Tag: gay advice column

Rice Queen

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  Hey there.  What’s up?

Me:  Not much.  Just hanging out.

Him:  That kid you were hitting on was really cute.  Was he Chinese?  He looked Chinese.

Me:  I don’t know.  He said he was from New Mexico.

Him:  Yeah but where was he really from?

(pause)

Me:  I don’t know.  I didn’t ask him the story of his epic family saga.  Maybe he was born in a refugee camp?

Him:  Hot.  Now you’re talking.  But that would make it more likely he was Vietnamese.  He looks Chinese or Korean maybe.

Me:  I’m not well versed enough to make the distinction.

Him:  Oh?  Are you new to Rice?

Me:  What??

Him:  Are you new to the world of Rice Queens?

Me:  Oh man.  I don’t know how to answer that.  That term is so brutal.  I’m not sure I identify with it.

Him:  Why?  Rice is a staple…

Me:  Uh…  I don’t know.  Seems like there’s a weird stigma attached to some dated racial hierarchy.  No offense.  I’m sure it was probably different in your generation.

Him:  It sure was.  The Rice was a lot less uppity.

Me:  Hey, old timer – we don’t use the word ‘uppity’ to describe ethnic minorities.  I’m pretty sure that’s a bad idea across the board.

Him:  Well, it used to be easier.  They were less demanding.

Me:  That guy went to Yale, and he’s super good looking – I’m sure he has every right to be selective about who picks him up in a gay bar.

Him:  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve been a Rice Queen for a long time.  I’ve had lots of great relationships with Asian guys.  Mutual respect is always key.  How long have you been a Rice Queen?

Me:  I’m not entirely sure that I am?  I’ve had lots of types of boyfriends – Latinos, Jews, White, Asians…

Him:  You were really into that Chinese guy.

Me:  True.  Lately they’ve been turning my head a lot.  I dunno…  I go through phases.  There was a couple years there where I was hot for red heads too.

Him:  Have you ever been to Asia?

Me:  No.

Him:  Oh, you’ve got to go!

Me:  Why’s that?

Him:  Oh the boys there are just lovely.  They’re so sweet and accommodating – they’re not spoiled by Western thinking like the Asian Americans are.

Me:  Oh my God, you have to be kidding, right?

Him:  What?

Me:  Well…  I mean, you realize how you sound, right?  ‘Spoiled?’

Him:  How do I sound?

Me:  Kind of racist.  No.  Totally racist and also imperialist, too.

Him:  Oh please.  Asia is the most racist place on earth.  If you don’t believe me, then ask your next Chinese trick how many Black people he’s slept with.  Chinese people are super, super racist.

Me:  That doesn’t make it –

Him:  BUT – I love them.  They all have hard exteriors but inside they’re marshmallows.  So sweet – and once they decide they like you, you’re in for good.

Me:  Hm.  Okay.  Just for the sake of hearing your opinion – what do you think about Japanese people?

Him:  Uh…  they’re a little superior for my tastes.  Also, they’re emotional labyrinths.  You can never tell what they’re really feeling or thinking.

Me:  Koreans?

Him:  They drink a lot, and chain smoke.  Hey – why do Koreans make good bottoms?

Me:  Why?

Him:  They’re used to being occupied.  Get it?  I made that one up.

Me:  You’re a horrible old man.  (pause)  That joke would also work for The Philippines.

Him:  Oh yeah!  You’re totally right.   But I prefer Thai boys the best.

Me:  Why’s that?

Him:  They have no qualms about sleeping with older men.  I mean, you have to give them some money, but we’re talking twenty bucks for the most depraved things you can think of.

Me:  All right.  Okay.

Him:  I have a scrapbook of all the Thai boys I’ve slept with at home.  You should come see it sometimes.

Me:  Hey, thanks for chatting, racist old man.  I was alternately horrified and amused.  I think I’m going to make better use of my time, and hit on that guy over there.

Him:  He looks Vietnamese.

Me:  If you say so.

Him:  They taste like cilantro, sometimes.

Me:  I…  What?  Okay I’m leaving.  Have a good night.

Jerk.

 

 

Advice

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by ryosuke kumakura

Dear Michael,

I’ve been trying expand my horizons as some might say, and have gone on dates with a few guys I’ve met (relatively new for me); however, this hasn’t been working out very well. I went on a few dates with a guy that I really like (very handsome and refreshingly articulate) and I would say they went well; he seemed more than happy too. After our last one, we couldn’t help but fool around – which was overly enjoyable to say the least. After this though, our communication kinda just stopped. 

We both were visiting our home town for the holidays (Neither of us live there anymore – semi long distance type of thing) and he just left without saying anything and I haven’t heard from him since. Being the type of person that doesn’t like to serial text, I sent him a message and he never responded; thus, I am assuming that he is not going to – being that it has been a week and we used to chat all the time.

My fear is that people just use me because of my face in order to get what they want and then toss me aside. This leads me to the point of advice. How do I know if a guy’s intention is to simply get into my pants and ditch, or if someone actually wants to go on dates with the intention of dating? And, if you have any idea, what should I make of the above situation?  
 
Thanks, 
Duke 
The attached pic is me – sorry I don’t have any fun baking pics 😉
Hey Duke,
Thanks for writing in.  I’m sorry to hear that you recently experienced disappointment in the dating world.  Dating it tough, and being able to process and manage a certain level of disappointment will help you in the process.  It sounds like you’re already on the right track –  if you’re looking for a guy to date for  a while, rather than just fool around with a few times.  Making him wait until the second or third date is a good strategy.  As far as being able to tell whether the guy is just looking to date or just fool around, that’s difficult – most of the time people don’t quite know what they’re looking for, even as they’re out and about in the dating world.
My main piece of advice to you is this:  even as you’re looking for a suitable long term partner, try not to be goal-oriented when you’re dating.  Just see each date as a chance to get to know the other person and have fun.  Try not to read too much into an experience, even if you do wind up fooling around with your date.  People don’t respond well when they can palpably feel your expectations.
Why not consider yourself the commodity?  Be friendly, and have fun, but ultimately make the other person prove to you why they deserve your time.  Always value your own self and what you want most of all.
I’m not exactly sure what it means when you say that people just want to use you because of your face, but as far as faces go, it’s a pretty cute one.  Don’t be surprised if people want to use it for kissing, or other more aggressive activity.
Duke, you’re young and attractive.  Keep your chin up and have a good time.  If you look like you’re having a good time that breeds an attractive energy.  I’m sure there’s plenty more crushes, dates, and foolings-around in your future.
Thanks again for writing in – Jerk.

Advice

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hi Michael,

I’m from Sydney, Australia where we all walk on our hands and ride to work in kangaroo pouches. And have gay sex. Lots of gay sex.

I’ve never asked for advice before from a baker/actor/singer (you are a unique triple threat) but, you seem to go on plenty of dates, so here goes. I’m not very good at that moment when we’ve met once or twice and the other person is into meeting again but I’m not. I have this kind of people pleasing mentality where I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings by rejecting them. I seriously had a relationship for seven years with someone who I wasn’t totally into for this reason.

Basically these are good people, don’t get me wrong but there’s something about them that might be just slightly off. Like they turn up on a date with an umbrella with a handle shaped like a samurai sword and tell stories that are biographically inconsistent. Or you go to their place and they have industrial quantities of Jack Daniels and three years worth of unemptied ashtrays. Or maybe there’s just a bit of a creepy vibe for some reason you can’t put your finger on.

I get the sense that people get a bit damaged by life and I don’t want to contribute to that. But equally I don’t want to end up gay married to some person I’m not into just because I can’t say no to people.

Anyway, I’d be interested in your advice. How do you deal with this situation? Do you just tell it like it is and let the other person deal or do you have some strategy for softening the rejection?

Cheers,

Carl.

Carl,

Thanks for writing in.

It’s funny, I found your letter increasingly disturbing, the longer I mulled it over in my head.  At first it just seemed like, aw, this guy is too nice for his own good – maybe he needs me to tell him to man up and say ‘no’ more often.  But the more I thought about your problem, them more alarmed I got.

Carl, don’t you think it’s alarming, what you’ve said?  On the surface it might just seem like you’re a nice guy, staying with someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. But, what does it say about your own sense of self worth?  To me it says that you don’t value your own happiness enough to put your needs first.

Isn’t your  life important enough for you to insist on being with someone who fulfills you?

You have to get better at saying no.  You have to.  Statistically speaking most of the dates you go on will not lead to a relationship, so you have got to get more picky, my friend.  You don’t want to wind up the husband of someone who buys samurai sword umbrellas and doesn’t empty ash trays.

Listen, Carl.   You get one life.  One.  Live it for yourself.  Make yourself happy.  In order to do that, you have to learn how to say no when you’re not into someone.   Don’t settle for less than the life you deserve.  If the guy you’re on a date with doesn’t inspire you, or make you feel weak in the knees, or have an awesome comic book collection, then you have to kick him to the curb.  This can be done bluntly, or more gently, but you have to get the job done, kiddo.

You’re worth it.  You are.

Thanks for writing in.

Jerk.

Hate Mail: Part Two

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle 

This is a continued post from a hate letter I got a while back.  Enjoy, Jerks.

Him:  Well, what you consider funny, without all the context, comes off as kind of dickish. I get it, you’re trying to be a seinfeldesque sarcastic New Yorker. Thing is, that’s not how we really are. You’re just acting as a caricature of what you think a New Yorker is, it makes us all look bad, and I don’t like it.

Me:  Well, then, you better look away buddy, because I’m not going anywhere.  I’m just writing about things I find interesting.  Granted, most of the time those things are heart-wrenching private moments, or awkward dates I go on.  I don’t think that it much resembles Seinfeld, but thanks for the compliment.

I’m just using my blog to process weird things that happen to me.

If I make all New Yorkers look bad in the process, bonus.

Him:  The couple of encounters I read about did strike a chord with me, and yes, negatively. I get the impression that you’re painting a picture of a snide gay man, and that’s another thing I don’t like. I know so many people who are gay, but are so turned off towards participating in the gay community because they feel they are constantly getting scrutinized and judged by everyone around them.

Me:  I don’t think I’m being all that snide.  I’m respectful and friendly to my dates.  I give them a lot of leeway.  I just happen to call it out if they act particularly self-absorbed or insensitive.  And hey, if they’re funny or charming about it – I make out with them anyway.  I don’t reveal who they are, so I’m not sure what the crime is, exactly, in talking about them.

So you think the Gay community scrutinizes and judges?  Sort of like, what you’re doing, right now – writing to a total stranger, and telling him why you don’t like him?

I can see how there could stand to be less of that in the Gay community.  Good point.

Him:  I’ve had some unusual encounters too, but when it reaches the point where I’m not comfortable anymore, I say “well, I’m going to go now, goodbye,” and I walk away. I don’t sit there and ridicule the person I have no interest in for my own personal entertainment.

Me:  I don’t sit there and ridicule the person either.  I take notes on their terrible behavior, so I can report it back to the snide, judgmental Gay internet.  Jeez.  You have a lot to learn if you’re going to start a Seinfeldian Gay pie blog, mister.

Him:  What I’m implying is either take it or leave it when it comes to living here. I’ve lived here my whole life, and I love it. There’s never a dull moment here, and so many people are here just for the sake of being here, that they forget just how awesome this city is. Yes, there are people from all walks of life here, you’re going to have to deal with that. Someone has to make the subway sandwiches for you, right?

Me:  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….  what?  Is it my turn to respond?  I fell asleep…  Sorry.  Something was really boring the shit out of me, but i swear it wasn’t your banal platitudes.  It was something else.  I promise.

Are you really bringing up the Subway sandwich guy?  He pulled his dick out in the park and talked a bunch of ‘sup bro’ shit at me.  Sorry, kiddo, but I’m going to make fun of that.

Yes I am.

Him:  I think what it all comes down to is that I’ve run out of patience with the whole hipster thing. I assume by the thick rimmed glasses, you’re part of that sub-culture too. I think what it all comes down to is that previous generations said “I’m going to do whatever I can to not be like my parents.” Whereas this generation is trying to be EXACTLY like their parents. I mean, WTF? Why bother living if you aren’t going to even try to blaze your own path. How many other “20 – 35 somethings” in Williamsburg are comedians, or actors, or making a blog about their horribly average lives but giving it a slant to make it more appealing, or sell artisan food products out of their apartment, do you get what I’m saying? I don’t care much for being ostracized by people because I choose not to bake for a living. This subculture should have lasted for about a week, but it’s become this utterly annoying thing that’s got way too big to manage, and now they’re sitting in a park in Manhattan, telling me how I’m supposed to feel about the government. No thanks.

Me:  Ouch.  That part really hit home.  I guess when you think about it, I AM trying to be just like my parents.  They both have pie blogs where they talk about awkward Gay dates.  I’m so derivative.

Hey.  I’m sorry for ostracizing you because you don’t bake.  I’ve been doing that for years.  Since elementary school – bullying kids who don’t have perfectly flaky crusts.  Oh man, the football players in my rural high school that cried when I criticized their croissants – but I had to!!  I had to sit on top of this baking heirarchy that excludes salt of the earth people like you.

Now look what you’ve done:  I’m crying in the lap of my rather handsome young baking helper.  I hope you’re satisifed.  You really held up a mirror and showed me who I really am.

I mean, you could have just walked away, and never gone to my site again, but you didn’t.  You did everyone a favor and lobbed a bunch of super weak criticisms at me.

You’ll never believe this, but I had a good time answering this letter.  You really made my day.  Thanks for writing in.

Jerk.

What Gay People Talk About

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Happy Sunday, Jerks!

Thin Skin Jonny had a show on Friday night at UCBeast.  We were lucky enough to perform with Momma Holler, Kevin Michael Murphy and Lauren Adams, Danger Pin and the hilarious Ben Lerman.

We’re going to be hosting a monthly showcase of comedy music at UCBeast, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

Here’s a clip of us doing Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman’s amazing storytelling show Stripped Stories.  We also did their Sirius Radio podcast!  You can download the episode for free here.  Warning – the song is slightly NSFW.

Thanks for watching, and Happy Sunday!

Jerks.

TuesDATE: Don’t Talk To Me

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by roger wingfield

Him:  Hey.  Remember me?

Me:  Oh God.  No.  Don’t.

Him:  What?

Me:  I do remember you.  Excuse me…

Him:  What’s wrong?  Don’t you wanna talk to me?

Me:  I don’t want to go into it.  People are meeting me here soon and I just want to have a good time, and not have a scene or whatever.

Him:  What??!  I’m not going to cause a scene!!  What did I do??

Me:  Honestly?  You don’t remember?  Come on.  When was the last time you saw me?

Him:  Here?  Didn’t I meet you here one night?

Me:  You did, but that wasn’t the last time I saw you.

Him:  Oh my God!!  My mother was here that night. 

Me:  She was.  Yes she was.

Him:  Oh, me and my mom drink a lot when we get together.  It’s not pretty.

Me:  Right.  You guys were both very flirty with me.

Him:  I remember pouring on the charm, wait, my mother was flirting with you too??

Me:  She kept asking if she could ‘grab my basket,’ and reaching for my crotch.

Him:  Oh, no!  How embarrassing. 

Me:  That was fine.  I mean, it was odd, but I didn’t think too much of it, other than it was strange.

Him:  Well you can’t hold that against me.  It was my mother.  I didn’t do that.

Me:  I know.  But then I saw you after that…

Him:  When?

Me:  A few weeks after that.  On the train.  You don’t remember?

Him:  Refresh my memory.

Me:  Uh…  You and your friend were wasted…  It was around midnight or so, on the L from Manhattan to Brooklyn.

Him:  You’ll have to be more specific.

Me:  Um, you were drunk and talking very loudly.  Then some guy indicated that maybe you should be a little quieter, and not bother everyone.  Does this ring a bell yet?

Him:  I mean, it’s getting clearer, but I have a tendency to have altercations on the train when I’m drinking.

Me:  Okay, so, rather than quiet down, you started talking all ghetto, saying how you were a black lady who grew up in the projects and that you’d been on welfare and subsidized housing programs your entire life and that you didn’t have to take that kind of abuse from some over privileged white hipster boy.

Him:  Oh I remember that night!  Everyone on the train was laughing at that. 

Me:  Well, at first…  For the first 30 seconds or so, the hipster kids were really into your little rant.  But then it went on and on, for like 8 minutes.  Your friend was egging you on at 3rd avenue, but by the time we got to Bedford, nobody was laughing anymore and your friend was begging you to be quiet.   But, uh…  you kept going.

Him:  I don’t remember that.  I only remember being very funny.  Everyone was laughing. 

Me:  At first there was this certain amount of laughter, but then you took it way too far, and started talking about watermelon and chitlins, and all sorts of offensive stuff…  I don’t want to go into what all you said, but there were a growing number of people of color on the train who looked like they wanted to strangle you.   And to be honest, so did I.

Him:  Oh my God.  I don’t have to listen to this.  I have every right to say what I want on the train…  Why don’t you try having a sense of humor, for once?

Me:  You know what bothered me the most?  After you’d successfully alienated everyone on the train?  After that, you made eye contact with me and pointed and said, ‘Oh!  I know you!  You’re the flirty guy from the bar!’  And let me tell you, I was never so glad for it to be my stop as I was right then.

Him:  Oh sorry, Mister High-and-Mighty – I didn’t realize I’m not allowed to talk to you in public.  I drink, okay?  I like to have fun, okay???  I have a sense of humor and I won’t be censored by some tight-ass that doesn’t know how to have a good time!!

Me:  Listen…  I won’t lecture you or even tell you that your little rant on the train was racist, uncomfortable, and possibly worst of all – unfunny.  But don’t talk to me.  If you’re going to make that kind of scene in public, and alienate everyone on the train, DON’T turn around and involve me in your little circus act.  I’m not interested.

Him:  Okay…  Fine…  I won’t talk to you in public.

Me:  No.  You’re not hearing me.  I think you’re an obnoxious, racist brat.  You get wasted and grand stand for attention, which makes people titter for a few seconds, but ultimately leaves them feeling alienated and uncomfortable.

Him:  I think that –

Me:  You’re boring.  I don’t care what you think, or what you have to say.

Him:  How old are you??

Me:  Here’s what’s going to happen, okay?  Don’t talk to me.  Don’t ever talk to me again.  Okay?  Go get drunk with your mother and compete for boys, or whatever you do.  But don’t talk to me.  I will punch you, if you talk to me again.  Got it?

(long pause.  he opens his mouth to say something.  another long pause.  he closes his mouth.  he turns.  he walks away.)

 

Dearest Jerk, S.O.S.

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Michael,

Let me get it off my chest. I’m a huge fan. And I envy you everything.
Call me Mehdi (or whatever is easy to you); I’m 19 and gay. Found out your blog months ago and been a huge fan ever since. There’s something about it that just calms me. I find in it the laughter I need, the friend I never had. See, I live in a Muslim country. I’m not allowed to say any gay-related word. Not even think about it. This has been exhausting to me over the years, not being able to be who I am. Who I wanna be. So I find comfort online, and in your blog. So please don’t stop it. 
So now that I’m done with the my-life-is-miserable part, I’m actually writing to ask you for advice. 
There’s this guy in my class (I’m in 1st year of medical university) and he is totally…what’s the word? I can feel him. Deeply. Whenever my eyes cross his, I get this feeling in my stomach. It’s terrible and addictive at the same time. (I’m sorry for writing such a long mail, I have so much on my mind and you’re the only one I can talk to about this)
He’s cute, HOT, and straight. At least I think so. I’m 19 and I’ve never met a gay boy. Ever. At least not one who was open about it and proud of it. I myself tried to hide it, but since I got into college, I’m more myself then ever. I decided to say fuck all the others. If they hate me for being gay, then they’ll hate. Nothing I can do about it. So yeah. Back to the guy. I really want to ask him, but I’m afraid. What if he’s straight? What if he’s homophobic? Even worse, what if he’s gay and is too scared to admit it? What if he’s gay and is homophobic? oh god. I don’t want to lose him. (Not that he’s mine, but you see).  Okay now I sound like a horny twink that’ll jump on the first thing that crosses his way! Dear god. I’m not like that. 
I’m not. 
I hope you answer me, but I’d understand if you don’t. Just writing about this is making me feel better. (Sorry again for the length) (and sorry for the grammar mistakes) 

PS : There’s this girl that’s constantly flirting with him, and he doesn’t seem to notice it. (Hence why I think he’s str8. Only us gays can see when a girl is trying so hard) Can I just kill her? 
Love you Jerk, xx
Mehdi,
Aw.  You’re such a sweet jerk for writing that letter!  You really made my day.
Well, sort of.  Hearing all the nice things you said made my day.  Hearing about your struggle with homophobia in a hostile environment did not make my day.  I hate to think of sensitive, wonderful, empathetic guys like you suffering in a bigoted society.  I hope someday you can make your way to a more open, accepting part of the world (just not Jamaica – trust me, you don’t want to go there).
So, if you’re having deep ‘feeling’ type moments with this guy, maybe he ‘feels’ you too?  There’s a reason he’s ignoring the flirting girl and making prolonged eye contact with you all day.  Ask him to lunch, or to grab some tea.  It could be that he’s Gay and that he wants to have an affair with you, or just confide in a Gay friend.  It could be that he’s an empathetic straight man who wants to befriend you because he likes you.  It could also be that he’s a royal jerk, who is just noticing you stare at him in class.  But Mehdi, you’ll never know unless you try to become friends with him.  Just put the friendship first, and let whatever develops happen naturally.
And if he winds up being a homophobic jerk? Well, you can stop loving him immediately.  We don’t waste our time with homophobic jerks, right?
As far as the girl is concerned –  be nice to her.  It’s my understanding that Muslim society is frequently oppressive toward women, too.   Let’s consider her a kindred spirit in an oppressive society, and have some mutual respect.  If she winds up being a homophobic jerk, then that’s her problem.
Please don’t kill her.  You think being Gay in a Muslim country is hard?  Try being Gay and incarcerated in a Muslim country.  Not.  Good.
Hey.  I hope you can sift through my sarcasm and find some decent advice.  You’re a beautiful, kind young man and I was touched by your letter.  I think you owe it to yourself to create a network of people around you that can support you and love you.
Make friends.  See where things go.  Keep your heart open.  But, stay tough too.  I’m proud of you.
Thanks for writing.
Jerk.

FriDATE: I Love You

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  I love this place.

Me:  I know.  It’s gonna be hard, not having coffee here when you go back to Chicago, right?

Him:  I can’t believe I stayed here the whole five days.  I was supposed to play it cool, stay with friends a night or two…

(pause)

Me:  Oh.  No.

Him:  What?

Me:  Oh man.  Look at that couple that just walked in.

Him:  Do you know them?

Me:  Uh.  No.  But I can’t stand them.

Him:  I’m sorry? 

Me:  This happens to me only rarely.  Sometimes I decide that I don’t like someone based solely on observing them for an extended period of time.

Him:  OH!  Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.  What did these two do?

Me:  You know, I can’t say, exactly.  It’s just….  them.  I’ve seen them all over the neighborhood lately.  I’d never seen them before and then they started popping up everywhere, turning their noses up at things…

Him:  You’re talking about the Gay couple that just walked in?

Me:  Uh.  Yes…  Do you see anyone else snootily turning their noses up at everything?

Him:  Hm.  Good point.

Me:  Watch them.   They’ll be perfectly friendly, but they’ll have a snotty, snide air the whole time.  They’re even worse on the train, when they’re not on good behavior.

Him:  This is good behavior?

Me:  Apparently.  Look at the tall one.  He’s the worst.  The smaller one, the red head, would be okay on his own, but together they’re this big, palpable, Gay nuisance.

Him:  I agree.  The red head is simply beady-eyed, and untrustworthy.   But the taller one, he just oozes sarcasm and punishing Gay hipster irony. 

Me:  Yes.  Somebody was mean to him in high school, and now he’s making up for it by cunting all over younger, more impressionable art Fags.  Uh oh…

Him:  What?

Me:  It’s occurring to me that we’re as bad as them.  We’re being as judgmental as we imagine them to be.

Him:  Don’t say that!  We can’t be as awful as them.  We at least control our facial expressions.

Me:  True enough, the taller, more stork-like one walks around all day with a scrunched up scowl.

Him:  As if he’s constantly smelling bad cheese.

Me:  HA.  Exactly.

Him:  Safe to say, we don’t know them but we hate them.

Me:  Ha.  Okay.  Oh.

Him:  What?

Me:  Speaking of love and hate.

Him:  Yes?

Me:  Last night…  when i was boning you…

Him:  Oh no.  I thought you missed that! I thought you didn’t notice.

Me:  Uh.  People notice stuff like that.

Him:  DON’T.  It was a syntax error, if anything.

Me:  I think you mean scansion.  It didn’t scan the way you intended.

Him:  So embarrassing.  Why would you bring this up now?

Me:  Hey, it’s not every day that someone you’ve known for a week says ‘I love you,’ while you’re having sex.

Him:  I said:  “I love you inside me.”

Me:  You said ‘I love you,’ and then a long pause, and then you said,’ inside me.’

(long pause)

Me:  It’s okay.  I thought it was cute.  I was like ‘aw…  he’s having I love you fantasies.’

Him:  No, that’s not it.  It was feeling really good, and I meant to say I love you inside me, but in the middle of the sentence i got caught up in what was going on.  It was just a mistake.

Me:  Hey.  I am just breaking your balls.  I know it wasn’t a love confession.  If anything I thought it was cute.

Him:  Okay.   That’s good to know. 

(pause)

Him:  Oh, look at them now.  Looks like the storky one doesn’t like his pastry.

Me:  Oh NO!!  His Sunday afternoon is ruined!!

Him:  Whatever will he DO??

Me:  He’ll have to be content with his own sense of self satisfaction.  It will have to suffice.

Him:  Somehow, I think it will.

Me:  Hey, can I say something?

Him:  Okay.

Me:  I really love you.

(long pause)

Me:  When you make fun of people with me.

Him:  You’re such a jerk.

Me:  You’re right.  I am.

ThursDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

kristen yoonsoo kim

Him:  Hey.

Me:  Hey.  Are you K.?

Him:  Yeah that’s right.  Why?  Disappointed?

Me:  Uh, no.  Not at all.  You’re very attractive.

(pause)

Me:  Why?  Are people usually disappointed?

Him:  Ha. No.  Why would they be??

Me:  Uh..  I don’t….  Did I sound disappointed?

Him:  No, I was just feeling insecure, duh…

Me:  Oh okay.  Yeah…  Duh.

Him:  I hope you don’t think I’m going to bottom for you, just because we met up for coffee.

Me:  Wait, what?

Him:  Coffee is coffee.  I want to make that clear.

Me:  Okay.  I know what coffee is.

Him:  I’m not even a bottom.  I don’t really bottom that much.

Me:  Hey.  That’s fine.  We’re just grabbing a cup of coffee, like you said.

Him:  Fine.

(pause)

Me:  Do people frequently think you’re a bottom?

Him:  Yeah, and it’s irritating.

Me:  Why so?

Him:  I want to be more than just that. 

Me:  Well, most people on Adam4Adam are looking to have sex.

Him:  I know.  I don’t mind hooking up, if the vibe is right.

Me:  I thought you were looking for more than that.

Him:  Well…  ultimately…  but I have to live a life, don’t I?

Me:  Okay.

Him:  Anyway, I don’t want to come off like some bottom slut.

Me: Cool it, mister.  You’re doing fine.  Just relax.

(pause)

Me:  Also, you shouldn’t list yourself as a bottom on online dating sites, if you don’t want people to think that of you.

Him:  But that’s what I like!  I like to bottom.  I much prefer it.

Me:  So, then you’re a bottom.

Him:  Stop it!  I don’t want people thinking that!!

Me:  Jesus.  Okay.  My bad.

(pause)

Him:  Are you disappointed?

Me:  No.

Him:  I feel like you’re disappointed. 

Me:  I’m not.  It’s just a lot.

Him:  Don’t SAY that!!  What’s a lot?

Me:  All this.  I meet up with you for a cup of coffee, and we’re here not more than four minutes, and you’re talking about how you’re a bottom/not a bottom/not to expect you to bottom and wondering if I’m disappointed.

Him:  I knew it.  You’re disappointed.

Me:  I’m not.  I’m just a little overwhelmed.  Can’t we just hang out and chat for a second like normal people?

Him:  Okay.  Fine.

(long pause)

Me:  So when’s the last time you bottomed?

Him:  WHAT?

Me:  Sorry.  That’s my sense of humor.  I thought it would be funny to ask that question, after this totally awkward exchange.  I thought it was funny.  Sorry.

Him:  You shouldn’t be so forward.

Me:  To be fair, you brought up bottoming like, two seconds into this conversation, so…

Him:  Stop!  It’s difficult.  Everyone thinks I’m a bottom.

Me:  I know.  Now I can’t wait until you go to the bathroom.

Him:  Why?  Txt your friends how disappointed you are?

Me:  I’m. Not. Disappointed.

Him:  Why do you want me to go to the bathroom, then?

Me:  I want to see this bottom that everyone’s going nuts over.

Him:  Oh stop it.  You’re way too forward.

Me:  You’re totally right.  I am.  I am way too forward.

Him:  What are you doing after this?

Me:  Some light work at home.   Maybe cooking dinner.  Why?

Him:  I kind of feel like bottoming.

(long pause.  we both start laughing)