Tag: piefolk

ThursDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

kristen yoonsoo kim

Him:  Hey.

Me:  Hey.  Are you K.?

Him:  Yeah that’s right.  Why?  Disappointed?

Me:  Uh, no.  Not at all.  You’re very attractive.

(pause)

Me:  Why?  Are people usually disappointed?

Him:  Ha. No.  Why would they be??

Me:  Uh..  I don’t….  Did I sound disappointed?

Him:  No, I was just feeling insecure, duh…

Me:  Oh okay.  Yeah…  Duh.

Him:  I hope you don’t think I’m going to bottom for you, just because we met up for coffee.

Me:  Wait, what?

Him:  Coffee is coffee.  I want to make that clear.

Me:  Okay.  I know what coffee is.

Him:  I’m not even a bottom.  I don’t really bottom that much.

Me:  Hey.  That’s fine.  We’re just grabbing a cup of coffee, like you said.

Him:  Fine.

(pause)

Me:  Do people frequently think you’re a bottom?

Him:  Yeah, and it’s irritating.

Me:  Why so?

Him:  I want to be more than just that. 

Me:  Well, most people on Adam4Adam are looking to have sex.

Him:  I know.  I don’t mind hooking up, if the vibe is right.

Me:  I thought you were looking for more than that.

Him:  Well…  ultimately…  but I have to live a life, don’t I?

Me:  Okay.

Him:  Anyway, I don’t want to come off like some bottom slut.

Me: Cool it, mister.  You’re doing fine.  Just relax.

(pause)

Me:  Also, you shouldn’t list yourself as a bottom on online dating sites, if you don’t want people to think that of you.

Him:  But that’s what I like!  I like to bottom.  I much prefer it.

Me:  So, then you’re a bottom.

Him:  Stop it!  I don’t want people thinking that!!

Me:  Jesus.  Okay.  My bad.

(pause)

Him:  Are you disappointed?

Me:  No.

Him:  I feel like you’re disappointed. 

Me:  I’m not.  It’s just a lot.

Him:  Don’t SAY that!!  What’s a lot?

Me:  All this.  I meet up with you for a cup of coffee, and we’re here not more than four minutes, and you’re talking about how you’re a bottom/not a bottom/not to expect you to bottom and wondering if I’m disappointed.

Him:  I knew it.  You’re disappointed.

Me:  I’m not.  I’m just a little overwhelmed.  Can’t we just hang out and chat for a second like normal people?

Him:  Okay.  Fine.

(long pause)

Me:  So when’s the last time you bottomed?

Him:  WHAT?

Me:  Sorry.  That’s my sense of humor.  I thought it would be funny to ask that question, after this totally awkward exchange.  I thought it was funny.  Sorry.

Him:  You shouldn’t be so forward.

Me:  To be fair, you brought up bottoming like, two seconds into this conversation, so…

Him:  Stop!  It’s difficult.  Everyone thinks I’m a bottom.

Me:  I know.  Now I can’t wait until you go to the bathroom.

Him:  Why?  Txt your friends how disappointed you are?

Me:  I’m. Not. Disappointed.

Him:  Why do you want me to go to the bathroom, then?

Me:  I want to see this bottom that everyone’s going nuts over.

Him:  Oh stop it.  You’re way too forward.

Me:  You’re totally right.  I am.  I am way too forward.

Him:  What are you doing after this?

Me:  Some light work at home.   Maybe cooking dinner.  Why?

Him:  I kind of feel like bottoming.

(long pause.  we both start laughing)

WednesDATE: Stop Kicking

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by roger wingfield

Me:  Knock it off.  Stop kicking the bed.

Him:  That’s just the alcohol leaving my system. 

Me:  I know.

Him:  No, I’m serious.

Me:  I know.  Alcohol creates adrenaline.  Your liver processes it into adrenaline.  Even so, stop kicking the bed.  Just lay here.

Him:  Nnnnngh!  Do you know what I just did? 

Me:  Yeah, I know.  You met a stranger out dancing and he bought you shots and gave you cocaine.  Then, you went back to his house with him and had very rough casual sex with him.  Then he gave you an Ambien.  But the Ambien couldn’t over-ride all the booze and coke and so you came over here looking for affection and maybe a crash.

Him:  Wow.  You know me so well.  Mikey, how do you know me so well?

Me:  You told me all that stuff.

Him:  I did?

Me:  Four hours ago before you passed out.  Do you not remember?

(pause)

Him:  Am I, like, the biggest alcoholic you know?

Me:  I know a lot of actors and musicians and comics.

Him:  What’s that mean?

Me:  I was a bartender for years.  I know a lot of drunks.  Stop kicking the bed.

Him:  I’m a huge alcoholic.  Huge.

Me:  Stop it.  Come here and be affectionate with me.

Him:  Ugh.  I’m too sober for that.

Me:  Darling boy.  The things you say.

Him:  That’s not how I meant it.

Me:  I know.  How was the sex, at least?  With cocaine guy.

Him:  It was fine.  I mean.  It was okay.  He committed the Gay cardinal sin.

Me:  Secretly fat?

Him:  Secretly fat.  He was at least 35-40 pounds heavier than his Manhunt profile.

Me:  That can be okay, though, if it wears well on them.

Him:  He already looked borderline on Manhunt.

Me:  Oh wow.  Why did you go ahead and do it?

Him:  Eh.  You know me.  Can’t be trusted after midnight.

Me:  You get compulsive about sex.

Him:  I get compulsive about sex.

Me:  Was it good at all?

Him:  Yeah, I’m really good at zeroing in on the penis, when I don’t like the body.

(pause)

Him:  Hey.  Didn’t you meet up with somebody last week?

Me:  Oh.  Yeah. We went to dinner.

Him:  How did that go?

Me:  There wasn’t chemistry.

Him:  No?

Me:  No.  No chemistry.  Plus…

Him:  What?

Me:  It’s one of my stupid things.  You’ll think it’s really stupid.  You’ll say I’m too picky.

Him:  You are.  Tell me.  I won’t say anything.

Me:  His saliva.

Him:  Oh fuck, are you kidding?  His saliva??

Me:  Don’t make fun of me.  His saliva is too viscous.  It’s almost oily when he kisses you.

Him:  I can’t believe you have such narrow margins for disqualifying someone as a sex partner.

Me:  It’s gross.  It’s like his mouth manufactures a thin coating of slime.  I’ve experienced it before.  It always comes with a particular odor too.

Him: Like not flossing?

Me:  Similar.  Stop kicking the bed.

Him: Do you think I’m a terrible alcoholic?

Me:  No, I think you’re great at it.

Him:  Haha.  I am.

(pause)

Him:  I thank God every day I wasn’t born a woman.

Me:  Please go to bed.  Don’t be sexist.

Him:  Seriously.  I have no use at all for women.  They’re all named names like Lauren, and everything is so easy for them.

Me:  You’re so weird, and that’s not true.   Don’t say misogynist things.  Just go to bed.

(long pause)

Him:  I’m so glad I work with the LGBT community.  I don’t have to talk to straight people at all, except to say there’s nothing we can do for them.  I love that.

Me:  I know you do.  I’m glad you’ve found your niche.

Him:  I hate straight people.

(pause)

Him:  Does that make me a terrible person?

Me: I don’t think so.  I have complicated feelings about them, sometimes.

Him:  That’s putting it mildly.

Me:  Yeah.  It is.

STOP.  KICKING.  THE BED.

FriDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

allison michael orenstein

Me:  Where did you go?  You left after the show.  I was so excited to see  you.  I’ve been wondering about you for months.

Him: I am sorry ~ I was so shy ~and actually I did came back ~after eating mcdonald ~ THanks a lot ~ for your show ~ I feel much more better now ~I was so upset these days ~ and bored ~ and bite my lips twice by eating food ~ actually 3rd time ~ today the mc chicken make me bite my lips a 3rd time ~you are so cute ~ garfield ~ I like you very much ~ I ll definitely come back to see you again ~ :)lol ~ you leave so early ~ I thought you will stay later ~ Next time we ll eat together ~ lol~

Me:  I’ve been waiting for months to meet you.  I’ve been intrigued by you.  You’re a Gay Christian, from a culture that doesn’t embrace Christianity.  That’s interesting to me.  Plus I’ve grown attached to you, from talking to you on Facebook.  Next time wait for me.

I want to talk to you, or just take a walk.

Him:  I went to mcdonald n regret n went back, but i bite my lip again…

Me:  What’s this church you go to?  I wanted to walk with you and talk, and maybe hug you and touch your face.  I feel strongly for you, somehow, after talking so long on Facebook.  You’re an unusual guy…

Him:  I go to five churches.  Three of them frequently…  Anglican Christian…

Me:  Isn’t five a lot?

Him:  I’m on a plan to re-virginize myself.  I’m trying to focus on this guy, my beloved, that I met…  I gave up all of my online dating accounts.  But still…  it’s mostly futile.  Maybe I’ll focus on studying…

Me:  I’m not sure I understand…

Him: I’m just in a bad mood and I’ve been biting my lips lately.  I have a lot of stress and I think about God a lot.  It’s difficult.

Me:  I could be your friend…  if you would stick around after shows, instead of running off to eat Mc Donalds…

Him:  I love the piano man.  He’s amazing.

Me:  None of us are anything without Frank.  He’s amazing and we all owe him a great deal.

Him:  You’re like Garfield eating pasta on stage.

Me:  You’re beautiful, and I don’t understand you at all sometimes.  Can you talk more about God?

Him:  I went through a period where I was very bad.  Lots of smuggling and lying and cheating.  I’m from I am Chinese citizen but born illegally in Japan~ My grandparents are Japanese war orphans ~ I am Japanese / Mongolian heritage ~ I live in Manchuria and Mongolia 5 years ~ I smuggling a lot ~ and in order to go to some place better ~ I always lying and cheating…

Me:  Hey.  Tell me something right now.  Can I trust you?

Him:  After my lying period is over, yes.  I want to be a different person than that.

Me:  So can I trust you?

Him:  Yes.  You can trust me.

Me: I don’t care what your past was, kiddo.  I like you for what your are now.  Why don’t you come back to the show?  I’ll go out with you afterward.  We can take a walk or grab some food and I’ll encourage you and maybe even hug you if you’re feeling down.  Is that the worst thing?  Can’t we be intimate.  Do you have too many friends?

Him:  cool ~ I try to be like echo ~ though I know it is a myth ~ the guy I met his name is narcissious ~ so intresting ~ Everytime I give up and go online to predict ~ God will encourage me to continue doing something ~ that’s a good idea ~ thanks a lot ~ I ll definitely hug u ~

lol ~

Me:  Or maybe we could have a real relationship.  We could just be friends…  I bet you’re lonely.  I could be a good friend to you.  You seem to have a lot on your mind.

Him:  I bite my lips anyway ~ I cannot do nothing ~ I guess this is God testify my faith on crashing on someone ~I already thought of being your friend ~ that’s why I plan it carefully rather than seeing you too rush ~lol~long time ago I knew you could be a good guy ~and I want to keep you as a friend ~so I just collect data of you through observation ~ :)

Me:  Okay then.  I hope you come back to the show.  Until then – enjoy collecting data….

WednesDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

erwin caluya

Him:  Thanks for coming.

Me:  Sure, why not?  I’m staying in the neighborhood – apartment sitting.

Him:  I have a huge apartment.

Me:  Great.  I’m staying in a pretty nice apartment myself.  High rise, on the waterfront.  Pretty swanky.

erwin caluya

Him:  My apartment is huge, and I have a huge kitchen. It’s pretty much the best apartment I’ve ever seen in Brooklyn.

Me:  That’s great news.  Good for you.

Him:  Yeah, I pretty much have the whole space to myself, even though I have a few roommates.  One of them is constantly out of town and the place is so huge that It’s almost like I live there alone.

Me:  That’s really great.  Congrats.

Him:  Yeah.  It’s pretty awesome.

Me:  Sounds like it.

Him:  Believe me.  It is.

Me:  I don’t disbelieve you.

allison michael orenstein

Him:  Okay.  Well…  Hey.  You’re cuter in person.  You’re way cuter in person.

Me:  Am I?

Him:  Yeah, it’s always a plus when the guy is cuter in person instead of busted.

Me:  Oh.  Thank you.  Thanks so much.  That’s…  nice of you to say?

Him:  Do you like football?

Me:  I don’t really follow it.  I was in the marching band in high school, but admittedly I never learned the rules.

Him:  Basically each team has four tries to move the ball ten yards.

Me:  That seems reasonable.

Him:  It’s harder than it looks.  So you’re a cook?

Me:  I am.  I have a blog.

Him:  Oh, I know.

Me:  Oh?

Him:  Yes.  You inspired me.  I was cooking naked too, until my roommates bought me an apron.   My apron says Will Cook for Sex – isn’t that funny?

eryc perez de tagle

Me:  Er, sure…. how long have you been at this bar?

Him:  Few hours.

Me:  Ah ha…

Him:  I’ve had a few, but I’m not wasted.  Believe me.

Me:  I believe you.

Him:  What part?

Me:  That you’ve had a few.

Him:  Do you want a beer?

Me:  No.  I had a boozy weekend.  I better just behave myself.

Him:  I like to butcher my own meat.

Me:  What?

Him:  I like to butcher my own meat.

Me:  Seriously?

Him:  Yeah.  I go to Chinatown and I buy meats from the stores.  It’s cheaper, for instance, if you buy a whole rabbit and then butcher it yourself.

Me:  Oh man.  That sounds macabre. 

Him:  It’s not.  You just put on some inspiring music and then separate the fur from the flesh, and then the flesh from the bones.  Then you render the fat.  I’m a big fan of cooking things in animal fat.

Me:  Me too.  I made a quiche recently with duck fat.

Him:  I hear that makes a great quiche.

Me:  So you just put on some music, and butcher a rabbit?

Him:  Yeah.  It’s much cheaper if you butcher it yourself.

Me:  I imagine…

Him:  Just pull off the fur in strips.  You can cut some of the fat off too, and render it.

Me:  That sounds pretty intense.  My family comes from farm people, on my mother’s side, but I never had to butcher anything.  I can clean a fish, if I need to – if the knife is sharp enough.

Him:  A sharp knife is important.

Me:  Yeah.  Agreed.

Him:  So.  The Giants pretty much won.  This game is over.  

Me:  Oh.  Congrats!

Him:  I’d kiss you right here, but I’m more of a gentleman than that.

Me:  This being a rowdy straight bar, I’m inclined to thank you.

Him:  Do you want to hail a cab and go to my house?

Me:  No.  I think we’re asymmetrically  drunk from one another.

Him:  You mean, you’re sober and I’ve had lots.

Me:  I might mean that, yes.  But we can walk.  Let’s walk.

(we leave the bar)

Him:  Did I tell you how amazing my apartment is?  Oh!  There’s a cab.  Let’s take a cab ride to my apartment.

Me:  No, I don’t want to do that.  Remember, we said we were going to walk and talk just a bit.

Him: Let’s take a cab ride.

Me: I’m under the weather a little.  Plus you’re wasted and I’m not.  Better to just call it a night I think.

Him:  TAXI!!  Take this cab with me.

Me:  No.  You’re  a great listener, huh?

Him:  My friends say so.

Me:  Your friends are right…  Have a good evening…

Him:  YOU have a good evening.

(he kisses me on the cheek and walks away.  i’m left with an image of him, naked in his apron, skinning a rabbit)

FriDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  Why are we doing this?

Me:  Why are we doing what?

Him:  Why am I here?

Me:  Good question.  Why are you here?  Because I make good lunches, maybe?

Him:  Shut up.  No.  I mean, yes, you do, but no.

Me:  I miss you.  You come over because we miss each other.

Him:  (silence)

Me:  How’s everything?

Him:  The same.  I’m working.  Different projects.

Me:  What projects?

Him:  Readings…  Showcases…  That sort of stuff…

Me:  That’s great.  It’s great that you’re busy…

Him:  Thanks.  You’re busy too, huh?

Me:  Yeah.  The show is going well, and it seems to be striking a chord with people.

Him:  I’ll say…

Me:  Oh no.  Right.  Sorry…

(pause)

Me:  Thanks for coming, anyway…  I know that was hard to watch.

Him:  Heh.  That’s an understatement.

Me:  That’s not really you, or even me, though, up there.  That’s an extrapolation of feelings I had, filtered through characters I created.  It’s true and not true at the same time.  It’s just comedy.

Him:  I’ll decide what I think is funny.

Me:  I didn’t use your name.

Him:  Excuse me?

Me:  I didn’t use your full name.

(pause)

Me:  It was very big and very brave of you to come see the show.

Him:  I know.  It was hard to watch.  You’re right that it’s not exactly ‘me’ up there, but still…  there was a lot to process.  A lot going on.  A lot of old memories and feelings stirred up by watching that.

Me:  I know.  Thanks for coming to see it…

(pause)

Me:  Do you still like hugs?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  I still love you.

Him:  I still love you too.

Me:  I wish that…

Him: Shhh….  I don’t think any good can come of that.  Can’t we just hug each other and leave all the re-hashing for another time.

Me:  That sounds lovely.  Can we take our clothes off?

Him:  No.  Nice try though.

Me:  You’re welcome.

Him:  For what?

Me:  Isn’t it flattering that I still try?  After all the shit that went down between us?  I’m still trying to get up on you.

Him:  I wouldn’t say it was flattering, exactly.

Me:  Of course you wouldn’t.  You’re much too contrary to let me be right about an adjective.

Him:  Is flattering an adjective or a gerund?

Me:  Oh. My. God.

Him:  I’m just WONDERING.

(long pause.  we hold each other.  then we cry for a good long while)

Me:  I think you’re a beautiful man.

Him:  Likewise.

Me:  Can you help me with something?

Him:  What?

Me:  My doctor says I’m not having enough sex.  He’s really worried, and he says I need to have sex with pretty boys under 5 ft 8.

Him:  Haha.  Nice try.

(long pause)

Him:  Why don’t you serve lunch instead?

Me:  That’s probably a much better idea, huh?

Him:  Probably.

 

Vaganus

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Here’s a blast from the past.  Like 7 years ago, past.

Please enjoy this funny video written by and starring my friend Brian Fountain.

Directed by Victor Varnado.

Wow…  I can’t believe my hair used to look like that.  Ugh.

Enjoy the Vaganus…

Jerks.

WednesDATE: INTERMITTENT

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Me:  Hey.

Him:  Oh, hi.

Me:  I noticed you from across the room.

Him:  Oh really?  Is that so?

Me:  Yeah.  I was looking at you, here and there, when I was chatting with my friend.

Him:  Intermittently.

Me:  Yes.  Here and there…  intermittently…  Same thing.

Eryc Perez de Tagle

Him:  You were looking at me?  Weird.

Me:  I think we were looking at each other.  You kept making eye contact with me.

Him:  Shut UP!  I did NOT make eye contact with you!

Me:  Oh, okay.  I must have misread it.  I was trying to make eye contact with you because you’re cute.  I thought you were making eye contact.  My bad.  Cheers.

(I turn to go)

Him:  STOP IT!!  I was looking at you.

Me:  Oh.  I thought so…  But then why…  never mind.  How are you tonight?

Him:  Whatever.  This bar is whatever, don’t you think?

Me:  I can’t disagree, given the vague parameters.  This bar IS whatever.

Him:  “Vague parameters??”  Who talks like that??

Me:  I do…  intermittently.  (pause)  Get it?

Him:  No.  Was there a joke?

Me:  You made fun of me for using a complicated, pedantic word phrase, and I brought up your earlier use of the word ‘intermittently.’  I thought it was funny.

Him:  It wasn’t funny.

Me:  It wasn’t funny, ‘haha.’  It was funny, ‘ironic.’  In any case, I have to keep trying.

Him:  Oh?  Why’s that?

Me:  I just do.

Him:  What do you do?  For a living?

Me:  Uh oh.  This never goes well.

Him:  Oh, come ON!  It can’t be that bad.  Are you a prostitute?

Me:  At my age?  No.  I’m a comic.

Him:  Oh, I don’t like that at all.  But what do you do for money?

Me:  That’s what I do for money.  I’m a comic.  I book gigs at colleges and regional theaters and I perform around town doing various stuff, and I teach at and direct the musical program at The Magnet theater.

Him:  Magnet Theater?  Never heard of it.

Me:  It exists.  I promise.

Him:  How old are you?

Me:  Oh man.  You’re young aren’t you?  I hate answering this question.  I’m 36.

Him:  That’s okay.  I meet old people all the time.

Me:  Thank you.  We all thank you for charitably spending time with us.

Him:  Oh it’s not charitable.  I’m charging.

Me:  Isn’t that cute?  Do you remember seeing me take my heart pills?  I can’t seem to remember if I took them or what…

Him:  I don’t want you telling jokes.  I’m not sure I see myself spending time with a comic.

Me:  Right.  That’s the second time you’ve said you don’t approve of my occupation.  I get it.  You don’t like it.  What do you do?

Him:  I go to Pratt.  I’m a visual artist.

Me:  Oh, that’s really cool!

Him:  No, it’s not.  I hate art.

Me:  You do?  Why would you devote your life to it, if you hate it?

Him: It’s not who I am, it’s just my work, you know?

Me:  Not really.  Comedy is a lot of who I am.  I have my days where I am good at it, but I don’t particularly like doing it, but those days are rare.  Usually I really like doing it.  I’m not getting rich here, so liking it is pretty important to me.

Him:  Yeah, I just don’t like the idea of me becoming friends with a comic, you know?  Doesn’t really fit in with my view of what I should be doing with myself.

Me:  Thanks for your honesty.  I am going to walk away now.

Him:  WHY??  Stay here and talk to me!!

Me:  I don’t know why I should.  You’ve gone out of your way to insult my profession three times.  You’ve called me old, and you’ve expressed doubt that you’d even like me much, if you got to know me.  I might just quit while I’m ahead.  You’re super cute.  Have a good night.

Him:  Let me buy you a drink.  Will you drink a gin and tonic with me?

Me:  Um…  I mean usually I wouldn’t, but I want you to have to pay money for this conversation to continue, so yes.  I’ll have one.

Him:  Two gin and tonics, please.  Let me explain myself.  I think you’re attractive – that’s why I’m standing here.  But my worldview is complicated and I don’t define myself by being an artist or a Pratt student so I don’t know why you have to run around going ‘I’m a comic’ all the time.

Me:  You asked me about it.  You asked what I do.

(pause)

Him:  Even so.  I don’t like comedy, and I think it’s uncool and annoying, and I’m trying to counterbalance my attraction to you with your age and choice of profession.

Me:  Honesty.  I like that.  Keep going please.

Roger Wingfield

Him:  Also, to be perfectly honest, there’s a boy here tonight that I’ve been working for a few dates now, and I want to try to seal the deal with him.  Talking to you might not be the smartest thing.

Me:  And yet here we are.  Okay.  Did you pay for the drinks?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  Thanks for the drink.  I’m going home.  I should have gone home an hour ago.  You’re a real charm boat.

Adam Gardiner

Him:  Don’t leave like that.

Me:  You’re super cute, but you’ve been pretty rotten to me.  I’m going to bed.  Have a good night.

Him:  Come ON!!!

(surprise ending:  I do not come on.  I go home alone and sleep like a baby.)

Kristen Yoonsoo Kim