Him: Wow. You’re a busy guy.
Me: You’re busy too! It took us months to find some common time. You look good, by the way.
Him: You’re welcome.
Me: Haha. Thanks for looking so good.
Him: I told you – you’re welcome.
Me: So you did. You said you had a doctor’s appointment?
Him: Sort of. Chiropractor.
Me: I agree.
Him: With what?
Me: A Chiropractor is a ‘sort of’ doctor.
Him: Stop! I really like my Chiropractor.
Me: Hm. Got a little crush on him?
Him: Shut up. He’s such a bro, though.
Me: Bro?
Him: Yeah. He’s a ‘hey bro’ type of guy.
Me: I gather you love that.
Him: Yeah, that’s why I play in the gay sports leagues. I like bromance.
Me: You’re hilarious.
Him: I’m worried though.
Me: Why?
Him: He said that he was going to cancel our appointment next week. He doesn’t think I need to see him every single week.
Me: Isn’t that good news?
Him: What? No! It means he’s breaking up with me.
Me: That’s hilarious. Do you really think that?
Him: What else could it mean?
Me: That you’re getting better?
Him: Yeah, maybe… See – I’m neurotic.
Me: Only a little. Still – that does seem like a Seinfeld plot.
Him: What does?
Me: My Chiropractor Is Breaking Up With Me. Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Him: Who watches Seinfeld?
Me: Comedy nerds?
Him: Do you know comedy nerds?
Me: I kind of am one.
Him: Comedy nerds don’t look like you.
Me: You’re welcome?
Him: What?
Me: I was repeating your joke from earlier. Never mind.
(pause)
Me: You’re thinking about your chiropractor, aren’t you?
Him: It’s just, why wouldn’t he want to see me every week? My insurance pays for it.
Me: Listen, if I was being paid an exorbitant amount of money every week to give you a back rub, I’d totally schedule more appointments – not less. Who is this guy?
Him: You’re sweet. Maybe you should be my chiro.
Me: I’m available. I’m only a few hundred dollars an hour.
Him: It’s really bothering me, though.
Me: Would you say you care about other people’s opinions too much?
Him: Yes! I’m totally neurotic about what people think of me.
Me: Oh no. That must suck.
Him: It does. I’m worried about what you’re thinking about me right now.
Me: I’m thinking you’re adorable.
Him: You’re welcome.
Me: Thank you.
(pause)
Me: I think I have the opposite problem…
Him: How so?
Me: I think I don’t care enough what people think of me.
Him: Really?
Me: Yeah. I’m super self absorbed. I had an improv teacher once say “The only absolute in life is your own opinion.” That stuck with me over the years, maybe too much.
Him: That’s a good quote though. I wish I could think that way.
Me: I do think that way, but I wonder if I might be a little bit more successful if I desperately needed to please other people.
Him: Maybe it’s more about you.
Me: Hm?
Him: Do you please yourself, ever?
Me: I’m happy with certain things. Milestones, or accomplishments. But even when I do a really good job in a show or at an audition, I still feel mildly dissatisfied.
Him: Maybe that’s the trick – pleasing yourself.
Me: That’s a very astute observation.
Him: We should order. I want oysters.
Me: This restaurant is great, by the way. You made a good selection.
Him: You’re welcome.
PIEFOLK 