I’m With Magneto

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Tri Vo Studio

Me: What is this theater? A speak easy?

Him: It’s the closest one to my house.

Me: There’s no sign. I had to circle the block three times to figure out where it was.

Him: They’re doing construction. I bought a bunch of snacks.  You’re stressed out. Let’s have fun.

(We watch the movie. We do have fun. Then…)

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Me: Aw, Jeez… You’re being nice and I’m being horrible.  Thanks for the movie and the snacks, sweet boy.

Him: It’s okay. You have an emotional investment in the franchise; me too. I’ve been reading X-Men since i was a kid.

Me: Me too, since I was 8 years old.

Him: What did you think?

Me: I can’t but love it. I have to. It’s about us. It’s about LGBTQ.

Him: Singer really pushed the homosexual imagery hard – all  that man on man fondling! Long, deep eye contact…

Me: He did. I got really emotional. Certain lines they delivered seemed to be speaking directly to Us. Almost like Singer wanted Us to hear his advice.

Him: ‘No, no. We don’t hurt our own kind.’

Me: YES! ‘Mutant and Proud.’

Him: That was clearly the underlying moral of the movie.

Me: I know. ‘You didn’t ask, so I didn’t tell.’

Him: Also, the hero, Charles Xavier, has big flaws. He invades people’s minds even after he has promised not to. He pressures Mystique to ‘cover’ her true form in public.

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Me: Covering is a real problem right now in the Gay community.  The pressure for us to mute ourselves can be felt any time we hang out with straight people. It’s not fair, and they don’t even realize they’re coyly asking us to do that, when we’re with them.

Him: They always do that. They all always do that.

Me: They frequently do that. But not all of them, and not always.

Him: How many of your comedy teams have pressured you to smooth out the gay around the edges?

Me: All of them, at one point or another. But, that’s comedy.

Him: I’m with Magneto. I’m a separatist.

Me: No, you’re not. You’re not willing to kill or maim or terrorize people in order to gain your equality.

(long silence)

Me: Stop. Don’t look at me like that. You’re not willing to do that.

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Him: I agree with the philosophy. By any means necessary. It boils down to Xavier/Magneto being Dr. King/Malcolm X.

Me: I know. But what makes one argument compelling is that the other exists. One side of the argument is not compelling without the opposite point of view. It’s useless to say that you agree with Dr. King or Malcolm X., becaue you know in your heart that they are both right.

Him: I don’t care anymore. I’ve found a way to be completely homo-social. I only associate with Gay people except for my mother.

Me: That’s very narrow.

Him: I’m Chinese-American and Gay. What can I do? There’s a whole world out there that hates me for one reason or another.  I’m not going to devote my  life to fighting for the respect of people that aren’t as smart as I am.

Me: That’s your right, but you live in the world. You have straight people around you, and you must interact with them. And by the way, you’re right: you are absolutely smarter than 99% of people.

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Him: My mother is my only female friend. I don’t understand women and they get offended almost every single time I have to interact with them. Their feelings are so sensitive and I don’t have time for that.

Me:  Stop that. It’s not just women. You hurt my feelings all the time, too. I have women in my life I love and respect.  But, I think I get what you’re driving at.  They seem to be wired differently than us. However, if we’re to demand respect from Straights who are wired differently, then we must manifest the generosity of spirit to return that respect. Or screw up the courage to offer the respect first. Certainly, we have to rise above misogyny if we want our own equality.

Him: I am an oppressed minority two times over. I’m not going to start respecting first. I’m not going to start living by their rules. I just want to be left alone. Give us our own country, and one for the Lesbians. Indiana. Nobody wants to live there. Let us have it.

Me: Lesbromolia.

(Pause. No laughter.)

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Hey, if you don’t start first then nobody will start respecting anyone. That’s how respect works. It’s a two way street. We don’t have to live how they tell us, but we must start respecting first, because they have the power. Here’s a better question. How do we take the power?

Him: We start riots in the street. Burn down their houses.  Make it so they’re so afraid they have to turn on fire hoses and shoot us with rubber bullets. And we make sure there are plenty of cameras around when they turn on the fire hoses.

Me: Maybe… That might need to happen. This is America. It seems like major social change has only ever come at the cost of much anguish and bloodshed. Are we ready for that? I’ve always hoped that some sort of amazing Gay Gandhi would come along and show us how to peacefully get what’s ours. We’re not organized enough for that, yet. But there’s change brewing.  You can feel it?

Him:  Yes. But I don’t care. I’m with Magneto. I’m an evil mutant.

Me: That’s okay. I love you anyhow.

(Long pause)

Just remember: We don’t harm our own kind. And use a condom.  And clean out, if you’re going to bottom. Jerk.

(pause)

And be nice to girls.

Him: No.

Me: Yes.

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Thin Skin Jonny

(featured photos by Adam Gardiner)

We’re doing it.  Finally.

After work-shopping and writing , and arguing and re-writing and cutting, and arguing and apologizing, and promoting editing and rehearsing, and arguing and getting all up in each others’ shit we have a show.

And we’re proud of that show.

It’s at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater at 307 West 26th Street.  Saturday, at midnight.  Tickets are five dollars.

Subject matter includes:  abortion, sweat shops, psychic vampires, Four Loko abuse, gay porn addiction, zombies, Bea Arthur, and more…

Come watch as Daniel frets about his mother, Ari claims not to be Gay (yeah right, why else would she join a Gay band??), Marcos becomes more and more obsessed with vaginas, and I pursue a dubious relationship with an underage Korean boy (not Daniel – okay, it’s Daniel).

Your honor, I swear he told me he was 17.  What am I supposed to do?

Check I.D.s??

Joining us on the electric piano is Ari Scott.

Sexy Shameless McGreedy dances and plays clarinet.

The lovely Robbie Fowler plays trumpet, and has some tricks up his sleeve.

The whole shebang is directed by miss Pam Murphy.

Be nice to see you.  We’ll go out afterward and grab a drink.

You’re not being a good stalker if you don’t go, and you’ve been promising me for a long time to stalk me a little better.

Come share this with us, and we’ll go dancing…

How’s that sound?

Jerk.

Who’s better than ARI SCOTT?

Nobody.  Nobody is better than Ari Scott.

What’s that you’re nattering about?  Okay.  I guess Jesus.  Jesus is better, if you’re speaking semantics.

I mean.  He did start one of the world’s big three problem religions, so maybe Ari IS better.   Don’t get mad, I’m not saying your beliefs are dumb, I’m merely pointing out that a lot of blood has been shed over the Christian/Jew/Muslim thing over the last few thousand years.  Right.  And still.  Now.  We’re still doing the bloodshed thing.

What?  All this secular talk is unpopular and people want to hear about Ari Scott, and her connection to pie?

Fine.  Will you pay the National Grid bill, if I get to the blog entry?  WHAT?  You don’t have 41.75 in your bank account?  Oh man.  I gotta move outta Williamsburg.  NO.  It’s not funny that you’re broke.  Yes.  I do have a sense of humor.

Clearly Ari has a sense of humor:

See that photo?  It’s funny.  Mostly out of irony, which, fuck you guys, is not dead.  I agree – the insufferable hipsters people NEARLY beat it to death in the aughts.

Ari clearly proves that irony is not dead and is still very funny.

SHE’S not a strident upper-middle class housewife with a dog, as this picture clearly suggests.

She’s a thriving, relevant New York Comedian.  Musician.  Let’s settle on Photographer and call it a day.

Point is, she doesn’t HAVE to pick.  She’s great at all of that stuff.

Check her out if you don’t believe me:

www.ariscott.com

I’ll wait here a minute and preheat my oven.

Back?  See?  I told you.

So, Ari had a 365 project in 2010.  Photos.  You can see it on her website.  Go back.  BACK.  USE THE PAGE NAVIGATOR.  THE ARROWS!!!!!!!  THE ARROWS!!!!  Okay.  Now click on the icon that says Flicker #1.  That’s her stuff, fool. She had this 365 project, where she took a self portrait every day for 365 days.  Guess what?  She finished it.

Him?  That’s John Frusciante.  Ari’s fiance.

NO SMARTASS, not the guitarist from RED Hot Chilli Peppers.  He’s a comic at UCB theater and in New York and on the Internet.   He organized a nice surprise party for Ari.  He had some of her friends bring laptops to the UCB training center and set them up like a gallery, but on iMacs.  Hot, right?  It’s a start.   She’ll be in art galleries soon, kiddo, not to worry.

By the way, John’s nick name is Fresh Titties.

Why?  Because that’s the freshest supply of tatas.  Clearly.  Stop asking questions.  WHY DO I KEEP YOU AROUND?  Put your pants on.  I remember now.

I made another Mexican Silk for this party.  I wanted to get the recipe right, and I think I did.   Didn’t I?  Oh right.  You didn’t get any of it.  BECAUSE YOU LEFT THE SINK ON.

YES, YOU DID!

Oh come on, you know you di…  never mind.

I got it right this time, with more cayenne and cinnamon to really pack that punch in the crust.

A lot of fun, funny people came to support ari and her surprise party.  I was busy obsessing about the pie, but I heard them saying nice things about her.

“I’m Leslie and I’m super cool.  I wrote a show called Love Can Suck a Dick with Megan Nurenger.  It’s super funny and it’s playing on Friday at 7:30 at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater with Pam Murphy’s award winning The C Word.  Wow this pie Michael made is world class.”

“I’m Geoff Garlock.  Yes, you really spell it that way, why? I’m in a buncha bands and I write comedy for Maude night and other stuff around UCB and New York.   AND the internet!  Do you like my new haircut?  I change my look often, and this is a capricious throwaway.  Tomorrow, preppy, maybe.  Michael Martin is funny.”

“I’m Kirk Damato.  This is my girlfriend Sarah.  No.  Not her.  Not the smiling one, that’s Pam.  Why would she be smiling if she was my girlfriend?  The smirking one.  Yes.  Yes.  I know.  I AM LUCKY. Why am I looking sullen?  Because I have a desperate need to appear interesting, just like every other comic in the world.  Speaking of comedy, I am on an improv team called Decoster at UCB.  Or I was.  It’s complicated.  Now I’m in Japan.  Look my acting adventures up on www.talkingbreakfast.tumblr.com.  The point is, I’m here for Ari’s party and to tell Michael how hilariously wonderful EVERY SINGLE THING HE’S EVER DONE IN HIS LIFE IS.”

Stop it Kirk. GUYS.  This is about Ari.

GOD.

Speaking of God, did I say something secular?  I did.  Yes.  Good.  I’m kind of secular.

Ari is a wonderful lady.  Very kind.  Very talented in many areas.  John is a good fiance.  They are lucky.  Here are photos of the event.

This man is not funny.