Passive Aggressive, Part 1

2013-04-30 15.58.07


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Him: Don’t involve me in that ever again.

Me: Excuse me?

Him: You heard me. I don’t want to be part of your circus. I don’t care to sit there while you open a bank account, on a day when we’ve planned to meet for a picnic. You’ve been extremely passive agressive today and I don’t want to be part of whatever game it is you’re playing.

(long pause)

Me: Well… It’s a nice day, and we finally made it to the park. Eat your sandwich, maybe, and you won’t be hangry anymore?

(long pause. we eat. i start to play ukulele.)

Me: Hey, we wrote this song together. Do you remember writing this song?

Him: Yes.


Me: Right. We wrote it. Where were we?


Me: You don’t remember? We were at your apartment in Cobble Hill. I was complaining about your tendency to hoard things – it’s a real fire hazzard, and I’d twisted my ankle in the clothing/furniture/old paper maze to your bed. It was hot and you had rigged up a ‘fan contraption,’ remember?

2013-04-30 15.31.19

Him: It was two fans working in tandem to circulate the air.

Me: That’s right! I was asking about American Hwangap at the Magic Theater. You said you’d written a chord progression for the end of the show, remember?


Me: I said we owed it to Thin Skin Jonny to turn it into a song. Surely you remember?

(pause. i start singing.)

If I said more often,

How good you look…

In the morning time, boy

Wouldn’t that have been fine?

If I told you,

How good you cook

You make your own beef jerky.

Who makes their own beef jerky?

2013-04-30 15.44.23


Would you let me stay?

Would you let me stay?

Hey hey hey.

Would you let me stay?

Ah haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..


And if I said I’m sorry,

For all the fighting last December,

Would you say, It’s okay –

As far as you remember

If I said I was a lonely boy

Who really really misses you

Can I be the only boy who

Gets to hug and kiss you…


I wanna be the only boy-

Would you let me st-

Him: That’s enough.


2013-04-30 15.33.05

Me: I’ll stop singing that song, but not because you told me to.

Him: Michael, I’ve moved beyond this. I have completed my grief cycle. I’ve come out the other side a better man.

Me: And I kept singing the songs that made us feel immortal. What’s your point?

Him: You can’t hold on to love for too long. It will burden you. It will anchor you down.

Me: Oh really? I was thinking the opposite. I was thinking that I’m a writer. I’m a songwriter. I’m a playwright. I write comedy for television and star in sketch shows. I was thinking I might keep singing my songs, because you know what? People are buying them now.


Do you want writing credit for this, or no? Because I don’t want to deal with a lawsuit later on.

Him: You’re ridiculous and passive agressive to the nth degree and I’m not your boyfriend any longer. I don’t have to put up with it.

Me: Oh. No. You did not. Gurl, you better hold my gold.

Him: You have to let this go.

2013-04-30 15.44.21

Me: No, I don’t. You’re not my boyfriend anymore and I don’t have to put up with you telling me what to do. I can love whomever I want. I can keep loving you, Norman. I can love Carson, too. I can love Andrew forever too, if I want to. I don’t have to do what you tell me to do. How’s that for passive aggressive? Or was that just agressive?

(pause. i play more uke.)

So if I do all the laundry…

If I go and buy all the paper towels,

Will you rent a hall?

Will you write some wedding vows?

If I pick up all my dirty socks.

If I go and put back the toothpaste cap,

When our kid has chicken pox

Will you pick up a midnight snack?


And would you let me stay?

Would you let me stay?

Hey hey hey? Hey.

Would you let me stay?

Ah Haaaaaaaaaaaa ah.

2013-04-30 15.58.01


Maybe I’ll change?

Maybe I’ll change.

Maybe I’ll look at myself

I’ll re-arrange things when I change

Ah Haaaaaaaaaaaaa ah.


I just realized,

When I saw your eyes.

I don’t want to… Stay….  

2013-04-30 16.00.12


To Be Continued…





Sponsored by Girbaud Denim.


Him: Hey I’m back but I’m really sleepy.


Me: Then take a nap at my place, drunky.


Him: Allright, I’m heading over, but just to sleep.


Me: No. Come to think of it, don’t.


Him: Haha. Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then.


Me: Maybe.


Him: I’ll check on you tomorrow then?


Me: If you remember.


Him: I’ll remember.



Me: So will I. How’s the weather out there? Fair?


Him: Slightly chilly, but nice.


Me: Better to head home then. I have to txt a friend and ask about coming over to help.

Him: I hope you find a cool roomie.


Me: By the way, you shouldn’t stand someone up for a date and then sign on to Grindr. It’s poor etiquette. Dick move, I’d say.


Him: You just told me to go home.


Me: I need help. I’m not a flop house. You come over and sit. I cook. It’s not equitable. When it’s time to help you suddenly get tired.


Him: Fair assessment.


Me: Yes. Therefore I’m busy tomorrow. No date.



Him: That’s the rules we set from the start.


Me: Wrong. I was waiting for you to act like a team player.


Him: I’m the worst at that.


Me: Agree. You’re not dating material. Not even friend material. My friends do the dishes when I cook.


Him: You said it was fine to hang out, video games, and fool around, or cuddle. I agreed.


Me: I remember that. I’d like to renegotiate. I’m not satisfied with the arrangement anymore.


Him: I really don’t want to make you feel un-equitable.


Me: Okay, then. Let’s renegotiate?



Him: I feel like you may need more than I can give.


Me: Why? Cause I said let’s go on a date? That’s off the table. How about… do a dish once in awhile? How about don’t act like I’m a pariah if we’re in a gay bar? I don’t really need a boyfriend either; I just asked for a date.




I’m not happy with you wasting my Friday night with your lame excuse last minute. People  ask after my time, you know.




Me: The best negotiations leave everyone happy. Make an offer.


Him: You jump moods very quickly and it’s tough to get my feelings through.


Me: You don’t speak your feelings. That’s all on you. I think it’s pretty clear how I feel. I asked you to take me on a date. What are your feelings?


Him: Not a lot. I wanted to send this quote from Girls but it’s kind of selfish. Let me find it.


Me: No. Speak for yourself. This is negotiation. Say what you want. Don’t be lazy and plagiarize another writer’s work. I literally had to cry about my hurt feelings to get a date. That’s not the start of a deeper friendship. You’re standing me up tonight, the night before our official dinner date, and signing on to Grindr. You didn’t even apologize. How passive aggressive can you be?


Him: I want nothing.


Me: Then you don’t get anything.


Him: I wanted something at some point. Now I don’t.


Me: Life is about tone and timing. That’s understandable.




Me: We don’t seem to have a deal. I’m still fond of you. These small feelings will extinguish relatively easily. I’ll table my negotiation until after Mother’s day. Have fun alone.



Him: Many times that’s the best place to be.


Me: One thing I’m always saying is that the pair of eyes in the mirror belong to the best boyfriend in the world. It’s another way of reminding myself to go fuck myself. I suggest you do the same.


Him: I’m terrible at being on this side of anger.


Me: I’m not angry. Speak for yourself. It’s rude to speak for the other party negotiating. And, it doesn’t get anyone what they want. We were tender and sweet to each other. That’s a great thing. We needed creature comfort. I mistook that for us building a small relationship as friends. It’s my bad. Take care. I have to write this down.


Him: I still think of our relationship as small. Just much smaller now.


Me: Agree. You’re a fair weather friend. You show up when you’re horny, or lonely, or hungry and make me do most of the work. That’s not acceptable. That’s selfish and I won’t accept those terms. No deal.


Him: I’ll let you go. I’m sorry we didn’t read things the same way.


Me: Your cruelty is quite elegant, but don’t be sorry. I’m already adjusting my expectations. I really must go write something.


Him: Okay. Goodnight.

Me: One more thing: Neither of us are Girls, but one of us is in his 20s. Don’t let Lena Dunham speak for you. You speak for you. That’s good negotiation.