Tag: gay shame

Kevin Allison, Adam Gardiner, Dale Cooper – Episode 3

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

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adam gardiner

Dale Cooper: I don’t have a smart phone. I can’t {tweet back at my fans}.

Me: How do you run Grindr? I met you on Grindr.

Dale Cooper: I have an iPod touch. I don’t know my way around New York, but if I can find WiFi – I can route my way around. If I need to get fucked I can jump on Grindr. But I don’t have that constant…  internet pressure…  notification this and txt here and whatnot.

Kevin: Yeah. It changes your life.

Dale: It does and I’ve seen that. Going back to porn – I’ve been at a table full of performers and producers and we’ll be at a long table and there will be nine of us and everyone is on their smart phones…

Kevin: Yeah…

Dale: And they’re not txting each other they’re communicating with other people. I don’t know if they’re ‘checking in’ at the location or what…

Me: I had to start doing that with my improv students. I had to start saying, there’s no iPhone use. I’ll pick up my iPhone but just to check what time it is so we can go on break. I had to be very stern with a certain class I’m teaching right now because there’s a couple of ADHD students – they’re very talented, I like them a lot, but if I don’t  – I have to be like an old school teacher with them. “No grooming yourself! Stop combing your hair! Don’t talk when I’m talking! Now these are my notes…”

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Dale: Ruler smacking… That teacher-student kink thing?

(laughter)

Dale: Put on the dunce cap!

(laughter)

Me:  “Now clean the classroom! NO ONE’S BLOWING ME!!!”

(laughter)

Kevin: “I couldn’t help but notice no one’s BLOWING ME!!”

(laughter)

Dale: It’s gotten to the point with smart phones where I want to get a watch, just so I can check the time without giving the appearance that I’m on my phone. That’s kind of silly. Who gives a fuck? I mean, we’re all social creatures, so I guess we all give a fuck in some way or another.

Me: I suppose so! Kevin, I want to talk about storytelling. You kind of self-actualized a couple of years ago and you took yourself from a point of…  you were almost ready to give up comedy altogether.

Kevin: I actually DID. I did give up comedy – after The State broke up I had always been the black sheep, you know the middle child that was off in his own universe?

You know they say that when Mel Brooks was writing on Your Show of Shows with Woody Alan, and  Neil Simon and Sid Ceasar – they would always laugh like hell at his sketches in the writer’s room and say, alright, well, we can’t use that! I was that guy in The State. Everyone loved my stuff – we could never put it on TV.

Me: Larry David had the same problem on SNL.

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Kevin: Oh. Yeah! So when the group broke up, I was like, what do I do with myself now? There’s a part of me that’s super polite and submissive and Midwestern and – a Catholic boy from Ohio.  And a part of me that’s raunchy and kinky and a madman and likes experimenting with drugs and all that… So finally after 12 years of starving trying to do [character based] comedy, I did give up. I went into publishing.

(pause)

Then I slowly realized, no. I have got to express myself somehow.

(pause)

There’s a part of me that needs to express myself not solely in terms of comedy… under no restrictions. I don’t have to be making people laugh every 8 seconds.

Me: No!

Kevin: So when I first got up onstage and told a true story Michael Black said, you’ve got to drop the act and start speaking from the heart as yourself. I said, it’s too risky. And he said, exactly. Risk is where the good stuff comes from.

Me: Right.

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Kevin: So I tried a story onstage the next week, and it was all about how I tried to prostitute myself (when I was 20), and it didn’t go very well. But the story went GREAT!!

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Colby Keller Interview: Part One

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by adam gardiner

Me: Do you see yourself as a role model?

Him: A role model? I don’t see myself as a role model, no.

Me: Really? Why not? You came out when you were 15. You have the guts to have sex with boys for a living while everyone watches… I think that does a lot more for gay rights than some sort of Victorian…

Him: I’m not going to pretend like it was something that it wasn’t. I came out because my parents discovered a big stash of porn that I had. I may have wanted them to find it but I wasn’t about to be mister responsible at 15 and say ‘Mom and Dad…’

Me: Right, but that’s the thing about life – it’s not about what happens, or circumstances, it’s how we deal with it. And you dealt with it in a very interesting way. I’ve done some research and I’ve seen the way you present yourself in the media, and I think you could consider yourself a role model. The idea of a porn star even-handedly guiding someone through a threesome is an important thing, because to ignore –

Him: Right. I think everyone has that responsibility to do that. To teach other people to make ourselves better human beings. People have that responsibility.

Me: No. We don’t. A lot of us don’t try. A lot of us are so selfish – you see that, right?

Him: A lot of us fail at that – I don’t think it should be considered special. It should be considered the norm.

Me: I like that. There’s a Victorian tenseness in the gay community about painting ourselves just like straight people. Can you speak to that? I think we’re different and better than straight people.

Him: It’s been a good strategy to make us more palatable to society at large. I don’t think we’re better [than straight people] because I think we should be more radical and we’re not. I don’t think [that gay marriage] is what our political struggle should be about. I think it’s about re-framing it in terms of queerness. I think it’s a ‘queer’ identity which anyone can have. You can be straight and be queer. The idea of conformity – the gays that say ‘I won’t be happy until I’m treated like every other straight person, and that includes marriage…’ not that that’s not something that doesn’t have value, or isn’t a good thing…

Me: It’s a civil rights issue.

Him: Right. But I don’t think that’s what our political struggle should be about. It’s about re-framing it in terms of queerness rather than something specific to our sexuality. Because there are a lot of really horrible gay men – let’s face it.

Me: Why are there so many horrible gay men, do you think?

Him: People want to be accepted. They struggle to give value to their lives. They’re afraid of being different and what that means, so they desperately struggle for conformity. That process (which isn’t unique to gay people by any means) – but I think that it’s something that’s very common. Because first of all, you are different. You’re not having sex like most people on the planet have sex – and instead of embracing that, and seeing where there’s value in that in a radical kind of way, they think of ways to make themselves normal again.

Me: And then they project that onto each other.

His boyfriend: That’s the big thing. The reinforcement and also control over everyone around you. You take your shame and you project it onto people who don’t want it.

Me: They don’t want your fucking shame! You don’t want your shame. Your shame was given to you by your family, and your church, and…

His boyfriend: Keep your shame. Keep it to yourself. Don’t force the rest of us to deal with it…

Me: Or find a good outlet? Like S&M. That’s a good outlet – because then we’ll all have an orgasm in then we’ll all go home and get our work done. I bar tended for a long time in the gay community and I can’t tell you how many times I heard phrases like ‘Ew, you went home with him? You know he’s a drag queen?!’ That’s so much shame… Self hatred.

Him: I think we’re taught to hate ourselves, but we’re also taught to like a certain thing. That’s what the market wants us to do. We need to be attracted to a certain type of body, you know?

His Boyfriend: Look at Ryan Murphy and all the mega-media shit that he’s putting out there right now. Where all gay men are supposed to live in Los Angeles, live in Mc Mansions, and be adopting Asian babies.

Me: Wait a minute. I want an Asian baby.

His Boyfriend: Okay, you can have an Asian baby, but where’s our media that’s cross class, like Roseanne?

Him: I think the thing that’s interesting to me is polygamy – most cultures in the world – that is the ideal relationship.

His Boyfriend: Look at Bill Clinton. When he had that affair, the world laughed at us. We almost shut our government down because he had sex with a younger woman. All the other cultures in the world were like, he should be fucking everything that moves.

Me: Because he needs to do that in order to maintain the ego it takes to run a fucking country!

His Boyfriend: Exactly!

To Be Continued – full audio podcast available soon!

More Colby Keller Here

Letters

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Hey Michael: I think I spelled your name right. I just wanted to take the time and tell you I enjoyed reading your blog and I also wanted some advice.

My current boyfriend lives 2 hrs away from me and is highly attractive. He’s not out of the closet either so he won’t hold my hand in public unless we’re at the gay bar or something. He also does not want to introduce me to his friends who KNOW he’s gay. Which i find odd. He says it’s too soon. But he’s met my family. And he also texts facing his phone away from me. That really bugs me. He doesn’t text often but when he does it’s in a very suspicious manner. I’ve found myself creeping on his facebook, which is empty really, every now and then. And don’t tell me to talk to him about it because when i do, he gets very angry. Apparently, i’m asking too much too soon. we’re six months in now. So do you think i’m being paranoid or am i on to something here?

Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,

LewieCharles

Hey Lewie,

Thanks for writing in. First let me say – your new boyfriend is not the only ‘highly attractive’ one in the family. You’re looking pretty good over there yourself.

I’d say that you’re right to be suspicious. Him hiding his txting from you is a clear indication he’s speaking to someone he doesn’t want you to know about. Add that to the other pieces of the puzzle (he lives two hours away, he won’t introduce you to his friends, even though they know he’s gay) and it certainly creates a shady looking picture. It sounds like he could be dating or sleeping with more than just you.

But, ultimately, that doesn’t matter. Seriously. It doesn’t.

Here’s what matters: He’s been with you for six months and won’t even introduce you to his friends. He’s in the closet. He gets angry when you try to initiate communication. Dump him.

This isn’t the relationship you want, and he’s never going to suddenly turn into the type of guy you want him to be. It doesn’t work like that. You deserve a proud young man that can introduce you to his parents, or at least his friends. Someone who will show you affection in public. Someone who won’t blow up at you if you want to talk about something bothering you.

The issue isn’t whether you have a right to be suspicious. The issue is whether you’re going to insist on the type of partner you deserve. And believe me, Lewie – with a face like that (and other lovely, erm…  assets) you can afford to be picky.

Everyone should afford to be picky. Better to be alone than settle for something disappointing.

You’re a beautiful young man, Lewie. Thanks for writing in.

 Dear Michael, I am a 21 bisexual studying in a former Soviet country at the moment.
I have been reading your blog after discovering it on Vice recently.
It fucking rocks. It has helped me so much in regards to respecting
myself and loving myself more, and not being ashamed or confused about
my sexuality. I like how you said that you consider bisexuals fully
gay and straight, and that is in a way very comforting.

I also got inspired to make a crust-less quiche in our shitty
dormitory in our toaster oven. I used sour cream instead of all milk
and a little beer for the egg base. I also filled it with lost of
onions bacon and some cheese. Hope you enjoy the picture as much as I
enjoyed eating the product photographed.

Keep on keepin’ on Comrade Martinov!

-T

Hey T –

Wow.  I hope you mean that you added sour cream to an already milk base, and you added (instead of substituting)  beer to an egg base. It looks like you did. For dorm food, it looks exceptionally yummy.

Thanks for all the praise. I’m glad you’re learning to live without some of the god-awful shame the world still persists in trying to invoke upon us. There’s always room for more self-respect and love, so I’m glad I could inspire it. Flattered even. Thanks for reaching out.

Hang in there. I feel like bi-sexual men are frequently met with a suspicious or patronizing attitude from the LGBT community. Glad you’re still willing to love yourself.

That photograph is both sexy and hilarious at the same time. Today, you win the internet.

Thanks for taking the time to write and send in your photos.

Jerks.

Shame

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  Thanks for inviting me.

Me:  This turned out to be a pretty good party, right?

Him:  It’s so much fun!

Me:  Did you eat your pie?

Him:  Not yet.  I will.  I hid it.  I know where it is.  I’ll eat it.

Me:  I worry you don’t eat enough.

Him:  Sometimes I don’t, but it’s under control.

Me:  Okay.  How are you otherwise?

Him:  Good.  I go to one of the best design schools in the country.  I have an internship 30 year-olds are trying to get.  I’m working on many different projects.

Me:  Ha.  Sounds like you’re talking to your Dad.

Him:  What?

Me:  For a second it sounded like you were talking to your Dad, just now.  Explaining your accomplishments.

Him: Could be.  My parents are really down on me.

Me: Really?  You’re so successful.  That’s crazy to me.

Him:  They constantly make me justify myself and they constantly make me feel inferior.  Like I’m somehow disappointing them.  I think I might hate them a little.

Me:  Stop.

Him:  No.  This is real.  This is something that is real to me.

Me: Okay, then.  (Pause)  Doesn’t sound like they recognize what a powerful young Homosexual they created.  They should realize they’re lucky.

Him:  They don’t.  I think I hate myself, sometimes, too.

Me:  What?

Him:  I think I hate myself sometimes.

Me:  No.

Him:  What do you mean, no?

Me: No.  That won’t do… That won’t do at all.

Him:  It won’t?

Me: No. We can’t have that.  We can’t have talented young Gays like you walking around hating yourselves.  The rest of us need you to be vibrant, and strong.  We all need each other.

Him: But they have a way of…  Well…    They have a way of tearing me down.  Even when I tell them I’m doing good in school and I’m kind of an over-achiever.  They always bring it back to me being Gay.  And I’m made to feel like I disappointed them, or that I can’t possibly make up for it.

Me: They’re using shame.

Him:  Shame?

Me:  Yes.  They’re asking you to feel ashamed.

Do you ever feel, around them, you can’t quite exactly be yourself?

Him: Oh yes.  All the time.  They make me feel like there’s a whole part of me I have to hide.  Especially when my extended family is around.  Like, they all know I’m Gay, but I’m not supposed to behave too much that way because it might rock the boat.

Me: Heavens to Betsy.  What would Aunt Miriam say?

Him:  Exactly.  And my brother is going on and on about all the girls he’s dating and I can’t exactly chime in and say, well, I was naked in a hot tub with two other boys last weekend and it was weird, can I?

Me: Well, you could.

Him:  My mother would have a fit.

Me:  Of course she would.  She’s shaming you.  She is using your own fears and insecurities about your sexuality against you.  She knows that, on some level, you feel bad about your lovely, unique Gayness, and she uses that shame to keep you in line.  Straight people have been shaming Gays for thousands of years.  It’s bred into their culture.  They don’t even know they’re doing it, sometimes… Them trying to shame us is almost second nature to them.

(pause)

Him:  That sounds a lot like what she does.  I have so much resentment of her.  I hate my Dad for going along with it.  They don’t treat me like they treat my brother.

Me:  We need to remove all this hate from your person.

Him:  Huh?  Maybe.  I hate my parents and I hate myself.

Me:  I don’t care about your parents, but I won’t have you hating yourself, young man.  That won’t do at all.  Who do you hate more, yourself, or your parents?

Him:  Oh!  My parents.  They’re really awful to me.  They make me wish I wasn’t Gay or wasn’t here, even.

Me:  That kills me to hear.  All the more reason, then, to remove your own self-hatred, right?  Then you can direct all of your anger where it belongs.

Him:  At my parents?

Me:  Or just bigoted Straight people in general.  Three things need to happen, in order for a person to experience shame.  What are they?

Him:  Dunno?

Me:

1) It must be agreed upon that certain sets of behavior are shameful, in this case exhibiting your homosexuality.

2) Someone must identify that set of behaviors and invoke shame upon the other person.  This is done very blatantly, like yelling at someone, or very subtly, like avoiding eye contact or withholding affection.  This is the type of shaming it sounds like your parents are doing.

Him:  Okay.  They do that, yes.

Me: 3)  Someone must accept shame.  The other person must decide to act in a shameful manner.  Do you find yourself leaving the room?  Acting contrite?  Trying to make up for your ‘Gay outbursts?’

Him:  Yeah.  That happens a lot.  But what can I do when they’re making me feel ashamed?

Me:  You just took all the power away from yourself – They’re making me feel ashamed, you said.  Who’s emotions are they?

Him:  Mine.

Me:  Exactly.  So who’s in charge of those feelings?

Him:  Me.

Me:  Exactly.  So who makes you feel a certain way?

Him:  Me?

Me:  You.  Now you took the power back.

Him:  But how do I keep from feeling ashamed?

Me: Identify and address it when it happens.  Say something about it.  Say, “I can feel you trying to make me feel ashamed, but what you don’t understand is that I’m the opposite of ashamed.  I’m proud that I act, live and love the way I do, so I can’t accept your shame.  It’s not my shame, it’s yours.”  Just give the shame right back to them.

Him: I can do that?

Me:  You can do that.  Try it sometime.  Feels good.

Him:  Sounds hard to train yourself to feel and act that way.

Me:  It requires vigilance.  You have to keep reminding yourself.

Him:  I’ll give it a shot.  Do you think I still have time left to change my behavior?

Me:  How old are you?

Him:  Nineteen.  It might be too late.

Me:  Nineteen??  You got nothing but time.  We only have the rest of our lives.  We’ll get it right.

Him:  Thanks. 

Jerk.