Advice

IMG_9852adam gardiner

Hi

I came across your blog and I need advice. I am 28. That really doesnt matter, nevermind. Anyways, I met a guy through mutual friends 10 days ago. We hit it off BIG TIME. I will admit, at first I was not super into it, or wasn’t attracted at first but he came onto me and I just kept finding him more and more attractive until all the sudden BAM! he was the hottest mofo ever. We had INCREDIBLE SEX. Five times the first night. He was very sweet, texting me afterwards, non stop communicating etc. He is new to being gay/out. I am kinda too but he is newer. He asked me to hang two days later and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to or not and was still talking to other guys and I passed. We agreed to hang the next night..and when he got here to the city, he invited me to come hang at his friends place. These friends are two older guys (in a relationship) that he has had sex with. So, naturally I got a little turned off and made other plans. We drunkenly made plans to meet up later that night, which was a bad idea because we were both getting intoxicated and that stuff falls through and I realize this. Needless to say, he didnt pull through and I got a little pissed off and sent some text. He called me five times that night, apologized the next day (thanksgiving). I got over it, he came over and we had more amazing passionate sex. Its not a connection I normally experience. IT feels like love to me, as crazy as that sounds but Im not naive. I know its not realistic to believe that. We just have very passionate, loving hot encounters. I feel very close to him, naturally. I seriously just wanna own this kids body and hole. Love kissing him. He had only bottomed three other times before me so you can imagine my pleasure. I also went ahead and sat on his cock too. IT was amazing. Then, the next day neither of us texted eachother. I texted him saturday and he texted back four hours later. That was cool, we chatted. I told him I was out with a bud. This bud is actually a guy I have been seeing since July but we have never had sex. He is a virgin. This same bud asks me to be his boyfriend that evening and I say no. ITs crazy cuz two months ago that is all I wanted and now I do not. I feel like Ive lost interest. That is a separate story.

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Anyways, we communicate Sunday and I guess as this point I was feeling a distance from the new guy that Im crazy about. I end up completely overreacting to his text. I guess I felt like he wasn’t being as sweet or as present as he was originally and I said something like “Whats up with you dude? Did you enjoy yourself the other night”? (knowing that he did). He said he was tired and laying down after work. I said “I dont have time for this bullshit.” Or something to that effect. I was just being a total spaz for no reason..for the second time and we had only known eachother less than a wk. So then I send a long “Im sorry Im being crazy” text, telling him I like him alot and I havent felt that way for anyone in a while and that I want to take him out. He told me he liked me the second time we hung out. I told him I did too, so this was not news. I then follow that text up by saying that Jordan asked me to be his boyfriend and that i was just very confused and acting irrationally. He then responds by saying it all threw him off but that he isn’t looking to jump into a relationship but has a good time with me etc. I then counteract by saying that I think we should just be friends and that I love Jordan and blah blah blah .A bunch of absolute bullshit!!! This was basically an outright lie to make myself unavailable and to make him want me. I will admit I could sense some disappointment which is what I wanted. I am a twisted fuck. Then, I go on to tell him how hot Jordan is (which he is pretty sexy) as he asked what he looks like and I tell him that he and I can only be bro’s, as to make myself unavailable and to make him want me. I am a DOUCHE. This kinda thing works though, sadly. Anyways, so I then tell him I really like him though and I Want him to know that and he says he likes me too and that he just is living life right now not looking for a relationship. I never once told him I wanted to be with him so idk why he keep saying it. Then I say it doesnt matter anyways as Jordan is in my life..and he says “exactly” and then I Say “but it does matter to me” and he says “I care but…” and then I say “what?”.. and he says nevermind man and then never tells me what he is gonna say! I then texted him trying to get him out of it quite a few times (I had been drinking). I then just restate what I had said, saying that depsite Jordan, I do like him a lot and that I care and that it matters and that I am just very confused. (obviously!) I then send him a sexy pic and refer to myself as the “whip nip” lol with a wink face. I then apologize again for being such a crazy ass and tell him that he just has that effect on me. He texted me the next morning and said he had been sleeping as he had to work at 5am, which he does work super early. At this point, I had worried so much about it that I didnt respond for twelve hours and all I said was “I worked all day, Im exhausted. I was drunk”. We have not communicated at all since. He never responded to my response. I am wondering what he is thinking. I keep telling myself to just give it time and space as we met a week ago and it got hot and heavy fast. I dont want to tell him Im not really with Jordan or that I am not going to be with Jordan because it will just be obvious and I will be putting it all out there. I do think this guy likes me and I think it may be salvageable despite my erratic behavior. What do I do? I already know that I will cut this crap out, for sure. ITs not even me. I was just blindsided. I am so fucking into him. Even weirder because initially I did not think I would be. What do I do or say? help. Ps- I am a pretty attractive guy with a nice body, if that makes any sort of difference and he really seems to like it..as well as my dick. Should I wait? How do I appear non crazy and express my interest while at the same time not making myself totally available? Help! 😦

– dan

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Dear Dan,

Thanks for reading and thanks for asking my advice. Here it is:

Paragraph breaks, in your emails. I think it will change your life.

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Oh, I thought of more advice. Give up on this relationship. Seriously. Scrap it. Next time you have one, don’t dick the other guy around by playing stupid mind games.

You coming clean will just reveal you as the crazy mess you are. It won’t solve anything, or make you look adorable. Just scrap this relationship and stop being a selfish idiot.

Someone’s feelings are at stake. Yes, I know you think I mean YOURS, but I actually mean the other person’s. If you can learn that, you can get over yourself and actually fall in love. If not, keep getting drunk and fucking everyone forever. That’s not the worst life either.

Oh yeah, and stop using ‘I was drunk’ as an excuse for any sort of behavior. Nobody cares you were drunk, only that you acted like an asshole.

I’m sure you’re a nice guy at heart. I’m sure your intentions are in the right place. However, it’s time the world learned that intentions are all well and good, but actions make the world go round. I’m sure Andy Dick had good intentions when he started doing comedy, and look what happened.

Being in love means putting the other person first (at least sometimes).

Jerk.

P.S. I’m serious about those paragraph breaks. It will organize your thoughts and change your life. Or at least make mine easier, next time.

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Advice

photos: kristen yoonsoo kim

Michael,

I am a 23 year old virgin… and I am madly in love with a 20 year old young man, who some have labelled as a prostitute. He is probably my best friend, and gives me everything I could want out of a relationship just being my friend. However he has never displayed any interest in me even though early in our friendship I expressed my feelings for him. I have a connection with him that I have never felt before with someone and I want him around for the rest of my life. I have known him for nearly a year now and I feel that telling him I was a virgin before I knew I liked him ruined my chances of him ever being attracted to me. I do everything for him and would do anything he asked because that is just the person I am, however I see him sell his body to men old enough to be his father and then fall in love with them. I have stood by him many times while this has happened and my heart has broken every time. Occasionally I am able to get rid of my feelings I have for him and respect our friendship, but then he will do something nice for me like wash a sweater I left at his house or cook for me and all my feelings come rushing back. He keeps a photo of one of the men who flew him out to Denmark to sleep with him next to his bed. Every time I see that picture, I fall apart.

I do everything for him, because as a person that is just the way I am with all my friends. I don’t have many so this is not a problem. I have bought most of his clothes, I buy his groceries, I cut his mother’s lawn, I drive him everywhere, I pay all expenses when we are together, and I try to look after the people important to him. He does not do anything for me, but the fact that he thinks of me wants me with him all the time means so much to me. He is the person I had saved my body and heart for, yet he is not interested. If it was because he did not find me attractive, I could handle that. However I have seen the men he sleeps with and he himself told me he finds me attractive but does not know why he does not like me. The amounts of pain I feel when I see him try and give his heart to men who only want him for sex kills me. It seems all it takes is for a relatively attractive guy to meet him and express sexual interest in him and he falls in love. I have ruined my chances at doing that, because if it goes wrong, I lose him as a friend. At one point I was going to start sleeping with some of the men who have been trying to sleep with me for years to seem more appealing. But other friends talked me out of it.

My question is…. I believe I am reading into some of his actions and it gives me hope he may one day want me. I have shared a bed with him on a few occasions, and during the night I would sleep turned away from him and in his sleep he would call my name and spoon and kiss the back of my neck. I never mentioned it to him because I thought it might make things awkward. In his relationships, he never instigates sex. Guys come to him. But on a few occasions he has oddly lit candles and snuggled up to me while watching a movie. His family members tell him he is stupid for not snatching me up. Also one night when I was driving him home, he brought up the topic of why I haven’t had sex yet and got upset when I said I would only sleep with someone I was in a relationship with. My question is; should I stay around and hope that one day he realizes that I am a good man and would do anything for him? Or should I try and come on to him sexually and hope this works for me like it has for all the other men? If I am going to cut him out of my life, I might as well go out with a bang right? I know he will never appreciate that I have saved my body just for him; the mental connection we share is far too intense to deny my attraction. I recently drove him out of town to move him into university, and now that he is far away I feel like I am dying on the inside. I am at the point where I cannot live with him, and I certainly cannot live without him.

I know this will probably read as a jumbled mess, but that is what I am at the moment…

 

Thanks for Piefolk and Best Regards,

Jeff

Jeff,

Thanks for writing. I hope the tone of my advice doesn’t seem harsh, but honestly, it seems like you need a kick in the pants even more than your friend.

Okay, firstly, let me answer your questions:

1) Should you stay around and hope he realizes you’re good and would do anything for him?

NO. He already realizes this. He is a selfish creature who’s allowed you do buy him things and provide for him. He already knows he can get you to do anything for him without even using his main bartering tool – sex. As far as him realizing you’re ‘good,’ don’t hold your breath. It sounds like he’s a sociopath. Sociopaths are frequently very charismatic and charming, but to a sociopath the word ‘good’ is synonymous with the word ‘weak.’ Just means he can take more advantage.

2) Should you try to come on to him sexually and hope it works point blank like it has with other men?

NO. You’ve already described  a situation that you don’t have any respect for, and now you want to try to add an element of sex to your one-sided relationship. You can bet as soon as you have sex with him, he’ll ask you to lend him money, or buy him something, and you, being a fantastic push-over, will give him whatever he wants. In effect, you’ll be participating in the prostitution of your friend that you’re so much in love with. Yuck. Is that how you want your virginity taken? By a blood sucking tick who sees it as a transaction? Ugh. I hope not.

There’s a larger issue here though, and it’s not with your friend, Jeff – it’s with you. You need to stop being such a door mat. Get rid of your ‘provider’ complex. Most people don’t buy groceries and clothing for their ‘friends.’ You offhandedly toss out that information like it’s normal. It isn’t.

That type of love (where you sacrifice your own happiness and well being for the sake of someone else) is called unconditional love. And it should be reserved for your children and possibly your parents. That’s it.

A prospective lover should have to prove their worth to you, because you’re worth being with. That’s called valuing yourself, and by making yourself the commodity, you’ll make a perspective partner know that pursuing you is worth something. Not just a transaction.

Honestly, Jeff, answering this letter has made me feel more than a little icky. It sounds to me like a habitual martyr has met up with a chronic taker. And the perfect storm of non-functional co-dependance has been established. I’m glad to hear he’s gone away to university. The farther the better.

You’re 23. It might be time to get laid, and get it over with. Or, it might be time to make a resolution that you’re going to wait for love. That’s up to you. But stop thinking that a relationship is you providing for someone. Start making them work for it a little. Feels good to be chased.

Get far, far away from your prostitute friend. And stay there. There’s nothing wrong with sex work, in my book, but he isn’t fucking you. Except for fucking with your head.

Couple Things

Drawing by Brendan Lahey

Hey Michael,

Before we get into me, let’s talk about how amazing PIEFOLK is.  It deserves to always be spelled in caps and in bold letters because it makes me smile. Your food is delicious and the friends you cook with seem like a great bunch. Thank you for being as sarcastic and funny as always and bringing joy to my RSS feed.

Now, what I’d love some insight on is my initiative with guys. I seem to always be the one to put forth effort into wanting to hang out and make plans. I’m not one to play games and maybe that’s here the problem lies? I don’t want to do some dance of withholding emotions in lieu of just saying what I’m thinking/feeling. At first I thought maybe I was just too available, even though that’s a subjective opinion but I feel maybe I just make time for people I think are worthy of it and maybe I shouldn’t hand out my free time so easily? Another thought of mine is maybe I’m not so secretly attracted to the guys who aren’t as up front about how they feel and like to play games and lead me on. Maybe I just have too many questions and am in my head too much?

Hit me with your best remedy for a summer of less time given away to those not interested and possibly your thoughts on how to avoid the pattern in the future?


J

J,

Thanks for all your nice compliments.  It’s really encouraging to hear people talk like that about my site.  Thank you.  Sincerely.

Okay, so you pride yourself that you’re not the type of person to play games.  Great,  that’s refreshing to hear.  But most people like to play courtship games.  They like the subtle mating dance that seems to go along with dating someone.  It’s okay for you to opt out of that, but that just means you’re going to have to search a little harder to find the person you’re looking for:  another person who doesn’t play games.

Are you making yourself too available?  I’d suspect that you’re probably telegraphing your availability too much, too soon after meeting someone.  Mind you, that’s only a feeling I’m getting after reading a letter.  But you might be sending out ‘I like you – let’s give this a try’ vibes that are being interpreted as being more needy than you intend them to be.  You don’t want someone to feel like they’ve nailed it down by the end of the second date.  Because most people want more of a challenge than that.  They want to discover they like you slowly, over time.

It could be that you’re really good at pinpointing the type of person/personality that you gel with, but if you really want to keep from screwing the pooch, err on the side of making yourself the commodity.  Make the other person prove to you that they would be a good boyfriend.  Take a month and play the field.  Kiss as many boys as possible, and see who’s calling and what your options are.

Why zero in on one person and make them the object deserving all your affection? Make the person that eventually gets all of you prove they deserve it. Remember.  You’re the commodity.  You’re the hot ticket item.  I’m not saying to act arrogant (I’ll take care of that for both of us), I’m saying to act confident.  You’re a strong, vibrant young man.

When it becomes apparent that the right young man has manifested in your life, take a deep breath and take it slow.

Until then, play the field.

Jerk.

xoxoxoxo,

Michael