Him: Hey.
Me: Hey. Are you K.?
Him: Yeah that’s right. Why? Disappointed?
Me: Uh, no. Not at all. You’re very attractive.
(pause)
Me: Why? Are people usually disappointed?
Him: Ha. No. Why would they be??
Me: Uh.. I don’t…. Did I sound disappointed?
Him: No, I was just feeling insecure, duh…
Me: Oh okay. Yeah… Duh.
Him: I hope you don’t think I’m going to bottom for you, just because we met up for coffee.
Me: Wait, what?
Him: Coffee is coffee. I want to make that clear.
Me: Okay. I know what coffee is.
Him: I’m not even a bottom. I don’t really bottom that much.
Me: Hey. That’s fine. We’re just grabbing a cup of coffee, like you said.
Him: Fine.
(pause)
Me: Do people frequently think you’re a bottom?
Him: Yeah, and it’s irritating.
Me: Why so?
Him: I want to be more than just that.
Me: Well, most people on Adam4Adam are looking to have sex.
Him: I know. I don’t mind hooking up, if the vibe is right.
Me: I thought you were looking for more than that.
Him: Well… ultimately… but I have to live a life, don’t I?
Me: Okay.
Him: Anyway, I don’t want to come off like some bottom slut.
Me: Cool it, mister. You’re doing fine. Just relax.
(pause)
Me: Also, you shouldn’t list yourself as a bottom on online dating sites, if you don’t want people to think that of you.
Him: But that’s what I like! I like to bottom. I much prefer it.
Me: So, then you’re a bottom.
Him: Stop it! I don’t want people thinking that!!
Me: Jesus. Okay. My bad.
(pause)
Him: Are you disappointed?
Me: No.
Him: I feel like you’re disappointed.
Me: I’m not. It’s just a lot.
Him: Don’t SAY that!! What’s a lot?
Me: All this. I meet up with you for a cup of coffee, and we’re here not more than four minutes, and you’re talking about how you’re a bottom/not a bottom/not to expect you to bottom and wondering if I’m disappointed.
Him: I knew it. You’re disappointed.
Me: I’m not. I’m just a little overwhelmed. Can’t we just hang out and chat for a second like normal people?
Him: Okay. Fine.
(long pause)
Me: So when’s the last time you bottomed?
Him: WHAT?
Me: Sorry. That’s my sense of humor. I thought it would be funny to ask that question, after this totally awkward exchange. I thought it was funny. Sorry.
Him: You shouldn’t be so forward.
Me: To be fair, you brought up bottoming like, two seconds into this conversation, so…
Him: Stop! It’s difficult. Everyone thinks I’m a bottom.
Me: I know. Now I can’t wait until you go to the bathroom.
Him: Why? Txt your friends how disappointed you are?
Me: I’m. Not. Disappointed.
Him: Why do you want me to go to the bathroom, then?
Me: I want to see this bottom that everyone’s going nuts over.
Him: Oh stop it. You’re way too forward.
Me: You’re totally right. I am. I am way too forward.
Him: What are you doing after this?
Me: Some light work at home. Maybe cooking dinner. Why?
Him: I kind of feel like bottoming.
(long pause. we both start laughing)
PIEFOLK 