WednesDATE: INTERMITTENT

Me:  Hey.

Him:  Oh, hi.

Me:  I noticed you from across the room.

Him:  Oh really?  Is that so?

Me:  Yeah.  I was looking at you, here and there, when I was chatting with my friend.

Him:  Intermittently.

Me:  Yes.  Here and there…  intermittently…  Same thing.

Eryc Perez de Tagle

Him:  You were looking at me?  Weird.

Me:  I think we were looking at each other.  You kept making eye contact with me.

Him:  Shut UP!  I did NOT make eye contact with you!

Me:  Oh, okay.  I must have misread it.  I was trying to make eye contact with you because you’re cute.  I thought you were making eye contact.  My bad.  Cheers.

(I turn to go)

Him:  STOP IT!!  I was looking at you.

Me:  Oh.  I thought so…  But then why…  never mind.  How are you tonight?

Him:  Whatever.  This bar is whatever, don’t you think?

Me:  I can’t disagree, given the vague parameters.  This bar IS whatever.

Him:  “Vague parameters??”  Who talks like that??

Me:  I do…  intermittently.  (pause)  Get it?

Him:  No.  Was there a joke?

Me:  You made fun of me for using a complicated, pedantic word phrase, and I brought up your earlier use of the word ‘intermittently.’  I thought it was funny.

Him:  It wasn’t funny.

Me:  It wasn’t funny, ‘haha.’  It was funny, ‘ironic.’  In any case, I have to keep trying.

Him:  Oh?  Why’s that?

Me:  I just do.

Him:  What do you do?  For a living?

Me:  Uh oh.  This never goes well.

Him:  Oh, come ON!  It can’t be that bad.  Are you a prostitute?

Me:  At my age?  No.  I’m a comic.

Him:  Oh, I don’t like that at all.  But what do you do for money?

Me:  That’s what I do for money.  I’m a comic.  I book gigs at colleges and regional theaters and I perform around town doing various stuff, and I teach at and direct the musical program at The Magnet theater.

Him:  Magnet Theater?  Never heard of it.

Me:  It exists.  I promise.

Him:  How old are you?

Me:  Oh man.  You’re young aren’t you?  I hate answering this question.  I’m 36.

Him:  That’s okay.  I meet old people all the time.

Me:  Thank you.  We all thank you for charitably spending time with us.

Him:  Oh it’s not charitable.  I’m charging.

Me:  Isn’t that cute?  Do you remember seeing me take my heart pills?  I can’t seem to remember if I took them or what…

Him:  I don’t want you telling jokes.  I’m not sure I see myself spending time with a comic.

Me:  Right.  That’s the second time you’ve said you don’t approve of my occupation.  I get it.  You don’t like it.  What do you do?

Him:  I go to Pratt.  I’m a visual artist.

Me:  Oh, that’s really cool!

Him:  No, it’s not.  I hate art.

Me:  You do?  Why would you devote your life to it, if you hate it?

Him: It’s not who I am, it’s just my work, you know?

Me:  Not really.  Comedy is a lot of who I am.  I have my days where I am good at it, but I don’t particularly like doing it, but those days are rare.  Usually I really like doing it.  I’m not getting rich here, so liking it is pretty important to me.

Him:  Yeah, I just don’t like the idea of me becoming friends with a comic, you know?  Doesn’t really fit in with my view of what I should be doing with myself.

Me:  Thanks for your honesty.  I am going to walk away now.

Him:  WHY??  Stay here and talk to me!!

Me:  I don’t know why I should.  You’ve gone out of your way to insult my profession three times.  You’ve called me old, and you’ve expressed doubt that you’d even like me much, if you got to know me.  I might just quit while I’m ahead.  You’re super cute.  Have a good night.

Him:  Let me buy you a drink.  Will you drink a gin and tonic with me?

Me:  Um…  I mean usually I wouldn’t, but I want you to have to pay money for this conversation to continue, so yes.  I’ll have one.

Him:  Two gin and tonics, please.  Let me explain myself.  I think you’re attractive – that’s why I’m standing here.  But my worldview is complicated and I don’t define myself by being an artist or a Pratt student so I don’t know why you have to run around going ‘I’m a comic’ all the time.

Me:  You asked me about it.  You asked what I do.

(pause)

Him:  Even so.  I don’t like comedy, and I think it’s uncool and annoying, and I’m trying to counterbalance my attraction to you with your age and choice of profession.

Me:  Honesty.  I like that.  Keep going please.

Roger Wingfield

Him:  Also, to be perfectly honest, there’s a boy here tonight that I’ve been working for a few dates now, and I want to try to seal the deal with him.  Talking to you might not be the smartest thing.

Me:  And yet here we are.  Okay.  Did you pay for the drinks?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  Thanks for the drink.  I’m going home.  I should have gone home an hour ago.  You’re a real charm boat.

Adam Gardiner

Him:  Don’t leave like that.

Me:  You’re super cute, but you’ve been pretty rotten to me.  I’m going to bed.  Have a good night.

Him:  Come ON!!!

(surprise ending:  I do not come on.  I go home alone and sleep like a baby.)

Kristen Yoonsoo Kim

7 thoughts on “WednesDATE: INTERMITTENT

  1. Where do you meet these assholes? Good lord. All of these stories remind me of the days when I used to allow my friends to drag me out to fancy bars in Chelsea and while they flirted with random guys, I would scowl in the corner, swirling a martini and hoping my narrowed eyes would fend off conversations that always turned out to be some version of this:

    “Why aren’t you talking to anyone?”
    “I don’t want to.”
    “Why not?”
    “I just don’t! I’m in a bad mood.”
    “You can’t be in a bad mood, you’re out at a club!”
    “YOU can’t tell me how I should feel. I don’t want to talk to you.”
    “Fine, forget it . . . (turn. walk away. pause. turn back.) Can’t I buy you a drink?”
    ” . . . (eye roll/silence/death glare)”

    Oh, the good ‘ol days.

  2. HA, 36 FUCK I thought for sure you were 28. You look 28, it might be the nice abs and laser wit! Anyway, just pretend your 28 and have anniversaries of being 28 with all that time and being 28 you’ll find the right type of guy, instead of the ass hattery you normally seem to get.

  3. Vampire? Hot 😉

    Seriously though I’m surprised at all the horrible dates you seem to end up with. I personally don’t get it. You’re sexy, smart, and have a fun personality; something you’d think most people would want. Also surprises me how many people have such issue with you being a comic. I would actually like that; I love people who can make me laugh. Plus I’d want my partner to be happy in his profession; I could care how little or how much he would make. If you’re not happy in what you do then what’s the point? It just just shows how shallow people are to over look all the other good qualities just because of how much someone makes.

    If I didn’t already have a hubby, I’d love to come make some hot pie with you 😉 lol. Keep up with the awesome blog, I always enjoy every post…. Jerk. 🙂

  4. I like how he doesn’t want to be defined by his profession or whatever he’s studying at the moment but by some idealistic notion he tries to live up to by surrounding himself with things he thinks will elevate him to those ideals.

    If I could scoff any harder.

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