Tag: gay lifestyle blog

Hey, Old Friend

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

What?

Oh STOP it.  That’s just Garho.  I’ve known him for years.

He came over to make Strawberry and Fresh Ginger Pie.

What?  I don’t know if he’s single?  He’s casually dating someone I think.

Why do you keep asking about him?  This is my blog.  Ask about me.

Okay fine, well then stop being such a creeper.

I met Garho online, a few years ago, when he was planning on moving to Greenpoint.

I saw a few pictures of him and fell in love.

He has ‘husband material’ written all over him, right?

We corresponded online for about 6 weeks, and when he moved here I asked him to meet me for a beer.

We did!  We met at Enid’s bar and had one beer each.

It was enough.  Garho turned bright red!  He has very little alcohol tolerance and is therefore a cheap date, fellas.

What???  I don’t know what size shoe he wears!

That’s a really weird question.  Stop asking me questions like that.

So, while we had our beer (years ago) I told him that I was going through a rough break up.

I was!  It was really fucking rough, guys.  Eight years together.  Ugh.  I don’t recommend it.  Stay together if you can, Gays.

I said that I was not emotionally available for dating, and that was too bad, because he is so super datable.

When he’s not making faces like that, he’s super datable.  Trust me.

He looked a little disappointed, two years ago, when I met him for a drink.

I said, hey, actually, you’re dodging a bullet.  I’m complicated in strange ways and I’m 453 years older than you anyway.

He laughed.  I love getting a laugh.  It’s my favorite thing.  Better than sex, or money, or even food.

Maybe not food.  Let’s not go crazy.

After our beers were finished, two years ago, I proposed a ‘special friendship’ to Garho.

I believe straight people call it ‘friends with benefits.’

Guess what?

Garho laughed again!!!  Yay!!!  I got another laugh!

Just so you know, fellas, Garho’s not the FWB type.  He’s looking for dates, and such.

So, given that we couldn’t be ‘special’ friends, I proposed that we become actual friends.

That did not get a laugh.  But it got a smile.  We became friends.

Garho is a good friend.  He’s very into family, and his social network.  He takes ballet and he used to be on the crew team when he was in college.

What??  I don’t know what he smells like.  Why would you ask that question, weirdo?

If you see him around town, say hi, and compliment him on being brave and doing PIEFOLK with me.

And hey, ask him on a date, too, while you’re at it.  He likes to go out and have fun.

But do yourself a favor, eh?

Keep your creepy weird questions to yourself.

Garho likes it when you act like a gentleman.

So be a gentleman, okay?

Jerk.

Midwestern Visit

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photo by eryc perez de tagle

My life is strange.

Just putting that out there.

I tend to get contacted by Gay people these days.  Gays that I don’t know.

Gays from strange lands, like Iowa.

That’s Huy.

He’s a college student in Des Moines.

He studies Pharmacology.

That means I get free drugs, right??

Wrong.  Apparently Huy has a list of these things called eth-ics (am I pronouncing that right?) that preclude him from giving away drugs to pie men.  Apparently, you need to have a reason to take pharmacy drugs?

News to me…

For future reference, my favorite is Ambien, but I had to tell my doctor to not prescribe it anymore, because I have a tendency to take it every night if i have it…

Then I get responses to emails that I don’t remember having sent.

Once, I got a letter from a San Fransisco adoption agency thanking me for my interest and asking me about my finances.

Apparently my baby clock is ticking, especially when I am blacked out on Ambien.

Look at how confident he looks.

You’ll never believe this, but when he arrived, late afternoon, he was trembling.

I hugged him hello and he shook.  I held him close to me for a few minutes and said kind, comforting things.  Then I stole his credit card from his wallet.

(I was out of toilet paper that day)

Just kidding.  I didn’t say anything comforting.  Who wants to go shopping??

Just kidding.  I said nice stuff about how brave he was to contact me, and volunteer for my bizarre art project.

He called me a role model and said that he respected my ideas about queer liberation, and brotherhood – which made me totes nervous, because most of the time it’s my job to act like an idiot in a room full of drunk people (comedy).

I told him he is very attractive.

He seemed surprised, but thanked me and returned the compliment.  Some lie about how salt and pepper stubble is super hot.

He said he wasn’t used to getting a lot of compliments from strangers.

I said that was a shame, because he’s clearly a sexwad.

He wondered aloud what a sexwad is, and I changed the subject.

We switched aprons at a certain point in the baking process.

I wanted to see if I look good in yellow (nope), and I was having identity confusion.

He showed up with a pair of fake glasses, just like mine.

Doesn’t that just kill you, a little, inside?

It does me.  It kills me.  In a good way.

It rips my heart out.

What a sweet pea.

We spent some time together after the pie making.

He came to Thin Skin Jonny: Farewell Reunion Tour at UCB theater.  He also saw the Made Up Musical at the Magnet.  We took a walk from Manhattan to Brooklyn, over the Williamsburg bridge.  He was super sweet.

He’s totally determined to succeed in the world of pharmacy.

I told him that success in any field is 80% determination and 20% being a nice guy.

He contradicted me and said that you also need talent.

I laughed and laughed and laughed and said, no, you don’t need talent.

Talent…  That’s a good one!

Who knew he was a comic, too?

The pie we made was a chocolate mousse with a lemon custard on top.

Looks good, huh?

It was decent, but not entirely successful.  I used a wonky custard recipe that leaves out milk from the mix.  Also, I over zested the lemon, and it was waaaaay tart.

I’ll try this out again, at some point.

Huy.  You’re a beautiful, intelligent, talented young man.  You’re kind and you listen.

I loved meeting you.  You’re welcome in my kitchen any time.  Please keep me informed about your successes.

Anna Paquin, let’s not make this awkward.

I’m a comic and I make jokes.

Take it with a grain of salt and count your considerable ducats.

I’ll take it all back when you come out with your first pop album.  Pleeeeeeease record a pop album??

Until then I’ll try to behave myself and not be such a jerk.

Jerks.

(i already told you – out of toilet paper that day)

Letters

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Hey!
My name Crissy and I’ve been reading your blog for sometime now.
I was thinking about sending you an email for some time now and telling you how entertaining I found your blog to be, but I didn’t because I didn’t think you would want to talk to a girl.

However, I was reading your recent post on Danger Pin and it inspired me. I’m 5’10” like Sam and it’s hard being so tall. I own heels but I never wear them because I don’t want to be taller than I already am. Also, people make fun of me because of my height and I wish that I could be shorter sometimes. Recently I’ve been more accepting of my height because of looking at models. Then I read your post and it made me feel even better. So thanks! 😀
Crissy —x

Thanks for writing in, Crissy.  I wouldn’t want to talk to girls?  Nah.  I like girls a bunch.

I think we all have some major body issue to overcome at some point.  Here’s my advice:

Wear your heels.  You’re magnificent and impressive.  The people who don’t think so? They are not your real friends.  Make them jealous….  You are a pretty girl.

Love you.

Michael

Michael –

I can honestly say that I am completely addicted to your website for the past couple months. You are fantastic at what you do and to keep me occupied/entertained for more than 5 minutes on the internet without having an urge to go to a new website is practically impossible! After viewing your website, I really hope you can offer some advice to help me.

I come from a suburban area, I’m eighteen and for some reason, I am so scared of being in a relationship with anyone. It’s not that anyone is like dying to be with me considering many of my friends are women or straight men, not very many gay men live around here but regardless, it sucks being alone. I had a long physical relationship with my neighbor since a very young age, but both he and I are in the dark of his orientation because he desires so badly to be straight, and I have every desire to embrace my gay lifestyle, so clearly we’ve been growing apart.

I am starting as a freshman in Philadelphia this year, and so many of the freshman class boys are complete assholes and just so immature and I am so scared about not being able to find a decent gay man who can actually maintain a good relationship. I have found that through this other kid, I have become a very loyal person when it comes to relationships and typically, I am not the hook-up type (minus one exception). What advice can you give me to make me not fear of getting hurt again and actually be able to jump into a new relationship if I find the right guy?

Thank you so much,

Brian

Thanks for writing in Brian.

First of all, fuck your neighbor.  Oh, wait, you already did.  Well, don’t keep fucking your neighbor.  You’re young and you can’t afford to be around that self-hating Gay energy.  Homophobia is homophobia, regardless of whether it’s Straight people or Gays spreading the shame around.

I’m not sure exactly the advice you’re seeking, in regards to your fear?  You say that you’re afraid of getting into a relationship, but that it sucks to be alone.  Then you want some sort of advice that will make it okay to ‘jump into’ a relationship again.  I don’t have that.

If it was me, I’d play the field.  I’d go on lots of dates and kiss a few of them and maybe even sleep with some of them, safely.  You’re in college.  The odds are slim that you’re going to find a guy, settle down, and raise a kid.  Why not explore your options?  Seems better than ‘jumping in’ to something.

As for getting hurt?  That’s just the trade off.  There’s never been two people that loved each other without hurting one another pretty deeply sometimes.  I will say this – you get better at recognizing the type of pain you’re willing to receive and inflict, but that takes practice.

Hey Brian – I want to make this clear – it’s still very much worth loving another person.  So if you’re falling in love, please let yourself.

Keep your head up, and stay classy, kiddo.

Or, if you don’t feel classy that day, slut it up.

Love you.  Keep in touch.

Michael

p.s.  Please remember that most Gays have a wonderful side.  Acknowledge and encourage that and you can’t go wrong.  That doesn’t mean that every once in a while they won’t act like total…

 

Adam Gardiner

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized


Vice Magazine came over to cover one of my salon parties.  Adam Gardiner was nice enough to take some publicity photos for me.  I’ll write a longer post about it later tonight (I have a rehearsal and a show today) but I wanted to thank him for his work.  You’re a kind, handsome fellow, Adam.  Thanks.

More later, Jerks.

Letters

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

(Guess I’m buying LEVI’S from now on)

Hi Michael,

I appreciated how you handled J.S.’s email.  It was just refreshing you called out his out-dated and insensitive comments.  You did hit a bullseye on that there are guys who still believe in “some gay hierarchy.”  But “entitled” people aren’t the only group of people who think that.  I confess that at times, typically when I feel alone and lonely, I am guilty of having a feeling, however flitting, that my pathetic state is because I was born Korean, earning me a spot at the bottom of the gay hierarchy. I know there are a lot of things wrong with my prior sentence. But anyway, the point is, that for me it was a nice reminder of how so easy it is to fall under the lies of self-loathing. 
Anyway, you seem like a cool guy to get to know and to bake with!  
Take care,
Jake
P.S. I made the spread of food for my party a couple of weeks ago.  I thought I might share that picture, just in case you are auditioning potential guest to bake with.
Jake, you can bake with me any damn time.  You have a great skill set and I’ll bet you’re the cutest thing ever.
We have to get over our racist notions in the Gay community.  We, who understand discrimination more than anyone in this day and age, must be able to rise above racism and misogyny.  If we cannot conquer those things, we cannot become truly unified.  Jake, I challenge you to sleep with an Asian boy or two, so you can see the power of your own attractiveness.   I love you.  You are my brother.
Dear Sir,

Hot damn!

I just stumbled across your website. I’m can’t remember how, as I’m
still in a bit of a shock and unable to collect my thoughts. But, Sweet
Jesus, everything you are doing with Piefolk.net is adorable and sexy
and friendly and good-natured and deliciously gay and also generously
satisfies some human appetite or another. You’ve really made my day.

I grew up in Astoria and moved to Chicago for school, but, oh, had I
known that there would be more to New York in the 2010s than (still
further) rapid rent-rising and character-bleaching gentrification, e.g.
sensual, socially progressive pastry cookery, I’d have stayed. I’d have
stayed.

To make you share in my disappoint that I didn’t, here’s a photograph of
my adoring face. Aren’t I somewhat cute? Yes, I can sometimes force
myself to think so too.

Keep this up, dude! Also, do you have any tips on making an awesome
peach cobbler, my favorite sort of pastry? Or maybe if I pay a trip to
the folks back home sometime this summer, I myself could submit to your
glorious baking master-class?

My sincerest Internet affections,
Gene

Gene,
First of all, flattery will get you everywhere.  Yes.  Everywhere.  No, you’re not ‘somewhat cute.’  You’re what we in the blogging community call ‘boner city.’  That’s a scientific term for a city full of boners, where everyone is so aroused that they’re constantly having to dodge each other on the subway for fear of rudely poking one another with their boners.  See what you did?  You aroused all of New York City.
Can you ‘submit’ yourself to my baking class?  I see where you’re going with this, and yes.  I’ll tie you up and keep you in my closet for a few days, with the cookie cutters, rolling pins and flour sifter, if that’s what you really want.  But you strike me as more of a screw-him-on-the-baking-table sort of guy.  It’s your choice.
No discounts, however, on the class.  Unless you have a twin.  We have group rates.
You were nice to flatter me and I think you’re super cute.
You’re all super cute, Gays.  Don’t forget it.
Jerks.

FriDATE

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Him:  So.  Here we are.

Me:  Yes.  This is it.

Him:  I feel like I’ve been here before.  How long have you lived here?  Did this apartment come with chalkboards up? This apartment is big for New York standards.  I can’t believe I’m hanging out at PIEFOLK.

Me:  It’s just my dirty kitchen.  I’ve been here about 8 or 9 years.  The chalkboard is just paint you can get at Home Depot.

Him:  You painted it yourself??

Me:  Yeah.  Of course.  What would you do?

Him:  Hire someone.  I dunno.

Me:  Ha.  That wasn’t an option.  I was having some lean times when I painted these walls.

Him:  Oh?  What’s changed?

Me:  Nothing.

Him:  OH.

Me:  I’m almost always nearly broke.  It’s fun.  Makes you live creatively.

Him:  So what are we making?  What is this?  Sour cream?  Why did you buy sour cream?  Are these blueberries?  This is the first time I’ve ever made anything.  I never made food before.

Me:  You’ve never made food before?

Him:  We had a cook.

Me:  Wow.  You’re from a wealthy family.

Him:  Not wealthy.  Well off.

Me: If you say so.  Sounds wealthy to me.

Him:  Well I left.  I didn’t want to do it.  I couldn’t.  Can I check my Facebook?  What is that?  What are you whisking?  Is that butter?  What’s this for?  What are you doing with that yellow liquid?  Is that egg?  Who was that guy from last week with all the muscles?  How tall are you?

Me:  It’s butter.  I’m 6ft.  That guy was named Dan Paul.  He’s a recording artist and a go go dancer.

Him:  Ugh.  NO WAY.  I tried dating a go go dancer for a while.  No thank you.  They’re not suitable for dating.  That’s not what they’re for.

Me:  What are they for?

(pause)

Me:  Can you tell me a little bit why it didn’t work?

Him:  I just had a hard time with it.  I would get resentful.  He was always going out to get naked with other people.

Me:  Doing his job?

Him:  Yes.  But I would get jealous.

Me:  (laughs)

Him: What’s so funny?

Me:  He was doing his job.  The job he was doing when you presumably met him.

Him:  So?

Me:  It struck me as ironic.  Your tone was all ‘don’t date go go boys.’  You said it pretty strongly, as if you were going to follow up with some sort of moral failing they have.  But, you’ve only really listed your own flaw.

Him:  Which is?

Me:  Jealousy…  Inability to accept him for who he is/what he does for a living.  He was just doing his job.

Him:  I guess so.  Can I have a hug?

Me:  Yes.

(I hug him for a while.)

Me:  You’re pretty, and your skin is amazing.

Him:  I bet you say that to all the boys.

Me:  I do. I say it to every single one of them.

Him: That makes me feel so very special.

Me:  So I’ve heard.

Him:  From who?

Me:  ‘All the boys.’  We have to finish these muffins.

Him:  Hey, do you have an iPhone charger?  Oh my God what type of music is this?  Do you like pop music?  Can I use your bathroom?  Is there a mirror?  What do I look like?

Me:  Yes to all, except pop music.  I like it okay, but this is some dark alt country station that I made on Pandora.

Him:  I can’t stand to listen to country music. Why do my eyes look so chinky?  I look Chinese!  Other Filipino guys have such round eyes.  I get mistaken for Chinese all the time.

Me:  Your eyes are beautiful.  If they were rounder people would think you were Mexican.

Him:  That’s true.  People take me for Mexican all the time.  Can I have another hug?

(we hug for a while)

Me: Does your family in the Philippines know you’re gay?

Him:  Yes.  They had a ‘Coming Out’ party for me when I told them  I think that’s strange.  Why would you have to announce it??

Me:  Seriously?

Him: Yeah.  Why would you feel the need to announce it.  Straight people don’t have to announce their sexuality.

Me:  But Straight people do announce their own sexuality, all the time.

Him:  No they don’t.

Me:  Yes.  They do.  A debutante’s Coming Out party is just a formal announcement that she’ll be taking dates from men now.  Straight people announce their sexuality all the time.  Going to Hooters with pals, getting your first date with a girl, asking someone to marry you in a public place, bridal showers – they’re all ways of announcing you’re straight.  A christening!  What is a christening if not proof that heterosexuality happened?

Him:  But why is it important for us to announce it?

Me:  You’re asking me this?  Me?  I’m the guy who bakes naked and gay all over the internet.  It’s important because we’re asked by an oppressive straight society to cover up, or subvert ourselves for the sake of not making straights uncomfortable.  It happens all the time in various subtle and blatant ways.

Him:  Like how? 

Me:  Like when your boyfriend says, hey, please don’t kiss me while we’re hanging out with my grandma – she knows I’m gay but I don’t want to freak her out.  That’s your boyfriend acknowledging that his sexuality is a nuisance for straight people.  That’s him asking you to be an accomplice in apologizing for or covering up your sexuality.

Him:  So you’re saying we should stop doing that.  We should announce it.

Me:  I’m saying we HAVE to start doing that.  It’s life or death.  There are plenty of people out there that sympathize with us, but there are plenty of people out there that wish we would get AIDS and die.

Him:  AIDS. 

Me:  AIDS.  Oh!  The muffins are done.  Looks like they’re falling apart.  I guess I shouldn’t have haphazardly put twice as many blueberries in there.

Him:  Yeah.  They’re soggy inside and they didn’t hold form.  I like them.  Good job, Jerk.

The Closet

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Hey Michael,

First off, your site is amazing! Its really interesting to read, and funny too! Although I could spend the rest of this message praising your site, the real reason I’m writing is because I’ve got a problem.
I just turned 20 and I am in the closet (mostly), mainly due to the fact that I go to the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis. I just finished my sophomore year and at the end of the summer I will have to sign a document stating that the next seven years of my life will be devoted to the service of the Navy or Marine Corps. I know that I could be successful as an military officer, but I can’t help feeling that I am completely off my rocker for a few reasons.
First, even with the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, I feel like coming out this fall would just cause me more problems than it is actually worth. Many of the people at my school would give me a lot of shit and I’d rather not deal with that if possible. Second, I feel that I would be defending a country where many people believe that I shouldn’t have the same rights as everyone else.
Don’t get me wrong, America is a great place and overall should be defended. Surprisingly, I really like going to school at the Naval Academy and like most of the people there too. I just feel that I can’t talk to any of my friends about this since they wouldn’t understand the situation and I want to get input from different people before I make the final decision whether to sign or not. Thanks so much!
W.T. Door
Hey, W. T.

Thanks for your kind words.  It’s nice to know people are reading.

It sounds like you’ve got two issues here.  Allow me to order them for you?

#1:  You want to know if you should pull the trigger and sign the contract on a military career.

Yes.  You should.  You’re there for a reason.  You’ve spent all this time there for a reason.  You’re good at this, and you’re drawn to it.  That’s a great thing.  It’s great to know at a young age what you’re good at and why.  Most young men your age don’t have that blessing, to know what they’re passionate about/good at.  You should sign the contract.

Part of your argument seems to be your reservations about whether or not you should be defending a country that won’t allow you the same rights as everyone else.  I hear that.  You’re probably angry.  I know I am.  I’m angry at Straight people in America for silently watching as a smaller faction of militant bullies deny Gays their civil rights.

Even so, part of what makes your narrative so compelling is that willingness and proclivity toward doing just that:  defending a nation of people that still denies you your rights.  There’s a real shortage of gay role models out there – people who will stand up and live an open, naked, unashamed life, and participate in the world that seems to exclude them.  You should be one of those gay role models.  You already inspire me as such, and I can’t wait to see what you’re capable of.

#2 You want to know if you should come out of the closet and conduct your military career as an openly gay homosexual.

Yes.  Yes you should.

How can you possibly be the inspiring role model I already know you to be, if nobody knows you’re Gay?

I know it will be difficult.  Possibly even fraught with peril.  I grew up openly Gay in a very rural, difficult area of central Florida.  It wasn’t easy.  People resented me and ostracized me.  I remember once getting hit in the head with a thrown rock, at my lunch table.

But, I worked harder.  I was more charming, nicer, and harder working than straight boys needed to be.  I never apologized for who I was, nor was I content to shrink up into a marginalized back seat, and wait for the Straights to decide what was what for me.  For better or for worse, I threw myself into their society.

That’s what you should do, too.

I know.  You must be thinking, hey, this is Annapolis – not your high school.  True enough.  But still, without people like you – how can we ever hope for a world where there is gender, race, or sexual orientation equality?

Doesn’t our fight deserve a few brave, open soldiers?

Ask yourself this:

Would you rather live your life as a positive gay role model?  Or would you rather cower as a closeted gay workaholic who desperately hopes his true self doesn’t leak out around the edges at social functions?  I think you know the answer.

You’ve already made a whole lot of brave choices in your life that led you to Annapolis.  Now you have to continue that tradition.  Do it for the brave openly Gay people that have come before you.  Do it for your terrified brothers who live their lives in the closet.  Do it for your country.

But most of all – do it for yourself.

Couple Things

by piefolk, posted in Uncategorized

Drawing by Brendan Lahey

Hey Michael,

Before we get into me, let’s talk about how amazing PIEFOLK is.  It deserves to always be spelled in caps and in bold letters because it makes me smile. Your food is delicious and the friends you cook with seem like a great bunch. Thank you for being as sarcastic and funny as always and bringing joy to my RSS feed.

Now, what I’d love some insight on is my initiative with guys. I seem to always be the one to put forth effort into wanting to hang out and make plans. I’m not one to play games and maybe that’s here the problem lies? I don’t want to do some dance of withholding emotions in lieu of just saying what I’m thinking/feeling. At first I thought maybe I was just too available, even though that’s a subjective opinion but I feel maybe I just make time for people I think are worthy of it and maybe I shouldn’t hand out my free time so easily? Another thought of mine is maybe I’m not so secretly attracted to the guys who aren’t as up front about how they feel and like to play games and lead me on. Maybe I just have too many questions and am in my head too much?

Hit me with your best remedy for a summer of less time given away to those not interested and possibly your thoughts on how to avoid the pattern in the future?


J

J,

Thanks for all your nice compliments.  It’s really encouraging to hear people talk like that about my site.  Thank you.  Sincerely.

Okay, so you pride yourself that you’re not the type of person to play games.  Great,  that’s refreshing to hear.  But most people like to play courtship games.  They like the subtle mating dance that seems to go along with dating someone.  It’s okay for you to opt out of that, but that just means you’re going to have to search a little harder to find the person you’re looking for:  another person who doesn’t play games.

Are you making yourself too available?  I’d suspect that you’re probably telegraphing your availability too much, too soon after meeting someone.  Mind you, that’s only a feeling I’m getting after reading a letter.  But you might be sending out ‘I like you – let’s give this a try’ vibes that are being interpreted as being more needy than you intend them to be.  You don’t want someone to feel like they’ve nailed it down by the end of the second date.  Because most people want more of a challenge than that.  They want to discover they like you slowly, over time.

It could be that you’re really good at pinpointing the type of person/personality that you gel with, but if you really want to keep from screwing the pooch, err on the side of making yourself the commodity.  Make the other person prove to you that they would be a good boyfriend.  Take a month and play the field.  Kiss as many boys as possible, and see who’s calling and what your options are.

Why zero in on one person and make them the object deserving all your affection? Make the person that eventually gets all of you prove they deserve it. Remember.  You’re the commodity.  You’re the hot ticket item.  I’m not saying to act arrogant (I’ll take care of that for both of us), I’m saying to act confident.  You’re a strong, vibrant young man.

When it becomes apparent that the right young man has manifested in your life, take a deep breath and take it slow.

Until then, play the field.

Jerk.

xoxoxoxo,

Michael