wanted to ask you a question. Do you mind if I ask a personal question?

Me: No, I guess not, as long as you don’t mind not getting a full answer, depending on the question.

Him: Haha, fair. Fair enough.

Me: What’s the question?

Him: Well, I have a few questions. Firstly, are you bi-sexual? I read your site for a long time and I always assumed you were gay, but now you’re married to a woman, and what’s the deal? Is she a lesbian? Does she need a green card, or whatever?

Me: Oh wow. I thought personal question meant something like ‘boxers or briefs?’

Him: No. You clearly wear briefs. I’ve seen your Instagram.

Me: Fair enough.

Him: Are you bisexual?

Me: Let me ask you a question. I’ll answer yours, but let me do the rudest thing and follow up a question with another question. Does it matter?

Him: What?

Me: Does it matter? The difference between me being Gay or Bi? Or even straight?

Him: What do you mean? Of course it matters. Of course .

Me: How so?

(There is a pause. He looks confused.)

Him: Do you realize, I’ve read you for years?

Me: No, I usually go into these meetings pretty blind. When I meet with people it’s much more likely they’ve lurked or stalked me, whereas I might only have a brief email and a fuzzy photo to go on.

Him: But how can you do this? You talked about Gay dating, alienation and minority rights for years. How do you just get to marry a woman and continue on like nothing happened?

Me: Because nothing happened. I got married. It was pretty important to me, in the scope of my life, but in the grand scheme of human events, it’s not even a blip on the radar. It’s just a marriage. Most people do it at least once.

Him: But why a woman? Are you Bisexual?

Me: Again, I don’t see how that matters. It’s clear that I’m definitely a member of the LGBTQ community. Right? And, consider this: you haven’t told me your sexuality, yet you seem to think it’s fine to pry about mine and my wife’s?

Him: I’m Bi.

Me: Okay, good. I’m Queer.

Him: What does that mean? In what sense?

Me: It means I am as Gay as Kurt Cobain.

Him: What about your wife?

Me: She’s whatever she is.

Him: Stop. This is frustrating.

Me: This is nobody’s business. One of the perks of marriage is people stop prying about who does what, when, with whom, and how.

Him: But I’m curious!

Me: Well, that’s flattering. Are you openly Bi?

Him: What?

Me: Do people know you’re Bisexual?

Him: Some people do.

Me: Your family?

Him: No. My brother knows, I think, but by and large, no.

Me: Your work friends?

Him: No. I don’t want them thinking I’m weird, or off.

Me: Your friends from school?

Him: No.

Me: So, pretty much, just the people you have sex with.

Him: You make it sound sad.

Me: No, you make it sound sad. You’re the one who made those choices.

Him: It’s just what happened. I’m a victim of circumstance.

Me: You’re what? 28? 27?

Him: I’m 30 this year.

Me: Okay, well, welcome to the club. I’m going to say something, and I hope you don’t get offended.

Him: Are you going to call me a Jerk?

Me: I don’t do that anymore, Jerk. Just kidding. No, just this: There’s no such thing as a victim of circumstance. Not really. I believe life is a series of choices. It’s in the art of choosing we discover what kind of man or woman we become. If you don’t like your circumstances you have a right to make a different choice. It might be more difficult to make a courageous choice. It might, in fact, be stupid to make a courageous choice. It might make your life more of a struggle to make an honest choice, or to have enough integrity to look your family in the eye and say, here’s what I am – here’s how I was born and here’s the way things are for me. I’m sorry you feel differently about how I should live my life, but then again, my life is the only thing that is arguably entirely mine – and I’m the one who has to live it.

Him: What’s that have to do with the way the world is?

Me: To say you’re a victim of circumstance is a bit misleading when you’re the one creating your own reality.

Him: That’s arrogant. That’s incredibly arrogant, and I knew you’d say something like that. I knew you’d come up with a way to make me being down low about my sexuality my fault. My sexuality doesn’t define who I am anymore than my liking baseball defines who I am. Why do I have to make a huge issue of who I’m sleeping with? Doesn’t my mother deserve a good birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving without me ruining everything by talking about sex with dudes? Why are people so obsessed with where I’m putting my penis? It’s nobody’s business.

Me: And yet, you’re so very obsessed with where I’m putting mine.

(There is a long pause. He starts to speak, then stops, then looks confused.)

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

 

Letters

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

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Hey Michael, 

I’m the guy from Duke University/UCB that you talked to on Friday at the Blue Boar. Since talking to you I’ve followed your advice by not fucking anybody in the comedy world and so far it’s going great. It was fun hearing gossip and an honest perspective about UCB, and I’d love to pick your brain again about how one goes about turning comedy and song writing into a career.

Rick

Hey Rick,

It was fun talking to you, too.

So, yeah, don’t fuck any comics. I’ve watched a few of my friends date themselves out of career options when relationships with other comics go bad. One friend in particular springs to mind. She’d had so many failed relationships with UCB comics that there were few teams at the NYC theater who would have her perform with them. Politics, politics…  She’s still successful in her own right, but for my money I’d do it differently.

Aside from that, my only other advice is keep going. And, don’t just improvise. Write jokes. Write sketches. Write pilots and spec scripts. You never know when you’ll meet the person who can put your script in the right hands. Also, just keep writing and performing as much as possible. That sounds cliche but it’s true. Keep at it.

I hope this helps, and please invite me to your shows?

Michael

Dear Michael,

 
You may not remember, but about two and a half years ago, I wrote you about being in the closet at the Naval Academy. I just wanted to say thank you so much for the advice you gave me to stick it out. Soon after you posted your response, I started to come out and the response was mixed but mostly good. My last two years at school were much better since I wasn’t worried about people finding out about my sexuality and I actually found a great group of friends who were either out or in the process of coming out. This past May, my boyfriend and I graduated from Annapolis and started our careers as officers. I am so glad that I decided to stay and just wanted to again say thanks for helping me make that decision.
 
Sincerely,
Brad
Thanks, Brad.
It isn’t very frequent I get a follow up from one of my advice letters, and it’s nice to know I didn’t steer you in a disastrous direction. You and your boyfriend sound totally adorable and everyone in the world must be jealous when you two arrive at a military function in dress uniforms, holding hands. In fact, I’m picturing that right now, and I’m wondering if you two would like to come photograph for the blog in uniform?
Thanks for coming out of the closet. It’s important we stay visible, since the world needs positive gay role models. You boys are an inspiration.
xo
Michael
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Stop. Be still.

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

IMG_3150 as Smart Object-1

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Him: Are you okay?

Me: No. Obviously.

Him: Stop. You look tired. Stop. Don’t. Don’t hug me. You always try to hug me.

Me: I need affection. Please hug me.

Him: Stop. Fine. Yes. Here. Hug me.

Me: Thanks. Let’s lie down?

Him: No, I’m not here for that. I’m here for you.

Me: I’m fine.

Him: You’re not.

Me: I am. I’m fine.

Him: No, Michael. You’re not. You’re not fine at all. Some very traumatic things happened. You’re trying to act like you’re fine, but you’re bouncing off the walls. Be still.

Me: I can’t. I don’t. I don’t have time for being still, not for one second. I have so much to do.

Him: Why am I here? Why did I come over here? Do you know?

Me: Kiss me.

Him: Stop. No. Stop.

Me: I need affection. Hug me again.

Him: Okay fine. What happened?

Me: Lots of stuff.

Him: How was LA?

Me: It wasn’t as nice as I’d hoped it would be.

Him: Are people mean?

Me: Uh. Some of them are, yes. Extremely.

Him: You mean at the Network?

Me: No. I mean other comedy types that I thought were my friends.

Him: How was the Network?

Me: They were nice enough.  I had no idea what I was auditioning for. I had to stay in my hotel room for three days straight while they grilled me about who I was. I was isolated. I quit my job, lost Alex over it, and I got so exhausted that I might have showed too much ‘realness’ in the final interview.

IMG_3183 as Smart Object-1

Him: Wait, you lost Alex over it?

Me: He was terrified of being alone for six weeks. Maybe he just didn’t really love me to begin with, though? Soon as he said yes to moving in with me, the smiles stopped.

Him: He stopped smiling at you?

Me: Yes. He would look for reasons to provoke me. He wouldn’t smile. He wouldn’t eat food I made, even when I knew he’d skipped dinner. I got a few promotions, and career advancements. He wouldn’t show up to celebrate them.

Him: Wow.

Me: He left me right when I needed him most. He left during the hardest callback process of my life. Whywouldyoudothattosomeone?

Him: Michael. Slow down. Things are fine now, right?

Me: Sure?

(long pause)

Me: I hate this so much.

Him: Stop.

Me: Lie down next to me.

Him: Stop.

Me: That’s why you’re here.

Him: Stop. Stop pacing around. You’re crawling out of your skin.

Me: Why did he do this?  I hate this the most. I told him I didn’t want a relationship but he kept at it. He kept coming over.

Him: You need to be still. People play games. They don’t even know they’re doing it.

Me: Somewhere along the line he stopped smiling at me. Started making me beg for affection. Cruel. I had to work so hard for every morsel.

Him: That’s how us Asian boys act when we don’t get monogamy.

Me: I offered him monogamy.

(pause)

Him: You offered him monogamy?

(pause)

Him: What did he say?

IMG_3130 as Smart Object-1

Me: He told me it was too late – that I should have wanted monogamy the whole time. That I should have known when I met him. I told him the next time he tries to change the mind of a grown man, expect it to take much longer than 8 months.

Him: Hm…  That doesn’t sound right. That sounds like an excuse. Maybe he’s just a kid? Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants?

Me: People are cat-fishing me now, online. They’re making up fake profiles in order to say cruel things. Why is everyone so awful?

Him: Stop. Be still. Okay. Lie down. I’ll lie down with you.

Me: Kiss me?

Him: No. Just lie here with me. I want you to be still. It’s okay to cry, but don’t move. Just be still. I’m going to touch your face a little.

(he touches my face. tears slip out of me. we are quiet for a long time.)

Me: (whispered) He tricked me. I don’t trust anybody now. He took that away.

Him: Stop. You trust too much anyhow.

Me: No. Not anymore.

IMG_2885 as Smart Object-1

(long silence. i am still. my diaphragm shakes.)

Him: Stop.

(long silence. tremors build inside me.)

Him: Still. Be still.

(long silence. i control the tremors)

Him: Good. Still.

(i turn away. i am still. i breathe, but not too deep. he starts to snooze. he has no idea i’m still crying)

IMG_3138 as Smart Object-1

 

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Letters

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

piefolk_tkha42

piefolk_tkha38tommy kha

Hi Michael, 

 

I’ve been following you on piefolk for a few months now, and I see that you reply to some fan mail. Just wanted to let you know you’re hilarious and awesome for putting it together. 

Your blog’s been more than just soft core, its posts especially like No Straight Potential that remind me how big and limitless the world is when I’m down. 
I’m 19 and attending UCLA right now and I imagine the east coast to be a wonderful place full of the hottest comedians. 

If ever I get the chance to visit new york city.. I’d love to get a picture with you (as naked as possible) 

 

Thanks for amusing me many a evenings. 
Chris W

Thanks Chris.

‘More Than Soft Core’ is going to become this year’s motto. No, wait – Turn It Yes is this year’s motto. Oh well. Maybe next year I’ll be more than soft core.

Both coasts have nice people, but if you come visit I’ll definitely show you around the comedy scene a bit, and photograph with you.  Next time capitalize PIEFOLK when you write to me, Jerk.

You’re beautiful, brother.

piefolk_tkha14

(From Tumblr)

beverlycrusher asked: So listen, I make aprons, and I’ve read your site forever and it makes me want to make you an apron. Is that a thing? Is that a weird thing? I’m not entirely certain.

It’s a thing. Paulo Raymundo already made an apron for me, and he’s a fancy designer. I would be flattered and giddy if you made an apron for me. Contact me at piefolk@gmail.com for more dialogue about this. You’re lovely!

piefolk_tkha30

vaccinium asked: Hey! You probably don’t remember me, but we spoke a few times on a website that’s now shut down; Dlist. That was not too long after I had started telling people I’m gay, and reading through your blog helped me a lot in relation to feeling less isolated in my sexuality. Also, you’re an amazing guy in general, and reading your posts just gave me this great feeling, knowing there are considerate people like you in the world 😛 Anyway, I was wondering, why have you started updating tumblr again?

Good question. I quit my temp job recently to pursue ‘being myself for a living.’ That means more tumblr posts, and social media in general.

I’m glad you’re feeling less alienated. It hurts my heart to think about gay people suffering in isolation. Don’t let other people make you feel ashamed of being yourself. Just go be yourself as hard as you can. It’s the best gift you can give – to yourself and the world.

piefolk_tkha32

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Starbucks: Part One

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

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Him: Let’s grab a coffee. Oh, ew, nevermind.

Me: What?

Him: It’s not Intelligensia.

Me: Oh yeah. I’ve read that name a lot. What’s Intelligensia? It sounds like a philosophy about fair labor practices, or something.

Him: Um, I don’t know about that. I just know that Intelligensia coffees are fresh roasted daily in vintage German roasters. This is a Starbucks. That’s not the same thing.

Me: It’s not, but it’s New York in February.

(long pause)

Him: Okay fine, but I’ll get a tea. I’m kind of a coffee snob.

Me: That’s becoming clear.

Him: Oh, sorry. We don’t all have blogs about progressive gay thought.

Me: Don’t apologize. Some of us are coffee snobs. That’s cool. It takes a village.

Him: What?

Me: It’s a saying. “It takes a village to raise a child.” Although I might amend that statement so say “It takes a village of gays to raise a child right.”

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Him: Ew. Gays don’t want children.

Me: Ew. Yes they do.

Him: Ew. Who told you that?

Me: Ew.

Him: Ew, what?

Me: Just ew we keep saying ew.

Him: Who told you that gays want children?

Me: I guess I told myself that.

Him: Sounds so heteronormative. No thanks.

Me: No thanks?

Him: I don’t want to live in a world where gays want to have children. Why should we emulate the behavior of people who oppress us and treat us like there’s some sort of sex hierarchy, where their sex is perfectly normal, and in fact wonderful, and our sex is shameful and dirty?

Me: That’s a good point. We shouldn’t emulate that sort of behavior. But what does that have to do with having children?

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Him: To want to raise children is to support the narrative of that sexual hierarchy. That’s how their sex is so pure and gentle, because it leads them to their precious children. Meanwhile, we keep having sex for the fun of it, because it’s all we can do, and they label us as ‘forever adolescent.’

Me: I think they’re just jealous. How’s the tea?

Him: It’s mundane. Starbucks Chai. I’ve been there, done that.

Me: So, how –

Him: It’s trite.

Me: I get it. I get that you don’t like Starbucks. I actually really like the coffee here.

Him: Ew.

Me: Ew. So, wait. Can I ask you a question?

Him: Okay.

Me: What about adopting? Doesn’t that not-support the heteronormative paradigm?

Him: Wow that’s terrible grammar.

Me: Ew.

Him: Ew what?

Me: Correcting grammar in an interesting conversation.

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Him: Oh. You think this is interesting. That’s cute. Okay. No. It doesn’t not-support the heteronormative paradigm.

Me: Why’s that?

Him: They’ve been using us for thousands of years to clean up their messes. To write their philosophies, their theater, their music, to cut their hair, to design their living spaces, to make their clothing, to act in their movies, to fight their wars, to farm their fields – they’ve been using us to clean up after them.

Me: Okay…

Him: Now they’ve gone and overpopulated the world – vanity. Their own vanity has driven them to overpopulate the world. And now they want me to pitch in and love their children and raise their children? No. I’m sorry. No thank you. I’ll keep my job as a graphic designer, and I’ll go to Fire Island in the summer. I’ll sleep with twinks and I’ll do too much blow on the weekends and I’ll get along just fine. Yep.

Me: Wow. You, uh… You have some opinions.

(pause)

Me: Can I say something? Can I make one observation?

Him: I don’t know, can you?

Me: Right. Grammar.

Him: It’s important.

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Me: Not as important as where your heart is. Hey – if you did adopt a child – wouldn’t that be like taking a child away from their influence? Wouldn’t you in fact be taking a child and raising him to be less heteronormative?

Him: I don’t know. I just don’t know if I could take the heart break. What if the child turned out straight?

Me: Best case scenario she doesn’t.

Him: She? A girl? Jesus.

Me: Maybe a girl. Why not a girl?

Him: EW.

Me: No ew. I did some research. There’s sound evidence that girls are actually just people.

Him: EW. EWEWEWEWEW!!!

Me: No ew.

Him: Yes ew.

(pause)

Him: There’s gum under this table.

(pause)

Him: Starbucks.

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Datingadvice.com

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

IMG_1268eryc perez de tagle

Datingadvice.com  asked me to write a piece for them.

I wanted to talk about Grindr and Gay Dating.

I’ll post more about this in a few days, or you can click the link above.

I think we could all relax a little bit about Grindr. It’s just social networking.

I have met really great friends and lovers on social media.

Calm down a little, fags.

Winky-smile emoticon.

Grindr profile

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10 Best Gay Dating Bloggers

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

IMG_4042adam gardiner

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Datingadvice.com has been kind enough to name me one of the 10 Best Gay Dating Bloggers! 

This is an honor. Thanks guys. You’re the best.

March 2, 2011 Piefolklex millena

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Advice

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

IMG_9852adam gardiner

Hi

I came across your blog and I need advice. I am 28. That really doesnt matter, nevermind. Anyways, I met a guy through mutual friends 10 days ago. We hit it off BIG TIME. I will admit, at first I was not super into it, or wasn’t attracted at first but he came onto me and I just kept finding him more and more attractive until all the sudden BAM! he was the hottest mofo ever. We had INCREDIBLE SEX. Five times the first night. He was very sweet, texting me afterwards, non stop communicating etc. He is new to being gay/out. I am kinda too but he is newer. He asked me to hang two days later and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to or not and was still talking to other guys and I passed. We agreed to hang the next night..and when he got here to the city, he invited me to come hang at his friends place. These friends are two older guys (in a relationship) that he has had sex with. So, naturally I got a little turned off and made other plans. We drunkenly made plans to meet up later that night, which was a bad idea because we were both getting intoxicated and that stuff falls through and I realize this. Needless to say, he didnt pull through and I got a little pissed off and sent some text. He called me five times that night, apologized the next day (thanksgiving). I got over it, he came over and we had more amazing passionate sex. Its not a connection I normally experience. IT feels like love to me, as crazy as that sounds but Im not naive. I know its not realistic to believe that. We just have very passionate, loving hot encounters. I feel very close to him, naturally. I seriously just wanna own this kids body and hole. Love kissing him. He had only bottomed three other times before me so you can imagine my pleasure. I also went ahead and sat on his cock too. IT was amazing. Then, the next day neither of us texted eachother. I texted him saturday and he texted back four hours later. That was cool, we chatted. I told him I was out with a bud. This bud is actually a guy I have been seeing since July but we have never had sex. He is a virgin. This same bud asks me to be his boyfriend that evening and I say no. ITs crazy cuz two months ago that is all I wanted and now I do not. I feel like Ive lost interest. That is a separate story.

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Anyways, we communicate Sunday and I guess as this point I was feeling a distance from the new guy that Im crazy about. I end up completely overreacting to his text. I guess I felt like he wasn’t being as sweet or as present as he was originally and I said something like “Whats up with you dude? Did you enjoy yourself the other night”? (knowing that he did). He said he was tired and laying down after work. I said “I dont have time for this bullshit.” Or something to that effect. I was just being a total spaz for no reason..for the second time and we had only known eachother less than a wk. So then I send a long “Im sorry Im being crazy” text, telling him I like him alot and I havent felt that way for anyone in a while and that I want to take him out. He told me he liked me the second time we hung out. I told him I did too, so this was not news. I then follow that text up by saying that Jordan asked me to be his boyfriend and that i was just very confused and acting irrationally. He then responds by saying it all threw him off but that he isn’t looking to jump into a relationship but has a good time with me etc. I then counteract by saying that I think we should just be friends and that I love Jordan and blah blah blah .A bunch of absolute bullshit!!! This was basically an outright lie to make myself unavailable and to make him want me. I will admit I could sense some disappointment which is what I wanted. I am a twisted fuck. Then, I go on to tell him how hot Jordan is (which he is pretty sexy) as he asked what he looks like and I tell him that he and I can only be bro’s, as to make myself unavailable and to make him want me. I am a DOUCHE. This kinda thing works though, sadly. Anyways, so I then tell him I really like him though and I Want him to know that and he says he likes me too and that he just is living life right now not looking for a relationship. I never once told him I wanted to be with him so idk why he keep saying it. Then I say it doesnt matter anyways as Jordan is in my life..and he says “exactly” and then I Say “but it does matter to me” and he says “I care but…” and then I say “what?”.. and he says nevermind man and then never tells me what he is gonna say! I then texted him trying to get him out of it quite a few times (I had been drinking). I then just restate what I had said, saying that depsite Jordan, I do like him a lot and that I care and that it matters and that I am just very confused. (obviously!) I then send him a sexy pic and refer to myself as the “whip nip” lol with a wink face. I then apologize again for being such a crazy ass and tell him that he just has that effect on me. He texted me the next morning and said he had been sleeping as he had to work at 5am, which he does work super early. At this point, I had worried so much about it that I didnt respond for twelve hours and all I said was “I worked all day, Im exhausted. I was drunk”. We have not communicated at all since. He never responded to my response. I am wondering what he is thinking. I keep telling myself to just give it time and space as we met a week ago and it got hot and heavy fast. I dont want to tell him Im not really with Jordan or that I am not going to be with Jordan because it will just be obvious and I will be putting it all out there. I do think this guy likes me and I think it may be salvageable despite my erratic behavior. What do I do? I already know that I will cut this crap out, for sure. ITs not even me. I was just blindsided. I am so fucking into him. Even weirder because initially I did not think I would be. What do I do or say? help. Ps- I am a pretty attractive guy with a nice body, if that makes any sort of difference and he really seems to like it..as well as my dick. Should I wait? How do I appear non crazy and express my interest while at the same time not making myself totally available? Help! 😦

– dan

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Dear Dan,

Thanks for reading and thanks for asking my advice. Here it is:

Paragraph breaks, in your emails. I think it will change your life.

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Oh, I thought of more advice. Give up on this relationship. Seriously. Scrap it. Next time you have one, don’t dick the other guy around by playing stupid mind games.

You coming clean will just reveal you as the crazy mess you are. It won’t solve anything, or make you look adorable. Just scrap this relationship and stop being a selfish idiot.

Someone’s feelings are at stake. Yes, I know you think I mean YOURS, but I actually mean the other person’s. If you can learn that, you can get over yourself and actually fall in love. If not, keep getting drunk and fucking everyone forever. That’s not the worst life either.

Oh yeah, and stop using ‘I was drunk’ as an excuse for any sort of behavior. Nobody cares you were drunk, only that you acted like an asshole.

I’m sure you’re a nice guy at heart. I’m sure your intentions are in the right place. However, it’s time the world learned that intentions are all well and good, but actions make the world go round. I’m sure Andy Dick had good intentions when he started doing comedy, and look what happened.

Being in love means putting the other person first (at least sometimes).

Jerk.

P.S. I’m serious about those paragraph breaks. It will organize your thoughts and change your life. Or at least make mine easier, next time.

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Advice

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos: kristen yoonsoo kim

Michael,

I am a 23 year old virgin… and I am madly in love with a 20 year old young man, who some have labelled as a prostitute. He is probably my best friend, and gives me everything I could want out of a relationship just being my friend. However he has never displayed any interest in me even though early in our friendship I expressed my feelings for him. I have a connection with him that I have never felt before with someone and I want him around for the rest of my life. I have known him for nearly a year now and I feel that telling him I was a virgin before I knew I liked him ruined my chances of him ever being attracted to me. I do everything for him and would do anything he asked because that is just the person I am, however I see him sell his body to men old enough to be his father and then fall in love with them. I have stood by him many times while this has happened and my heart has broken every time. Occasionally I am able to get rid of my feelings I have for him and respect our friendship, but then he will do something nice for me like wash a sweater I left at his house or cook for me and all my feelings come rushing back. He keeps a photo of one of the men who flew him out to Denmark to sleep with him next to his bed. Every time I see that picture, I fall apart.

I do everything for him, because as a person that is just the way I am with all my friends. I don’t have many so this is not a problem. I have bought most of his clothes, I buy his groceries, I cut his mother’s lawn, I drive him everywhere, I pay all expenses when we are together, and I try to look after the people important to him. He does not do anything for me, but the fact that he thinks of me wants me with him all the time means so much to me. He is the person I had saved my body and heart for, yet he is not interested. If it was because he did not find me attractive, I could handle that. However I have seen the men he sleeps with and he himself told me he finds me attractive but does not know why he does not like me. The amounts of pain I feel when I see him try and give his heart to men who only want him for sex kills me. It seems all it takes is for a relatively attractive guy to meet him and express sexual interest in him and he falls in love. I have ruined my chances at doing that, because if it goes wrong, I lose him as a friend. At one point I was going to start sleeping with some of the men who have been trying to sleep with me for years to seem more appealing. But other friends talked me out of it.

My question is…. I believe I am reading into some of his actions and it gives me hope he may one day want me. I have shared a bed with him on a few occasions, and during the night I would sleep turned away from him and in his sleep he would call my name and spoon and kiss the back of my neck. I never mentioned it to him because I thought it might make things awkward. In his relationships, he never instigates sex. Guys come to him. But on a few occasions he has oddly lit candles and snuggled up to me while watching a movie. His family members tell him he is stupid for not snatching me up. Also one night when I was driving him home, he brought up the topic of why I haven’t had sex yet and got upset when I said I would only sleep with someone I was in a relationship with. My question is; should I stay around and hope that one day he realizes that I am a good man and would do anything for him? Or should I try and come on to him sexually and hope this works for me like it has for all the other men? If I am going to cut him out of my life, I might as well go out with a bang right? I know he will never appreciate that I have saved my body just for him; the mental connection we share is far too intense to deny my attraction. I recently drove him out of town to move him into university, and now that he is far away I feel like I am dying on the inside. I am at the point where I cannot live with him, and I certainly cannot live without him.

I know this will probably read as a jumbled mess, but that is what I am at the moment…

 

Thanks for Piefolk and Best Regards,

Jeff

Jeff,

Thanks for writing. I hope the tone of my advice doesn’t seem harsh, but honestly, it seems like you need a kick in the pants even more than your friend.

Okay, firstly, let me answer your questions:

1) Should you stay around and hope he realizes you’re good and would do anything for him?

NO. He already realizes this. He is a selfish creature who’s allowed you do buy him things and provide for him. He already knows he can get you to do anything for him without even using his main bartering tool – sex. As far as him realizing you’re ‘good,’ don’t hold your breath. It sounds like he’s a sociopath. Sociopaths are frequently very charismatic and charming, but to a sociopath the word ‘good’ is synonymous with the word ‘weak.’ Just means he can take more advantage.

2) Should you try to come on to him sexually and hope it works point blank like it has with other men?

NO. You’ve already described  a situation that you don’t have any respect for, and now you want to try to add an element of sex to your one-sided relationship. You can bet as soon as you have sex with him, he’ll ask you to lend him money, or buy him something, and you, being a fantastic push-over, will give him whatever he wants. In effect, you’ll be participating in the prostitution of your friend that you’re so much in love with. Yuck. Is that how you want your virginity taken? By a blood sucking tick who sees it as a transaction? Ugh. I hope not.

There’s a larger issue here though, and it’s not with your friend, Jeff – it’s with you. You need to stop being such a door mat. Get rid of your ‘provider’ complex. Most people don’t buy groceries and clothing for their ‘friends.’ You offhandedly toss out that information like it’s normal. It isn’t.

That type of love (where you sacrifice your own happiness and well being for the sake of someone else) is called unconditional love. And it should be reserved for your children and possibly your parents. That’s it.

A prospective lover should have to prove their worth to you, because you’re worth being with. That’s called valuing yourself, and by making yourself the commodity, you’ll make a perspective partner know that pursuing you is worth something. Not just a transaction.

Honestly, Jeff, answering this letter has made me feel more than a little icky. It sounds to me like a habitual martyr has met up with a chronic taker. And the perfect storm of non-functional co-dependance has been established. I’m glad to hear he’s gone away to university. The farther the better.

You’re 23. It might be time to get laid, and get it over with. Or, it might be time to make a resolution that you’re going to wait for love. That’s up to you. But stop thinking that a relationship is you providing for someone. Start making them work for it a little. Feels good to be chased.

Get far, far away from your prostitute friend. And stay there. There’s nothing wrong with sex work, in my book, but he isn’t fucking you. Except for fucking with your head.