Him: Ew. I can’t believe you took me to Starbucks.
Me: You’re welcome.
Him: Did it sound like I was thanking you?
Me: Oh, no – not by any means. But I did pay for your Chai tea.
Him: Wow. I guess you want a hand job now or something?
Me: Uh. No. That’s fine.
Him: I give good hand jobs.
Me: That’s great.
Him: Oh, sorry – maybe you want to go have procreative sex with a woman instead.
Me: I can assure you that I don’t want to do that. Well… Maybe…
Him: EWAREYOUSERIOUS?
Me: I mean, I don’t necessarily want to have sex with a woman. I’ve just been feeling a tug toward raising a kid lately. It’s not even a real thing. I don’t have the money I would need to raise a kiddo.
Him: Let me guess, you work with straight people too.
Me: I work with a mix of people, but yes, they’re mostly straight.
Him: Ew.
Me: Ew?
Him: Ew, I find that distasteful. Everyone I work with is gay, on purpose.
Me: What?
Him: We only hire gay people. Plus, one black lady we thought was a lesbian but just had a short haircut.
Me: You only hire gay people to work in your graphic design department?
Him: That’s right.
Me: That’s illegal.
(long pause)
Him: I suppose you work alongside straight people.
Me: I do.
Him: Shudder. Did you like that? I’m announcing my shudder.
Me: I…
Him: How can you do that? How can you work with them?
Me: I have to? I do comedy. I don’t know of many comedy venues that are solely LGBT.
Him: You could be a drag queen.
Me: With these shoulders? Hardly.
Him: Hahahahaha! You said something funny! I’m surprised.
(long pause)
Me: Thanks.
Him: I can’t do it. I can’t work alongside them. No. No, thanks. They’re so privileged and they don’t even know it. They’re awful.
Me: They’re wonderful.
Him: Don’t they say condescending things?
Me: No. They’re usually supportive.
Him: What about when you mention gay rights?
Me: I don’t think very many of them are connected to the issue.
Him: Right. And I suppose you don’t remind them of the reality? That most teen suicides are gay teen suicides? That, in most states, the family will take an inherited estate away from a long term gay partner? That there’s still no such thing as federal immigration equality when dealing with international gay marriage? That they still beat, intimidate, and lynch us all across the country?
Me: That’s not water cooler talk.
(pause)
Me: It’s worse in some countries.
Him: Yeah, it is. In Jamaica they’ll straight up kill you, and not go to jail, but is that something I should be thankful for? Should I thank the straight police officer for not lynching me on my way to work? And what about adoption rights? Statistically, it’s more difficult for gay men to adopt children than any other minority group – and that’s a world wide statistic. Never mind the countries where if you’re admittedly gay, adoption is simply out of the question.
Me: Isn’t it a little easier if you’re interested in adopting a non-white baby? Can’t you foster to adopt?
Him: Yes. You can take an AIDS baby from Africa, or a kleptomaniac ten year old from Appalachia if you want. You can have anything the straight people don’t want. You can cut their hair. You can cut their lawn. You can decorate their house. But then you have to get out.
Me: I…
Him: You have to get the fuck out! They don’t want you. They think you’re disgusting. Because your love isn’t good enough. Your love isn’t worth as much – or anything! You don’t get to have the same basic rights and protections they do because they think they’re better than you. No. No thanks. I won’t do it. I won’t work alongside them. Bad enough I have to look at them on the subway.
Me: Hey. I get it. I have anger too.
Him: Anger? Anger. Fuck your anger. That doesn’t even begin to cover my outrage. I’m livid. I’m crawling out of my skin I’m so disgusted with them.
Me: They don’t all believe those things you said.
Him: Most of them do.
Me: How do you know?
Him: LOOK AT THE LAWS THEY MAKE AGAINST US. Are you an idiot?
Me: Only professionally.
Him: Well, I don’t know what I can do to help you. If you can’t see what’s right in front of your face then ‘professional idiot’ might be the best move for you.
Me: Hey –
Him: No. Go hang out with your masters. Go lick the boot pressed firmly against your neck.
Me: That sounds pretty dramatic.
Him: What do you want from me?
Me: I just want to talk.
Him: Well are you happy? We talked. Thanks for the shitty Chai. I’m leaving now.
(pause)
Him: Jerk.
PIEFOLK 