Here are five things not to say on a date with me:
#1: “I know you’re a comic, but seriously, what job do you do – you don’t seem that funny?”
No. Wrong. Seriously. Not the right thing to say. That IS what I do. I pay my rent doing this. I’m not at work right now, and you’re not paying me to be funny.
Remember when we ordered our appetizers and you were condescending to the waitress? Right after that you gave me a cocky smile and said “I’m a surgeon,” with the intonation that one might say “I’m heir to a vast fortune.” And what did I do? I smiled and asked what type of surgeon you are. I did not look at you suspiciously, and then patronizingly point out that you don’t seem like a surgeon. I really wanted to though. I really wanted to say “That’s not true! Surgeons are smart, and they wear hospital scrubs, not Old Navy Jeans.”
#2: “I like your blog, but what’s with all the Asians? I just don’t get it. I tried having sex with an Asian once and I don’t know. It’s just not for me. Ick.”
Nope. That ain’t gonna get you laid, kiddo. Up until now, I’d been thinking, wow, he’s attractive, and sort of nice. I hope he’s a sweet, down to earth white guy, and not an entitled,
mildly racist white guy who acts ‘over’ everything.
Maybe you didn’t mean it to sound racist, but we’ve only known each other for four minutes. Don’t say that my friends are ‘ick.’ Also – nobody pressured you to have sex with an Asian. Well maybe some Asians did, at some point, but that’s not me, or my friends from the site.
Guys – if you want to get laid, you have to hide your racism. You have to hide it. 2011. Get with the program.
And why do we hide something? Because we’re ashamed of it!
Great! Now you’re learning!
#3 I try to live my life for Jesus.
Not with me you don’t.
Here’s an idea. Try to live your life for yourself.
Also, creep-o, after you talk about Jesus and God and how religion is good for the world for an hour, don’t offer to blow me ‘real quick before you go teach your class.’ It undermines the sanctimoniousness image you spent so long cultivating! Also. Less teeth next time.
Jokes. There won’t be a next time.
Jokes. There wasn’t a ‘this time.’ I said no.
#4: “Wow, two auditions and two rehearsals? You should get more sleep! You look exhausted! Seriously! You look awful!”
Thanks. You’re right. I am exhausted. You’re tiresome.
I just complimented you on your hair and your choice of clothing, and you come up with that?? Also, we just met. Don’t tell me what I ‘should’ do with my life. Everyone knows you wait until the third date before you start the gentle browbeating that will continue for the rest of the relationship.
Also. Floss. When I kissed you I could tell you ate a BLT three days ago.
#5: “Ugh! I’m so glad you don’t act as GAY as you seem like you might online.”
So. I run a website where I talk about how much I hate homophobia, and you contacted me off that site. Did you think I just meant straight people being homophobic? Where do you think straight people get the permission to say stupid, insensitive, homophobic shit? From Gays like you! They overhear you saying shit like that in restaurants and on subway cars and they think, hm, I’ll try that out on my Gay co-worker – HE’LL LOVE IT.
How about, love yourself? How about accept your brothers? How about, stop tearing other people down for qualities you hate inside yourself?
Because, that’s what that is: If you look down on someone, or are grossed out because they act ‘too Gay,’ it’s you showing your own self-loathing. It’s you saying, okay, maybe I’m Gay, but I’m not as Gay as that guy – I’m one of the good ones!
Guys, we’re all one of the good ones. We all have the capacity for goodness inside us. Don’t punish yourself, or your Gay brothers/sisters for something that Straight people have taught you to hate inside yourself. Reach out with love in your heart and you’ll find the love you’re looking for. If you have a racist or homophobic thought, acknowledge it and laugh at yourself, and let yourself off the hook. It takes the power away from it. Eventually, you’ll stop thinking that way.
Or don’t. I’m not going to tell you how to live. Except on this blog. And all the time. I’m annoying like that. You’re welcome.
Sometimes it’s me. Sometimes I’m the…