Datingadvice.com has been kind enough to name me one of the 10 Best Gay Dating Bloggers!
This is an honor. Thanks guys. You’re the best.
tales of urban alienation from america's favorite chronic-hypomaniac
Datingadvice.com has been kind enough to name me one of the 10 Best Gay Dating Bloggers!
This is an honor. Thanks guys. You’re the best.
Me: What’s being a porn actor like? What about your fans?
Dale: Well, actually most of what I do now is basically research and reading. I have a wish list that my fans can sort of provide my reading material for me. The wish list is very common for adult films, for fans to get things for the actors. I only have books on there. It keeps me very busy reading and writing notes.
Kevin: Wow! Where are these ‘wish lists?’
Dale: It’s on Amazon. I actually feel kinda bad – there’s a really awesome communist bookstore in Baltimore called Red Emma’s. (Shout out!) I was hoping to get them to be the purveyors of the books, but them being a small business… they can’t. You can’t argue with the convenience of Amazon.
Me: If you get any bigger will you put cars on your list?
Dale: I made a decision to just have it be books.
Me: Yeah, but those things grow and change and evolve as you grow as an artist!
Dale: Well if anyone out there has a couple thousand dollars lying around they don’t need!
Me: There you go! NOW you’re being a capitalist! So, Kevin – you’ve been able to sort of ask the universe for something and get it on your podcast, right?
Kevin: Yes indeed. RISK – the whole idea is that people come on and tell stories that they can’t tell anywhere else. You couldn’t tell them on NPR or you’re not even supposed to share in mixed company – some of the stories are really emotional, some are X-rated and some are just… ridiculous!
Kevin: I have told a few stories about my recent explorations into kink and there was an episode several months back where I said, oh, let me just put this out there: I would really love a naked Asian housecleaning boy.
Me: AND YOU GOT ONE!
Kevin: And I got one. Now you have to understand there’s a context here. BDSM service kink is common. There are a lot of people who are into cleaning your house and getting a sexual charge out of it. The Asian part – that was just part of my own personal, you know… I’m attracted to Asian guys.
Me: You and I share an appreciation for Asian faces and bodies.
Kevin: Well I felt bad, because it sounded like I was saying… you know, ‘I want an Asian to come clean my house.’
Me: Did it? Because, if you were into gingers and said that no one would blink, right?
Kevin: Right. Right, right. What I meant was I would like someone who was into this sort of thing to contact me. A kid from Malaysia did! He was 23 years old… was going to be a student at Parsons. He was like, I’m moving to the States, I’m super into this, I saw you also on the BDSM sites. Let’s start having Skype sessions and talk about how we can make this happen! And… he did move in with me about a month later, and you know what? I was too… damn… nice.
Kevin: Once he moved in with me, I was like – here is a 23 year-old student who is new to the United States and I just started encouraging him. I was like, you know, I’m poly – you should probably give dating guys your own age a shot. I just kept encouraging him to do nice things and I think I dropped out of the zone of being mean and domineering.
Dale: You weren’t fulfilling the sexual needs of your Malaysian slave boy.
Me: “I didn’t come all the way from Malaysia to get a mommy, now let’s make with the butt smacks!!!”
Kevin: Well that’s the thing. When it comes to kink, I’m very good at improvising. I’m good at going into the scene. We were enjoying sex together, but otherwise I wasn’t a 24/7 hard ass asshole to him and I think he grew bored with me.
Me: Can I ask a question?
Me: How clean was the apartment?
Kevin: That’s the other thing; it was purely practical. I’m terrible at keeping the apartment clean!
Dale: And he was very good at it.
Kevin: Yeah, and I know a lot of ProDoms who are women, who – there are straight guys lining up out the door to clean their apartment – who pay them! Who pay the women! So I’m like, why should I be paying a Latina woman down the street, when I can find a dude who gets off on it?
Me: Right. To qualify, you live in a [predominately] Latina neighborhood?
Me: I wanted to qualify that Kevin doesn’t think….
Kevin: I actually do have a Latina woman who cleans the apartment now.
Kevin: And there’s no sex involved.
Me: At least, not yet.
Here’s the very first PIECAST with Colby Keller, Adam Gardiner, Karl Marxxx and myself. We chat about overcoming shame, radicalizing gay rights, being a porn star, and adopting Asian babies. Along the way we manage to redefine what it means to be a ‘gay hero.’ All while baking a nice pie.
Download the episode here: https://soundcloud.com/pariswages/piecast-01-colby-keller
Enjoy the podcast, Jerks.
Me: Talk about overcoming shame about your body?
Him: Eventually you realize [porn] is not having sex with someone you want to have sex with. It’s a job. It took me a while to get past those anxieties. Now it’s like, maybe I’m concerned with how my body is positioned for the camera.
Me: (to the photographer) Adam, speak to this. A model must be both aware and unaware of their body at the same time. True or False?
The Photographer: Yeah, but it’s about their generosity too. Of spirit and the quality of person that they are. It’s not about looks. When you’re good at it it’s because something generous about yourself translates. There’s something shared that you experience in the person. Caught in a moment. That’s the engaging part of a photograph.
Him: I think you really have to let go, and that’s a difficult thing to do.
Me: You shoot high fashion right?
The Photographer: I shoot – I don’t call it high fashion, but I do shoot highly commercial work. The thing that I became really good at was always photographing somebody in a way that they were flattered by, and kind of built them up and made them feel better. Somebody said that I try to look at people the way they would look in the eyes of someone in love with [the subject]. I’ve been very lucky.
Me: There was a moment in the shoot where you made us switch aprons. What was that about?
Him: Just to reassert myself as the alpha male.
Me: That’s the thing about being gay that I love. There can be four gays in a room and we know that each of us will have our moment to be alpha. With straight guys that would end up as a fight. It wouldn’t – there’s always one guy in a group of straight guys who’s a dick but ‘that’s his thing.’ Straight guys have that issue because they can’t [have sex with] each other. I wish they could! Wouldn’t they be perfect?
Him: Some of them do.
Me: How did you come to pornography?
Him: I just graduated college and curious and had trouble finding a job. I submitted pictures one night thinking they would tell me no, and they said yes. I felt like I had to do it, because it had happened.
Me: Just to let everyone know, he’s getting a hug from his boyfriend right now.
Him: You know, like when you’re afraid of heights and you climb a mountain. I had to do it. I had to push myself to that point.
Me: Why did you like to do it? Because you like to push buttons. You like to fuck with your mom and dad.
Him: No! It’s not about that. I like to fuck with my self, and challenge myself.
Me: Would you agree Karl Marx?
His Boyfriend: Oh of course. He hates nostalgia, and sitting on his laurels intellectually. He’s always looking for something new. He’s so focused on challenging himself artistically and intellectually. That’s why I fell in love with him. He’s so good at working against it. Entropy is always the enemy.
Me: Entropy is always the enemy and it always wins eventually. So we have to fight it.
His Boyfriend: While we’re here we have to fight it, but he’s a great person to ride behind, because he’s constantly pushing against it.
Me: I fucking love that.
Me: Do you see yourself as a role model?
Him: A role model? I don’t see myself as a role model, no.
Me: Really? Why not? You came out when you were 15. You have the guts to have sex with boys for a living while everyone watches… I think that does a lot more for gay rights than some sort of Victorian…
Him: I’m not going to pretend like it was something that it wasn’t. I came out because my parents discovered a big stash of porn that I had. I may have wanted them to find it but I wasn’t about to be mister responsible at 15 and say ‘Mom and Dad…’
Me: Right, but that’s the thing about life – it’s not about what happens, or circumstances, it’s how we deal with it. And you dealt with it in a very interesting way. I’ve done some research and I’ve seen the way you present yourself in the media, and I think you could consider yourself a role model. The idea of a porn star even-handedly guiding someone through a threesome is an important thing, because to ignore –
Him: Right. I think everyone has that responsibility to do that. To teach other people to make ourselves better human beings. People have that responsibility.
Me: No. We don’t. A lot of us don’t try. A lot of us are so selfish – you see that, right?
Him: A lot of us fail at that – I don’t think it should be considered special. It should be considered the norm.
Me: I like that. There’s a Victorian tenseness in the gay community about painting ourselves just like straight people. Can you speak to that? I think we’re different and better than straight people.
Him: It’s been a good strategy to make us more palatable to society at large. I don’t think we’re better [than straight people] because I think we should be more radical and we’re not. I don’t think [that gay marriage] is what our political struggle should be about. I think it’s about re-framing it in terms of queerness. I think it’s a ‘queer’ identity which anyone can have. You can be straight and be queer. The idea of conformity – the gays that say ‘I won’t be happy until I’m treated like every other straight person, and that includes marriage…’ not that that’s not something that doesn’t have value, or isn’t a good thing…
Me: It’s a civil rights issue.
Him: Right. But I don’t think that’s what our political struggle should be about. It’s about re-framing it in terms of queerness rather than something specific to our sexuality. Because there are a lot of really horrible gay men – let’s face it.
Me: Why are there so many horrible gay men, do you think?
Him: People want to be accepted. They struggle to give value to their lives. They’re afraid of being different and what that means, so they desperately struggle for conformity. That process (which isn’t unique to gay people by any means) – but I think that it’s something that’s very common. Because first of all, you are different. You’re not having sex like most people on the planet have sex – and instead of embracing that, and seeing where there’s value in that in a radical kind of way, they think of ways to make themselves normal again.
Me: And then they project that onto each other.
His boyfriend: That’s the big thing. The reinforcement and also control over everyone around you. You take your shame and you project it onto people who don’t want it.
Me: They don’t want your fucking shame! You don’t want your shame. Your shame was given to you by your family, and your church, and…
His boyfriend: Keep your shame. Keep it to yourself. Don’t force the rest of us to deal with it…
Me: Or find a good outlet? Like S&M. That’s a good outlet – because then we’ll all have an orgasm in then we’ll all go home and get our work done. I bar tended for a long time in the gay community and I can’t tell you how many times I heard phrases like ‘Ew, you went home with him? You know he’s a drag queen?!’ That’s so much shame… Self hatred.
Him: I think we’re taught to hate ourselves, but we’re also taught to like a certain thing. That’s what the market wants us to do. We need to be attracted to a certain type of body, you know?
His Boyfriend: Look at Ryan Murphy and all the mega-media shit that he’s putting out there right now. Where all gay men are supposed to live in Los Angeles, live in Mc Mansions, and be adopting Asian babies.
Me: Wait a minute. I want an Asian baby.
His Boyfriend: Okay, you can have an Asian baby, but where’s our media that’s cross class, like Roseanne?
Him: I think the thing that’s interesting to me is polygamy – most cultures in the world – that is the ideal relationship.
His Boyfriend: Look at Bill Clinton. When he had that affair, the world laughed at us. We almost shut our government down because he had sex with a younger woman. All the other cultures in the world were like, he should be fucking everything that moves.
Me: Because he needs to do that in order to maintain the ego it takes to run a fucking country!
His Boyfriend: Exactly!
photos by adam gardiner for the vice magazine salon party
I’m writing to invite you to a retreat I’m throwing at my house upstate. I’ve done this before with various levels of success. Basically I’m looking for a nice group of good looking men to join me for a fun weekend at my cabin in the Adirondacks. I will provide all of the food, and liquor. I also will provide the lodging, rent free. I’m a great cook and I plan on making a feast every night. Maybe you can even give me tips on my pies?
The only thing that I ask of my guests is that they spend a small amount of time each day kicking me in the nuts, or otherwise torturing my penis and testicles. Ever since I was very young I’ve been extremely turned on by being kicked or hit in the nuts. You can also feel free to step on my penis, or devise some other sort of way to humiliate or torture my junk.
A little about me: I’m 6ft and weigh about 260lbs. I’m a scruffy type, moderately hairy with a beard. I guess I qualify as a ‘Bear’ type, you could say. Bottom. I have a leather sling installed in my cabin and a number of ‘toys’ to play with, including butt plugs, dildos, and hand cuffs. You can feel free to use any of those toys on me, and I’m receptive to a variety of other types of sexual practices too.
I’m not selfish! I want to make sure you have a good time too.
Guests are of course free to sleep with each other as well, provided they spend the requisite time each day kicking me in the nuts. My cabin is central to lots of activities, including hiking and snow skiing. So bring your skis if you’re a snow bunny!
Please let me know if you’re interested and/or available to attend. Right now it’s looking like our next excursion is going to be the last weekend of January. I know – cold! But don’t worry, there’s a fireplace to keep us warm.
Thanks for writing in, and your generous offer. I’m unfortunately unavailable for this sort of retreat. Kicking you in the nuts for an hour a day is simply not my thing. While I think people getting kicked in the nuts is super funny, I’m not sure I could take it seriously sexually. The last thing you want at this retreat is me making wise-cracks or outright laughing as people fulfill your sexual desires.
Come to think of it, kicks in the nuts are only funny once in a while. Watching you get repeatedly assaulted in your junk might actually make me feel emotionally empathetic, or even squeamish. In any case, I’m relatively confident that I’m unable to sexualize the experience. Sorry!
Thanks for writing in, and happy holidays!
Him: Hey. It’s you again.
Me: That’s right. How has the party been?
Him: Great. It was great. You guys are great.
Me: Great. That’s great. So great.
Him: You’re an ass.
Me: I am.
Him: Sorry that was meant to be a joke. I meant to say, you have a nice ass.
Me: Thank you. I suppose everyone has seen it.
Him: That might be accurate. Good job keeping it in your shorts.
Me: So far.
Him: So far?
Me: The night’s not over. If I think I can get these homos to run around in their underwear, I might just do it.
Me: I mean. Yeah. I like when people act free.
(I touch his hair)
Me: You have amazing hair.
Him: Ha. Well now you say that?
Me: Yes. Now I say it.
Him: You were just hitting on the guy sitting next to me!
Me: Yeah I was. Not really though. But yeah. Kind of.
Him: Which is it?
Me: I flirt with everyone. I like affection. So I give a lot of it away, hoping the world will respond in kind.
Me: I doesn’t always mean I want to doink a guy, just cause i play with his earlobes at a party.
(I touch his ear lobes)
Him: Now you’re really an ass.
Me: You’re probably right. I won’t argue.
Me: I do my best.
Him: You succeed.
Me: What do you succeed at?
Him: I work in fashion. But the low end of it, not the high end. Think closer to Target than Gucci.
Me: These are KMart shoes.
Me: Thanks. Don’t be blinded by the glamor.
Him: Do my best. Hey, are those fake glasses?
Him: Why do you wear them?
Me: I don’t know. I started wearing them and then it became a point of controversy somehow, with some online losers, and I kind of refused to back off of it.
Him: It does seem inauthentic, somehow, no?
Me: Maybe. But, I don’t really like people telling me what I should do, especially if it’s something trivial like a pair of glasses. Especially internet strangers. Also, I think they look cute.
Him: Do you know what you should do?
Me: Please tell me. I love when strangers tell me what I should be doing.
Him: You should get a pair of glasses that are more expensive looking, to add an air of authenticity.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA!! I like that. I like that a lot.
Him: Really? What did I say?
Me: You’re in the fashion industry – low end – and you challenge my authenticity. First of all, that’s funny. Then, your solution to my problem of being inauthentic is to appear more authentic. I love that your advice wasn’t how to be more authentic, but rather to seem more authentic to other people, so as not to provoke their criticism.
Him: You love that advice?
Me: Yeah. It tickled me. I loved it. Says a lot about you.
Him: Does it?
Me: I think so. Says you value the appearance of authenticity, for sure.
Him: Ugh. No. Not this.
Me: Haha – what?
Him: This isn’t the conversation I’m having right now. It’s Saturday night.
Me: Back to giving me unsolicited fashion and branding advice?
Him: You’re hard to handle, huh?
Me: It’s hard being attracted to someone who’s annoying you.
Him: How did you know what I was thinking?
Me: I didn’t. I was thinking that about you.
Him: What did I do that was annoying??
Me: Do you remember earlier when you covered my mouth?
Him: It sounded like you were going somewhere bad with what you were saying.
Me: I was talking about oppressed minorities. I said “All oppressed minorities – Asians, Blacks, Gays,” and then you covered my mouth. Remember?
Him: There were black people listening.
Me: Yes. I know. I was aware of that.
Him: It sounded like you were going somewhere bad.
Me: I wasn’t. I was talking about how we form communities.
Him: Well I covered your mouth.
Me: I know. I registered that. I thought, hey, this guy is doing one of the most condescending things possible right now. Also, he’s super hot.
Him: Well. Sorry. And thank you.
Me: Eh. It’s a party. People are going to act weird. Didn’t you see me running around in an apron singing songs?
Him: Very true. Hey. I think I might be able to take you on one of those awkward dates sometime.
Me: I think you’re right.
Him: I’m great at awkward.
Me: I’m great at self defeating behavior. We could really fuck this date up, kiddo. Let’s do it!
Him: Okay. You’re on. One awkward date.
Me: You have no idea what you’re in for.
Photos by Adam Gardiner
VICE approached me about doing a PIEFOLK piece online.
I said, sure.
A reporter named Kristin Yoonsoo Kim came over. She hung out with me and a few friends while we baked and talked about religion, atheism, oppression and internet stalkers.
We made meat pies. Pulled pork braised with Kim chi, nectarines, and broccoli.
There was a salon party after. People showed up and ate pie, drank whiskey, and sang songs. There were comedy pieces. Poems were read. It was a lively evening.
Adam Gardiner was nice enough to take these photos. They are stunning.
Ben Lerman sang ukulele songs.
Marcos Sanchez played a few Thin Skin Jonny songs with me.
Will Choy read a comedy piece.
Robbie Fowler sang a Lady Gaga song, mashed up with Guns and Roses.
Kevin Michael Murphy sang from a musical comedy he wrote.
Jon Flor Sisante broke everyone’s hearts with this song:
Everyone had a blast, and there was singing and spontaneous ruckus raising afterward.
There was a good vibe in the air. People seemed generous and warm all night.
I was happy I’d invited the people I did.
Paolo Raymundo designed me a couture apron. I was so sheepish about it. It was flattering.
I’m grateful to Adam for these gorgeous photos. Thanks for making it an amazing party.
You guys were great.
Vice Magazine came over to cover one of my salon parties. Adam Gardiner was nice enough to take some publicity photos for me. I’ll write a longer post about it later tonight (I have a rehearsal and a show today) but I wanted to thank him for his work. You’re a kind, handsome fellow, Adam. Thanks.
More later, Jerks.