PIEFOLK

You’re Not Okay

September 25, 2013 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

tri vo studio http://www.trivostudio.com

Me: Oh wow! Sorry. I was in a hurry to get on the elevator.

Him: It’s my dog.

Me: He scared me. Looks like he needs to pee pretty bad.

Him: He’s okay.

Me: Yes, of course. He lunged at me. A dog bit me once when-

Him: He’s okay. You’re not okay.

(Pause)

Me: What did you say to me?

(Pause. He shrugs)

Me: You don’t know me. Control your dogs, and furthermore there are some very aggressive squirrels in the courtyard. I hope you’re aware.

Him: This is the time of year squirrels get aggressive.

Me: Yes. They squirrels things like nuts away for the winter.

Him: That’s enough.

Me: Listen. I’m from the South and-

Him: Oh, are you proud of that?

Me: Yes, actually, I am.

(Pause)

Me: As I was saying. I’m from the South and we have to keep an eye on aggressive wild animals like squirrels.

Him: Oh is that so?

Me: Yes it is so. They carry rabies.

Him: What are you going to do about those squirrels?

Me: Keep an eye on them and maybe buy a BB gun.

Him: You don’t need a gun.

Me: You’re right. I need polite neighbors who know how say “hello, goodbye, please, thank you.”

Him: The world isn’t like that anymore.

Me: Maybe it never was. But I was raised like that.

Him: Be careful on the elevator.

Me: Train your dog. Thanks! Bye now.

(He spits on the ground. I chuckle. I fart. He finally laughs. Tough crowd.)

Him: Where are you from?

Me: A French village in the South of France.

Him: Where, exactly?

Me: Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense

Him: And what does that mean?

Me: It means Have A Nice Day, in French.

(Long pause. Then we laugh and laugh and laugh and his dog pees in the lobby)

I Walked Over A Bridge

August 22, 2013November 7, 2014 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

My Dear Michael,

So that we can remember the day we met:

I walked along and I saw Mickey Mouse tee-shirt. I’d just gotten a glass of water and said mucho danke shane but had too much sweat on my face to pull it off. The man looked at me with sternness? Soft sternness of a young man who is just excited to be old so that he can just give up.

Give up.

And then I saw you. And then, we walked. We talked. Talking and walking. Excited for life. Looking only into each others’ right eyes. Excitement. A good pace. Sweat. Safety in friendship. Even friendship with The Stranger.

A strange friend.

Amazing poetry was spat and mine was crass and the way it should land in society. I was moving on up.

You asked me how i was going to be famous.

You knew what would make me feel better and better and better –

an intuition so brave.

And a little while later or earlier all the time piles and dances around like pebbles near a beach near a beach, i said. They know you’ll probably just go to the beach.

Not to look at them or touch them. A Scottish beach, near Inverness.

You cried just a few tears. Like a giggle, the opposite of that.

You don’t even know what you have anymore.

But you’ve got a little bit of me. Over the bridge and dumpling craving and the songs we sung by Stevie Wonder. You told me you’d been yelling. you told me about the power of a friendship bracelet. You told me that you liked my hat. You liked the asian, but when he turned back he looked like he was going for war.

You carried it. You carried us. You liked it that way. i had the energy to do that for someone at night.

A girl not as fun. A girl not as fun as me. Not as lose as me. Not as defined as me.

How i felt next to the girl. Are we still in grade school in school in heirarchy of life and heads that are bigger and better than all of the rest? And we will puff it up, like puff daddy russel simmons and cordial wine on the back porch you wanted to dien. I used to be better I used to be better at letting go. Now the stream is clear and comes straight from the mouth of the source. Love. Up-end and up-turn my words and I’ll wave at you like a Queen.

You will know what to do about the date. Amanda Love is the righteous song.

You tried to edit my poem. Said that it shouldn’t have ended with ‘idot.’

But you see, Michael, I am not afraid of being an idiot. And, neither are you. I won’t let you.

Best,

Emily

We will see each other again, my darling. You can always write me and I’ll do my damnedest to reply. Why wouldn’t I? I had the best date ever. You’re a good kid. I can’t exactly say I love you but I do love.

Please keep in touch over the years. You’re going to be very famous. I’ll see to that. I wasn’t carrying you, Em. You were carrying me. Peace Be With You.

AmenYou too.Love.

Michael

Tuesdays With Woody, Episode 2

July 30, 2013July 30, 2013 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hey folks. Here’s another episode of Tuesdays With Woody. In this episode, Shaun ‘raw dogs’ a stripper from Detroit. Woody and Michael tease mercilessly. Have a look!

Tuesdays With Woody: Episode 1

July 16, 2013 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hello all. This is Tuesdays With Woody, Episode 1.

I wrote this and acted in it. Some other comedy jerks helped me and I’m eternally grateful.

If you like it, share with friends?

If you hate is, share with enemies?

Did I mention I’m grateful? I am.

Thanks folks.

MYQ Kaplan’s HANG OUT WITH ME

July 11, 2013 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

tri vo studio

Honorary gay and incourigible straight lothario MYQ Kaplan had me and Ben Lerman over to the Hang Out With Me Playpen to talk about our sex lives, what it means to be ‘monogamish’ and how to solve racism in a room full of white people. It was a blast and you can laugh about it here:

http://www.keithandthegirl.com/Show-Detail/2782/Gays-Upon-My-Works.aspx

Thanks for the funzos boys. It was a hoot.

Oh, and MYQ, wear underwear next time? You kept flopping out of your silk smoking robe.

Gandhi and 4 Questions

June 14, 2013 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Arpana restaurant. Miss Snow and I are checking on Kafka, our adopted Japanese man-child, who works in the kitchen. We have just finished a meal and have been invited to have our palms read by an Indian mysitc. There is an air of romance. We just came from Tiffany.

Him: I am a palm reader. You may ask four questions for 15 dollars.

Me: Okay. I believe you are a psychic because you have a magnifying glass made of Mother of Pearl. You got that near the ocean, didn’t you?

Him: Yes. In Florida.

Me: I knew that, because I’m psychic. Or perhaps it just reminded me of shells.

Him: What is your first question?

Me: Why do I have to lie to pepole? It seems like people don’t respect me, unless I lie a little?

Him: The universe doesn’t want you to lie. You will be very ashamed if you lie, and so you cannot be a liar. This is very important and I cannot stress this enough. There are layers of deception, and self deception and you’ve been peeling those layers back for a long time, and now you find the fruit of your labor. Enjoy anything sweet that comes your way, but do not try to lie. It is not in your nature.

Me: Really? I tell stories for a living, though.

Him: That is not the same as lying. You make a clear distinction in your work life, from your home life, and you have earned the right to say with conviction ‘I have integrity.’ Say it please.

Me: I have integrity.

Him: Integrity means wholeness. You know exactly who you are in this life and your opinion can not be swayed.

Me: Even so, just because you have a story, doesn’t mean you have to tell it.

Him: That is also true, but wisdom comes from a practice and a discipline. You must keep writing.

Me: I didn’t say I was a writer.

Him: You didn’t have to. What is your next question?

Me: How does a shepard become King?

Him: How does a King lose his kingdom?

Me: By being unkind to his servants.

Him: Get ready. You are going to be responsible for a LOT of money. A lot.

Me: I don’t want that. I only want un oueff. An egg. Enough. I only want enough money.

Him: Whether you like it or not, you have a tremendous amount of money coming to you. It can be a burden or a blessing depending on how you care for the money, and what you choose to do with it.

Me: I’d like to start a charity for abused LGBTQ people.

Him: That is a noble cause but it will not erase the pain you have suffered.

Me: I like remembering the pain I’ve suffered.

Him: Why?

Me: You’re the psychic, you tell me.

Him: You need to remember your pain so you can grow into a new man.

Me: Ding! Growing Pains is a great show.

Him: You are showing a smile again that betrays who you really are. You’re struggling to evolve and when you do the world will be at your feet.

Me: Sounds like I’m going to live in Tibet.

Him: You will leave the country soon.

Me: That is true.

Him: Do you have another question?

Me: I’ve been blythely telling everyone that all of human knowledge is inside all of us when we are born. Do you agree?

Him: It is true. But, unlocking that knowledge comes at a price, and as soon as you become aware of your power, you must wrestle the demons of your own fear.

Me: Forever.

Him: There is only forever, never, and now. Are you afraid right now?

Me: No.

Him: Then I hope the money you are getting will be spent wisely. What is more important than money?

Me: Time.

Him: You are wiser than I gave you credit for. Thank you for an eye opening session.

Me: Don’t I get one more question?

Him: I would rather you come back regularly, and talk to me about how things are progressing. Is that fair?

Me: As long as it doesn’t cost money next time.

Him: Friendship is freely given.

Me: How much do I owe you?

Him: 30. 15 for you and 15 for your fiance.

Me: Will you take 35?

Him: Most certainly. And don’t forget, there is a Goddess of Infinite Compassion – she is much older than the God you worship.

Me: Hey now. Don’t give away the milk for free, buddy.

Him: I saw you dancing, earlier, very graceful.

Me: Thanks, pal. Next time I’ll read your palm.

Him: Is that so?

Me: Yes. I have to get a magnifying glass first.

Him: Go to the ocean.

Me: And make salt.

Him: Yes. It is everyone’s right to make salt in the ocean. No government can control this.

Me: Gandhi.

Him: Yes.

Me: What a drama queen he was about his anorexia.

Him: You are a funny man.

Me: Ugh. I know. Don’t get me started

More information on Match Game Live and Summer Camp here.

Passive Aggressive, Part 1

May 31, 2013 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

To Be Continued…

I’m With Magneto

May 29, 2013 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Tri Vo Studio

Me: What is this theater? A speak easy?

Him: It’s the closest one to my house.

Me: There’s no sign. I had to circle the block three times to figure out where it was.

Him: They’re doing construction. I bought a bunch of snacks. You’re stressed out. Let’s have fun.

(We watch the movie. We do have fun. Then…)

Me: Aw, Jeez… You’re being nice and I’m being horrible. Thanks for the movie and the snacks, sweet boy.

Him: It’s okay. You have an emotional investment in the franchise; me too. I’ve been reading X-Men since i was a kid.

Me: Me too, since I was 8 years old.

Him: What did you think?

Me: I can’t but love it. I have to. It’s about us. It’s about LGBTQ.

Him: Singer really pushed the homosexual imagery hard – all that man on man fondling! Long, deep eye contact…

Me: He did. I got really emotional. Certain lines they delivered seemed to be speaking directly to Us. Almost like Singer wanted Us to hear his advice.

Him: ‘No, no. We don’t hurt our own kind.’

Me: YES! ‘Mutant and Proud.’

Him: That was clearly the underlying moral of the movie.

Me: I know. ‘You didn’t ask, so I didn’t tell.’

Him: Also, the hero, Charles Xavier, has big flaws. He invades people’s minds even after he has promised not to. He pressures Mystique to ‘cover’ her true form in public.

Me: Covering is a real problem right now in the Gay community. The pressure for us to mute ourselves can be felt any time we hang out with straight people. It’s not fair, and they don’t even realize they’re coyly asking us to do that, when we’re with them.

Him: They always do that. They all always do that.

Me: They frequently do that. But not all of them, and not always.

Him: How many of your comedy teams have pressured you to smooth out the gay around the edges?

Me: All of them, at one point or another. But, that’s comedy.

Him: I’m with Magneto. I’m a separatist.

Me: No, you’re not. You’re not willing to kill or maim or terrorize people in order to gain your equality.

(long silence)

Me: Stop. Don’t look at me like that. You’re not willing to do that.

Him: I agree with the philosophy. By any means necessary. It boils down to Xavier/Magneto being Dr. King/Malcolm X.

Me: I know. But what makes one argument compelling is that the other exists. One side of the argument is not compelling without the opposite point of view. It’s useless to say that you agree with Dr. King or Malcolm X., becaue you know in your heart that they are both right.

Him: I don’t care anymore. I’ve found a way to be completely homo-social. I only associate with Gay people except for my mother.

Me: That’s very narrow.

Him: I’m Chinese-American and Gay. What can I do? There’s a whole world out there that hates me for one reason or another. I’m not going to devote my life to fighting for the respect of people that aren’t as smart as I am.

Me: That’s your right, but you live in the world. You have straight people around you, and you must interact with them. And by the way, you’re right: you are absolutely smarter than 99% of people.

Him: My mother is my only female friend. I don’t understand women and they get offended almost every single time I have to interact with them. Their feelings are so sensitive and I don’t have time for that.

Me: Stop that. It’s not just women. You hurt my feelings all the time, too. I have women in my life I love and respect. But, I think I get what you’re driving at. They seem to be wired differently than us. However, if we’re to demand respect from Straights who are wired differently, then we must manifest the generosity of spirit to return that respect. Or screw up the courage to offer the respect first. Certainly, we have to rise above misogyny if we want our own equality.

Him: I am an oppressed minority two times over. I’m not going to start respecting first. I’m not going to start living by their rules. I just want to be left alone. Give us our own country, and one for the Lesbians. Indiana. Nobody wants to live there. Let us have it.

Me: Lesbromolia.

(Pause. No laughter.)

Hey, if you don’t start first then nobody will start respecting anyone. That’s how respect works. It’s a two way street. We don’t have to live how they tell us, but we must start respecting first, because they have the power. Here’s a better question. How do we take the power?

Him: We start riots in the street. Burn down their houses. Make it so they’re so afraid they have to turn on fire hoses and shoot us with rubber bullets. And we make sure there are plenty of cameras around when they turn on the fire hoses.

Me: Maybe… That might need to happen. This is America. It seems like major social change has only ever come at the cost of much anguish and bloodshed. Are we ready for that? I’ve always hoped that some sort of amazing Gay Gandhi would come along and show us how to peacefully get what’s ours. We’re not organized enough for that, yet. But there’s change brewing. You can feel it?

Him: Yes. But I don’t care. I’m with Magneto. I’m an evil mutant.

Me: That’s okay. I love you anyhow.

(Long pause)

Just remember: We don’t harm our own kind. And use a condom. And clean out, if you’re going to bottom. Jerk.

(pause)

And be nice to girls.

Him: No.

Me: Yes.

Renegotiate

May 4, 2013November 7, 2014 by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Sponsored by Girbaud Denim.

Him: Hey I’m back but I’m really sleepy.

Me: Then take a nap at my place, drunky.

Him: Allright, I’m heading over, but just to sleep.

Me: No. Come to think of it, don’t.

Him: Haha. Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then.

Me: Maybe.

Him: I’ll check on you tomorrow then?

Me: If you remember.

Him: I’ll remember.

Me: So will I. How’s the weather out there? Fair?

Him: Slightly chilly, but nice.

Me: Better to head home then. I have to txt a friend and ask about coming over to help.

Him: I hope you find a cool roomie.

Me: By the way, you shouldn’t stand someone up for a date and then sign on to Grindr. It’s poor etiquette. Dick move, I’d say.

Him: You just told me to go home.

Me: I need help. I’m not a flop house. You come over and sit. I cook. It’s not equitable. When it’s time to help you suddenly get tired.

Him: Fair assessment.

Me: Yes. Therefore I’m busy tomorrow. No date.

Him: That’s the rules we set from the start.

Me: Wrong. I was waiting for you to act like a team player.

Him: I’m the worst at that.

Me: Agree. You’re not dating material. Not even friend material. My friends do the dishes when I cook.

Him: You said it was fine to hang out, video games, and fool around, or cuddle. I agreed.

Me: I remember that. I’d like to renegotiate. I’m not satisfied with the arrangement anymore.

Him: I really don’t want to make you feel un-equitable.

Me: Okay, then. Let’s renegotiate?

Him: I feel like you may need more than I can give.

Me: Why? Cause I said let’s go on a date? That’s off the table. How about… do a dish once in awhile? How about don’t act like I’m a pariah if we’re in a gay bar? I don’t really need a boyfriend either; I just asked for a date.

(pause)

I’m not happy with you wasting my Friday night with your lame excuse last minute. People ask after my time, you know.

(pause)

Me: The best negotiations leave everyone happy. Make an offer.

Him: You jump moods very quickly and it’s tough to get my feelings through.

Me: You don’t speak your feelings. That’s all on you. I think it’s pretty clear how I feel. I asked you to take me on a date. What are your feelings?

Him: Not a lot. I wanted to send this quote from Girls but it’s kind of selfish. Let me find it.

Me: No. Speak for yourself. This is negotiation. Say what you want. Don’t be lazy and plagiarize another writer’s work. I literally had to cry about my hurt feelings to get a date. That’s not the start of a deeper friendship. You’re standing me up tonight, the night before our official dinner date, and signing on to Grindr. You didn’t even apologize. How passive aggressive can you be?

Him: I want nothing.

Me: Then you don’t get anything.

Him: I wanted something at some point. Now I don’t.

Me: Life is about tone and timing. That’s understandable.

(pause)

Me: We don’t seem to have a deal. I’m still fond of you. These small feelings will extinguish relatively easily. I’ll table my negotiation until after Mother’s day. Have fun alone.

Him: Many times that’s the best place to be.

Me: One thing I’m always saying is that the pair of eyes in the mirror belong to the best boyfriend in the world. It’s another way of reminding myself to go fuck myself. I suggest you do the same.

Him: I’m terrible at being on this side of anger.

Me: I’m not angry. Speak for yourself. It’s rude to speak for the other party negotiating. And, it doesn’t get anyone what they want. We were tender and sweet to each other. That’s a great thing. We needed creature comfort. I mistook that for us building a small relationship as friends. It’s my bad. Take care. I have to write this down.

Him: I still think of our relationship as small. Just much smaller now.

Me: Agree. You’re a fair weather friend. You show up when you’re horny, or lonely, or hungry and make me do most of the work. That’s not acceptable. That’s selfish and I won’t accept those terms. No deal.

Him: I’ll let you go. I’m sorry we didn’t read things the same way.

Me: Your cruelty is quite elegant, but don’t be sorry. I’m already adjusting my expectations. I really must go write something.

Him: Okay. Goodnight.

Me: One more thing: Neither of us are Girls, but one of us is in his 20s. Don’t let Lena Dunham speak for you. You speak for you. That’s good negotiation.

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To Be Continued…

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