Here is a short animated video.
I ask a busted drag queen to sponsor me on the AIDS Walk:
You can donate too! Click here! Yay!!!!
Don’t worry. Even if you donate, I’ll still call you a Jerk.
Jerks.
Month: May 2011
Selfish, Selfish AIDS WALK
They called me to do the AIDS WALK, and I was offended. I said, as a Gay man, I don’t think I should be supporting AIDS, thanks!
Then they explained to me (very slowly) that it’s not a Walk for AIDS. They had to say it a few times, because I’m self-absorbed, but it finally sunk in: AIDS WALK is a charity that supports AIDS patients!!
Well, I IMMEDIATELY said yes. Not because I support AIDS patients (talk about self-absorbed!!) but because I wanted to appear charitable. That’s very important when you’re a public figure, like I’m not.
Anyway.
It’s really sneaky how they do it. First they ask you to do it. THEN after you say yes they tell you it’s at TEN IN THE MORNING. Are you kidding me? I live in Brooklyn! I’ll have to be up at 8 am, if I’m going to look nice at all! Let’s face it, I’m not as young as I used to be. I might have to get up at 7:30.
On a SUNDAY?
That’s God’s day.
Plus, I have to check fashion blogs and make sure I’m ahead of hipster trends, and buy shoes with no arch support. Plus, I have to go to Hype Machine and see what kind of annoying music I can listen to to piss off my lawyer friends and make them feel uncool. Plus, I have to go to my locavore butcher and congratulate him for reducing the amount of greenhouse gasses we produce as a society, by running an infuriatingly vain hipsterish business that everyone in the neighborhood loves/resents.
Then enema, toe scrub, watch my maid vacuum (she won’t do it right if i DON’T), dermabrasion, tarot card reading, hot air balloon ride, casual sex in restroom, puppet show, and drag queen bingo. All in one day!
But no. Not this coming Sunday. I can’t do any of those things, BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO THE DAMN AIDS WALK AT 10 AM!!!
Selfish, selfish AIDS WALK.
Anyway.
Click here to donate, if you feel like giving money to AIDS.
What? Oh. Right. AIDS patients.
Jerks.
Questions
Hey Michael,
Before I begin on the matter of importance, I just wanted to say that I enjoy your blog very much. It’s gotten to the point where I check it everyday to see if there are any updates. 🙂
So, I was hoping maybe you could help me out with some advice. I’ve been seeing this boy…his name is Michael too. We started talking on an iPhone social networking app in January. Things were going great, and we eventually started dating. He is 18 years old. and I am 21. Our relationship only lasted one month because he ended up not wanting to be in a relationship with me. He said he still had feelings for his ex. So we stopped talking for about 2 months after our breakup. Now he is texting me a lot and we actually went out to dinner last week so we could talk things out and be on good terms. It all went great, we laughed and talked seriously about how thing ended between us. He tells me now that he really still likes me and thinks about me all the time. He told me the other day that he wants another chance with me. I’m not sure if I should tell him have it because I feel like he still has feelings for his ex and things will just be the same as last time. He will also be leaving for college in the fall…in another state. I just dont know what to do really. I like him, I think he’s a great guy. What do you think?
-Evan
Evan,
Thanks for writing in. You’re sweet and kind, and not a douche.
At least, I get that from your letter. Am I right?
So this guy wants you back eh? Okay. You seem to like him. So maybe let him have you back? A little. But hey, make it difficult for him. Make him prove that he’s not just trying to see if he can get you back out of some emotional existential boredom. On the other hand, don’t make it TOO hard for him – gay people are frequently emotionally ADD.
You think he still has feelings for his ex? You’re right. He does. That’s how love works. You don’t ever stop loving someone, once you fall in love with them. You just find ways of muting it, when it’s over.
So, okay, here’s my advice: Do it.
Let yourself fall for this guy. Let yourself love him.
But only a little.
He’s leaving. He’ll be gone in a few short months. That sucks, but there’s a power to that. It means that even if he doesn’t act like a douche about his ex, he’s still going to break your heart by leaving. So, either way, it’s going to hurt.
BUT.
You like him.
You should fall for him. You’re 21. He’s 18. You’re supposed to be having epic romances. Let yourself. See where it leads?
You will heal if he hurts you. Let him.
Do you want to go through life as an emotional daredevil? Of COURSE you do. You will heal if he hurts you. Always keep one eye open and know this might be treacherous. I love you.
Michael
Kinda Awkward,
Okay so im 18,and ive had sex a few times..i bottomed now for the 4th time and cant help but feel that its not for me. I hate to say it but, it just feels like im pooping :p
if it wasnt for this constant feeling of pooping when he fucks me,i think i might like it…I know what ur gonna say, poop before, but i do and i still feel it..then im worried ill poop.
is every man suppose to like anal sex? I feel like im a bottom, but i just dont know what all the fuss is about getting fucked. Is the moans and growns in porn, moans of pleasure or just discomfort?.will it become more enjoyable with practice?all i want to do when im with guy i like is to please him,how can i get around anal sex?How can i keep a guy i like without letting him in?
-Awkward and lonely
p.s. whats ur views on unprotected sex
Awkward,
I bet you’re a beautiful guy. I know you are. All Gay people are beautiful and perfect, because all people are. I believe that.
Okay.
Here are a few things to consider.
1) Maybe you’re not a bottom? Hey. When you’re young and gay and pretty? EVERYONE wants to fuck you. But, maybe you’re not a bottom? That’s a possibility to keep in mind. Maybe you’re a top?
Or maybe you’re one of those weird Gays that only likes oral sex? I love those weird Gays!
2) However, it sounds like you want to bottom, or try to learn if you are a bottom. In which case: Keep Doing It. Let yourself try it… oh I dunno… ten times? If after ten times bottoming you think it’s a nuisance, then try finding a cute boy to top.
I want to ask – are you cleaning out? Are you giving yourself an enema before you let someone penetrate you? That can make all the difference. I know lots of bottoms that fuss about whether they’re going to poop everywhere. Most of those guys just clean out, so the sex is not filled with… er… smudges…
(if you need more information about this, awkward, just email me and i’ll be more specific)
Here’s my advice: I frequently think Gay men have the short end of the stick. We are a cultural bogeyman. People hate us. We’re even prone to hating ourselves.
I think we should enjoy the few privileges we have. One of those privileges is that we get to enjoy both passive and penetrative sex. Please revel in that. Please enjoy the benefits to being Gay. Seriously.
Oh.
BTW. That constantly pooping feeling? It goes away. Keep practicing.
How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice Practice Practice.
P.S. How do I feel about barebacking?
DON’T
Please be safe? AIDS is still real. HIV is still a pain in the ass. It’s not a joke. It’s your life. Please be smart?
Don’t. Let. Anyone. Bareback. You.
Please?
Jerk.
The Prismatic Order
I had to make some miniature pies. Mixed tart berry pies.
A couple friends offered to come over and help with them. I didn’t want to spend 5 hours baking. Soth and Louie came by.
I showed them how to bring the dough together.
We talked about our childhoods, and the Prismatic Order, that Louie and I joined for that MMO Rift.
Louie: Mysterious rifts are tearing the world of Telara apart. A powerful magic explosion during the final days of the Shade War has left the veil between Telara and other planar dimensions fractured and torn.
Me: Isn’t it sweet that I joined The Prismatic Order, your Defiant LGBT guild in RIFT, even though I don’t play it? I think I’m a great mascot for something this nerdy. I’m such a nerd in so many ways.
Louie: You’re just trying to bother me online.
Me: Side affect of me REALLY wanting to be a Dark Blooded Half Wood Elf with kick ass Blade skills and a natural resistance to poison.
Louie: You don’t know what you’re talking about, fool. You’re a bad person.
Me: Look. I’m just trying to organize a little Lord of the Rings Nakey Bakey. Where have all the Entwives gone anyway?
Louie: Don’t embarass me on the Prismatic Order.
Me: That’s a Facebook status update if I ever heard one.
Soth: What are you two idiots talking about?
Me: Sorry, Soth… we were geeking out. You were saying how your passion is working for non-profits?
Soth: Yes. Right now, I guess it is….
Me: Did you know that I have an amulet of fortitude that makes me take 50% less damage on fire magic?
Louie: You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Louie: It’s my thesis. I want to see what makes people smile. I want to try to see what happens if I pursue that question.
Soth: I think that’s noble, or whatever. It sounds like a decent idea. Do you have a hard time getting strangers to respond to you?
Louie: Yes. I stood on Bedford Ave for six hours the other day.
Me: Ugh. Those assholes? Go to Prospect Park. You can’t expect a genuine exchange from those Bedford types.
Louie: So I realize.
Me: Did you know that I have a Ring of Concealment that lets me gain a 60% camouflage bonus if i wear it at night?
Louie: There’s almost zero reason to talk to you.
Soth: That’s a good idea for a thesis.
Me: Yes!!! He should do a thesis on enchanted items.
Both: Shut. Up.
The pies came out pretty cute!
There was leakage. The filling leaked out of the crust, a little.
Soth: I studied Photograpy at Dartmuth…
Me: Why have I heard of that? Is that in Virginia?
Soth: Vermont.
Me: Never heard of it. Is that a state?
Louie: He’s a bad person.
Me: Did you know that I have a cloak of warding, that protects me from curses?
Louie: I’m going to kill you.
Soth and Louie were nice to come over.
We got the pies done in record time.
They’re good guys.
Enjoy the Mini-Pies.
Jerks.
Happy Sunday!!
I’m currently work shopping three songs for an audition packet.
BMI runs a really cool writer’s group for musical theater writing. If you’re accepted you get to be part of this writer’s group, and get trained by industry professionals.
The audition is in August. You have to present 3 songs.
This is one of mine, I think. A bunch of 30-40 something artists are at a retreat in the Adirondack mountains, at a cabin. One of the main characters gets a little drunk on too much wine, at dinner, and starts musing about how he wants to die by himself. The other artists are shocked, and kind of offended, as he unravels in this song.
It’s not finished yet, and could stand a re-write, but I think the bare bones are there for a pretty compelling song. Hope you enjoy:
Have a great Sunday, Jerks!
SaturDATE
Him: Come over.
Me: No. You come over here.
Him: No. You come over here.
Me: Noooo… I have writing to get done, and I should bake and photograph stuff…
Him: Your stupid blog….
Me: Yes. And I have to re-write the show. It got picked up for a run.
Him: Come over!
Me: No. Come over.
Him: Come over.
Me: How was your week?
Him: Come over, it was fine.
Me: I have to write.
Him: You’re always writing!
Me: Tell me about it. Plus remember last time? You kept shushing me, even though it was the middle of the day. You were worried that your landlord was listening to us talk.
Him: He is stalking me, I think. I think he’s listening to me have sex and hang out with my friends.
Me: I didn’t know that. I only knew that you wanted me to whisper at 3pm.
Him: Come over. I won’t shush you.
Me: Of course you will. It’s 1am. Is your roommate home?
Him: Yes. We’ll have to be quiet.
Me: No. No way. I’m not coming over. I live alone for a reason. One of those reasons is, I don’t like to tiptoe around after 11:30pm. Come here.
Him: No….
Me: Every time I come over there we make out for a while and then you send me home. I tell you you’re pretty over and over again and you roll your eyes at me. Then I go home with a boner. I think you’re playing games.
Him: I’m not playing games.
Me: I know you are, but I like you anyway.
(pause)
Him: If you come over, we can talk about how good your show was. Plus, I’m really in the mood for sex.
Me: What’s your address again?
Him: Hahahahahahaha!
Me: Ugh. I’m such an ego maniac. Fine. I’ll come over.
Him: Don’t expect me to gush about your show if you do.
Me: You just said… okay fine….
(20 minutes later, at his place)
Me: You still have crates of Honest Tea in your kitchen. That’s the real reason I came over, you know, because I knew you had at least 75 bottles of Honest Tea lying around, and maybe you’d give me one.
Him: SHHHHHH!!! Do you want some Honest Tea?
Me:
#1) Do I want some Honest Tea? No. It’s waaaaay to late for me to have caffeine. I’m like an old lady – can’t have it after 8pm.
#2) Do I want some Honesty? No. We live in a Society. Things grind to a halt if we start being honest with one another.
Him: I hope that joke’s not going into the show.
Me: It wasn’t, but now I’m going to put it in, just to be willful.
Him: Nice. Good luck making it work.
Me: Thanks for all your support.
Him: Will you come over some time and help me hang things?
Me: Pictures and stuff? Sure. Although I kinda dig the minimalist vibe going on here. Also, won’t you just shush me when I bang nails in the wall with the hammer?
Him: SHHHH. No. I will take a break from shushing you.
Me: Well, I suppose it would be wrong of me to deny you help. I’m so tall and you’re such a cute shawtie.
Him: Never mind. I have Architect friends that will help me hang my pictures.
Me: YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH ARCHITECTS???? Wow. I should network more.
Him: Great. Everything’s a joke with you.
(we kiss for a while)
Me: You’re super pretty.
Him: You always say that.
Me: It’s annoying?
Him: It’s manipulative.
Me: I know.
Him: See? You’re being manipulative.
Me: Of course I am. Everyone is. At all times.
Him: What a terrible view of the world.
Me: Not at all. An infant can manipulate its mother, and the mother can manipulate the infant. Every relationship is a negotiation. If you behave this way and say these things, I behave this way and say these things – and so forth.
Him: It just sounds terrible, manipulation.
Me: It has a terrible connotation, the word. But what’s wrong with manipulating someone to feel good about themselves, especially if it’s true. Especially if they really are pretty as hell?
Him: Nothing, but I don’t manipulate people.
Me: Yes you do. You manipulated me into coming over by promising sex and an ego stroke about my show. BTW, I haven’t gotten either yet. You look super sexy in those shorts.
Him: You’re doing it again. I don’t want to feel like you’re part of a movement. I don’t want to be part of a movement.
Me: Well then don’t hang out with a bunch of other Asians who feel like sitting down in front of a tank.
Him: Oh wow. The jokes never stop.
Me: They never do. They never ever do.
Him: I just don’t want to be part of a movement where we all sit around and compliment each other all the time.
Me: Yes. It sounds awful. Look. It’s not damn movement. I just think you’re attractive and I say so. I give compliments, when I think a show is good, or a comic is funny, or a guy i kiss is pretty… Can we just kiss? I want to kiss you.
(we kiss for a while longer)
This isn’t going to escalate to sex, is it?
Him: I don’t really feel like it tonight.
Me: You’re the one being manipulative, I think. Who booty calls someone and then no booty?
Him: Don’t say that! My friends always say that about me and it drives me nuts.
Me: Your ARCHITECT friends? They’re probably right. But you’re still likable.
Him: Stay over.
Me: Writing. I have to do my writing.
Him: Okay. I’ll walk you out.
Me: Can I have some Honest Tea for the road?
Him: Sure, do you want one?
Me: No. I just think it’s funny you have crates of it in your kitchen.
Him: Thanks for kissing me.
Me: Thanks. You’re sweet, and kind, and I’m lying. I barely like you, but there’s something about you I can’t get away from.
(pause)
Me: Will you say it?
Him: Me? Sure, I guess. Right now?
Me: Yeah. This has been going on for a while now. Just try to fit it into the narrative.
Him: How’s this?
(pause)
Thanks for coming over.
Jerk.
Me: That works.
Sponsor Me
I’m doing the AIDS Walk!
I’ve got a little more than a week before we do it. Please sponsor me!
It should be fun, and we’re raising money for AIDS patient care in the New York City area. You can click and donate 25 dollars or more. I’ll be posting a link soon, for smaller donations.
Thanks, Jerks!
ThursDATE: Aphasia
Place: The L Train.
Time: Afternoon
(What appears to be a Homeless Man is talking very animatedly to a creeped-out stranger. He is speaking gibberish. He looks terrified.)
Homeless Man: Otamad Krik. Ayulac! Niwre! Enialb Sonaj!
(This goes on for a long time, the whole train ignores it. Then suddenly:)
Him: Yes brother! Let it out! Let her hear the pain!
(A couple of people titter)
Him: He’s telling the WORLD!!!
(pause, nobody laughs)
Me: I think we’re witnessing aphasia.
Him: What??
Me: When someone has a stroke they sometimes can’t speak right. I just thought you should know what you’re ridiculing.
Him: Oh are you a doctor? Can you go and help him?
Me: No. I’m not a doctor, smart ass.
Her: Don’t talk to him. You don’t have to talk to him.
Me: You should know what you’re making fun of, at least, right? I think it’s aphasia.
Him: I was just being positive!
Me: You were ridiculing him.
Him: Yeah. Well. Yeah. I…
Her: You don’t have to be such an asshole. You don’t have to turn the whole train against my boyfriend. The guy is (whispers) homeless.
Me: And therefore less than human: I get it. Sure. He’s had a stroke or brain damage, but let’s consider your boyfriend’s feelings here! You’re right. I’m an asshole. In this whole situation, I’m the asshole.
Him: Hey, if you’re such an altruist why don’t you go help him? You have a chance to prove how good you are!!
Me: Oh no. You’ve got it wrong. I’m not an altruist. I just couldn’t process my shock and anger at your behavior without pointing out that the man is clearly brain damaged. I’m just processing it.
Her: Are you taking photographs? DON’T TALK TO HIM. (then, to me:) He was just having fun. You made everyone on the train uncomfortable.
Me: Did I? Did I do that? Was it me?
(The train stops.)
Me: I believe this is your stop.
Conductor: Bedford Avenue.
(They leave the train.)
(I try to gather the courage to photograph the Homeless Man, but I feel icky about that, so I don’t.)
(I get off two stops later and tell the station agent there’s a sick passenger on the train.)
Five Things
Gentlemen.
Here are five things not to say on a date with me:
#1: “I know you’re a comic, but seriously, what job do you do – you don’t seem that funny?”
No. Wrong. Seriously. Not the right thing to say. That IS what I do. I pay my rent doing this. I’m not at work right now, and you’re not paying me to be funny.
Remember when we ordered our appetizers and you were condescending to the waitress? Right after that you gave me a cocky smile and said “I’m a surgeon,” with the intonation that one might say “I’m heir to a vast fortune.” And what did I do? I smiled and asked what type of surgeon you are. I did not look at you suspiciously, and then patronizingly point out that you don’t seem like a surgeon. I really wanted to though. I really wanted to say “That’s not true! Surgeons are smart, and they wear hospital scrubs, not Old Navy Jeans.”
#2: “I like your blog, but what’s with all the Asians? I just don’t get it. I tried having sex with an Asian once and I don’t know. It’s just not for me. Ick.”
Nope. That ain’t gonna get you laid, kiddo. Up until now, I’d been thinking, wow, he’s attractive, and sort of nice. I hope he’s a sweet, down to earth white guy, and not an entitled, mildly racist white guy who acts ‘over’ everything.
Maybe you didn’t mean it to sound racist, but we’ve only known each other for four minutes. Don’t say that my friends are ‘ick.’ Also – nobody pressured you to have sex with an Asian. Well maybe some Asians did, at some point, but that’s not me, or my friends from the site.
Guys – if you want to get laid, you have to hide your racism. You have to hide it. 2011. Get with the program.
And why do we hide something? Because we’re ashamed of it!
Great! Now you’re learning!
#3 I try to live my life for Jesus.
Not with me you don’t.
Here’s an idea. Try to live your life for yourself.
Also, creep-o, after you talk about Jesus and God and how religion is good for the world for an hour, don’t offer to blow me ‘real quick before you go teach your class.’ It undermines the sanctimoniousness image you spent so long cultivating! Also. Less teeth next time.
Jokes. There won’t be a next time.
Jokes. There wasn’t a ‘this time.’ I said no.
#4: “Wow, two auditions and two rehearsals? You should get more sleep! You look exhausted! Seriously! You look awful!”
Thanks. You’re right. I am exhausted. You’re tiresome.
I just complimented you on your hair and your choice of clothing, and you come up with that?? Also, we just met. Don’t tell me what I ‘should’ do with my life. Everyone knows you wait until the third date before you start the gentle browbeating that will continue for the rest of the relationship.
Also. Floss. When I kissed you I could tell you ate a BLT three days ago.
Floss.
#5: “Ugh! I’m so glad you don’t act as GAY as you seem like you might online.”
Wow. Really?
So. I run a website where I talk about how much I hate homophobia, and you contacted me off that site. Did you think I just meant straight people being homophobic? Where do you think straight people get the permission to say stupid, insensitive, homophobic shit? From Gays like you! They overhear you saying shit like that in restaurants and on subway cars and they think, hm, I’ll try that out on my Gay co-worker – HE’LL LOVE IT.
How about, love yourself? How about accept your brothers? How about, stop tearing other people down for qualities you hate inside yourself?
Because, that’s what that is: If you look down on someone, or are grossed out because they act ‘too Gay,’ it’s you showing your own self-loathing. It’s you saying, okay, maybe I’m Gay, but I’m not as Gay as that guy – I’m one of the good ones!
Guys, we’re all one of the good ones. We all have the capacity for goodness inside us. Don’t punish yourself, or your Gay brothers/sisters for something that Straight people have taught you to hate inside yourself. Reach out with love in your heart and you’ll find the love you’re looking for. If you have a racist or homophobic thought, acknowledge it and laugh at yourself, and let yourself off the hook. It takes the power away from it. Eventually, you’ll stop thinking that way.
Or don’t. I’m not going to tell you how to live. Except on this blog. And all the time. I’m annoying like that. You’re welcome.
Sometimes it’s me. Sometimes I’m the…
Jerk.
PIEFOLK 