Tag: gay dating

Letters

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

eryc perez de tagle

Him: I’ve been following your blog for awhile now, not only because I enjoy reading it, but because I think I’ve projected a fantasy onto you and admire you for everything I am not – handsome, talented, comfortable with their own body, freely pursuing their passion. I admire someone who is not afraid to put themselves out there – mentally and physically (in your case, literally, via photos). Do you have any advice for someone that has pretty low self esteem on how to get a shred of that? Also, any workout tips would be appreciated.

– clue do

Me: Hey Clue.

I need you to listen to me for a second, okay? Are you listening?

You’re beautiful.

I know you are. I’ve never seen you or met you but I know you’re beautiful. You might not be everyone’s type, but trust me- there are people in your life who already stand in awe of you.  I know that. You’re unique and perfect and beautiful.

And I know how you can become more beautiful:

Identify your passion, and pursue it.

Stop listening to the reasons why you can’t succeed. That critical inner voice that says you can’t do it? That voice is the devil. It’s the closest thing to pure evil on this planet.

Don’t compare yourself to other people.

Most people who feel inadequate have a little mental list of people who have done more, achieved more, are better looking, more talented, or deserve more than they do. Keep things in perspective. Even huge movie stars have a list of artists they think they’ll never measure up to.

(In Anna Paquin’s case, that list must be very, very long.)

(we can still see your vagina, anna)

Realize that everyone’s just faking it.

All these photos you see of me running around my kitchen with cute boys in the gorgeous late afternoon light? Carefully staged. I’m a guy who constantly doubts himself, too. I’m faking it as much as Meryl Streep, Barack Obama, or your mailman. We’re all faking it. But if you start behaving like someone who believes in themselves, eventually you trick yourself into having moments where you actually do believe in yourself. Then after a few years, you forget why you were terrible in the first place.

Work.

There’s not much we can do to alter our circumstances, besides working. Some people were born rich, good looking, unnaturally talented. Good for them. The rest of us have to work at it. Identify the thing you love, or are passionate about, and go for it. Don’t expect to master it overnight. Just take the slow steps you need to take for your passion to flower. Work toward goals. Set attainable ones. When you attain them, set loftier ones.

You might not wind up getting what you want, but I guarantee – the very act of pursuing a goal will take you places that astound you. You’ll never believe how much good fortune you have if you work every day toward a simple goal.

I never met anyone who was ‘lucky’ that didn’t work their ass off.

Oh, also – if you want to be more ‘cut’ then lift weights. Free weights. Not machines. Aim for five days a week, and be happy when you go four days. Get mad if you’re only doing three. If you want to slim down, then do cardio. Run outside, or swim. Again, try five days a week.

Aw. Clue. You’re adorable. I want to find a way to end this post where I call you a Jerk, but I just like you too much to do that.

Jerk.

See? I did it anyway. Sorry.

You’re Welcome

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

lex millena

Him: Wow. You’re a busy guy.

Me: You’re busy too! It took us months to find some common time. You look good, by the way.

Him: You’re welcome.

Me: Haha. Thanks for looking so good.

Him: I told you – you’re welcome.

Me: So you did. You said you had a doctor’s appointment?

Him: Sort of. Chiropractor.

Me: I agree.

Him: With what?

Me: A Chiropractor is a ‘sort of’ doctor.

Him: Stop! I really like my Chiropractor.

Me: Hm. Got a little crush on him?

Him: Shut up. He’s such a bro, though.

Me: Bro?

Him: Yeah. He’s a ‘hey bro’ type of guy.

Me: I gather you love that.

Him: Yeah, that’s why I play in the gay sports leagues. I like bromance.

Me: You’re hilarious.

Him: I’m worried though.

Me: Why?

Him: He said that he was going to cancel our appointment next week. He doesn’t think I need to see him every single week.

Me: Isn’t that good news?

Him: What? No! It means he’s breaking up with me.

Me: That’s hilarious. Do you really  think that?

Him: What else could it mean?

Me: That you’re getting better?

Him: Yeah, maybe… See – I’m neurotic.

Me: Only a little. Still – that does seem like a Seinfeld plot.

Him: What does?

Me: My Chiropractor Is Breaking Up With Me. Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

Him: Who watches Seinfeld?

Me: Comedy nerds?

Him: Do you know comedy nerds?

Me: I kind of am one.

Him: Comedy nerds don’t look like you.

Me: You’re welcome?

Him: What?

Me: I was repeating your joke from earlier. Never mind.

(pause)

Me: You’re thinking about your chiropractor, aren’t you?

Him: It’s just, why wouldn’t he want to see me every week? My insurance pays for it.

Me: Listen, if I was being paid an exorbitant amount of money every week to give you a back rub, I’d totally schedule more appointments – not less. Who is this guy?

Him: You’re sweet. Maybe you should be my chiro.

Me: I’m available. I’m only a few hundred dollars an hour.

Him: It’s really bothering me, though.

Me: Would you say you care about other people’s opinions too much?

Him: Yes! I’m totally neurotic about what people think of me.

Me: Oh no. That must suck.

Him: It does. I’m worried about what you’re thinking about me right now.

Me: I’m thinking you’re adorable.

Him: You’re welcome.

Me: Thank you.

(pause)

Me: I think I have the opposite problem…

Him: How so?

Me: I think I don’t care enough what people think of me.

Him: Really?

Me: Yeah. I’m super self absorbed. I had an improv teacher once say “The only absolute in life is your own opinion.” That stuck with me over the years, maybe too much.

Him: That’s a good quote though. I wish I could think that way.

Me: I do think that way, but I wonder if I might be a little bit more successful if I desperately needed to please other people.

Him: Maybe it’s more about you.

Me: Hm?

Him: Do you please yourself, ever?

Me: I’m happy with certain things. Milestones, or accomplishments. But even when I do a really good job in a show or at an audition, I still feel mildly dissatisfied.

Him: Maybe that’s the trick – pleasing yourself.

Me: That’s a very astute observation.

Him: We should order. I want oysters.

Me: This restaurant is great, by the way. You made a good selection.

Him: You’re welcome.

ThursDATE: They’re Playing Our Song

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Him:  So that was the afternoon I got my acceptance letter to Sarah Laurence College.  And I got a scholarship, so I told my parents to suck it.

Me:  Haha – good for you.  That was a great story.

Him:  Thanks.  You know – I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about you…

Me:  Heh.  Thanks.  But give it a second – you’ve only known me for 15 minutes.  I get progressively less charming with time.

Him:  Oh, I don’t believe that.

Me:  It’s been proven scientifically.  Oh hey – I love this song.

Him:  Neutral Milk Hotel?

Me:  Yeah – I always really liked this one.

Him:  Oh my God, me too…  This could totally be our song!

Me:  Huh?

Him:  When we come here five years from now, on our anniversary – we can ask the bartender to play it because it’s our song!

Me:  Heh – all right, all right.  You’re getting ahead of yourself, just a little bit, no?

(pause)

Him:  Haha – yeah, I’m just joking, silly!

Me:  Oh.  Of course.  Of course you are…  heh…  So, what do you do for work?

Him:  I’m a freelance grant writer.

Me:  Oh?  Wow.

Him:  I know – you didn’t picture yourself with a grant writer, did you?  Nobody does – every time I ask that question, nobody does…

Me:  I…  I don’t know.

Him:  Do you like kids?  I love children.

Me:  I have some nieces and nephews and I gotta say, I like them so much more than I thought i was going to.

Him:  What does that mean?  That sounds horrible.

Me:  Hm.  I guess it does, in a way.  What I mean to say is – I wasn’t prepared for how much I was going to actually like/love them.  They’re really quite wonderful.

Him:  That sounds better – do you want kids?

Me:  I don’t know.  I went through a phase where I thought I did, but now I’m wondering if there aren’t advantages to not having them too…  I’m a writer and a comic and it’s pretty enticing, not having to slow down your work load because you had a kid.

Him:  Um, ew.   We’ll have to work on that answer, mister!  I want two kids – a boy and a girl.  Holden and Hanna – after Salinger and Woody Allen.

Me:  Really?  Holden?

Him:  You’ll get used to it.  So have you thought about a survival job?

Me:  What?

Him:  Well freelance writing and comedy can’t pay that well, can they?

Me:  Well they can, but in my case, no.  I barely scrape by.  But I’m kind of okay with that.

Him:  But how are you going to support a family??

Me:  What?  I just said that I might not have one.

Him:  I know – I was just kidding!  Even so, what about Holden and Hanna?

Me:  I don’t…  What do you do for fun around here?  When you’re not grant writing?

Him:  I hope you know I plan to retire by the age of 50, if at all possible…

(long pause)

Me:  I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Him:  Oh you!  You always say that!

Me:  I do.  Always.  For the last 25 minutes.

Him:  You know, I’m starting to think you’re not even looking for a boyfriend.

Me:  I’m not.

Him:  What??

Me:  I’m not – well not actively, at least.  I pride myself on  not being the type of guy that needs to find validation through having a boyfriend.  Not that I’m dead set against it, I’m just not desperately searching for one.

Him:  Ugh.  I wish you would have said that online.  I feel like my time has been wasted.

Me:  I’m sorry you feel that way.

Him:  Aw!  Our first fight!  I’m sorry too – I didn’t mean that thing about wasting my time.

Me:  …

Him:  I’m just kidding!  Let’s have another drink.

Me:  No.

Him: No?

Me: No.  But thanks for meeting up.  Jerk.

Advice

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by ryosuke kumakura

Dear Michael,

I’ve been trying expand my horizons as some might say, and have gone on dates with a few guys I’ve met (relatively new for me); however, this hasn’t been working out very well. I went on a few dates with a guy that I really like (very handsome and refreshingly articulate) and I would say they went well; he seemed more than happy too. After our last one, we couldn’t help but fool around – which was overly enjoyable to say the least. After this though, our communication kinda just stopped. 

We both were visiting our home town for the holidays (Neither of us live there anymore – semi long distance type of thing) and he just left without saying anything and I haven’t heard from him since. Being the type of person that doesn’t like to serial text, I sent him a message and he never responded; thus, I am assuming that he is not going to – being that it has been a week and we used to chat all the time.

My fear is that people just use me because of my face in order to get what they want and then toss me aside. This leads me to the point of advice. How do I know if a guy’s intention is to simply get into my pants and ditch, or if someone actually wants to go on dates with the intention of dating? And, if you have any idea, what should I make of the above situation?  
 
Thanks, 
Duke 
The attached pic is me – sorry I don’t have any fun baking pics 😉
Hey Duke,
Thanks for writing in.  I’m sorry to hear that you recently experienced disappointment in the dating world.  Dating it tough, and being able to process and manage a certain level of disappointment will help you in the process.  It sounds like you’re already on the right track –  if you’re looking for a guy to date for  a while, rather than just fool around with a few times.  Making him wait until the second or third date is a good strategy.  As far as being able to tell whether the guy is just looking to date or just fool around, that’s difficult – most of the time people don’t quite know what they’re looking for, even as they’re out and about in the dating world.
My main piece of advice to you is this:  even as you’re looking for a suitable long term partner, try not to be goal-oriented when you’re dating.  Just see each date as a chance to get to know the other person and have fun.  Try not to read too much into an experience, even if you do wind up fooling around with your date.  People don’t respond well when they can palpably feel your expectations.
Why not consider yourself the commodity?  Be friendly, and have fun, but ultimately make the other person prove to you why they deserve your time.  Always value your own self and what you want most of all.
I’m not exactly sure what it means when you say that people just want to use you because of your face, but as far as faces go, it’s a pretty cute one.  Don’t be surprised if people want to use it for kissing, or other more aggressive activity.
Duke, you’re young and attractive.  Keep your chin up and have a good time.  If you look like you’re having a good time that breeds an attractive energy.  I’m sure there’s plenty more crushes, dates, and foolings-around in your future.
Thanks again for writing in – Jerk.

Advice

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hi Michael,

I’m from Sydney, Australia where we all walk on our hands and ride to work in kangaroo pouches. And have gay sex. Lots of gay sex.

I’ve never asked for advice before from a baker/actor/singer (you are a unique triple threat) but, you seem to go on plenty of dates, so here goes. I’m not very good at that moment when we’ve met once or twice and the other person is into meeting again but I’m not. I have this kind of people pleasing mentality where I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings by rejecting them. I seriously had a relationship for seven years with someone who I wasn’t totally into for this reason.

Basically these are good people, don’t get me wrong but there’s something about them that might be just slightly off. Like they turn up on a date with an umbrella with a handle shaped like a samurai sword and tell stories that are biographically inconsistent. Or you go to their place and they have industrial quantities of Jack Daniels and three years worth of unemptied ashtrays. Or maybe there’s just a bit of a creepy vibe for some reason you can’t put your finger on.

I get the sense that people get a bit damaged by life and I don’t want to contribute to that. But equally I don’t want to end up gay married to some person I’m not into just because I can’t say no to people.

Anyway, I’d be interested in your advice. How do you deal with this situation? Do you just tell it like it is and let the other person deal or do you have some strategy for softening the rejection?

Cheers,

Carl.

Carl,

Thanks for writing in.

It’s funny, I found your letter increasingly disturbing, the longer I mulled it over in my head.  At first it just seemed like, aw, this guy is too nice for his own good – maybe he needs me to tell him to man up and say ‘no’ more often.  But the more I thought about your problem, them more alarmed I got.

Carl, don’t you think it’s alarming, what you’ve said?  On the surface it might just seem like you’re a nice guy, staying with someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. But, what does it say about your own sense of self worth?  To me it says that you don’t value your own happiness enough to put your needs first.

Isn’t your  life important enough for you to insist on being with someone who fulfills you?

You have to get better at saying no.  You have to.  Statistically speaking most of the dates you go on will not lead to a relationship, so you have got to get more picky, my friend.  You don’t want to wind up the husband of someone who buys samurai sword umbrellas and doesn’t empty ash trays.

Listen, Carl.   You get one life.  One.  Live it for yourself.  Make yourself happy.  In order to do that, you have to learn how to say no when you’re not into someone.   Don’t settle for less than the life you deserve.  If the guy you’re on a date with doesn’t inspire you, or make you feel weak in the knees, or have an awesome comic book collection, then you have to kick him to the curb.  This can be done bluntly, or more gently, but you have to get the job done, kiddo.

You’re worth it.  You are.

Thanks for writing in.

Jerk.

Advice

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Hey, you seem to give good advice a lot of the time so I figure you might be able to help me.  I’m 21 years old and have been out for about a year. All of my friends were completely cool about my coming out, and I guess it was a relatively seamless process.  Didn’t lose any friends or anything like that. But at the same time I’m still feeling pretty alone though.  I don’t have a single gay friend.  Not one.  And as much as I enjoy hanging out with my straight friends, it seems like I always end up being the token gay one who’s not going to meet anyone, ever, because we always seem to go places where there are no gay people.  The constant 5th wheel.  One of my friends has said she’s willing to go to a gay bar with me, but I would kind of just feel awkward about the whole thing.  I don’t know why; I can’t really put it into words.

At the same time that I guess my shyness is keeping me from meeting any other gay people, I feel / know that my life needs to change.  I need to get out there somehow and start meeting people or I’ll end up spending my life alone.  I’ve had a few flings with guys, but nothing serious.  It’s not even the sex that’s what’s important right now.  I just want the community, a sense of belonging somewhere and not being the odd one out if you understand what I mean.  i just have no idea how to get started.  So, this sounds really silly but my question is, how do I make gay friends?  Sorry if that just made me sound a little retarded. Ha.

Hugs,
Martin

Hey Martin,

Thanks for writing in.  Well, I think there’s a number of things you can do, if you want to get more involved  in the Gay community.  I hate to think of you out there, openly Gay with no like-minded friends to share the experience.  Since there seems to be Gay bars near you, I’m assuming you’re in a metropolitan setting, or at least a college town?  You should be able to do a quick Google search to find some LGBT groups near you that meet up in person at least once a week.

The other thing is – go out with your Straight friends that are offering to take you out.  Yeah, it might be awkward at first, but consider this:  they want the opportunity to support you and help you make Gay friends, so you might as well take it.  And, while being Gay doesn’t completely define who you are, it is a large chunk of you.  Your friends are curious about that side of you, and you’d do well to expose them to it.

The bar scene is not for everyone, so don’t get frustrated if you feel like an outsider, or if people seem a little aggressive, weird, or coarse.  People act surly sometimes when they’re drinking.  There should be lots of other, sober minded activities for LGBT people near you.  I know in New York there’s Gay Kickball and Gay Dodgeball, amongst other things.

My main advice is this – get out there.  Be gregarious.  Also, stay friendly and upbeat.  When I meet someone who seems ‘over it’ or sour, it’s a real turn off.  Also, if you meet someone you’d like to become friends with, ask them to hang out with you at a later date.  Make it clear you just want to be friends, but ask them to lunch, or shopping, or a movie.  You get the idea.  More than anything, this just takes the guts to walk up to someone who looks like they might be interesting, and say ‘hi.’

You can do it.  Be brave, Martin.

Michael

Hate Mail: Part One

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

pie photos by eryc perez de tagle

Him:  Hey, out of curiosity, I read a little of your blog, and I’d like to know how everyone BUT you can be a jerk when you end up saying some pretty inconsiderate things.  Yea, I know, the world has a few assholes in it, but why spread the bitterness, and then publicly post these conversations as if to reassure yourself that your side of the experience was the good side.  All I’m saying, is if you wanted a normal, safe place to live, where people behave accordingly, you shouldn’t have come to Brooklyn, or NYC for that matter.

Me:  I don’t think that everyone but me is a Jerk.  I don’t think I’m too inconsiderate, too often, but then again I think I’m being funny all the damn time.

You really think I’m spreading bitterness?  That’s interesting.  Most people contact me with the opposite reaction to my posts.  I’m not trying to reassure myself that I’m on the good side of anything – I’m just using my blog as an outlet to process jarring, awkward, or cringe-worthy things that happen to me, sometimes.

I guess it’s great that you’ve contacted me with your feedback?  Thanks?  Certainly I’m glad to know I’ve struck a chord with you, and that even if your reaction to my writing is negative – it’s resonating somewhere inside you.

Feel that?  It’s me.  Resonating.  Deep inside you.

But hey – are you really trying to imply that I should get out of New York if I don’t like this type of treatment?

Did you contact me just to tell me you don’t like me?  Interesting choice.

In any case, thanks for reading.

Jerk.

FriDATE: I Love You

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  I love this place.

Me:  I know.  It’s gonna be hard, not having coffee here when you go back to Chicago, right?

Him:  I can’t believe I stayed here the whole five days.  I was supposed to play it cool, stay with friends a night or two…

(pause)

Me:  Oh.  No.

Him:  What?

Me:  Oh man.  Look at that couple that just walked in.

Him:  Do you know them?

Me:  Uh.  No.  But I can’t stand them.

Him:  I’m sorry? 

Me:  This happens to me only rarely.  Sometimes I decide that I don’t like someone based solely on observing them for an extended period of time.

Him:  OH!  Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.  What did these two do?

Me:  You know, I can’t say, exactly.  It’s just….  them.  I’ve seen them all over the neighborhood lately.  I’d never seen them before and then they started popping up everywhere, turning their noses up at things…

Him:  You’re talking about the Gay couple that just walked in?

Me:  Uh.  Yes…  Do you see anyone else snootily turning their noses up at everything?

Him:  Hm.  Good point.

Me:  Watch them.   They’ll be perfectly friendly, but they’ll have a snotty, snide air the whole time.  They’re even worse on the train, when they’re not on good behavior.

Him:  This is good behavior?

Me:  Apparently.  Look at the tall one.  He’s the worst.  The smaller one, the red head, would be okay on his own, but together they’re this big, palpable, Gay nuisance.

Him:  I agree.  The red head is simply beady-eyed, and untrustworthy.   But the taller one, he just oozes sarcasm and punishing Gay hipster irony. 

Me:  Yes.  Somebody was mean to him in high school, and now he’s making up for it by cunting all over younger, more impressionable art Fags.  Uh oh…

Him:  What?

Me:  It’s occurring to me that we’re as bad as them.  We’re being as judgmental as we imagine them to be.

Him:  Don’t say that!  We can’t be as awful as them.  We at least control our facial expressions.

Me:  True enough, the taller, more stork-like one walks around all day with a scrunched up scowl.

Him:  As if he’s constantly smelling bad cheese.

Me:  HA.  Exactly.

Him:  Safe to say, we don’t know them but we hate them.

Me:  Ha.  Okay.  Oh.

Him:  What?

Me:  Speaking of love and hate.

Him:  Yes?

Me:  Last night…  when i was boning you…

Him:  Oh no.  I thought you missed that! I thought you didn’t notice.

Me:  Uh.  People notice stuff like that.

Him:  DON’T.  It was a syntax error, if anything.

Me:  I think you mean scansion.  It didn’t scan the way you intended.

Him:  So embarrassing.  Why would you bring this up now?

Me:  Hey, it’s not every day that someone you’ve known for a week says ‘I love you,’ while you’re having sex.

Him:  I said:  “I love you inside me.”

Me:  You said ‘I love you,’ and then a long pause, and then you said,’ inside me.’

(long pause)

Me:  It’s okay.  I thought it was cute.  I was like ‘aw…  he’s having I love you fantasies.’

Him:  No, that’s not it.  It was feeling really good, and I meant to say I love you inside me, but in the middle of the sentence i got caught up in what was going on.  It was just a mistake.

Me:  Hey.  I am just breaking your balls.  I know it wasn’t a love confession.  If anything I thought it was cute.

Him:  Okay.   That’s good to know. 

(pause)

Him:  Oh, look at them now.  Looks like the storky one doesn’t like his pastry.

Me:  Oh NO!!  His Sunday afternoon is ruined!!

Him:  Whatever will he DO??

Me:  He’ll have to be content with his own sense of self satisfaction.  It will have to suffice.

Him:  Somehow, I think it will.

Me:  Hey, can I say something?

Him:  Okay.

Me:  I really love you.

(long pause)

Me:  When you make fun of people with me.

Him:  You’re such a jerk.

Me:  You’re right.  I am.

SaturDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  This bar is crowded.  Wow.

Me:  Yeah.  I remember when there used to be like, 60 people here, tops, on a Friday night.  It’s become a destination.  Or a bunch of Gays have moved to Williamsburg, maybe.

Him:  What about Williamsburg would attract a lot of gays?

Me:  Just a certain type of Gay, I guess.  Different types of Gays live in different neighborhoods, it seems…

Him:  Really?  I’m oblivious I guess.

Me:  Yeah, I think so.  You’ve got a pretty face, by the way.

Him:   A compliment.  I bet you say that to all the boys.

Me:  I do, yes.

(pause)

Him:  What?

Me:  I compliment boys, when I go on a date with them, yes.  At, least, if I want to try to kiss them later, I do.

Him:  That doesn’t make me feel special.

Me:  I know!  Imagine how I feel!  I told you you’re pretty and I was made to suffer for it.

Him:  I don’t want to feel like you’re just complimenting me because you’re going to try to kiss me later.  I don’t want to feel like there’s an agenda attached to it.

Me:  You’re right.  Next time I have a stray thought about you being attractive, I’ll keep it to myself.

(pause)

Him:  So, different Gays live in different neighborhoods?

Me:  That’s right.  I think so, at least.

Him:  Okay.  This is a fun game.  What kind of Gays live in Hell’s Kitchen?

Me:  Middle Management Gays, Chorus Boy Gays, and Fashion Fags.

Him:  Hm…  That explains the attitude.

Me:  Exactly.  To them, cunty is a sport.  If you’re not playing the cunty game, you’re not feeling well that day.  It’s a language that they speak.

Him:  I know.  I’m fluent.

Me:  Aren’t we all?  But do we have to choose to communicate that way?

Him:  Some of us think it’s fun.  Upper East Side?

Me:  Retired Journalist Homos, Antique Store Fags, Trust Fund Queers that don’t know how cool Tribeca is.

Him: West Village?

Me:  Graphic Design Homos, Young MTV Exec Pansies, Elderly Queers with Rent Control.

Him:  Williamsburg?

Me:  NYU Poofs, Wanna Be Art Fags, Assholes With Pie Blogs.

Him:  Ha.  You are an asshole.

Me:  Thanks.  You’re super charming.

Him:  Do you say that to all the boys?

Me:  Only when I’m lying.

(pause)

Him:  Bushwick?

Me:  Actual Art Fags, Small Business Owner Homos, Gay Bait with Bed Bugs.

Him:  Wow.  You’ve got it all figured out, huh?

Me:  Obviously not.  I’m a homo of a certain age, and I live next to a highway.

Him:  What do you DO for a living?

Me:  I waste other people’s time.

Him:  What? 

Me:  Just kidding.  I do comedy.  Which is frivolous.  It’s entertainment.  Which is a waste of time.

Him:  Oh I don’t think so.

Me:  Me neither.  I just like the way it sounds coming out of my mouth.  ‘I waste people’s time for a living.’  I love your hair.  You have amazing hair.

Him:  Gross, I haven’t washed it in a while.

Me:  Sorry.  You’re right.  Your hair is disgusting.

Him:  NO!  That’s not what I meant!

Me:  I know.  I’m just reacting to your sarcasm in a literal way.  It’s the only weapon people have against sarcasm.  I’m really sarcastic, and the only thing that penetrates that sarcasm is when people take it (faux) seriously.

Him: Really?

Me:  Drives me up a wall.  Maybe it’s the lighting in here, but man, your skin is wow.

Him:  Shut up.  I have a zit.

Me:  Third time.  That’s the third time.

Him:  Third time what?

Me:  Third time that I’ve complimented you and you’ve told me to shut up or rebuffed me in some way.

Him: Sorry.  I’m just not used to people going around giving compliments to each other.

Me: Not even on dates?

Him:  No.

Me:  That makes me sad.

(long pause)

Him:  Let’s just play our name game.

Me:  Okay.

Him:  What kind of Fags live in Gramercy?

Me:  Stephen Sondheim.