Oh Jesus. Are you kidding me? A BENEFIT? I have to make and DONATE a pie? Why?
Oh. Japan. That’s right. Sorry. I’m self absorbed. It’s a real problem.
Of course I’ll make a pie for a benefit for Japan. What am I a monster? Yes. But I’ll do it anyway.
My friend Kirk pretended to go to Japan. About four or five months ago he started telling everyone in the New York sketch and improv communities about how he booked a show in Tokyo. He was going to play a role in Picasso at the Lapin Agile. It was an elaborate ruse. He stopped coming to The Upright Citizen’s Brigade where he performs regularly while he was ‘in Japan.’ He even set up a sham tumblr where he photographed food and tried to convince people that breakfast can talk.
Sidebar: This is Corey. I know, right? DOING!! He’s a really nice guy and he helped me make the pie for the Kettle of Fish Benefit for Japan.
He’s a dancer. He just got back from doing a dance show in Pennsylvania, and now he’s traveling around the country, judging dance contests. That’s what he does for a living. Pretty cool right? He’s been asking to be on the blog for a while, and what am I stupid? Of course he can. He’s successful and beautiful. (doing!)
So, back to Kirk – he claimed to have a friend from school who runs an ex-pat theater company in Tokyo. Also, he claims that the show was written by Steve Martin, which doesn’t make any sense because why would Steve Martin write a play about a guy who’s obsessed with cake puppets and female roller derby.?? But we all went along with it. We joked to each other things like “Oh me too!! I’m going to Afghanistan to star in Sylvester Stallone’s performance art installation piece about British Colonialism. He’s not even known as a movie star there! It’s where he gets the real work done.”
We made a triple berry pie. It had Strawberries, Blueberries and Raspberries. I found all of them cheap and ripe at the local Korean market. People always ask me to post recipes, but I don’t. Mostly because I improvise a lot of my pie fillings. Here’s what I did: An assload of strawberries. Like, Two big things. A titload of blueberries: two small things or whatever. and a little penisload of raspberries. One tiny thing. They’re tart and they can take over. I stirred all that together with a couple of tablespoons of corn starch, and a couple of heaping tablespoons of sugar. I put some powdered ginger to brighten up the tartness of the berries.
“Oh, I’m leaving town too!! Me too!! Carnie Wilson wrote an opera and we’re doing it in Dresdin in this huge bomb shelter that’s been converted to an ampitheater. It’s about the Irish Potato Famine and Feminism. She’s real down to earth. I hear she might bring her dad, Brian Wilson, but that’s just a rumor.”
We dotted the filling with butter. About two tablespoons, give or take. I eyeballed it.
I put an egg wash on the pie too – just the whites, because I’m racist. Then I sprinkled it with cinnamon sugar.
There was a really funny improv team that performed at the benefit. They’re called Thank You Robot. They had a great set. I kept mentioning to one of the team members (who I don’t know at all) that Kirk was the absolute wrong choice to host a show, and didn’t anyone realize how he was just milking this earthquake benefit to call attention to his tumblr about his fake trip to Japan. The guy kept talking about how great Kirk is and asking me if I’d been drinking a lot. I told him that I was totally sober and didn’t anyone realize that Kirk keeps bidding on the prizes where you get to be alone with girls?
Anyway. I was just joking, guy from Thank You Robot. I think Kirk was a funny, charming host. I just like to break balls. It’s the only real way I can show affection. Well, that, and… ‘pie making.’
That’s Kirk and Poupak. Poupak runs the UCB Difference Tumblr. They both helped organize the benefit.
Corey was fun and easy going. It has been a while since I’ve seen him, and we had a good time together. I’d have him back anytime.
And guys, listen. Kirk’s not a bad guy. He’s funny and charismatic and charming. So he made up a theater gig in Japan, and created an elaborate hoax to support that theory – so what? He’s my friend. And listen, if you’re in the New York sketch/improv comedy community – I say, let’s just humor him about it, huh? Let’s all pretend that he actually went to Japan, and actually lived through the earthquake there. What’s the harm? Becasue the end result was a great, fun, funny benefit. A good amount of money was raised to help Japan, which is a real place (I checked).
I mean look at that face. You’re not a monster are you? Yes, of course you are, but why spoil Kirk’s fun? He doesn’t read this blog (he thinks it will make him gay), so if we all agree, we can just pretend that he went to Japan. That will make us kind, benevolent friends… Because what are we, without our delusions? We’re nothing. Artists are nothing without their delusions.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to being an internet superstar. Jerks.