You’re Not Okay

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Me: Oh wow! Sorry. I was in a hurry to get on the elevator.

Him: It’s my dog.

Me: He scared me. Looks like he needs to pee pretty bad.

Him: He’s okay.

Me: Yes, of course. He lunged at me. A dog bit me once when-

Him: He’s okay. You’re not okay.

(Pause)

Me: What did you say to me?

(Pause. He shrugs)

Me: You don’t know me. Control your dogs, and furthermore there are some very aggressive squirrels in the courtyard. I hope you’re aware.

Him: This is the time of year squirrels get aggressive.

Me: Yes. They squirrels things like nuts away for the winter.

Him: That’s enough.

Me: Listen. I’m from the South and-

Him: Oh, are you proud of that?

Me: Yes, actually, I am.

(Pause)

Me: As I was saying. I’m from the South and we have to keep an eye on aggressive wild animals like squirrels.

Him: Oh is that so?

Me: Yes it is so. They carry rabies.

Him: What are you going to do about those squirrels?

Me: Keep an eye on them and maybe buy a BB gun.

Him: You don’t need a gun.

Me: You’re right. I need polite neighbors who know how say “hello, goodbye, please, thank you.”

Him: The world isn’t like that anymore.

Me: Maybe it never was. But I was raised like that.

Him: Be careful on the elevator.

Me: Train your dog. Thanks! Bye now.

(He spits on the ground. I chuckle. I fart. He finally laughs. Tough crowd.)

Him: Where are you from?

Me: A French village in the South of France.

Him: Where, exactly?

Me: Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense

Him: And what does that mean?

Me: It means Have A Nice Day, in French.

(Long pause. Then we laugh and laugh and laugh and his dog pees in the lobby)

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