Stanley, Who Gets Himself In Awkward Situations

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Here’s a video a few of my friends from The Magnet Theater made. It’s super funny.

Have a good weekend!

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The Made Up Musical

mum screenshot the-magnet-thea_87_329_262Hey folks.

It’s Friday, which means it’s time for The Made Up Musical. Every week I do a show at The Magnet at 10pm.

We interview a ‘notable New Yorker’ for about 20 minutes.  Then we do a musical based on that information.

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This week’s New Yorker is Giulia Rozzi. She’s an incredible storyteller and comic. She’s also a hell of a feminist. Most recently her career has taken off, because of a show she does around the country called Stripped Stories.

“This themed night of hilarious sex stories has been playing monthly to sold-out audiences since it first began in January 2007. With guests spanning from award winning comedians to regular folks who have never set foot on a stage, Stripped Stories pleases both critics and audience members alike.  Each month Giulia and Margot enable audience members to laugh at their own sexual misadventures via the brave guests who bare their souls on stage. With rave reviews from Time Out NY, The Village Voice, Nerve.com and many others, Stripped Stories has become a must see comedy event. The show has been honored with an ECNY nomination for Best Variety Show and was selected to be part of the prestigious NY Comedy Festival. Each show features a comedian, a non-comedian, and a musical act revealing hysterically honest stories about their sex lives plus an interactive jaw-dropping game of “never-have-I-ever” and an audience interview.”

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Giulia is a friend of mine from way back. The show’s only 7 bucks. We’ll all hang out afterward and grab a beer with the audience.

Should be fun. 10 pm. Magnet. Every Friday. The Made Up Musical.

You should come.

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Keep Calm and Carry On

Here’s a photo my friend Kevin took of a gay priest in London. Bravery points all around, boys. Carry On, but don’t Keep Calm. Let’s make some noise.

thegaymenproject's avatarThe Gay Men Project

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Kevin Allison, Adam Gardiner, Dale Cooper Episode 2

 

 

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Me: Did you ever go through a Vally of the Shadow of Death with RISK?

Kevin: I was terribly paranoid during the first few months. But then when I stopped [relying on the safe distance of my childhood stories] and started talking about my kinky stories.

Me: “When I was a kid I shit on a Frisbee!!!”

Kevin: Yeah, yeah.  But the first time I sort of sat down in front of the mic and told a story about something I was wrecked about right then, right now and when I pressed send I was terrified. I was like, what is the comedy community going to think of me? What might my parents eventually think of me?  What might anyone in the entertainment industry think of me?

(pause)

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Kevin: My show… is kind of a philosophical “Fuck You,” to that way of thinking.

Me: Absolutely. I felt that way about PIEFOLK. I had been doing comedy for more than 10 years. East Village Boys asked me to pose apron only. I thought, all these straight, white hetero-normative comics  are never going to let me live this down. Also, my Mom – she’s going to see this and go – I guess he’s not really a comedy person. I guess he’s just a porn star. Overcoming that shame. Overcoming the idea of ‘what will people think?’

(pause)

I always have to brush up that creeping voice inside me that says ‘No one will do your site and no one will take your seriously.’

Kevin: Oh, God, yeah…

Me: But then what I found is… Well, first of all prostitution, porn, all that stuff [that we talk about or traffic in, or tell stories about in our professions] – that’s in the Bible!

(laughter)

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Kevin: Old testament!

Me: People have been bored of that for thousands of years!!

(laughter)

Them: Right right.

Dale: Sorry to interrupt. Speaking of RISK. That’s any internet exposure.  People now with Facebook, Twitter, etc. – you’re in a constant state of managing risk. What photos [will I allow] to get out there? You have to constantly police your online identity because it has repercussions.

Kevin: That’s a great point. I feel like we’re on the avant guard – the people who are saying – you’re being so self conscious about what you’re choosing to put out there into the world, and you know what? We’re choosing to put it ALL out there.

Me: Not all of it.  There are certain things.

Kevin: Yeah yeah yeah.

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Me: I never show penis or sack on my site. I never want my grandmother  – my mom and dad regularly read my site and I don’t want them to see my nut sack.

Dale: They’ve seen it before.

Me: They have. But it’s been 30-someodd years since they’ve seen it. And they don’t want to see it again.

Dale: That’s understandable.

Dale: (to Kevin) I was going to ask you because you brought up kink and whatnot. Does kink play – dom and sub – come into play in your everyday life as a performer? Does doing kink make your more true to yourself? Is it also just playacting?

Kevin: I have not been in enough serious ‘scenes’ with super serious kinksters where I have felt like I’ve taken the role play seriously enough to feel like I went into subspace, or to feel like there was a part of my psychology that I went into – It happened, once where I had an out of body experience where I sort of found myself being submissive in a way that I never thought I would enjoy. I was basically bowing at someone’s feet and worshiping him like an emperor.  Smelling his shoes. Getting whipped. All that sort of stuff… [It put me] in touch with a part of my psychology that I didn’t know was there.

(pause)

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Kevin:  It was very early on into my getting into kink. I shared it immediately on the podcast.

Me: That was a touching story. The way that you tell it now is sort of matter of fact, but when I listened to it on the RISK podcast I was running in McCarren park and I literally had to stop so I could cry.

Dale: Wow.

Kevin: Yeah. It took me back to being a little boy, basically. It was very emotional.

(pause)

Kevin: Since then I’ve been asking when can I meet a kinkster who takes things seriously enough, and is into the psychological side of things enough that I can go back into that mysterious realm? It’s difficult to say. You can’t really force that type of thing. It’s kind of an adventure.

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Kevin Allison, Dale Cooper, Adam Gardiner – Episode 1

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Me: What’s being a porn actor like? What about your fans?

Dale: Well, actually most of what I do now is basically research and reading. I have a wish list that my fans can sort of provide my reading material for me. The wish list is very common for adult films, for fans to get things for the actors. I only have books on there. It keeps me very busy reading and writing notes.

Kevin: Wow! Where are these ‘wish lists?’

Dale: It’s on Amazon. I actually feel kinda bad – there’s a really awesome communist bookstore in Baltimore called Red Emma’s. (Shout out!) I was hoping to get them to be the purveyors of the books, but them being a small business…  they can’t. You can’t argue with the convenience of Amazon.

Me: If you get any bigger will you put cars on your list?

Dale: I made a decision to just have it be books.

Me: Yeah, but those things grow and change and evolve as you grow as an artist!

(laughter)

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Dale: Well if anyone out there has a couple thousand dollars lying around they don’t need!

Me: There you go! NOW you’re being a capitalist! So, Kevin – you’ve been able to sort of ask the universe for something and get it on your podcast, right?

Kevin: Yes indeed. RISK – the whole idea is that people come on and tell stories that they can’t tell anywhere else. You couldn’t tell them on NPR or you’re not even supposed to share in mixed company – some of the stories are really emotional, some are X-rated and some are just… ridiculous!

Me: Ha!

Kevin: I have told a few stories about my recent explorations into kink and there was an episode several months back where I said, oh, let me just put this out there: I would really love a naked Asian housecleaning boy.

(sheepish laughter)

Me: AND YOU GOT ONE!

(more laughter)

Kevin: And I got one. Now you have to understand there’s a context here. BDSM service kink is common. There are a lot of people who are into cleaning your house and getting a sexual charge out of it. The Asian part – that was just part of my own personal, you know…  I’m attracted to Asian guys.

Me: You and I share an appreciation for Asian faces and bodies.

Kevin: Well I felt bad, because it sounded like I was saying… you know, ‘I want an Asian to come clean my house.’

Me: Did it? Because, if you were into gingers and said that no one would blink, right?

Kevin: Right. Right, right. What I meant was I would like someone who was into this sort of thing to contact me. A kid from Malaysia did! He was 23 years old… was going to be a student at Parsons. He was like, I’m moving to the States, I’m super into this, I saw you also on the BDSM sites. Let’s start having Skype sessions and talk about how we can make this happen! And… he did move in with me about a month later, and you know what? I was too… damn… nice.

Me: Oh!!!

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Kevin: Once he moved in with me, I was like – here is a 23 year-old student who is new to the United States and I just started encouraging him. I was like, you know, I’m poly – you should probably give dating guys your own age a shot. I just kept encouraging him to do nice things and I think I dropped out of the zone of being mean and domineering.

Dale: You weren’t fulfilling the sexual needs of your Malaysian slave boy.

Me: “I didn’t come all the way from Malaysia to get a mommy, now let’s make with the butt smacks!!!”

(laughter)

Kevin: Well that’s the thing. When it comes to kink, I’m very good at improvising. I’m good at going into the scene. We were enjoying sex together, but otherwise I wasn’t a 24/7  hard ass asshole to him and I think he grew bored with me.

Me: Can I ask a question?

Kevin: Yes.

Me: How clean was the apartment?

(laughter)

Kevin: That’s the other thing; it was purely practical. I’m terrible at keeping the apartment clean!

Dale: And he was very good at it.

Kevin: Yeah, and I know a lot of ProDoms who are women, who – there are straight guys lining up out the door to clean their apartment – who pay them! Who pay the women! So I’m like, why should I be paying a Latina woman down the street, when I can find a dude who gets off on it?

Me: Right. To qualify, you live in a [predominately] Latina neighborhood?

(laughter)

Me: I wanted to qualify that Kevin doesn’t think….

Kevin: I actually do have a Latina woman who cleans the apartment now.

(pause)

Kevin: And there’s no sex involved.

(laughter)

Me: At least, not yet.

(laughter)

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Copycats

IMG_3907comic/actor julia weidman   photos by tommy ka

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

At least, they say that when you’re making fun of them.

This guy isn’t making fun of me, but he’s copying me, for sure.

I was annoyed when I found out that he was baking semi-nude, but then I watched the video.

It’s well produced, and this guy really knows how to ice a cake. Also he is a mutherfucking stud.

Respect.

Enjoy the cake slut video, if you’re into copycats. I guess I’m into copycats, now!

Rats.

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Resolutions

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My boyfriend and I decided to write some goals down instead of giving something up for 2013.

We decided we’re taking this year to ‘Turn It Yes.’

Care to join us?

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Advice

Martin 1 Amber

Hi,

 

My bisexual friend, ‘Jake the Jerk’ spent some time in rehab recently. Before he left, we had been spending a lot of time together smoking in parks, eating french fries, and watching how dilated each other’s pupils could get. I don’t have many gay friends and it became apparent to both of us that I liked him. I set a (friend) date with him to go see a movie after he came home, mostly so I could gather my balls and the courage to ask him out officially but it didn’t happen. Our cigarettes were lit as I stared into his big beautiful brown eyes, I hugged him, and I ran into my car as fast as I could without making myself vulnerable in the slightest. (I’m an idiot, I know.) Later that day he did some Grindr work and found himself a man twice his age (he is 21, and I am 20) whose cock he has been sitting on since. Let’s call that man Sketchy.

Its not that I have anything against cross generational relationships, its just that these two have nothing in common. He’s gone from being my only queer friend, to practically being a figment of my imagination since I hardly see him anymore. I miss our close friendship. My best friend and I had dinner with Jake and Sketchy the other night and it nearly broke my heart in two. Jake had a shiny new bruise below his left eye and whispered something to me about “being punished” before Sketchy could catch up to being within earshot. He seemed drunk, discontent, and distant. Sketchy insulted my best friend several times at dinner and might have lied about some of his credentials (I did some internet work myself).

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I can’t break Jake out of this relationship, I understand that that isn’t my place, but as his friend how do I learn to tolerate this new phase of our relationship? Furthermore, how am I supposed to engage with Sketchy when all I want to do is to punch him in the face repeatedly. Clearly, my conflicted feelings for Jake and my single sad boy lifestyle is making accepting this much more difficult than it need be.

 

HELP ME,

– Bitter Barry

PumpkinPieFolk (35)

Barry,

Bitterness leads to stank face, and stank face leads to going home from the all ages club alone. You shouldn’t be bitter. It sounds like your friend is going through a difficult time right now, and doesn’t want you to be part of that. Sure, you’re making him sound like an abuse victim, and I have had my experiences with trying to help abuse victims, but we don’t KNOW that for sure.

Maybe he’s in a very healthy S&M relationship? Maybe it’s co-incidence? We don’t know. You’re right not to judge cross-generational relationships, too.

The point is, we don’t know what his deal is – only that he’s with a man that sets your Spidey sense tingling. Maybe you’re right about Sketchy, maybe not, but let’s mind our own relationship for a second and focus on your friendship. We can’t make someone spend time with us if they don’t want to. We can make efforts to reach out, but if we do that a few times and our efforts are ignored, c’est la vie. He seems bent on self destruction, in any case. Perhaps it’s for the best that he’s not your stoner buddy any longer.

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Let’s focus on you. You said you don’t have a lot of queer friends. I want you to take 2013 and change that. Queer people need each other so we can work together to normalize our behavior, so we can get back to what we do best, which is make pals at the all ages club, or in my case doing dumb dumb comedy shows.

I love you.

Michael

Martin 3 Amber

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The Kids Are All Right

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Here’s an article I wrote for Thought Catalog. Word.

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I guess I’m part of the irony generation.

That feels weird to say. I’ve never admitted that I was a hipster before. So many other hipsters are so much more ‘hipster’ than I am. They’re the ones described in news articles — with the mustaches, and the ill-fitting shorts, the home-brewing, trombone playing, annoying uber Williamsburg attitudes. I’m not like those hipsters (those hipsters are actually quite rare), but I am a hipster. And until recently I didn’t even realize that I was one, or wanted to be one.

But I am. And I think — sarcasm aside — I might be proud.

My hipsterism is what you might consider mild. Yes, I do teach improv comedy and comment on the internet for a living. No, I don’t buy Applewood Smoked Bacon over Oscar Mayer bacon. But only because I’m poor. I have a pretty good idea that locally raised Applewood Smoked Bacon might actually kick the ass of Oscar Mayer Bacon every single day of the week. But, like I said, I’m poor. So Oscar Mayer it is! Did I say Oscar Mayer? I meant off-brand supermarket bacon! Actually any cheap protein, I’ll take. Did I mention I was poor?

Shit. I’m off topic, and getting ironic. Fucking hipsters. Okay, so:

I keep a narcissistic blog where I harvest my own awkwardness. I do not write for the New York Times, a publication that jumped on the lets-kick-hipsters-in-the-nuts bandwagon about 10 days ago. I wish I wrote for them, but I don’t. The world isn’t clamoring for my opinion, so I turn inward for inspiration. I have found that if I speak to my own self-consciousness on my blog I gain readers. I also gain attention and gain opportunity. Those are important things for a fledgling writer. It’s a powerful moment for me to realize that I can build my own audience.

But I am also a hipster, I suppose. And that’s where the problem is, right?

People are annoyed with hipsters. Because we’re so inauthentic? Ironic? Disaffected? I disagree, but you’re entitled to your outsider’s opinion. I mean, hate sells papers, or gets internet traffic, after all.

But I will say this: Deal with it.

I’m not saying this to be glib, or to ironically detach from the social phenomenon. Quite the opposite, actually. I just mean that you have to deal with it. It’s a part of a society you helped create. You can write articles about how it’s annoying for a while, and they’ll sell (whatever that means in the digital age), but eventually you’re going to have to deal with it — in a real, sincere, un-ironic way. Hipsters aren’t going anywhere. So, you can write hipster-hating blog entries, newspaper articles, Tumblr posts all you want. We’re a social phenomenon. A very weak, very flabby, very nerd-atrophied social phenomenon. And we’re not going anywhere.

But hey –

What if it’s better to examine the cause, than naively complain about the symptom?

What if… just follow me on this for a sec — I’m stoned — What if we actually dared to ask the pertinent question? What caused the Irony Generation in the first place? I think I know the precocious, adorable, twee answer to that question: The 90’s. The 80’s. The 70’s. And every social movement before that.

It’s been heavily debated whether irony is the disease, or the symptom. I think it’s neither, but if we’re going to classify an entire generation into such a simple this-or-that metaphor, I’d have to go with symptom. I think that’s an important distinction, too. Irony isn’t the infection. The digital age is the infection. Globalization is the infection. Outsourcing of American jobs is the infection. Hipster irony is the symptom of those things, manifested in the fabric of pop culture. If you’re going to hate on something for making the world ironic, hate on NAFTA, or Facebook, or the Bravo channel. Hipsters are just a sign of the times. The youth movement is just a reflection of generations before it.

And that’s the thing. Hipsterism is just a reaction to political and economic phenomenons that predated it. The internet, a terrible economy, a culture obsessed with pseudo-reality. Everyone’s expected to run PR on their own lives. It’s easy to point the finger at the manifestation of that — an irony clad 22-year-old on an old-fashioned bike, on his way to marching band practice — but by and large it’s my guess that it’s not that generation pulling the strings. What’s responsible for this?

A few things that I can think of.

A bad economy, for one. It seems we all agreed that globalizing was the best idea for the world in the 90’s. Bill Clinton signed NAFTA and we were all going to run dot coms instead of working at factories. That was fine for about seven to twelve years, until people realized that getting a lot of attention online doesn’t mean an income stream, and that even getting that attention was difficult. Meanwhile, the idea of a union job, or even a corporate one where you could work 20 years then retire has all but dried up.

The hipster generation was financially screwed by the generation that preceded it — our parents’ generation — the same generation that left us home alone after school, and taught us that if we want dinner, we better research good food and make it ourselves. God forbid, though, we respond to a terrible economy in a resourceful way! Don’t start an Etsy, or a locavore butcher shop, or teach improv comedy for a living. Society will call you a hipster! Well, what if I’m just making a living? Is it then okay for me to wear a Diff’rent Strokes T-shirt? Or does that mean I’ve glibly checked out of society?

Social media has made everyone feel both hyperconnected and desperate that they’re missing something. That’s stressful, especially for those who grew up with rotary phones. Could your hatred of hipsters just be a manifestation of you yourself feeling out of touch? Or, perhaps you’re just hating what people have always hated in any social movement? Perhaps you just hate posers. Even that is misguided, though.

Every social movement has posers. In fact, the bulk of any social movement is a bunch of posers. I’m thinking of the people who participated in the Summer of Love, who then became disco dancers seven years later. The people who did cocaine in the 80s and were the first wave of yuppies to hit the urban landscape. I’m thinking of my parents’ generation, and how they changed with the times. Thank goodness they were posers, too. Can you imagine what would have happened if they’d all joined communes? If they never got over doing Angel Dust? Awful. But they changed with the times, as we all are forced to do.

Every social movement also has an older generation, or even members of the same generation looking on and scratching their heads — saying to themselves, kids today. From the beatniks to the American Apparel kids, the hipster types have always been hated. But that’s okay — because part of the mantle of being a hipster is to be hated by some. What is putting on a beret, or a pair of bell-bottom jeans, or a trucker hat, if not a statement of one’s own individuality? To me, it’s an announcement to the world that you’re willing to try being a free-thinker. That you realize you’ve inherited a broken society, but that you’re looking for creative ways to help fix it, or at least fix yourself in the context of that society. Does that make you a parasite? I don’t think it does. Does it make you sarcastic? Again, I don’t think so.

Am I missing something important, here? To say that we should ‘learn to live without irony’ is glib. It’s sarcastic. And it’s unrealistic. It’s a phenomenon created by the older generation. We didn’t create the internet, or reality television, or the economic crisis caused by globalization. We’re just trying to navigate the mess you created. Sorry if my thick glasses frames are annoying you in the process. I thought they were cute when I bought them and I can’t afford new ones. Did I mention that I’m poor? Seriously. Feed me.

And amidst all the muck being slung against the irony generation one important thing is being forgotten. They’re not doing too shabby. I’m thinking of relevant artists, like Wes Anderson, Sufjan Stevens, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ryan Gosling. These guys are all sincere, and they’re all linked with the term ‘hipster’ quite easily on a Google search. Or let’s look at the more sarcastic side of things — Andy Samberg , Donald Glover, Kristen Schaal, Aubrey Plaza. Are these not brilliant voices that are helping to shape the ethos of a generation? Can you not see the authenticity underneath their adorable fashion choices?

Irony is neither good nor bad. Just as sincerity is neither good nor bad. It’s just a mode of communication. Neither is more effective. It is extremely rare for people to be fully ironic, just as it’s extremely rare for people to be fully sincere. Irony is merely a symptom of a generation that I happen to be a part of. And no. I won’t apologize for that. Why should I? This is human evolution, and every generation has its growing pains. And most importantly — every generation is shaped by the one that came before it. Deal with it.

Yes. Irony is the ethos of the current generation. But rather than teach people how to live without it, I say you’re smarter to teach people how to live with it. It’s not going anywhere. To categorically complain about irony is myopic. It misses the point. There are different types of irony. There’s sarcasm, and then there’s the simple beauty of something being surprising or funny for the opposite reason it’s supposed to be. Have we become so annoyed at society at large that we actually get angry when people without pants start getting on the subway car? Can we look at the authentic emotional intent behind what a flashmob is? Must we run to our ivory tower and type out an article criticizing a movement that simply tried to put a smile on our faces?

Yes, there’s an ugly side to irony. Think of the significance of a 37-year-old man wearing a Diff’rent Strokes t-shirt. Consider — Diff’rent Strokes was supposed to be groundbreaking, in that it was supposed to show us that whites and blacks can all live together as a family. Consider where we are now. Half the country can’t stand the idea of a black president. There’s an irony there, but it’s not an irony my generation created, by any means.

I say, lets enjoy our subway ride. If people start walking on with no pants, we can get through it. Maybe they’re not making fun of us. Perhaps they’re just orchestrating a poetic moment? This generation isn’t without its problems, but every so often it surprises me. Every so often I think, hey, these kids are on to something. Every so often I even get inspired to be part of it. And that’s not ironic. That’s sincere.

Did I mention I’m poor?

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