One Long Letter

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

pie photos by eric perez de tagle

Hello Michael,

It’s me. You know the kid who loves the fact that you are Lord Voldemort. I would never thought I’ll be writing to you to ask for advices. But perhaps deep inside, I really wanted to (I love reading your advices column. Filled with cold reality and harsh truth). Now that there is something dark in my life, I think being the dark lord, you can handle some darkness for a few minutes.
I really don’t expect you to post it on your blog or even reply (too long and overly dramatic). However, it would be amazing if you do either. I have talked to peoples about it. But for a good reason, I just really want to hear your take on it.
So here goes nothing: pardon the grammar. 
About 2+ months ago, a guy messaged me on Dlist. He was coming to my hometown for a job and he would like to meet some peoples before he came here. Not bad looking & a musician/teacher (my kind of dream guy), so I messaged him back. Back and forth we messaged each others, until randomly he added me on facebook. From there, we began to message each others like crazy. Lot of anticipations and building ups from him. & of course, why not play along, he is cute after all & I always like meeting new peoples.Finally he moved to my hometown for a week in order to get his life situated before he goes to LA for a month for further job training. During the week he was in my hometown, we went on dates and he being very charming, I felt for him. On the last night, we went out. When he kissed me, I felt something genuine. & So I went back to his place (which I rarely do, I’m a prude sort of). It was a nice time. So he left for LA.

While he was in LA, we continued to talk. Realizing that he was probably under a lot of pressure, I kept our conversations light and supportive. I never really push further on what happened before he left or relationship talk. But gradually the conversation turned into a lot of hypes and anticipations from him for him to come back. “I can’t wait to see you.” “When I get back, we have to hang out a lot.” “I can’t wait to cuddle with you.” & me being in la la land and a pisces, I fed on that anticipations and thought that we are heading toward a relationship when he gets back.Finally he returned & for the first two days/nights, we hung out. cuddled *no sex. went grocery shopping. went to target. you know… cute things like that. I did text him to see if he wants to hang out. & always, he would return agreeing that I should come over. However, on the third day, I asked him if it is ok for me to come over. He said he was busy… eventually… every days the same things happen again and again.

Feeling a bit abandoned and confused, I finally asked him what is going on. He said that throughout the week I was pressuring him. Furthermore, he can’t do anything further since he just permanently moved in town. I need my own space and time, said he.  Of course, being me, I bended backward and apologized for pressuring him. *even though I honestly don’t think I did. Being flirtatious is not pressuring, right?Anyway, so we talked it out and both decided that it was best we should be friends, for now. However, I also stressed the point to him that I like him. Then it started to turn really sour…

1. I find his grindr profile. status: single; looking for: dates etc. & when ever I strike a conversation with him on Grindr, he would never respond. #pleasant
2. He became really unresponsive when I strike a conversation either through phone or facebook etc.
3. He began to blame that everything I say are offensive to him. & there are the silent treatments if I did that.
3a. It got really bad to the point he called me a stalker. I was asking him where he is teaching? He asked why I want to know. I said that I was curious. Then he called me a stalker. (backtrack: when things were pleasant: he not only told me the names of the elementary schools he was suppose to teach. But also freaking pulled up the schools on google map and showed them to me. Like really, if I want to stalk back then… it would have been really easy.)
4. So I thought being a good friend, I should invite him to some of my friend’s get together. After all, he is new in town. Might as well be inclusive. Well who would have thought:
4a. During dinner, a friend asked where he is teaching. The answer spurted out of this mouth like an erection popping out of his pant. Homegurl was eager to tell. & my goodness, no stalker tendencies for my friends. (Being called a stalker was really offensive to me. Not so much the word stalker. But the fact that he didn’t trust me.)
4b. Throughout the night, he was seriously flirting with one of my friends. Get all touchy feely. Buying him stuffs in front of me. #BitchSlapOnMyFace Sure I was quite jealous because after all I still have strong feelings for him. But, what bothered me the most is that he has no regard for my feelings. No respect for me – even as a friend.

How I feel? terrible of course. It is incredibly hard for me to give myself up completely when I like someone. & I really felt hard for this guy. He is charming. Amazing voice. Smart. Creative. A happy medium between masculine and feminine, & there is something I really like about him that I can’t put a finger on it. (don’t let me start with bad qualities… lol jk)… A lot of things I look for in a man. & I gave my trust to him. & well… I guessed he didn’t care. I feel like a loser really, quite pathetic. I purposely stayed here for him. What’s worst, I turned down a job offer in DC because of him. :/ – He did say I really want you to be here when I come back before he left for LA. I also turned down a lot of offers for dates when he was away. #beingfateful There are a lot more I can say. But I will refrain. Overall, just know that I feel used, vulnerable, and miserable.What do I want to do? honestly, I just want to pack and leave. But not possible. (praying for that DC job to contact me in September – a linger of hope). I am not sure that I can be a friend with someone who clearly is pushing me away at all levels. I am not asking him to be a bf. Probably not possible anymore. He probably already made up his mind. I just want him to be a good friend as I have always been since the beginning.Questions for you: what should I do?

Sad panda!

I know. That was long. But thank you for reading. Again, no obligation or anything to respond. Just want to share.
You have a great day Michael!
🙂
PS: keep taking pictures
Phinnaeus
Hey Phinn,
Wow.  That was a long letter.  I really can’t stand this guy. I’m really annoyed by him.
Okay, first of all – you’re a very sensitive, sweet, beautiful man.  You don’t deserve this type of treatment.  My first issue with him is that he encouraged you to be affectionate with him, and then acted like you were a stalker for wanting to grow closer to him.  It might be true that you attempted to contact him too often, but rather than ignore contact, the adult thing to do is to communicate frustration.
Calling you a stalker and then using your connections to make new friends in a small town also raises a red flag with me.  It sound pretty sociopathic, opportunistic, cunning, cold-blooded.  All that stuff.  Fine if he wants to drag you through an emotional turmoil, but then to turn around and use your social circle to get new dates is pretty rotten.
You say you want to get away?  I say that’s a pretty good idea.  If you’re done with this town anyway why not focus all your energy on getting out?  Better than getting to know your new best friend, the user.
I really don’t like this guy, Phinn.  Sure it might be annoying when someone has a crush on you and they call you too often, but you don’t belittle them and then seduce their friends.  I think you should seize control of the situation, quietly and with dignity.  YOU stop being friends with HIM.  Don’t do it dramatically.  Don’t let him know that you’re ‘not friends anymore.’  Just don’t ever call him again, or invite him places.  Be pleasant when you see him/speak to him, but don’t linger over conversation and keep it light.
Sure, a teacher/musician is probably your dream guy (sounds pretty good to me too…), but don’t forget that those things are just professions.  What makes a relationship is how the guy treats you.  He hasn’t treated you well since date three.  Ditch this guy.  Don’t even be his friend.
It seems like he’s enjoying what he’s doing to you, doesn’t it? He is.  That’s how sociopaths operate.  Write him off.  He’s a sucker, and you’re getting out.
He’s got to go.
Maybe someday you’ll find a generous way to be friends with each other.  As for now, he’s hurt you and you can’t afford to let him keep doing that.  He will.  He’ll keep using you and taking advantage of your generous nature.  Walk away.  Please walk away?
I love you, kiddo.
Michael

Malcolm Sex

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

“We need more light about each other. Light creates understanding, understanding creates love, love creates patience, and patience creates unity.”

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”

“How can you thank a man for giving you what’s already yours? How then can you thank him for giving you only part of what is yours?”

– Malcolm X.

Letters

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Hey!
My name Crissy and I’ve been reading your blog for sometime now.
I was thinking about sending you an email for some time now and telling you how entertaining I found your blog to be, but I didn’t because I didn’t think you would want to talk to a girl.

However, I was reading your recent post on Danger Pin and it inspired me. I’m 5’10” like Sam and it’s hard being so tall. I own heels but I never wear them because I don’t want to be taller than I already am. Also, people make fun of me because of my height and I wish that I could be shorter sometimes. Recently I’ve been more accepting of my height because of looking at models. Then I read your post and it made me feel even better. So thanks! 😀
Crissy —x

Thanks for writing in, Crissy.  I wouldn’t want to talk to girls?  Nah.  I like girls a bunch.

I think we all have some major body issue to overcome at some point.  Here’s my advice:

Wear your heels.  You’re magnificent and impressive.  The people who don’t think so? They are not your real friends.  Make them jealous….  You are a pretty girl.

Love you.

Michael

Michael –

I can honestly say that I am completely addicted to your website for the past couple months. You are fantastic at what you do and to keep me occupied/entertained for more than 5 minutes on the internet without having an urge to go to a new website is practically impossible! After viewing your website, I really hope you can offer some advice to help me.

I come from a suburban area, I’m eighteen and for some reason, I am so scared of being in a relationship with anyone. It’s not that anyone is like dying to be with me considering many of my friends are women or straight men, not very many gay men live around here but regardless, it sucks being alone. I had a long physical relationship with my neighbor since a very young age, but both he and I are in the dark of his orientation because he desires so badly to be straight, and I have every desire to embrace my gay lifestyle, so clearly we’ve been growing apart.

I am starting as a freshman in Philadelphia this year, and so many of the freshman class boys are complete assholes and just so immature and I am so scared about not being able to find a decent gay man who can actually maintain a good relationship. I have found that through this other kid, I have become a very loyal person when it comes to relationships and typically, I am not the hook-up type (minus one exception). What advice can you give me to make me not fear of getting hurt again and actually be able to jump into a new relationship if I find the right guy?

Thank you so much,

Brian

Thanks for writing in Brian.

First of all, fuck your neighbor.  Oh, wait, you already did.  Well, don’t keep fucking your neighbor.  You’re young and you can’t afford to be around that self-hating Gay energy.  Homophobia is homophobia, regardless of whether it’s Straight people or Gays spreading the shame around.

I’m not sure exactly the advice you’re seeking, in regards to your fear?  You say that you’re afraid of getting into a relationship, but that it sucks to be alone.  Then you want some sort of advice that will make it okay to ‘jump into’ a relationship again.  I don’t have that.

If it was me, I’d play the field.  I’d go on lots of dates and kiss a few of them and maybe even sleep with some of them, safely.  You’re in college.  The odds are slim that you’re going to find a guy, settle down, and raise a kid.  Why not explore your options?  Seems better than ‘jumping in’ to something.

As for getting hurt?  That’s just the trade off.  There’s never been two people that loved each other without hurting one another pretty deeply sometimes.  I will say this – you get better at recognizing the type of pain you’re willing to receive and inflict, but that takes practice.

Hey Brian – I want to make this clear – it’s still very much worth loving another person.  So if you’re falling in love, please let yourself.

Keep your head up, and stay classy, kiddo.

Or, if you don’t feel classy that day, slut it up.

Love you.  Keep in touch.

Michael

p.s.  Please remember that most Gays have a wonderful side.  Acknowledge and encourage that and you can’t go wrong.  That doesn’t mean that every once in a while they won’t act like total…

 

Salon Party II

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  Hey.  It’s you again.

Me:  That’s right.  How has the party been?

Him: Great.  It was great.  You guys are great.

Me:  Great.  That’s great.  So great.

Him:  You’re an ass.

Me:  I am.

marcos sanchez

Him:  Sorry that was meant to be a joke.  I meant to say, you have a nice ass.

Me:  Thank you. I suppose everyone has seen it.

Him:  That might be accurate.  Good job keeping it in your shorts.

Me:  So far.

Him:  So far?

Me:  The night’s not over.  If I think I can get these homos to run around in their underwear, I might just do it.

Him:  Really?

Me:  I mean.  Yeah.  I like when people act free.

Him:  Okay.

dan paul roberts

adam gardiner’s spoken word

(I touch his hair)

Me:  You have amazing hair.

Him:  Ha.  Well now you say that?

Me:  Yes.  Now I say it.

Him:  You were just hitting on the guy sitting next to me!

Me:  Yeah I was.  Not really though.  But yeah.  Kind of.

Him:  Which is it?

Me:  I flirt with everyone.  I like affection.  So I give a lot of it away, hoping the world will respond in kind.

paolo raymundo

robbie and jeffrey

Him:  Hm…

Me:  I doesn’t always mean I want to doink a guy, just cause i play with his earlobes at a party.

(I touch his ear lobes)

Him:  Now you’re really an ass.

Me:  You’re probably right.  I won’t argue.

Him:  Good. 

Me:  I do my best.

Him:  You succeed.

stephen slate

Me:  What do you succeed at?

Him:  I work in fashion.  But the low end of it, not the high end.  Think closer to Target than Gucci.

Me:  These are KMart shoes.

(pause)

Him:  Lovely.

Me:  Thanks.  Don’t be blinded by the glamor.

Him:  Do my best.  Hey, are those fake glasses?

Me:  Yes.

Him:  Why do you wear them?

Me:  I don’t know.  I started wearing them and then it became a point of controversy somehow, with some online losers, and I kind of refused to back off of it.

Him:  It does seem inauthentic, somehow, no?

Me:  Maybe.  But, I don’t really like people telling me what I should do, especially if it’s something trivial like a pair of glasses.  Especially internet strangers.  Also, I think they look cute.

Him:  Do you know what you should do?

Me:  Please tell me.  I love when strangers tell me what I should be doing.

Him:  You should get a pair of glasses that are more expensive looking, to add an air of authenticity. 

(long pause)

Me:  HAHAHAHAHA!!  I like that.  I like that a lot.

Him:  Really?  What did I say?

Me:  You’re in the fashion industry – low end – and you challenge my authenticity.  First of all, that’s funny.  Then, your solution to my problem of being inauthentic is to appear more authentic.  I love that your advice wasn’t how to be more authentic, but rather to seem more authentic to other people, so as not to provoke their criticism.

Him:  You love that advice?

Me:  Yeah.  It tickled me.  I loved it.  Says a lot about you.

Him:  Does it?

Me:  I think so.  Says you value the appearance of authenticity, for sure.

Him:  Ugh.  No.  Not this.

Me:  Haha – what?

Him:  This isn’t the conversation I’m having right now.  It’s Saturday night.

Me:  Back to giving me unsolicited fashion and branding advice?

Him:  You’re hard to handle, huh?

Me:  It’s hard being attracted to someone who’s annoying you.

Him:  How did you know what I was thinking?

Me:  I didn’t.  I was thinking that about you.

Him:  What did I do that was annoying??

Me:  Do you remember earlier when you covered my mouth?

Him:  It sounded like you were going somewhere bad with what you were saying.

Me:  I was talking about oppressed minorities.   I said “All oppressed minorities – Asians, Blacks, Gays,” and then you covered my mouth.  Remember?

Him:  There were black people listening.

Me:  Yes.  I know.  I was aware of that.

Him:  It sounded like you were going somewhere bad.

Me:  I wasn’t.   I was talking about how we form communities.

Him:  Well I covered your mouth.

Me:  I know.  I registered that.  I thought, hey, this guy is doing one of the most condescending things possible right now.  Also, he’s super hot.

Him:  Well.  Sorry.  And thank you.

Me:  Eh.  It’s a party.  People are going to act weird.  Didn’t you see me running around in an apron singing songs?

Him:  Very true.  Hey.  I think I might be able to take you on one of those awkward dates sometime.

Me:  I think you’re right.

Him:  I’m great at awkward.

Me:  I’m great at self defeating behavior.  We could really fuck this date up, kiddo.  Let’s do it!

Him:  Okay.  You’re on.  One awkward date.

Me:  You have no idea what you’re in for.

Salon Party Part One

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

allison michael orenstein

Ack!  The dollar store was out of mini-pie tins!

What’s a guy supposed to do??

Well, we bought disposable four cup muffin tins, and cut them down with scissors.

Ghetto style?  You bet.

That’s Chuhan.  He’s a real sweet kid from Atlanta.

He’s new to the whole Gay thing and we’re doing our best to try to socialize him.

He’s got a bright spirit and a kind heart.

He loves to eat bacon.  I had to stop him from eating all my quiche filling.

That’s Clayton.  He came over to help us out.

We had 40 pies to make for as many hungry homos.

Clayton is gaining popularity as a DJ in New York City.

He works at The Ritz and other venues.

Clayton and I had a fun time harassing Chuhan.

We don’t do it on purpose, but Chu has this way about him.

He invites abuse.  Not domestic abuse.  Casual ribbing and teasing.

But if he doesn’t start listening, I’m going to hit him in the face.

You know, so he knows I care.

Guys.  It’s a damn heat wave.

I don’t have A/C.

These boys were really nice to come over and help me bake in this abusive heat.

We teased Chuhan relentlessly while we all sweated and took our clothes off.

Then Clayton and I started talking about abuse.

Clayton had a few insightful things to say about it.

Clayton pointed out that people (in general) tend to receive about as much abuse as they invite.

For instance, he said, when he encounters a person who complains, whines or mopes, he says it automatically makes him act mean, or abusive.

I think there are exceptions.  People marry someone and don’t know they’re violent, or whatever.  But I couldn’t help but think that there’s a fundamental truth to Clayton’s philosophy.

We get the amount of abuse we invite.  Hm.

Kinda made me worry about a few friends I have that have a tendency to seek abusive relationships.

I mean, I know some beautiful, bright, talented young Gays that seem to want to date obnoxious emotionally (or physically) abusive dudes.

That’s a tricky space to put yourself in, over and over again…

Hey.  These mini-quiches turned out okay, after all.  Despite our ghetto baking techniques.  Good call, Chuhan!

More on the Salon soon!  Enjoy the Bacon, Collard, and Sharp Cheddar Quiche.

Salon Party

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

allison michael orenstein

Thin Skin Jonny, me, Robbie and Marcos got a bunch of artists together for tonight.  We’re having another Salon party.

kristen yoonsoo kim

It’s going to be fun.  Lots of comics, writers, singers, poets.  They’re all bringing food and drink.  They’re all going to perform a little.  It’s how poor art fags entertain themselves during a heat wave.

kyk

It starts at 8pm.  If you know me and you didn’t get invited, and you wanna come, please txt me.  I’ll send you the addy.

kyk

I’m making savory mini-quiche.

kyk

Come drop by.  We’ll tell jokes, read poems, sing songs, and eat pies I made.

Be good to see you there.

adam gardiner

ag

ag

HIV Test

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  I’m really scared.

Me:  You look good.  I hate to see you limping around like that.  How’s A.?

Him:  He’s getting better.  He says he’s healing pretty fast, which is putting him in a good mood.

Me:   He’s not angry with me, is he?

Him:  No.

Me:  I’m glad you two are okay.  Sideswiped, huh?

Him:  Yeah.  We were splayed all across the intersection, and the van that hit us on our scooter drove away.  It was a hit and run. 

Me:  I hate seeing you limp around like that.

Him:  My skin is dry and these huge scabs itch a lot.

Me:  Aw.  Pumpkin…   I’m glad you tested negative.  Why are my results taking so long?

Him:  They must’ve all went to lunch.

Me:  They drew our blood at the same time.  Why are my results taking 30 minutes longer?

Him:  I’m serious.  They went to lunch.

Me:  They’re waiting for a counselor.   If you have HIV they have to get you counseling on the spot.  That’s why my results are taking so long.  I’m positive.  I knew this wasn’t just a cold.  I had this sinus infection for a month.  It’s HIV.

Him:  Stop that.  You don’t know that.  You don’t know anything of the sort.  Just wait.

Me:  My pulse.

Him:  What’s going on?

Me:  It’s like I’m at the gym or swimming.  My pulse is racing.  I hate this.  I’m freaking out.  Okay.  It’s not the end of the world.

Him:  Things just change.  A little.  Not even a lot.  A little.

Me:  Your sex life changes a lot.

Him:  If you’re conscientious it does.

Me:  I’m conscientious.  Ugh.  I hate this.  I hate that it’s all Gay people here and that girl who looks like she’s just here with her Gay friend.

Him:  It’s a health clinic in Chelsea.

Me:  I hate having to do this every four months.  I hate squriming for an hour and a half.  Why don’t straight people have to do this?

Him:  They just don’t. 

Me:  I had a rash last week that wouldn’t go away.  I think it’s HIV.  I’ve been totally run down.  I don’t feel like myself the past few weeks.

Him:  Stop it.  You don’t know anything.

Me:  I love you.  You’re my friend and I love you.

Him:  I love you too.

(I start hyperventilating)

Him:  What’s the matter??

Me:  I don’t care.  I don’t care.  If I have this disease I DON’T CARE.  I’m never going to let straight people or even other Gay people make me feel ashamed about it.  Never.  If I have this disease it will make me more driven.  More powerful.  I won’t be ashamed of myself.  I won’t.

Him:  Okay.  Good.  Don’t.

Me:  They can’t make me take shame that I won’t accept.  I won’t be some victim.  I refuse to be the subject of anyone’s pity.  I refuse it.  It won’t work on me.

Him:  You need to calm down.  This is what I do.  I think about food.

Me:  What?

Him:  I think about snacks and what kind of food might be in this building.

Me:  Really?

Him:  Yeah.  I think about the phlebotomist and what kind of lunch she might have packed.

Me:  Mine was stony.  I bet she packed egg salad.

Him:   Yeah.  They’re stony.  Mine had a boyfriend die three days ago in a motorcycle accident.

Me:  Wow.  She must have been a ghost.

Him:  She said that she has to tell his parents.  His parents are out of the country right now and can’t be contacted. 

Me:  Horrible.  I was just thinking the other day how as life goes on and we get older, that we have worse and worse ‘jobs’ to do as people.  Break the news of someone’s death, for instance.

Him:  First your boyfriend dies, and then you have to tell his parents.

Me:  That makes me want to cry.

Him:  Me too.

Me:  I just hope that people get more sensitive to each other as they get older.

Him:  I think people are pretty sensitive. 

Me:  I do comedy.

Him:  Right.  Good luck with that.

Him:  NUMBER SEVENTY THREE!!!

Me:  That’s me.  Here goes nothing.  I love you, kiddo.

Him:  I love you too.

 

Happy Sunday, Folks

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

(Photo: Kristen Yoonsoo Kim)

Hey everyone.  Thanks for all the love and support the past week.  I had a bunch of shows I had to do and I didn’t get to write PIEFOLK as often as I’d have liked to.

Tonight Thin Skin Jonny is doing Margo Leitman and Giulia Rozzi’s Stripped Stories podcast at Sirius Radio.  We’re very excited.

You can search Stripped Stories on iTunes for more info.

(watercolor:  Lex Millena)

Here’s the other thing.  I’m trying an experiment.  I have a cousin named Anna who has a beautiful singing voice.  She’s very young and she lives in St. Louis.  I’m recording a song and posting it on the interwebs and she’s going to listen to the recording, look at the chords, and sing a cover of it that she posts on the interwebs.  You guys – stay tuned for this.  She is a star in the making.  Here’s what I mean:

Right?

Wow.

Right?

Right.

(my little brother Kazu contemplates a quiche we made)

Here’s the song I’m asking Anna to sing:

Please enjoy!

(photo:  Kristen Yoonsoo Kim)