Him: Hey. It’s you again.
Me: That’s right. How has the party been?
Him: Great. It was great. You guys are great.
Me: Great. That’s great. So great.
Him: You’re an ass.
Me: I am.
Him: Sorry that was meant to be a joke. I meant to say, you have a nice ass.
Me: Thank you. I suppose everyone has seen it.
Him: That might be accurate. Good job keeping it in your shorts.
Me: So far.
Him: So far?
Me: The night’s not over. If I think I can get these homos to run around in their underwear, I might just do it.
Me: I mean. Yeah. I like when people act free.
(I touch his hair)
Me: You have amazing hair.
Him: Ha. Well now you say that?
Me: Yes. Now I say it.
Him: You were just hitting on the guy sitting next to me!
Me: Yeah I was. Not really though. But yeah. Kind of.
Him: Which is it?
Me: I flirt with everyone. I like affection. So I give a lot of it away, hoping the world will respond in kind.
Me: I doesn’t always mean I want to doink a guy, just cause i play with his earlobes at a party.
(I touch his ear lobes)
Him: Now you’re really an ass.
Me: You’re probably right. I won’t argue.
Me: I do my best.
Him: You succeed.
Me: What do you succeed at?
Him: I work in fashion. But the low end of it, not the high end. Think closer to Target than Gucci.
Me: These are KMart shoes.
Me: Thanks. Don’t be blinded by the glamor.
Him: Do my best. Hey, are those fake glasses?
Him: Why do you wear them?
Me: I don’t know. I started wearing them and then it became a point of controversy somehow, with some online losers, and I kind of refused to back off of it.
Him: It does seem inauthentic, somehow, no?
Me: Maybe. But, I don’t really like people telling me what I should do, especially if it’s something trivial like a pair of glasses. Especially internet strangers. Also, I think they look cute.
Him: Do you know what you should do?
Me: Please tell me. I love when strangers tell me what I should be doing.
Him: You should get a pair of glasses that are more expensive looking, to add an air of authenticity.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA!! I like that. I like that a lot.
Him: Really? What did I say?
Me: You’re in the fashion industry – low end – and you challenge my authenticity. First of all, that’s funny. Then, your solution to my problem of being inauthentic is to appear more authentic. I love that your advice wasn’t how to be more authentic, but rather to seem more authentic to other people, so as not to provoke their criticism.
Him: You love that advice?
Me: Yeah. It tickled me. I loved it. Says a lot about you.
Him: Does it?
Me: I think so. Says you value the appearance of authenticity, for sure.
Him: Ugh. No. Not this.
Me: Haha – what?
Him: This isn’t the conversation I’m having right now. It’s Saturday night.
Me: Back to giving me unsolicited fashion and branding advice?
Him: You’re hard to handle, huh?
Me: It’s hard being attracted to someone who’s annoying you.
Him: How did you know what I was thinking?
Me: I didn’t. I was thinking that about you.
Him: What did I do that was annoying??
Me: Do you remember earlier when you covered my mouth?
Him: It sounded like you were going somewhere bad with what you were saying.
Me: I was talking about oppressed minorities. I said “All oppressed minorities – Asians, Blacks, Gays,” and then you covered my mouth. Remember?
Him: There were black people listening.
Me: Yes. I know. I was aware of that.
Him: It sounded like you were going somewhere bad.
Me: I wasn’t. I was talking about how we form communities.
Him: Well I covered your mouth.
Me: I know. I registered that. I thought, hey, this guy is doing one of the most condescending things possible right now. Also, he’s super hot.
Him: Well. Sorry. And thank you.
Me: Eh. It’s a party. People are going to act weird. Didn’t you see me running around in an apron singing songs?
Him: Very true. Hey. I think I might be able to take you on one of those awkward dates sometime.
Me: I think you’re right.
Him: I’m great at awkward.
Me: I’m great at self defeating behavior. We could really fuck this date up, kiddo. Let’s do it!
Him: Okay. You’re on. One awkward date.
Me: You have no idea what you’re in for.