Kevin Allison, Adam Gardiner, Dale Cooper Episode 2

 

 

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adam gardiner

Me: Did you ever go through a Vally of the Shadow of Death with RISK?

Kevin: I was terribly paranoid during the first few months. But then when I stopped [relying on the safe distance of my childhood stories] and started talking about my kinky stories.

Me: “When I was a kid I shit on a Frisbee!!!”

Kevin: Yeah, yeah.  But the first time I sort of sat down in front of the mic and told a story about something I was wrecked about right then, right now and when I pressed send I was terrified. I was like, what is the comedy community going to think of me? What might my parents eventually think of me?  What might anyone in the entertainment industry think of me?

(pause)

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Kevin: My show… is kind of a philosophical “Fuck You,” to that way of thinking.

Me: Absolutely. I felt that way about PIEFOLK. I had been doing comedy for more than 10 years. East Village Boys asked me to pose apron only. I thought, all these straight, white hetero-normative comics  are never going to let me live this down. Also, my Mom – she’s going to see this and go – I guess he’s not really a comedy person. I guess he’s just a porn star. Overcoming that shame. Overcoming the idea of ‘what will people think?’

(pause)

I always have to brush up that creeping voice inside me that says ‘No one will do your site and no one will take your seriously.’

Kevin: Oh, God, yeah…

Me: But then what I found is… Well, first of all prostitution, porn, all that stuff [that we talk about or traffic in, or tell stories about in our professions] – that’s in the Bible!

(laughter)

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Kevin: Old testament!

Me: People have been bored of that for thousands of years!!

(laughter)

Them: Right right.

Dale: Sorry to interrupt. Speaking of RISK. That’s any internet exposure.  People now with Facebook, Twitter, etc. – you’re in a constant state of managing risk. What photos [will I allow] to get out there? You have to constantly police your online identity because it has repercussions.

Kevin: That’s a great point. I feel like we’re on the avant guard – the people who are saying – you’re being so self conscious about what you’re choosing to put out there into the world, and you know what? We’re choosing to put it ALL out there.

Me: Not all of it.  There are certain things.

Kevin: Yeah yeah yeah.

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Me: I never show penis or sack on my site. I never want my grandmother  – my mom and dad regularly read my site and I don’t want them to see my nut sack.

Dale: They’ve seen it before.

Me: They have. But it’s been 30-someodd years since they’ve seen it. And they don’t want to see it again.

Dale: That’s understandable.

Dale: (to Kevin) I was going to ask you because you brought up kink and whatnot. Does kink play – dom and sub – come into play in your everyday life as a performer? Does doing kink make your more true to yourself? Is it also just playacting?

Kevin: I have not been in enough serious ‘scenes’ with super serious kinksters where I have felt like I’ve taken the role play seriously enough to feel like I went into subspace, or to feel like there was a part of my psychology that I went into – It happened, once where I had an out of body experience where I sort of found myself being submissive in a way that I never thought I would enjoy. I was basically bowing at someone’s feet and worshiping him like an emperor.  Smelling his shoes. Getting whipped. All that sort of stuff… [It put me] in touch with a part of my psychology that I didn’t know was there.

(pause)

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Kevin:  It was very early on into my getting into kink. I shared it immediately on the podcast.

Me: That was a touching story. The way that you tell it now is sort of matter of fact, but when I listened to it on the RISK podcast I was running in McCarren park and I literally had to stop so I could cry.

Dale: Wow.

Kevin: Yeah. It took me back to being a little boy, basically. It was very emotional.

(pause)

Kevin: Since then I’ve been asking when can I meet a kinkster who takes things seriously enough, and is into the psychological side of things enough that I can go back into that mysterious realm? It’s difficult to say. You can’t really force that type of thing. It’s kind of an adventure.

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Dear Michael –

photos by adam gardiner for the vice magazine salon party

Dear Michael,

I’m writing to invite you to a retreat I’m throwing at my house upstate.  I’ve done this before with various levels of success.  Basically I’m looking for a nice group of good looking men to join me for a fun weekend at my cabin in the Adirondacks.  I will provide all of the food, and liquor.  I also will provide the lodging, rent free.  I’m a great cook and I plan on making a feast every night.  Maybe you can even give me tips on my pies?

The only thing that I ask of my guests is that they spend a small amount of time each day kicking me in the nuts, or otherwise torturing my penis and testicles.  Ever since I was very young I’ve been extremely turned on by being kicked or hit in the nuts.  You can also feel free to step on my penis, or devise some other sort of way to humiliate or torture my junk.

A little about me:  I’m 6ft and weigh about 260lbs.  I’m a scruffy type, moderately hairy with a beard.  I guess I qualify as a ‘Bear’ type, you could say.  Bottom.  I have a leather sling installed in my cabin and a number of ‘toys’ to play with, including butt plugs, dildos, and hand cuffs.  You can feel free to use any of those toys on me, and I’m receptive to a variety of other types of sexual practices too. 

I’m not selfish!  I want to make sure you have a good time too. 

Guests are of course free to sleep with each other as well, provided they spend the requisite time each day kicking me in the nuts.  My cabin is central to lots of activities, including hiking and snow skiing.  So bring your skis if you’re a snow bunny!

Please let me know if you’re interested and/or available to attend.  Right now it’s looking like our next excursion is going to be the last weekend of January.  I know – cold!  But don’t worry, there’s a fireplace to keep us warm.

Happy Holidays!

R

Dear R,

Thanks for writing in, and your generous offer.  I’m unfortunately unavailable for this sort of retreat.  Kicking you in the nuts for an hour a day is simply not my thing.  While I think people getting kicked in the nuts is super funny, I’m not sure I could take it seriously sexually.  The last thing you want at this retreat is me making wise-cracks or outright laughing as people fulfill your sexual desires.

Come to think of it, kicks in the nuts are only funny once in a while.  Watching you get repeatedly assaulted in your junk might actually make me feel emotionally empathetic, or even squeamish.  In any case, I’m relatively confident that I’m unable to sexualize the experience.  Sorry!

Thanks for writing in, and happy holidays!

Jerk.