Tag: michael martin

Keep on Shitting, Ray Ray.

by piefolk, posted in Pie, Uncategorized

www.ariscott.com

Okay, see this guy?  What?  No that’s not a puppet.  It’s Chris Gethard.

Why would you ask me if it was a puppet?  It’s clearly a person.  Weird question.  Stop asking weird questions and listen:

Okay.  Chris Gethard is a local comic.  He’s a good guy, and he’s done nice stuff for me.  One time this sketch show was looking for gay comics and he got me seen for it.  I didn’t know him very well at all, he just got me seen because he thought I was funny.  He’d seen me in a show.

If you’re not in show biz, that’s a big deal.  Actors and comics don’t often go out of their way to get friends seen for stuff, much less acquaintances.   I never forgot that.  I doubt I ever will.

Sidebar: I made a gluten free quiche over the holidays that nobody in my family will ever forget.

Looks great, doesn’t it?

It was terrible.  It was really not a success.

The filling was fine, but the crust was just…  let’s not talk about it, okay?

Back to Gethard:

Okay, so Chris is a downtown comedy icon.  He’s been on the scene for more than a decade, and he’s a respected teacher and performer at the UCB theater.  He booked a sitcom in 2010 called Big Lake with Horatio Sanz  and Chris Parnell.

Who’s Chris Parnell?  Don’t you dare say that to me, ever.  He was on SNL (fired and re-hired more than once) and he’s widely regarded as one of the most talented, underrated sketch comics of his generation.  Seriously.  Stop asking weird questions.  It’s annoying.

So, Chris Gethard has a show, The Chris Gethard show, at UCB theater.  Usually he does crazy stunts with his ragtag group of funny friends.  Once in a while they pull a nice prank.  But every so often they do something totally inspiring.  You should check out The Chris Gethard Show – it’s worth it.

What?  Oh.  Here’s the thing with a gluten free crust.  Apparently you can’t just substitute your regular pie recipe.  Things should be tweaked, or you should do some research on the internet.  I followed my normal white flour recipe and the crust was nearly inedible.

Some of my family pretended to like it.  Some did not.

HEY.  I said I didn’t want to talk about it.

Him?  That’s Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs.  Puff Daddy.  P.Diddy.  Diddy.  Flapjack and the Doodle Gang.  Sean John.  He goes by many names.

But you know who he is.  Stop acting like you don’t.

Here’s what he has to do with all this:

About a year ago Gethard made a video asking Diddy to come on his show.  I think it might have started as a joke, but maybe it wasn’t.  With Gethard you never know.  But he makes these crazy things happen.  He sets his mind to stuff and he doesn’t ever let go.  Just like Diddy.  Gethard and his friends started hounding people on Twitter to bother Diddy into doing the show.

Seriously.  It was a shitty quiche.

It was really bad.

My family ate it though.  And I’ll tinker with the recipe.  A lot of my friends (including my sister in law, Robin) have gluten intolerance, and a tasty gluten free pie should ABSOLUTELY be in the arsenal.

What?  No that’s not a puppet.  It’s clearly a shitty quiche.

Clearly.

A year and tens of thousands of Tweets later, and Diddy appeared on Chris Gethard’s show.  Sounds easy?  I’m sure it wasn’t.  Sound exhilerating?  I’m sure it was.  Diddy did the show.  All hour long.  He participated in all the bits just like a regular cast member.  Everyone in the community was super psyched that Chris made this happen.  It was hilarious and emotional.

Chris.  Thanks for inspiring me.  Here’s some pics from the show.  Enjoy it, jerks.

Oh look.  It’s my internet (and real life) stalker, Alan Starzinski.

Late Night Baking

by piefolk, posted in Pie, Uncategorized

Let’s face it.  Winter can really make you stir crazy.  Like really.  Stir.  Crazy.

Okay.  So it’s not that bad, obviously.

I don’t have ‘the Shine.’

I don’t chase my wife and child through a hedge maze.

I’m not best friends with two dead twins, a creepy Bigwheel poltergeist ghost, or a drowned granny.

But I decided to make a midnight quiche, anyway, to ward of the stir crazies.  Remember that movie?  Richard Prior and Gene Wilder.  They don’t make that kind of film anymore.

Now it’s all about high schoolers having sex with pies. Not the same.

I mean.  It can get to you.  Cooped up in your apartment, waiting to book the next acting or comedy gig.

You start having dark thoughts.  Like, what’s the meaning of life?  And, why don’t I poop more often?  Five times a week?  Is that enough?  Am I giving myself colon cancer?

Why does that one bus driver keep looking at me weird and striking up conversations?  Is he a stereotype from a heartwarming movie?  Is he gay?  He seems rugged and un-gay.  Maybe he’s stalking me for his first kill as a serial killer?  Why don’t I poop more often?

I made a mushroom and bacon quiche.

I have been improvising the quiche recipes lately.

Now’s it’s just, mix whatever eggs with whatever cream i have and then throw in some meat/vegetable combo.

Sautee them first.  BECAUSE!!  I ALREADY TOLD YOU!!!   THE BAKING ALONE WON’T SOFTEN THE VEGGIES OR COOK THE MEAT!!!

God.

Oh.  Sidebar.  I allow myself one off-topic non sequitur per blog entry:

When the Oxygen channel launched, I thought to myself, oh, that’s good – there’s finally going to be a channel that takes women seriously.  Someone’s going to correct the mistakes made by the Lifetime network.  Someone’s finally going to push an anti-misogynist agenda.

Well, score one for feminism.

Good job, Oxygen!

Okay.  Before I hack the bathroom door open with an axe, here are some pics of the quiche.

Stop being so NEGATIVE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

AIDS.  There I said it.

AIDS.

Oh, wait.  Sorry.  I wasn’t making a cheap AIDS joke.

I was merely thinking aloud.  I have to get an AIDS test today.

My friend Kazuyoshi and I have been talking about going to get HIV tests together, mainly because we’re both single and both TERRIFIED to go alone.

Also, he’s been bugging me to make a pie for him.  He’s heard about the PIEMAN OF GRAHAM AVE (i just coined that phrase) and he wants in on the action.

Anyway.  Why not make a day of it, I said to myself?

This is a picture of a crystal skull vodka bottle that i filled with coffee.  It has nothing to do with this blog entry, but I felt it was manipulative and ominous.

FORESHADOWING!!!!!!

I’ve been blind baking pie shells lately.  A real NIGHTMARE.  It’s totally different than baking a double crust pie.  You use a blind shell  when you make pies that use a chilled or non cooked filling.  Like custard pies, silk pies, key lime…  That sort of stuff.  I SAID KEY LIME!!!  KEY.  LIME.   WHY DO YOU ASK A QUESTION AND THEN LEAVE THE ROOM????  DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!

So you roll out the crust, line it with tinfoil and then weight down the inside to keep the crust from rising, and making a dome shape instead of a pie crust shape.  Most bakers use ceramic weights that you can buy.  I use change from my dresser top.  Six of one, half-dollar of the other, I never say….

The free, anonymous clinic is on 28th and 9th.  The one I go to is at least.  I want the test to be anonymous, or semi anonymous, because I want to decide how public I want to be about it, if I ever do contract HIV.  I opted for semi-anonymous, which means you get written results, but they take your driver’s license number and probably hound you if you turn up positive.

Still.  It’s nice to have those papers, as ephemeral proof that you don’t have a hard-to-identify super virus attacking your immune system.

I get the idea the people in this poster are not ready to have children.  I hope they don’t have the baby, because they don’t look like they trust each other a lot right now.  Actually, it occured to me that the man feels like he was molested or raped.  He’s not AT ALL glad to have had sex last night.  He didn’t plan it.  Did she rape him????

WHAT HAPPENED?!!??!!??

NO.  NOT YOU.  NOT!!!!!  YOU!!!!!!  GO BACK INTO THE OTHER ROOM.  I’M BLOGGING.

This was a custard pie, which involves bringing milk and sugar to a simmering boil, then adding egg yolk and chocolate and vanilla. Essentially it’s making chocolate pudding, but much better pudding than that crap you can get in the grocery store.

I chilled the custard in the fridge.

On the way to the clinic I met up with a number of straight people I know.  It was one of those serendipitous days in New York City where you meet just about every goddamn person you ever did comedy with, went to college with, or used to work at a bar with.  They all asked ‘where are you headed.’ Now, mind you:

Most of the time that I’m on the way to the Aids clinic I don’t run into people – but IF I DO, and if they are straight, I usually don’t tell them where I’m going.  I don’t know why, exactly, but I’ve heard a lot of my gay friends say the same thing.  Maybe it’s some internalized shame over being gay, or maybe we’re just trying to spare the straights the quarterly horror of us having to face our own mortality – being in a ‘high risk’ group for AIDS.  I don’t know.  What I do know is ON THIS DAY, I told all the straights i saw where i was going.

This pie was a nightmare.  I had some extra crust leftover, but I didn’t have enough for a full pie.  I thought i would just roll the crust out thinner.  Mistake.  It shrank, and buckled and basically acted like an ASSHOLE.  Plus look at it.  It’s clumsy and hideous.  But it was tasty.

I was surprised at the reactions I got from straight people.  Most looked surprised.  Mostly this was my fault.  “Where are you off to?” they would inquire in a balmy tone of voice.  “Off to the AIDS clinic,” I chirped back, trying to mimic their tone of voice as if to say, oh, you know, bank, AIDS clinic, food shopping – ERRANDS!!!

P.S.  Sidebar – American Apparel is making a t.v. show?  I bet it’s not as good as the British version, which I’m still not totally sold on.

But yeah.  Straight people.  I guess on some level I want them to know and hear about my AIDS test.  I want them to know that I live in constant fear for my life, just for expressing love.  And I know EVERYONE can say that. And I know that EVERYONE should get tested every three months.  And I know that ONLY GAY AND BI PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO.  Because we (along with prostitutes and heroin/meth addicts) are the high risk group.

I whipped cream and then broke chocolate chips up into fragments for the topping.

I’m tired of feeling ashamed that I’m going to the clinic.  I’m tired of feeling like it’s gauche to bring it up to my straight friends.  I’m tired of them acting panicked when I DO bring it up.

I hope the gays reading this blog will be a little more visible/audible about practicing safe sex.  Straight people need to realize that going to get an AIDS test doesn’t make you slutty or depraved – it makes you responsible.  We need to shed our shame about it, straights and gays – so that we can acknowledge the fundamental fact that our lives are very different.  Being straight can be harder than being gay in ways that gays cannot fathom (childbirth, child rearing, sex with the opposite sex – ew).  But being gay ain’t no cakewalk.

Though.  Sometimes, there’s pie involved.

Kazu and I both came up negative.

The pie was hideous, but delicious.

Thanks for asking, jerks.


Subtext: If you get Syphilis, make sure it’s WORTH it.

BD 11

by piefolk, posted in Pie, Uncategorized

Don’t touch that.  Just don’t!  Because I said so.  Now you’re rubbing your eye.  Now you’re sneezing and crying.  BECAUSE, DUMMY.  It’s not cinnamon – it’s cayenne pepper.  I told you not to touch it.  It’s going into my next set of pies.  Specifically, I’m whisking it into the flour before I cut the fat into the crust.

You can’t see it but it’s in there.  There’s cayenne pepper and cinnamon.  It’s mostly invisible – like Mary Kate Olsen.  Or Ashley.  Whichever is the one who doesn’t ever eat.

OH?  Both of them?  Really?

Do you KNOW that, or are you just spreading rumors?

Then shut up, this is my blogging time.

I was asked to another fancy party, and I’m making a pie.  What’s going on with my calendar this holiday season?  Not that I’m complaining.  It beats ringing in the new year with the Sissor Sisters at Metropolitan Bar.  No, I’m totally excited to go to the home of a well connected Asian American Broadway Legend and TV star.  Look, I’m not going to spell it out for you, mostly because I forgot to ask permission to use his name on my website.  But, piece it together, dummy.

MMMMMMMMM!  BUTTERFLIES!!!

So it’s going to be a Mexican Silk pie.  I took the traditional French Silk recipe and made some minor changes. Along with the crust, laden with cinnamon and cayenne – I’m adding Smoked Hungarian Paprika to the chocolate filling.  I want it to be smoky, chocolaty, and spicy – like a Mexican Hot Chocolate.

Once I had a ‘Mexican Hot Chocolate’ during spring break at South of the Border.  You know what?  I’m not going to tell that story right now, because I realize that I’m using the phrase euphemistically to describe a sex act with a certain equine barnyard animal.  The point is, I’ll never take mushrooms again.

Also, if you see a half human, half donkey from Mexico looking for his father – you never met me.  Got it?

There were no mushrooms in this pie, just chocolate, eggs, butter, and sugar.  Lots and lots of sugar.  And that Hungarian Paprika.  I know, it sounds weird right?  It was actually really good.  Like, so so good.  And you have to realize – there were wealthy New Yorkers there!  You can’t serve them DINER FRENCH SILK PIE!!!  You have to serve them something crazy that sounds like garbage, but is really quite elegant.  There’s no cooking in NY anymore without being an insufferable foodie.  Insufferable,I said.  INSUFFERABLE!!!!!  WELL THEN COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND SHUT THE SINK OFF, DUMMY.

Sheesh…   Okay.   So.  This guy on the billboard?

This is Daniel K. Isaac.

He’s a nice guy.  He’s the one that invited me to the party.

What?  Yeah I GUESS he’s good looking, if you like tall dark and super cute.

I guess so?  I never thought about it.  Okay.  Yes.  He’s handsome.  Anyway…  YES.  HE’S VERY GOOD LOOKING.  CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION BACK PLEASE???  Lordy.  You’re unfocused today.

Okay so I topped the pie with whipped cream, and white/dark chocolate fragments.  It was supposed to look like confetti, for New Years.  What?  Yes, I suppose it was a little ‘on the nose.’  Thanks for pointing that out.  Jerk.

On top of the confetti, I made pie crust ‘cookies.’  They’re covered with dark and white chocolate.

What?  It’s an 11. Stop gaslighting me.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception.

Oh yeah, this is Jon Norman Schneider.  I know, super cute, right?  I have to mention that he was a huge help with the pie, and designed the typography for the 11 that you were just being so snide about.  What?  I guess so…  I never thought about it.  Yeah, I guess he IS a hottie.  Pay attention.  YES.  I AGREE.  HE’S VERY GOOD LOOKING!!!  CAN WE MOVE ON???

Sheesh…  Jon is a talented actor and has ruined many shows up and down the east coast and really, all over the country.  He continues to book film and tv work.  Look for him in the upcoming Bryan Greenberg movie The Normals.  He ruins it by playing a weirdo.  (He doesn’t ruin anything – he’s great.  AND hold on to your hats, ladies – he remains unmarried)

There were a lot of unmarried men at this party.  A LOT.  Do I have to draw you a picture?

Hm… Okay…  When two men love each other very much, and have been dating for a significant amount of… never mind.  Just leave it in the same head space as the Mexican Hot Chocolate comment.

I mean.  Some of the people in this photo HAVE to be women, right?

Somewhere in there?

Right?

Okay.  This blog entry is getting out of hand.  I’m going to have to lay down the LAW with you guys AND establish some ORDER.  What?  I said I’m going to have to…  just turn the sink off and come out of the bathroom, will you?  No?  Okay, then I’m not telling you whose party it was.    No.  I’m not.  I’m ending the blog entry. Yes.  I am.

Happy New Year, jerks!

TALK ABOUT HANDSOME!

Festivus

by piefolk, posted in Pie, Uncategorized

Let’s face it.  You’re too PC to say ‘Merry Christmas.’  You’re not smart enough to have been born Jewish, and celebrate Hanukkah.  You’re really not the Kwanzaa type, and saying ‘Happy Winter Solstice’ either incriminates you as being an Atheist (smug sense of self satisfaction) or as being a Pagan (tree lover who might smoke too much weed).

You need a Festivus.

I got to attend one, too, at a certain comedy legend’s house on the Upper West Side.  And let me tell you – it was wonderful

Here’s how to get invited:

STEP ONE:  Make friends with an up and coming young director who drives you crazy, but is ultimately a mensch.  Stay friends with him years.  Do shows with him for little money, or free.  See him at the 24 hour grocery store at odd hours.  Work on projects with him that include such notable actors as the guy who played Multiple Miggs from the Silence of the Lambs, and Karen Gorney from Saturday Night Fever.

STEP TWO:  Accept an invitation to a comedy legend’s house, as this director’s date.  Two days later, at four am, you will get a phone call.  It will be the director friend.  Unfortunately, he will tell you, his plane to Patagonia has been canceled, so he’ll have to take an earlier flight, but shouldn’t you just crash the party with the pie you baked for it?

Shouldn’t you go with his actress friend who you’ve never met in your life?  Shouldn’t you mingle with celebrities with no friends at this party?  OF COURSE YOU SHOULD, DUMMY – you’re a young actor who needs to make contacts.  Get off your ass and bake that pie.  And while you’re at it, go to a local coffee shop, pick up your friends’ keys, go to your friend’s house, unlock his room, search his room for a tie that he bought the Comedy Legend, lock his house, call that actress that you’ve never met and make plans.  Don’t forget you have a pie in the oven!  Is it burning??? Go home and check it!!!  

Oh thank heavens.  The pie is not burned.  Whew! BUT, you have to leave in half an hour.  How the hell are you going to cool a pie in HALF AN HOUR?  Ah!  It’s winter and you have a fire escape.  True, you live next to the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, but I guess carbon monoxide will just have to be an extra ingredient to this pie.  Plus, if people notice the faint taste of rubber tire dust you can always make yourself look intellectual by blaming Robert Moses, who built the BQE in the first place.  Ken Burns made him quite the villain in that New York documentary!

This is Robert Moses.  I can’t believe you didn’t know who he was?  He’s almost single-handedly responsible for car culture in New York.  Read a book, fool.

STEP THREE:  Get to the party!  Come on!  You have about 40 minutes before you have to meet that charming young actress.  She’s from LA and she doesn’t know how to get around New York.  Take a shower – you stink!  Also, wear the right outfit.  You need to be stylish, cute, and just so.  BUT DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TOO HARD.  Bag up the pie!  Get the addresses you need from your iPhone.  Get on your way!

WHAT?  Your Mother is calling??  Of course she is!  It’s Christmas eve!!!  ANSWER THE PHONE!!!  Now be gracious as you’re running out the door.  Tell her you love her and miss her.  Good.  You’re a good boy.

GET ON THE TRAIN!!!  YOU’RE LATE!!! 

Why is everyone wearing black?  It’s Festivus!  Oh well.

Step Four:  Have fun, stupid.  These are just people, after all.  You have brought a pie, and these guys are nice enough to invite you into their home.  Say something nice to everyone, and make conversation.  It’s not really a big deal.  It’s just Festivus.  And guess what?  That actress that you met?  She’s pretty darn charming!  And what a looker.  Enjoy the party.

East Village Boys

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hey guys!  I make an appearance on www.eastvillageboys.com today!

Super excited!

Crisco and Butter Crust!

by piefolk, posted in Pie

Hey guys.  Check out this video where I show you how to make a Crisco and butter crust.  All you need is:

2 1/2 cups flour

1tsp salt

2tbsp sugar

1/2 cup Crisco or vegetable shortening

1 1/2 cups butter

6-8 tbsp ice water

Enjoy!

New Video! Highlights from PRIDEFEST TALLAHASSEE!

by piefolk, posted in Folk, Uncategorized

Hey guys!  Here’s a montage video of Thin Skin Jonny’s show in Talllahassee.  We were asked to come down and play for PRIDEFEST, so we did!  So much fun was had.  We loved it.

Dan and Danny at FOCUS

by piefolk, posted in Folk, Uncategorized

Hey guys.  We are playing a free show tomorrow night (Wednesday April 7) in Williamsburg!  Midnight at Spike Hill, which is off the L train to Bedford ave, at Bedford and north 7th.  Hope to see you there.  Meanwhile – here’s some very old footage of an appearance we did at a show called FOCUS at the Magnet theater!  Enjoy!