Keep on Shitting, Ray Ray.

Okay, see this guy?  What?  No that’s not a puppet.  It’s Chris Gethard.

Why would you ask me if it was a puppet?  It’s clearly a person.  Weird question.  Stop asking weird questions and listen:

Okay.  Chris Gethard is a local comic.  He’s a good guy, and he’s done nice stuff for me.  One time this sketch show was looking for gay comics and he got me seen for it.  I didn’t know him very well at all, he just got me seen because he thought I was funny.  He’d seen me in a show.

If you’re not in show biz, that’s a big deal.  Actors and comics don’t often go out of their way to get friends seen for stuff, much less acquaintances.   I never forgot that.  I doubt I ever will.

Sidebar: I made a gluten free quiche over the holidays that nobody in my family will ever forget.

Looks great, doesn’t it?

It was terrible.  It was really not a success.

The filling was fine, but the crust was just…  let’s not talk about it, okay?

Back to Gethard:

Okay, so Chris is a downtown comedy icon.  He’s been on the scene for more than a decade, and he’s a respected teacher and performer at the UCB theater.  He booked a sitcom in 2010 called Big Lake with Horatio Sanz  and Chris Parnell.

Who’s Chris Parnell?  Don’t you dare say that to me, ever.  He was on SNL (fired and re-hired more than once) and he’s widely regarded as one of the most talented, underrated sketch comics of his generation.  Seriously.  Stop asking weird questions.  It’s annoying.

So, Chris Gethard has a show, The Chris Gethard show, at UCB theater.  Usually he does crazy stunts with his ragtag group of funny friends.  Once in a while they pull a nice prank.  But every so often they do something totally inspiring.  You should check out The Chris Gethard Show – it’s worth it.

What?  Oh.  Here’s the thing with a gluten free crust.  Apparently you can’t just substitute your regular pie recipe.  Things should be tweaked, or you should do some research on the internet.  I followed my normal white flour recipe and the crust was nearly inedible.

Some of my family pretended to like it.  Some did not.

HEY.  I said I didn’t want to talk about it.

Him?  That’s Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs.  Puff Daddy.  P.Diddy.  Diddy.  Flapjack and the Doodle Gang.  Sean John.  He goes by many names.

But you know who he is.  Stop acting like you don’t.

Here’s what he has to do with all this:

About a year ago Gethard made a video asking Diddy to come on his show.  I think it might have started as a joke, but maybe it wasn’t.  With Gethard you never know.  But he makes these crazy things happen.  He sets his mind to stuff and he doesn’t ever let go.  Just like Diddy.  Gethard and his friends started hounding people on Twitter to bother Diddy into doing the show.

Seriously.  It was a shitty quiche.

It was really bad.

My family ate it though.  And I’ll tinker with the recipe.  A lot of my friends (including my sister in law, Robin) have gluten intolerance, and a tasty gluten free pie should ABSOLUTELY be in the arsenal.

What?  No that’s not a puppet.  It’s clearly a shitty quiche.


A year and tens of thousands of Tweets later, and Diddy appeared on Chris Gethard’s show.  Sounds easy?  I’m sure it wasn’t.  Sound exhilerating?  I’m sure it was.  Diddy did the show.  All hour long.  He participated in all the bits just like a regular cast member.  Everyone in the community was super psyched that Chris made this happen.  It was hilarious and emotional.

Chris.  Thanks for inspiring me.  Here’s some pics from the show.  Enjoy it, jerks.

Oh look.  It’s my internet (and real life) stalker, Alan Starzinski.

Late Night Baking

Let’s face it.  Winter can really make you stir crazy.  Like really.  Stir.  Crazy.

Okay.  So it’s not that bad, obviously.

I don’t have ‘the Shine.’

I don’t chase my wife and child through a hedge maze.

I’m not best friends with two dead twins, a creepy Bigwheel poltergeist ghost, or a drowned granny.

But I decided to make a midnight quiche, anyway, to ward of the stir crazies.  Remember that movie?  Richard Prior and Gene Wilder.  They don’t make that kind of film anymore.

Now it’s all about high schoolers having sex with pies. Not the same.

I mean.  It can get to you.  Cooped up in your apartment, waiting to book the next acting or comedy gig.

You start having dark thoughts.  Like, what’s the meaning of life?  And, why don’t I poop more often?  Five times a week?  Is that enough?  Am I giving myself colon cancer?

Why does that one bus driver keep looking at me weird and striking up conversations?  Is he a stereotype from a heartwarming movie?  Is he gay?  He seems rugged and un-gay.  Maybe he’s stalking me for his first kill as a serial killer?  Why don’t I poop more often?

I made a mushroom and bacon quiche.

I have been improvising the quiche recipes lately.

Now’s it’s just, mix whatever eggs with whatever cream i have and then throw in some meat/vegetable combo.



Oh.  Sidebar.  I allow myself one off-topic non sequitur per blog entry:

When the Oxygen channel launched, I thought to myself, oh, that’s good – there’s finally going to be a channel that takes women seriously.  Someone’s going to correct the mistakes made by the Lifetime network.  Someone’s finally going to push an anti-misogynist agenda.

Well, score one for feminism.

Good job, Oxygen!

Okay.  Before I hack the bathroom door open with an axe, here are some pics of the quiche.

Who’s better than ARI SCOTT?

Nobody.  Nobody is better than Ari Scott.

What’s that you’re nattering about?  Okay.  I guess Jesus.  Jesus is better, if you’re speaking semantics.

I mean.  He did start one of the world’s big three problem religions, so maybe Ari IS better.   Don’t get mad, I’m not saying your beliefs are dumb, I’m merely pointing out that a lot of blood has been shed over the Christian/Jew/Muslim thing over the last few thousand years.  Right.  And still.  Now.  We’re still doing the bloodshed thing.

What?  All this secular talk is unpopular and people want to hear about Ari Scott, and her connection to pie?

Fine.  Will you pay the National Grid bill, if I get to the blog entry?  WHAT?  You don’t have 41.75 in your bank account?  Oh man.  I gotta move outta Williamsburg.  NO.  It’s not funny that you’re broke.  Yes.  I do have a sense of humor.

Clearly Ari has a sense of humor:

See that photo?  It’s funny.  Mostly out of irony, which, fuck you guys, is not dead.  I agree – the insufferable hipsters people NEARLY beat it to death in the aughts.

Ari clearly proves that irony is not dead and is still very funny.

SHE’S not a strident upper-middle class housewife with a dog, as this picture clearly suggests.

She’s a thriving, relevant New York Comedian.  Musician.  Let’s settle on Photographer and call it a day.

Point is, she doesn’t HAVE to pick.  She’s great at all of that stuff.

Check her out if you don’t believe me:

I’ll wait here a minute and preheat my oven.

Back?  See?  I told you.

So, Ari had a 365 project in 2010.  Photos.  You can see it on her website.  Go back.  BACK.  USE THE PAGE NAVIGATOR.  THE ARROWS!!!!!!!  THE ARROWS!!!!  Okay.  Now click on the icon that says Flicker #1.  That’s her stuff, fool. She had this 365 project, where she took a self portrait every day for 365 days.  Guess what?  She finished it.

Him?  That’s John Frusciante.  Ari’s fiance.

NO SMARTASS, not the guitarist from RED Hot Chilli Peppers.  He’s a comic at UCB theater and in New York and on the Internet.   He organized a nice surprise party for Ari.  He had some of her friends bring laptops to the UCB training center and set them up like a gallery, but on iMacs.  Hot, right?  It’s a start.   She’ll be in art galleries soon, kiddo, not to worry.

By the way, John’s nick name is Fresh Titties.

Why?  Because that’s the freshest supply of tatas.  Clearly.  Stop asking questions.  WHY DO I KEEP YOU AROUND?  Put your pants on.  I remember now.

I made another Mexican Silk for this party.  I wanted to get the recipe right, and I think I did.   Didn’t I?  Oh right.  You didn’t get any of it.  BECAUSE YOU LEFT THE SINK ON.


Oh come on, you know you di…  never mind.

I got it right this time, with more cayenne and cinnamon to really pack that punch in the crust.

A lot of fun, funny people came to support ari and her surprise party.  I was busy obsessing about the pie, but I heard them saying nice things about her.

“I’m Leslie and I’m super cool.  I wrote a show called Love Can Suck a Dick with Megan Nurenger.  It’s super funny and it’s playing on Friday at 7:30 at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater with Pam Murphy’s award winning The C Word.  Wow this pie Michael made is world class.”

“I’m Geoff Garlock.  Yes, you really spell it that way, why? I’m in a buncha bands and I write comedy for Maude night and other stuff around UCB and New York.   AND the internet!  Do you like my new haircut?  I change my look often, and this is a capricious throwaway.  Tomorrow, preppy, maybe.  Michael Martin is funny.”

“I’m Kirk Damato.  This is my girlfriend Sarah.  No.  Not her.  Not the smiling one, that’s Pam.  Why would she be smiling if she was my girlfriend?  The smirking one.  Yes.  Yes.  I know.  I AM LUCKY. Why am I looking sullen?  Because I have a desperate need to appear interesting, just like every other comic in the world.  Speaking of comedy, I am on an improv team called Decoster at UCB.  Or I was.  It’s complicated.  Now I’m in Japan.  Look my acting adventures up on  The point is, I’m here for Ari’s party and to tell Michael how hilariously wonderful EVERY SINGLE THING HE’S EVER DONE IN HIS LIFE IS.”

Stop it Kirk. GUYS.  This is about Ari.


Speaking of God, did I say something secular?  I did.  Yes.  Good.  I’m kind of secular.

Ari is a wonderful lady.  Very kind.  Very talented in many areas.  John is a good fiance.  They are lucky.  Here are photos of the event.

This man is not funny.

BD 11

Don’t touch that.  Just don’t!  Because I said so.  Now you’re rubbing your eye.  Now you’re sneezing and crying.  BECAUSE, DUMMY.  It’s not cinnamon – it’s cayenne pepper.  I told you not to touch it.  It’s going into my next set of pies.  Specifically, I’m whisking it into the flour before I cut the fat into the crust.

You can’t see it but it’s in there.  There’s cayenne pepper and cinnamon.  It’s mostly invisible – like Mary Kate Olsen.  Or Ashley.  Whichever is the one who doesn’t ever eat.

OH?  Both of them?  Really?

Do you KNOW that, or are you just spreading rumors?

Then shut up, this is my blogging time.

I was asked to another fancy party, and I’m making a pie.  What’s going on with my calendar this holiday season?  Not that I’m complaining.  It beats ringing in the new year with the Sissor Sisters at Metropolitan Bar.  No, I’m totally excited to go to the home of a well connected Asian American Broadway Legend and TV star.  Look, I’m not going to spell it out for you, mostly because I forgot to ask permission to use his name on my website.  But, piece it together, dummy.


So it’s going to be a Mexican Silk pie.  I took the traditional French Silk recipe and made some minor changes. Along with the crust, laden with cinnamon and cayenne – I’m adding Smoked Hungarian Paprika to the chocolate filling.  I want it to be smoky, chocolaty, and spicy – like a Mexican Hot Chocolate.

Once I had a ‘Mexican Hot Chocolate’ during spring break at South of the Border.  You know what?  I’m not going to tell that story right now, because I realize that I’m using the phrase euphemistically to describe a sex act with a certain equine barnyard animal.  The point is, I’ll never take mushrooms again.

Also, if you see a half human, half donkey from Mexico looking for his father – you never met me.  Got it?

There were no mushrooms in this pie, just chocolate, eggs, butter, and sugar.  Lots and lots of sugar.  And that Hungarian Paprika.  I know, it sounds weird right?  It was actually really good.  Like, so so good.  And you have to realize – there were wealthy New Yorkers there!  You can’t serve them DINER FRENCH SILK PIE!!!  You have to serve them something crazy that sounds like garbage, but is really quite elegant.  There’s no cooking in NY anymore without being an insufferable foodie.  Insufferable,I said.  INSUFFERABLE!!!!!  WELL THEN COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND SHUT THE SINK OFF, DUMMY.

Sheesh…   Okay.   So.  This guy on the billboard?

This is Daniel K. Isaac.

He’s a nice guy.  He’s the one that invited me to the party.

What?  Yeah I GUESS he’s good looking, if you like tall dark and super cute.

I guess so?  I never thought about it.  Okay.  Yes.  He’s handsome.  Anyway…  YES.  HE’S VERY GOOD LOOKING.  CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION BACK PLEASE???  Lordy.  You’re unfocused today.

Okay so I topped the pie with whipped cream, and white/dark chocolate fragments.  It was supposed to look like confetti, for New Years.  What?  Yes, I suppose it was a little ‘on the nose.’  Thanks for pointing that out.  Jerk.

On top of the confetti, I made pie crust ‘cookies.’  They’re covered with dark and white chocolate.

What?  It’s an 11. Stop gaslighting me.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception.

Oh yeah, this is Jon Norman Schneider.  I know, super cute, right?  I have to mention that he was a huge help with the pie, and designed the typography for the 11 that you were just being so snide about.  What?  I guess so…  I never thought about it.  Yeah, I guess he IS a hottie.  Pay attention.  YES.  I AGREE.  HE’S VERY GOOD LOOKING!!!  CAN WE MOVE ON???

Sheesh…  Jon is a talented actor and has ruined many shows up and down the east coast and really, all over the country.  He continues to book film and tv work.  Look for him in the upcoming Bryan Greenberg movie The Normals.  He ruins it by playing a weirdo.  (He doesn’t ruin anything – he’s great.  AND hold on to your hats, ladies – he remains unmarried)

There were a lot of unmarried men at this party.  A LOT.  Do I have to draw you a picture?

Hm… Okay…  When two men love each other very much, and have been dating for a significant amount of… never mind.  Just leave it in the same head space as the Mexican Hot Chocolate comment.

I mean.  Some of the people in this photo HAVE to be women, right?

Somewhere in there?


Okay.  This blog entry is getting out of hand.  I’m going to have to lay down the LAW with you guys AND establish some ORDER.  What?  I said I’m going to have to…  just turn the sink off and come out of the bathroom, will you?  No?  Okay, then I’m not telling you whose party it was.    No.  I’m not.  I’m ending the blog entry. Yes.  I am.

Happy New Year, jerks!



Let’s face it.  You’re too PC to say ‘Merry Christmas.’  You’re not smart enough to have been born Jewish, and celebrate Hanukkah.  You’re really not the Kwanzaa type, and saying ‘Happy Winter Solstice’ either incriminates you as being an Atheist (smug sense of self satisfaction) or as being a Pagan (tree lover who might smoke too much weed).

You need a Festivus.

I got to attend one, too, at a certain comedy legend’s house on the Upper West Side.  And let me tell you – it was wonderful

Here’s how to get invited:

STEP ONE Make friends with an up and coming young director who drives you crazy, but is ultimately a mensch.  Stay friends with him years.  Do shows with him for little money, or free.  See him at the 24 hour grocery store at odd hours.  Work on projects with him that include such notable actors as the guy who played Multiple Miggs from the Silence of the Lambs, and Karen Gorney from Saturday Night Fever.

STEP TWO:  Accept an invitation to a comedy legend’s house, as this director’s date.  Two days later, at four am, you will get a phone call.  It will be the director friend.  Unfortunately, he will tell you, his plane to Patagonia has been canceled, so he’ll have to take an earlier flight, but shouldn’t you just crash the party with the pie you baked for it?

Shouldn’t you go with his actress friend who you’ve never met in your life?  Shouldn’t you mingle with celebrities with no friends at this party?  OF COURSE YOU SHOULD, DUMMY – you’re a young actor who needs to make contacts.  Get off your ass and bake that pie.  And while you’re at it, go to a local coffee shop, pick up your friends’ keys, go to your friend’s house, unlock his room, search his room for a tie that he bought the Comedy Legend, lock his house, call that actress that you’ve never met and make plans.  Don’t forget you have a pie in the oven!  Is it burning??? Go home and check it!!!  

Oh thank heavens.  The pie is not burned.  Whew! BUT, you have to leave in half an hour.  How the hell are you going to cool a pie in HALF AN HOUR?  Ah!  It’s winter and you have a fire escape.  True, you live next to the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, but I guess carbon monoxide will just have to be an extra ingredient to this pie.  Plus, if people notice the faint taste of rubber tire dust you can always make yourself look intellectual by blaming Robert Moses, who built the BQE in the first place.  Ken Burns made him quite the villain in that New York documentary!

This is Robert Moses.  I can’t believe you didn’t know who he was?  He’s almost single-handedly responsible for car culture in New York.  Read a book, fool.

STEP THREEGet to the party!  Come on!  You have about 40 minutes before you have to meet that charming young actress.  She’s from LA and she doesn’t know how to get around New York.  Take a shower – you stink!  Also, wear the right outfit.  You need to be stylish, cute, and just so.  BUT DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TOO HARD.  Bag up the pie!  Get the addresses you need from your iPhone.  Get on your way!

WHAT?  Your Mother is calling??  Of course she is!  It’s Christmas eve!!!  ANSWER THE PHONE!!!  Now be gracious as you’re running out the door.  Tell her you love her and miss her.  Good.  You’re a good boy.


Why is everyone wearing black?  It’s Festivus!  Oh well.

Step Four:  Have fun, stupid.  These are just people, after all.  You have brought a pie, and these guys are nice enough to invite you into their home.  Say something nice to everyone, and make conversation.  It’s not really a big deal.  It’s just Festivus.  And guess what?  That actress that you met?  She’s pretty darn charming!  And what a looker.  Enjoy the party.

Top Chef Party Tonight

My friend Jeff’s 33rd birthday is tonight.  He’s hosting a top chef party.  There are going to be 8 chefs preparing food for judging, plus an ingredient tasting competition, and a quick fire challenge.  I’m filming it for my blog.  Let’s hope I don’t pull another boner!

I’m serving:  European Farmer’s Brunch.  Sopresatta and Basil Quiche with roasted Asparagus and fresh Croissant.  Here’s some pics!