Hey folks. Here’s another episode of Tuesdays With Woody. In this episode, Shaun ‘raw dogs’ a stripper from Detroit. Woody and Michael tease mercilessly. Have a look!
Honorary gay and incourigible straight lothario MYQ Kaplan had me and Ben Lerman over to the Hang Out With Me Playpen to talk about our sex lives, what it means to be ‘monogamish’ and how to solve racism in a room full of white people. It was a blast and you can laugh about it here:
Thanks for the funzos boys. It was a hoot.
Oh, and MYQ, wear underwear next time? You kept flopping out of your silk smoking robe.
Arpana restaurant. Miss Snow and I are checking on Kafka, our adopted Japanese man-child, who works in the kitchen. We have just finished a meal and have been invited to have our palms read by an Indian mysitc. There is an air of romance. We just came from Tiffany.
Him: I am a palm reader. You may ask four questions for 15 dollars.
Me: Okay. I believe you are a psychic because you have a magnifying glass made of Mother of Pearl. You got that near the ocean, didn’t you?
Him: Yes. In Florida.
Me: I knew that, because I’m psychic. Or perhaps it just reminded me of shells.
Him: What is your first question?
Me: Why do I have to lie to pepole? It seems like people don’t respect me, unless I lie a little?
Him: The universe doesn’t want you to lie. You will be very ashamed if you lie, and so you cannot be a liar. This is very important and I cannot stress this enough. There are layers of deception, and self deception and you’ve been peeling those layers back for a long time, and now you find the fruit of your labor. Enjoy anything sweet that comes your way, but do not try to lie. It is not in your nature.
Me: Really? I tell stories for a living, though.
Him: That is not the same as lying. You make a clear distinction in your work life, from your home life, and you have earned the right to say with conviction ‘I have integrity.’ Say it please.
Me: I have integrity.
Him: Integrity means wholeness. You know exactly who you are in this life and your opinion can not be swayed.
Me: Even so, just because you have a story, doesn’t mean you have to tell it.
Him: That is also true, but wisdom comes from a practice and a discipline. You must keep writing.
Me: I didn’t say I was a writer.
Him: You didn’t have to. What is your next question?
Me: How does a shepard become King?
Him: How does a King lose his kingdom?
Me: By being unkind to his servants.
Him: Get ready. You are going to be responsible for a LOT of money. A lot.
Me: I don’t want that. I only want un oueff. An egg. Enough. I only want enough money.
Him: Whether you like it or not, you have a tremendous amount of money coming to you. It can be a burden or a blessing depending on how you care for the money, and what you choose to do with it.
Me: I’d like to start a charity for abused LGBTQ people.
Him: That is a noble cause but it will not erase the pain you have suffered.
Me: I like remembering the pain I’ve suffered.
Me: You’re the psychic, you tell me.
Him: You need to remember your pain so you can grow into a new man.
Me: Ding! Growing Pains is a great show.
Him: You are showing a smile again that betrays who you really are. You’re struggling to evolve and when you do the world will be at your feet.
Me: Sounds like I’m going to live in Tibet.
Him: You will leave the country soon.
Me: That is true.
Him: Do you have another question?
Me: I’ve been blythely telling everyone that all of human knowledge is inside all of us when we are born. Do you agree?
Him: It is true. But, unlocking that knowledge comes at a price, and as soon as you become aware of your power, you must wrestle the demons of your own fear.
Him: There is only forever, never, and now. Are you afraid right now?
Him: Then I hope the money you are getting will be spent wisely. What is more important than money?
Him: You are wiser than I gave you credit for. Thank you for an eye opening session.
Me: Don’t I get one more question?
Him: I would rather you come back regularly, and talk to me about how things are progressing. Is that fair?
Me: As long as it doesn’t cost money next time.
Him: Friendship is freely given.
Me: How much do I owe you?
Him: 30. 15 for you and 15 for your fiance.
Me: Will you take 35?
Him: Most certainly. And don’t forget, there is a Goddess of Infinite Compassion – she is much older than the God you worship.
Me: Hey now. Don’t give away the milk for free, buddy.
Him: I saw you dancing, earlier, very graceful.
Me: Thanks, pal. Next time I’ll read your palm.
Him: Is that so?
Me: Yes. I have to get a magnifying glass first.
Him: Go to the ocean.
Me: And make salt.
Him: Yes. It is everyone’s right to make salt in the ocean. No government can control this.
Me: What a drama queen he was about his anorexia.
Him: You are a funny man.
Me: Ugh. I know. Don’t get me started