LGBT – Page 3 – PIEFOLK

I can EXPLAIN!!!

February 24, 2011March 9, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Damn that Japanese Little Brother Kazu!

He comes over every so often and gets me into the trickiest situations! I think he’s possessed by an Ancient Demon Apple Pie Monster. He always smells fragrant, like apples and cinnamon. Maybe it’s his lip balm.

I promised him baked goods, but all I had in the house was stale blueberry quick bread.

I had to think fast.

You don’t want the Ancient Demon of an Apple Pie Monster to get angry.

Oh. Sidebar:

Look. Usually i don’t wear underwear like this, okay? I usually have something a little less ‘Grandpa-ish’ on when I’m entertaining house guests, especially if they’re young and gay and etc.

But hey. It was laundry day and they were running a sale at one of those dollar stores in Greenpoint, which created a perfect storm for me wearing these horrible undies.

Bread pudding is pretty simple. You just take any stale baked good (bread, muffins, cake, whatever) and you break it up into crumbs. Then you add a certain amount of milk, brown sugar and eggs.

I’m not going to tell you the exact proportions. It’s really simple – just search ‘bread pudding‘ online. Did you click the link? Aren’t I an asshole?

So I used the blueberry quick bread and some fresh blueberries I found at the market. I also put some dark chocolate chips inside the bread.

I had to. I was afraid of the Ancient Demon Apple Pie Monster.

And if I ever want to be Hokage I will have to learn how to keep the Apple Pie Monster from taking over when I’m fighting for Leaf Village.

Little Brother brings out the best in me. Or the worst?

It’s really easy for him to get me to pose for ridiculous photos.

God. I can’t get over how saggy these underwear are.

Lordy.

What was I thinking?

Jeez.

Look at the window behind me. You can see a reflection of my butt. Look at how the underwear sag like an old lady’s triceps.

Oh well. I’ll have to live with it. Laundry doesn’t come back until tomorrow.

The bread pudding was totally great. I ate too much of it and now I have to start going back to the gym. Spring is here, after all, and there’s nothing like being a full grown man obsessed with his body.

I think I banished the Ancient Demon Apple Pie Monster for the time being.

In other news: I made a new video to ask President Barack Obama to come to my house for pie. Please Watch it!

Enjoy the Little Brother, Jerks!

Dear Barack Obama

February 23, 2011March 9, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

One Photo

February 23, 2011March 9, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Sometimes people contact me online. This guy Lex and I have been emailing back and forth. He’s offered to draw me an action shot. I’m excited. This is the prototype. Enjoy it, Jerks.

Cupid Arrives

February 14, 2011May 1, 2011 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

What’s wrong with you?

Put your tongue back in your mouth. That’s just Robbie Fowler.

Hm? What? He’s gorgeous?

I’ll let him know you said so. Now focus:

So, first of all – congrats are in order. Robbie’s boyfriend James proposed to him. They’re getting married!

But, they’re getting married in New York, since that’s where they solidified their love. Which means they’re waiting for it to be legal. But they’re engaged!

They will be married, some day. Soon as you kind straight folk start voting the right way.

Listen up:

Robbie is a popular New York actor. He does theater and television. Which is not to say you shouldn’t cast him in your movie. You totally should. He photographs well.

Robbie wanted to make a red berry pie, for Valentine’s day. He brought over raspberries, strawberries and blackberries. Good call, Fowler! It made a kick ass pie. We didn’t put very much sugar in it, because we wanted it to taste sharp and tart. We spiked the crust with a little powdered ginger.

I sat down with Fowler to chat while the pie was baking:

PF: What do you do for a living?

RF: I act… swiffer my apartment… take care of my puppy….

I’m an uncle… for a living…

PF: How’s being engaged?

RF: We both have rings and we walk around a little taller, I guess? We would like to get married in our home state, so we’ll wait… It affects me a lot.

PF: How did you learn how to bake pie?

RF: I learned from my grandmother. Ernestine Nowlan. My mother’s mother. She was hilarious. Taught me how to make a pie crust. She was an actress when she was younger and she played Polly Darton in a Kansas musical review. She was 75 or 76 when I was born. They would take me to get haircuts – my grandparents. And to theater camp.

PF: Can you talk about the pie you selected?

RF: Sweet, messy, juicy – just like Valentine’s Day.

PF: Tell me an odd story about auditioning?

RF: I went in for a show, right after moving here. The audition was run by a reputable company – I sang my face off – belted those high B (flats). The choreographer was yelling sass at us the whole time. I went home, felt good about it, logged onto the Facebook, and I get a message from the director.

He found me, but my info is not at all on my resume. He didn’t care to talk about my audition at all – he was just like ‘oh, what were those tattoos?’

Finally I had to ask – hey, did I make the cast of the show?

PF: DID you?

RF: Oh. Yeah, I did. It was a lot of fun.

PF: Do you have any advice for other young actors?

RF: Take it as it comes. If you need to take a break, do it. Take care of yourself before you take care of your career. You have to stay sane. If you need to take a pottery class take a fucking pottery class. Bake a pie.

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks, Fowler.

Guys, I hope you’re happy this Valentines day. Whether you’re together or alone, I hope you’re having fun.

I love you. Jerks.

Festivus

December 29, 2010December 30, 2010 by piefolk, posted in Pie, Uncategorized

Let’s face it. You’re too PC to say ‘Merry Christmas.’ You’re not smart enough to have been born Jewish, and celebrate Hanukkah. You’re really not the Kwanzaa type, and saying ‘Happy Winter Solstice’ either incriminates you as being an Atheist (smug sense of self satisfaction) or as being a Pagan (tree lover who might smoke too much weed).

You need a Festivus.

I got to attend one, too, at a certain comedy legend’s house on the Upper West Side. And let me tell you – it was wonderful

Here’s how to get invited:

STEP ONE: Make friends with an up and coming young director who drives you crazy, but is ultimately a mensch. Stay friends with him years. Do shows with him for little money, or free. See him at the 24 hour grocery store at odd hours. Work on projects with him that include such notable actors as the guy who played Multiple Miggs from the Silence of the Lambs, and Karen Gorney from Saturday Night Fever.

STEP TWO: Accept an invitation to a comedy legend’s house, as this director’s date. Two days later, at four am, you will get a phone call. It will be the director friend. Unfortunately, he will tell you, his plane to Patagonia has been canceled, so he’ll have to take an earlier flight, but shouldn’t you just crash the party with the pie you baked for it?

Shouldn’t you go with his actress friend who you’ve never met in your life? Shouldn’t you mingle with celebrities with no friends at this party? OF COURSE YOU SHOULD, DUMMY – you’re a young actor who needs to make contacts. Get off your ass and bake that pie. And while you’re at it, go to a local coffee shop, pick up your friends’ keys, go to your friend’s house, unlock his room, search his room for a tie that he bought the Comedy Legend, lock his house, call that actress that you’ve never met and make plans. Don’t forget you have a pie in the oven! Is it burning??? Go home and check it!!!

Oh thank heavens. The pie is not burned. Whew! BUT, you have to leave in half an hour. How the hell are you going to cool a pie in HALF AN HOUR? Ah! It’s winter and you have a fire escape. True, you live next to the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, but I guess carbon monoxide will just have to be an extra ingredient to this pie. Plus, if people notice the faint taste of rubber tire dust you can always make yourself look intellectual by blaming Robert Moses, who built the BQE in the first place. Ken Burns made him quite the villain in that New York documentary!

This is Robert Moses. I can’t believe you didn’t know who he was? He’s almost single-handedly responsible for car culture in New York. Read a book, fool.

STEP THREE: Get to the party! Come on! You have about 40 minutes before you have to meet that charming young actress. She’s from LA and she doesn’t know how to get around New York. Take a shower – you stink! Also, wear the right outfit. You need to be stylish, cute, and just so. BUT DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TOO HARD. Bag up the pie! Get the addresses you need from your iPhone. Get on your way!

WHAT? Your Mother is calling?? Of course she is! It’s Christmas eve!!! ANSWER THE PHONE!!! Now be gracious as you’re running out the door. Tell her you love her and miss her. Good. You’re a good boy.

GET ON THE TRAIN!!! YOU’RE LATE!!!

Why is everyone wearing black? It’s Festivus! Oh well.

Step Four: Have fun, stupid. These are just people, after all. You have brought a pie, and these guys are nice enough to invite you into their home. Say something nice to everyone, and make conversation. It’s not really a big deal. It’s just Festivus. And guess what? That actress that you met? She’s pretty darn charming! And what a looker. Enjoy the party.