Dan Paul Roberts

Salon Party II

July 26, 2011July 26, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him: Hey. It’s you again.

Me: That’s right. How has the party been?

Him: Great. It was great. You guys are great.

Me: Great. That’s great. So great.

Him: You’re an ass.

Me: I am.

marcos sanchez

Him: Sorry that was meant to be a joke. I meant to say, you have a nice ass.

Me: Thank you. I suppose everyone has seen it.

Him: That might be accurate. Good job keeping it in your shorts.

Me: So far.

Him: So far?

Me: The night’s not over. If I think I can get these homos to run around in their underwear, I might just do it.

Him: Really?

Me: I mean. Yeah. I like when people act free.

Him: Okay.

dan paul roberts

adam gardiner’s spoken word

(I touch his hair)

Me: You have amazing hair.

Him: Ha. Well now you say that?

Me: Yes. Now I say it.

Him: You were just hitting on the guy sitting next to me!

Me: Yeah I was. Not really though. But yeah. Kind of.

Him: Which is it?

Me: I flirt with everyone. I like affection. So I give a lot of it away, hoping the world will respond in kind.

paolo raymundo

robbie and jeffrey

Him: Hm…

Me: I doesn’t always mean I want to doink a guy, just cause i play with his earlobes at a party.

(I touch his ear lobes)

Him: Now you’re really an ass.

Me: You’re probably right. I won’t argue.

Him: Good.

Me: I do my best.

Him: You succeed.

stephen slate

Me: What do you succeed at?

Him: I work in fashion. But the low end of it, not the high end. Think closer to Target than Gucci.

Me: These are KMart shoes.

(pause)

Him: Lovely.

Me: Thanks. Don’t be blinded by the glamor.

Him: Do my best. Hey, are those fake glasses?

Me: Yes.

Him: Why do you wear them?

Me: I don’t know. I started wearing them and then it became a point of controversy somehow, with some online losers, and I kind of refused to back off of it.

Him: It does seem inauthentic, somehow, no?

Me: Maybe. But, I don’t really like people telling me what I should do, especially if it’s something trivial like a pair of glasses. Especially internet strangers. Also, I think they look cute.

Him: Do you know what you should do?

Me: Please tell me. I love when strangers tell me what I should be doing.

Him: You should get a pair of glasses that are more expensive looking, to add an air of authenticity.

(long pause)

Me: HAHAHAHAHA!! I like that. I like that a lot.

Him: Really? What did I say?

Me: You’re in the fashion industry – low end – and you challenge my authenticity. First of all, that’s funny. Then, your solution to my problem of being inauthentic is to appear more authentic. I love that your advice wasn’t how to be more authentic, but rather to seem more authentic to other people, so as not to provoke their criticism.

Him: You love that advice?

Me: Yeah. It tickled me. I loved it. Says a lot about you.

Him: Does it?

Me: I think so. Says you value the appearance of authenticity, for sure.

Him: Ugh. No. Not this.

Me: Haha – what?

Him: This isn’t the conversation I’m having right now. It’s Saturday night.

Me: Back to giving me unsolicited fashion and branding advice?

Him: You’re hard to handle, huh?

Me: It’s hard being attracted to someone who’s annoying you.

Him: How did you know what I was thinking?

Me: I didn’t. I was thinking that about you.

Him: What did I do that was annoying??

Me: Do you remember earlier when you covered my mouth?

Him: It sounded like you were going somewhere bad with what you were saying.

Me: I was talking about oppressed minorities. I said “All oppressed minorities – Asians, Blacks, Gays,” and then you covered my mouth. Remember?

Him: There were black people listening.

Me: Yes. I know. I was aware of that.

Him: It sounded like you were going somewhere bad.

Me: I wasn’t. I was talking about how we form communities.

Him: Well I covered your mouth.

Me: I know. I registered that. I thought, hey, this guy is doing one of the most condescending things possible right now. Also, he’s super hot.

Him: Well. Sorry. And thank you.

Me: Eh. It’s a party. People are going to act weird. Didn’t you see me running around in an apron singing songs?

Him: Very true. Hey. I think I might be able to take you on one of those awkward dates sometime.

Me: I think you’re right.

Him: I’m great at awkward.

Me: I’m great at self defeating behavior. We could really fuck this date up, kiddo. Let’s do it!

Him: Okay. You’re on. One awkward date.

Me: You have no idea what you’re in for.

Revolution

June 20, 2011June 20, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

(drawing by Dan Paul Roberts)

“The first thing they had to realize was that all of them were brothers; oppression made them brothers; exploitation made them brothers; degradation made them brothers; discrimination made them brothers; segregation made them brothers; humiliation made them brothers.”

– Malcolm X.

A few years ago the (then) members of Thin Skin Jonny made a video. I make them say ‘Join the Revolution’ at the end. It used to be the tagline for my blog.

What an idiot.

“Join the Revolution.” Like I’m Stalin or something. Ha.

Even so…

It feels weird to revisit. So Sophomoric, even. Like some advertizing slogan they come up with to sell a product they don’t believe in…

“Nike – Just Do It.” (What? Just. Do. What? What do you mean?)

“Coke is IT.” (Of course it is. It’s one of two options. Of course Coke Is It. It’s the only choice half the time.)

“Join the Revolution.” (Really?? Should we?? Should we join a Revolt about Pie and Gayness, and Respect?)

Even so. There is a revolution brewing. I feel it.

We’re not going to stay in our Gay ghettos anymore.

Chelsea. San Fransisco. Miami. They are out of date.

They have no more meaning to us. We are you. And you are us. Get used to us. We are your Gay brothers, children, teachers, community leaders….

We’re coming out into the world. And we’re going to infect you with our Gayness.

Sorry, straights. I know you’re stressed out and important, and you have all those kids to worry about. Sorry.

(I’m not at all sorry)

Digest this: We (the Gays) are Brothers and Sisters and we are strong. You will reckon with us. You will stop giving us your shame and judgement. You will. You will stop. We won’t accept it anymore.

You.

Will.

Stop.

~~Thank you, Straights.~~

~~You guys are awesome.~~

~~We hate you and think you’re inferior.~~

~~Just kidding, we love you.~~

Jerks.

Hallelujah

May 29, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Dan Paul and Robbie came over for some singing.

We covered a Leonard Cohen song.

Enjoy the holiday, Jerks.

Spicy Mexican Hot Chocolate Pie

May 27, 2011May 27, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

This is Dan Paul Roberts. He’s a gay recording artist and sex symbol.

He wanted to make a pie.

I wanted to perfect the Mexican Hot Chocolate Pie that I took to B.D. Wong’s New Year’s Party.

Boom. I just named dropped. It was fun.

You should try it.

Name dropping is the funnest, most bestest thing in the world, except for pooping.

Everyone knows that pooping is the greatest human pleasure. Duh.

Dan Paul came over late last night. We whipped up a crust and then blind baked it.

He told me how he moved to the city, and formed a band called She Dick.

They took the downtown scene by storm, and they garnered a following.

Him: I feel good about life. I’m not doing She Dick anymore, but I’m working on an album with people I love and respect a lot and it’s going well. I want to do mainstream gay pop. The time has come for gay pop stars to start infiltrating the pop culture.

Me: As part of our evil agenda – I agree.

Him: Exactly.

Me: Well. There’s Adam Lambert.

(pause)

Him: Yes. Him. (pause) Well, I’d like to do it differently.

Me: He does seem like he’s being misdirected by someone. Maybe his manager.

Him: Who knows?

We tempered the chocolate and added it to the creamed butter/sugar mixture.

Then we whipped in two raw eggs, one at a time, for about five minutes each.

Then I spiced that shit RIGHT.

Cayenne pepper, cinnamon, and smoked Hungarian paprika. Fuck yeah.

Him: I was trying to have a relationship for a minute, with a sweet, enigmatic, kind boy. But he wouldn’t have any of me.

Me: Ha. Sounds familliar.

Him: Now I think of my life as building a family. I’m building a family of people around me whom I love and support. Some of them I have ongoing physical relationships with, some not. I love my friends like family.

Me: Brothers.

Him: What?

Me: I have brotherly feelings for a lot of the Gays in my life. It’s a good feeling to take emotional responsibility for someone else. Not in a controlling way. Just in a supportive way.

Him: Interesting. Brotherhood.

Me: It’s important. The rest of the world hates us. We only have each other.

Him: Is that true? Does the rest of the world hate us?

Me: Did you grow up in a world that taught you to be ashamed of yourself?

Him: Hm.

Him: I experienced a sexual liberation a while back.

Me: Oh? Can you speak to it?

Him: Yeah. Well…. I guess it’s just that, I thought – if I’m to be a sex symbol I need to learn how to wield my sexuality.

Me: Yes. And how did you learn how to do that?

Him: A lot of it has to do with eliminating shame.

Me: I couldn’t agree more. It’s the weapon they have against us. They can try to make us ashamed of our unique, glorious sexuality. But they can only succeed if we let them.

Him: Right!