Salon Party II

Him:  Hey.  It’s you again.

Me:  That’s right.  How has the party been?

Him: Great.  It was great.  You guys are great.

Me:  Great.  That’s great.  So great.

Him:  You’re an ass.

Me:  I am.

marcos sanchez

Him:  Sorry that was meant to be a joke.  I meant to say, you have a nice ass.

Me:  Thank you. I suppose everyone has seen it.

Him:  That might be accurate.  Good job keeping it in your shorts.

Me:  So far.

Him:  So far?

Me:  The night’s not over.  If I think I can get these homos to run around in their underwear, I might just do it.

Him:  Really?

Me:  I mean.  Yeah.  I like when people act free.

Him:  Okay.

dan paul roberts

adam gardiner’s spoken word

(I touch his hair)

Me:  You have amazing hair.

Him:  Ha.  Well now you say that?

Me:  Yes.  Now I say it.

Him:  You were just hitting on the guy sitting next to me!

Me:  Yeah I was.  Not really though.  But yeah.  Kind of.

Him:  Which is it?

Me:  I flirt with everyone.  I like affection.  So I give a lot of it away, hoping the world will respond in kind.

paolo raymundo

robbie and jeffrey

Him:  Hm…

Me:  I doesn’t always mean I want to doink a guy, just cause i play with his earlobes at a party.

(I touch his ear lobes)

Him:  Now you’re really an ass.

Me:  You’re probably right.  I won’t argue.

Him:  Good. 

Me:  I do my best.

Him:  You succeed.

stephen slate

Me:  What do you succeed at?

Him:  I work in fashion.  But the low end of it, not the high end.  Think closer to Target than Gucci.

Me:  These are KMart shoes.

(pause)

Him:  Lovely.

Me:  Thanks.  Don’t be blinded by the glamor.

Him:  Do my best.  Hey, are those fake glasses?

Me:  Yes.

Him:  Why do you wear them?

Me:  I don’t know.  I started wearing them and then it became a point of controversy somehow, with some online losers, and I kind of refused to back off of it.

Him:  It does seem inauthentic, somehow, no?

Me:  Maybe.  But, I don’t really like people telling me what I should do, especially if it’s something trivial like a pair of glasses.  Especially internet strangers.  Also, I think they look cute.

Him:  Do you know what you should do?

Me:  Please tell me.  I love when strangers tell me what I should be doing.

Him:  You should get a pair of glasses that are more expensive looking, to add an air of authenticity. 

(long pause)

Me:  HAHAHAHAHA!!  I like that.  I like that a lot.

Him:  Really?  What did I say?

Me:  You’re in the fashion industry – low end – and you challenge my authenticity.  First of all, that’s funny.  Then, your solution to my problem of being inauthentic is to appear more authentic.  I love that your advice wasn’t how to be more authentic, but rather to seem more authentic to other people, so as not to provoke their criticism.

Him:  You love that advice?

Me:  Yeah.  It tickled me.  I loved it.  Says a lot about you.

Him:  Does it?

Me:  I think so.  Says you value the appearance of authenticity, for sure.

Him:  Ugh.  No.  Not this.

Me:  Haha – what?

Him:  This isn’t the conversation I’m having right now.  It’s Saturday night.

Me:  Back to giving me unsolicited fashion and branding advice?

Him:  You’re hard to handle, huh?

Me:  It’s hard being attracted to someone who’s annoying you.

Him:  How did you know what I was thinking?

Me:  I didn’t.  I was thinking that about you.

Him:  What did I do that was annoying??

Me:  Do you remember earlier when you covered my mouth?

Him:  It sounded like you were going somewhere bad with what you were saying.

Me:  I was talking about oppressed minorities.   I said “All oppressed minorities – Asians, Blacks, Gays,” and then you covered my mouth.  Remember?

Him:  There were black people listening.

Me:  Yes.  I know.  I was aware of that.

Him:  It sounded like you were going somewhere bad.

Me:  I wasn’t.   I was talking about how we form communities.

Him:  Well I covered your mouth.

Me:  I know.  I registered that.  I thought, hey, this guy is doing one of the most condescending things possible right now.  Also, he’s super hot.

Him:  Well.  Sorry.  And thank you.

Me:  Eh.  It’s a party.  People are going to act weird.  Didn’t you see me running around in an apron singing songs?

Him:  Very true.  Hey.  I think I might be able to take you on one of those awkward dates sometime.

Me:  I think you’re right.

Him:  I’m great at awkward.

Me:  I’m great at self defeating behavior.  We could really fuck this date up, kiddo.  Let’s do it!

Him:  Okay.  You’re on.  One awkward date.

Me:  You have no idea what you’re in for.

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