Birthday Present

 

My Little Brother Kazu bought me a present!

He’s the sweetest little brother!  He bought me the mug in the picture above.

Isn’t he just the cutest thing?  Well, listen to what he did:  He took a photo of me and he turned it into a sketch.  then he had it printed on an apron.

What??  Super cool!

It’s pretty much the nicest present I’ve gotten since Lex did that watercolor of me.    I was really touched.  What a kind thing to do, right?

Kazu’s a class act.

I’m lucky to have his friendship.  Thanks for the apron, Kazu.  It was the neatest thing.

Have a good Thursday, Jerks.

People Ask Me Questions

People have been asking me questions here and there, lately, and for better or for worse – I’ve started answering them.   I find some of the letters cropping up in my inbox compelling.  Please don’t take my advice.   I’m not a doctor.  I’m just a guy who makes pies and plays the field.  Even so…

(Quick sidebar: this guy got on the train dressed AS A PANDA.  Amazing, right?)

hi michael., how are you?., my name is michael, “oh! same name, great!” lol., member of ur group in piefolk in dlist., 🙂 i just wanna ask ur advise about my, u know something bout sort of personal things., well how will I say this., hhmm.,
well I am an asian and i just moved here in toronto 3 weeks ago., im from Philippines to be specific, if u wanna know., hehe.,
well I am a gay “proud” and honestly i dont have any experience yet in sex with another guy.,and i to mention dont have any plan fucking with girls., cuz u know in my place its just like d ppol der r sooo “conservative” i dont know if its d ryt word to describe them but yes i think they are., and i dont know cuz maybe “maybe” its me had a problem “i guess” in dealing with that thing called “sex”., but i dont think so.,cuz its just lyk they are not my type., many opportunities had come in my lyf to do d thing but im just finding myself backing out., cuz u know it flashes in my mind dat i have to do sex to d one whom i reli love or just my type., not fucking to anyone just to feed my appetite.,
so when we moved here in canada I feel doing such thing., cuz i feel so left behind. i dont wanna grow old having no fuck in lyf., yeah no way!..
so i had dis friend of mine but we just met here in internet.,
he’s from Iceland and he will take a business trip here in toronto on May., and we r planning to meet up and do fuck., he is 49 years old., well so old for me cuz im only 21., 😉 its okey if he’s around 30 or 20 something., but he’s 49., and dats d age of my father come on its like fucking my dad., ew?
so im confused now if im going to meet him just to experince d thing or i will have to wait again for d ryt time., i really need ur advise here and I hope u’ll respond.,
and oh! sorry bout my english., im not dat good., 😉
thank you mike!
xxxx,

Michael

(He took his panda head off and put on what seemed to be a bullet proof vest under his panda costume.  It was probably just panda padding.  I hope. )

Hey Michael,

I think it’s cool we have the same name.  Yay, Philippines!  My last long term boyfriend was from the Philippines.  If I may say so, you guys seem to have a pretty great culture.  Talented, convivial people.

I’m also a proud gay who has no intention of fucking with girls.  Yay!  Gay “prouds”!

Wow.  I guess 21 is a long time to be waiting to lose your virginity, huh?  But I have a few friends that waited even longer than that.  I don’t think they regret it much, on the whole.   They also don’t seem malformed as adults because of waiting so long.   I think that’s something to consider.  You might consider waiting to have sex with this guy, if you’re not attracted to him.

(I was disappointed to read in the paper the next day that no banks had been robbed by Pandas)

Are you attracted to him?  It sounds like you might not be.  Listen, not for nothing, you’re a 21 year old guy – an Asian guy to boot – in a country full of friendly, pasty white stoners.  YOU CAN GET A DATE.  People might be slightly creepy and exoticize you about your ethnic identity, but I think you can probably get a date.  So, are you attracted to him?  It sounds like, from your tone, you’re not.   Then again, maybe you’re on the fence.  It’s very hard to tell online if there would be chemistry in person.

I say make him buy you dinner and prove his case.  Make him take you out.

I’m Icelandic myself, on my father’s side.  I can say this about Icelanders:  We are warm, considerate, stubborn, sweet jerks.  He might charm the pants off you at dinner, and then you can decide if you want your first time to be with someone almost 30 years older than you.  If he acts impatient, don’t sleep with him.  He’s not the right guy for the job.

That’s the thing about hooking up online – you don’t have to go through with it.  It’s just a starting off point.  You can always back out.  Just because you two had some sexy talks online doesn’t mean you have to fuck him.  He’s 30 years older than you.  Make him work for your attraction.

I think  there are plenty of younger gays in your local area that would love to be your first.  But, if you wind up finding this guy attractive, sleep with him.  You’ll be glad it’s over.  Please be respectful of him and if you reject him, find a way to let him keep his pride.

Don’t expect sex to be great the first time.  It can be awkward, and it can take a while to enjoy yourself.  Don’t go through too much pain, though.  If it hurts or he’s not being considerate, make him stop.  Again, if he acts impatient, he’s not the right guy to be taking your virginity.

You’re beautiful, and perfect, and I love you for writing me this letter.  Mabuhay!

xoxoxoxo

Michael

Enjoy the Advice, Jerks.

 

So Long.

 

 

 

I guess it’s selfish of me.  I guess I can’t exactly expect guys to be dying to go out with me, considering that this site sort of forces me to live my life very publicly.  It’s funny – I’m always the last to realize the things other people find crucial, or  fundamental:  if you’re going to blog about your dating life, nobody’s gonna want to date you.

Remember that guy from the stuffed animal robot video?  The one who had no time, and didn’t want to kiss me?  I’ve had a crush on him for years.  For a good while.  I met him online, and he’s been on my iChat queue ever since.  I flirt with him a lot.  I try to make him feel good about himself.  I don’t exactly know why.

He almost never returns compliments.  He seems slightly angry a lot.  Or maybe he’s just annoyed at me.  He sure does treat me like I’m annoying.  That’s pretty regular.  So why do I always try to make him feel good about himself?  Why do I spend time trying to lift him up?  Why do I keep thinking that if I show him how I’d like to be treated,  he’ll eventually reciprocate?  Why?

Why, I don’t – I don’t do that anymore.  Not since he came to visit me on March 15th, at my work, on my birthday.

Me:  Thanks for being so patient.  I was a little busy there for a while.

Him:  Whatever.  I was fine.  I have to get going though.  It’s getting late.

Me:  Seriously?  We haven’t even gotten to talk.  Aw man…

Him:  I know.  But it’s late.

Me:  How are previews?

Him:  I’m here.  In one piece.  So…

Me:  I hear the audiences like it.

Him:  I’m so busy I don’t even notice.

Me: Okay, well, at least you’re opening soon.

Him:  What does that mean?

Me:  I don’t know?  Small talk?  Trying not to bring up my party tomorrow night.

Him:  I told you I can’t go.

Me: I know, you have a cast get together.  It sounds fun.

Him:  I’m glad you understand.

Me:  Did I say that?  I don’t understand, I just realize you’re not coming.

Him:  I have to do this get together thing with the cast.

Me:  I know, but can you imagine, I’ve heard of people doing two social engagements in the same night in New York!  It’s really easy – you just come to my party after the cast thingy.   You have one drink, and then you leave.  It’s called ‘showing up.’  People do it all the time.

Him:  Wow.

Me:  Not wow.  It’s been a long ass time since i fell for a guy, and I can’t have this.

Him:  This?  What?

Me:  This.  Whatever this is.  I can’t have it.  I can’t text you ‘what are you doing tonight’ and then have you answer the question three days later.  That’s the opposite of  ‘showing up.’  That’s being a jerk.

Him:  I was in tech last week.  I’m not good at communicating.

Me: No. You. Are. Not.  But that has to change.  We’re adults.  You’re an adult.

Him: 

Me:  So you’re not going to consider coming to my party as well as your cast party?

Him:  It’s too much for one night.  We’ll hang out later.

Me:  It’s my birthday.  This is  – no.  I can’t have this.  I’m not this guy.  I shouldn’t have to beg you to hang out with me on my birthday.  This has to be stopped.  Here – I’m going to make this really easy for you, okay?

Him:  You’re going to make something easy?

Me:  HAHAHA!  You’re hilarious!  Why are you doing War Horse?  Come do comedy with me downtown.  Look.  Here’s the thing.  You don’t like me.

Him: I do like you.

Me:  You’re not into me.   I tell you you’re pretty, you roll your eyes at me when I tell a joke.  #notintome

You at this point, should not be able to keep your hands off me.  Instead we’ve had three sleep over dates and we fooled around on ONE of those.  #notintome

I ask you to kiss me and you say no.  #notintome

Him:  Stop it.

Me:  Stop what? I’m not judging you.  I’m making observations that lead me to a conclusion. #notintome

Him:  I mean, stop using hash tags outside of Twitter.

Me:  Wrong again.  That’s a thing now too.  People are totally doing it.

Him:  They are not.

Me: They are if I say they are.  The point is – You’re not ready to be dating me.  You should break it off with me.

Him: If you want to know the truth, that’s probably where I’m at right now with this whole thing.

Me:  See?  Thank you.  How adult.  We’re communicating.  This is great.

(pause.  I realize I mean it)

Me:  This is great, kiddo.  I don’t have to worry about you coming to my party.  Or acting bored while you’re there, or acting disinterested in me after it’s over.  This way, we can just be friends.  I can stop wondering how to make you like me, or what’s wrong with my approach.  It doesn’t matter any more, because you don’t want to date me.  That’s a relief.

Him:  Okay good.  I’m glad you’re being so cool about it.

Me:  It’s fine.  I like you.  It’s fine.  You’ll make a good friend.

Him:  Do you mean that?

Me:  No, but I’ll have something to complain about.

Him:  Michael, you’re a really great guy.  You’re very attractive, and you’ve got a lot going for you.

Me:  NOW you compliment me.  Jesus.  This guy.  What am I going to do with you?  Oh wait.  Nothing.

Him:  You’re going to find someone totally special.

Me:  That is sweet.  But you don’t understand.  I just realized.  I’m not dating anyone.  I’m not going to date anyone.

Except Everyone.  I might just date everyone.  Jerks.

 

People Ask Me Questions

Don’t ask me why.  People have started asking me questions: I’ll try to answer them respectfully.  Unless I don’t.  Please be aware that these are my opinions, and I’m a guy who photographs myself and my pals making pies semi naked.  Meaning:  I’m not a therapist or whatever.

Michael,

I need some boy advice.  I’ve been dating a guy for three and a half months.  Things are generally going well: we have an awesome time together, the sex is good, and I love him a lot.  We have a couple of problems, though.  The first is that our work schedules don’t match up so well, which makes it difficult for us to spend a lot of time together.  We have to try and plan so that we can hang out twice a week, and even then sometimes he’ll get called into work at the last minute.  The other problem is that he’s still going through the coming out process (as a bisexual – he’s only been with women before me), and him having one foot in the closet is causing a lot of issues.  When we hang out with friends who he’s not out to he’s overly distant because he’s worried they’ll think we’re together.  And he has a really machismo grandpa who came over once unannounced, and I was hidden away in his room alone for the visit.  Then when I got angry that he hid me away, he made me feel bad for giving him a hard time about it.  It’s really awkward because I could just pose as a friend of his, but instead he just shuts me out.  So on one hand I understand how difficult the coming out process is, but on the other, I just feel I’m being mistreated here.  What should I do?

– Mike

 

Mike,

 

Kiddo.  You’re absolutely right.  He is mistreating you.  In a big way.

I can’t tell you how much it hurts my heart when you evoke this image:  I think of  you sitting alone in that room.  Abandoned by the guy who’s supposed to be loving you.  Lonely.  Like how you felt before you came out of the closet, huh?  Do you remember that feeling?  Like you were destined to be shut away?  Like every sort of loving, warm emotion you’d ever have would be locked up and stifled?  Remember feeling like you should hide the part of yourself that some straight people find disgusting?

So, do you wanna go back to feeling like that?

I’ll answer for you:  No.  You don’t.  Kid, you seem really smart.  You can’t afford to feel that way about yourself.  Dating this guy says you’re willing to participate in a world where we accept that people are disgusted by us.  You’re out.  You’re no longer participating in that.  You should be proud of that.  That makes you good.

This guy, your boy friend?  He wants you to buy into this logic:  “My grandfather has the right to think you’re disgusting and evil for loving me, and my grandfather’s feelings are much more important than yours – to the extent that I will deny your existence to him.”  Don’t buy into that logic.  He wants you to feel a little ashamed, too, so that he can use that shame to get  you to capitulate to sharing his misery with him.  That makes him evil.

You have a high self esteem.  You proved it by coming out at all.  But having a high self esteem isn’t where a great human ends up – it’s the STARTING POINT.  You now have to protect your self esteem at all costs.   The world still wants you to feel ashamed, but you don’t have to participate.

How do you not participate?  Simple, but not easy.  DO NOT associate yourself with anyone who associates homosexuality with shame, or finds it disgusting, ugly, or makes excuses for it apologetically.    That includes other gays, and bis, like your boyfriend.  There are plenty of gays out there who hate themselves, and there are plenty of them that should.  But they should hate themselves for being jerks, not for being gay.  I’m kidding.  Sort of.

(I’m not at ALL kidding)

Maybe I spoke too strongly.  Maybe your boyfriend isn’t EVIL.  But his thought patterns are  contributing to an evil world.  Let’s focus on the good, huh, Mike?  Let’s hang out with people that respect each other and value themselves.  Sorry to say this.  I know you love him but listen:  you have to ditch him.  He is not a man he is a scared little boy.  And people do awful things when they’re scared.  He’ll do it again.  He’ll put himself before you again.    Ditch.

I’m going to say it again.  Ditch.  Ditch him.  What he’s showing you is not love.

You’re lovely Mike.  Be lovely.  Be loved.  Let yourself be loved.  That is my advice.

 

 

 

FriDATE: A Fake Person

I’m a sucker for dirty white people doing bluegrass music.  It makes me feel like home in the Ozarks.

 

Sometimes People ask me on dates.  They see me online.  Maybe they think I’m the solution to their life’s problems, or loneliness.  Invariably I prove them wrong:

Him: Hey, OMG I can’t believe it.

Me:  Thanks?  What happened?  Are my horns showing?

Him:  What? I was going to say I can’t believe it’s the Pie man.

Me:  I was making a joke, a bad joke, about me being Jewish.

Him:  Are you Jewish?

Me:  No.

(pause)

Me:  It just occurred to me to say it.  I thought it would be funny.  It’s my job to say and do funny things, so I kind of blurt out inappropriate stuff sometimes.  Sorry, if I offended you…  Are you Jewish?

Him:  No, but I could have been.  What if they heard you?

Me:  Who?

Him:  The Jews?

Me:  The Jews? Every Jewish person in the world?

Him:  No, but if someone was Jewish.

Me: Someone probably is.  I said it was inappropriate.  I’m sorry.  You’re super cute, pal.

Him:  Ugh.  I’m ugly today.

Me:  Nah.  You’re cute.

Him:  Thanks, are those real glasses?

Me:  Not in the slightest.  Well, I mean.  They’re real.  They’re made of glass and plastic.

Him:  Where did you get them?

Me:  I had an affair with someone who left them at my house.

Him:  Oh Jesus…  And you co-opted his look?

Me:  Er…  I guess so.  I guess I did.  I kind of just like putting on costumes and being other people.  I’m an actor too.

Him: Ugh.  Actors.

Me:  Tell me about it.  Oh you just did.  Just kidding. (pause)   Stop it,  I’m just kidding.  So you’re into pies, you said?

Him:  I have to be honest.  I  kind of hate that the glasses are fake.

Me:  Why?

Him:  Because it means that you’re a fake person.

Me:  No, I mean why do you have to be honest?  We live in a SOCIETY.  We can’t afford to start being HONEST with each other all the sudden.

(pause)

Me:  This is bad news.  I thought I was real.  I thought I was a real person.  I better tell my mother.

Him:  Shut UP.  I mean…  well, look at me.  I wear glasses.

Me:  Are they FAKE?

Him:  No, I need them.  They’re real.  And that’s a handicap.  So when you wear them it’s like you’re making fun of me.

Me:  No.  It’s not.

Him:  Yes, it kind of is.

Me:  I don’t put on my glasses and think to myself, this will really fuck with the heads of people who wear real glasses.  I don’t have any malice toward people who wear glasses.  I think it’s sexy, kind of, and I feel sexy in the glasses, oddly enough.  Can’t a homo feel sexy, once in a while?  I didn’t even seek them out.  They quite literally fell in my lap.  See what I did there?

Him:  You think you’re funny but you’re not.

Me:  Thanks.  I’d prefer if you said ‘That joke’s not funny. It doesn’t work.’  Please don’t tell me I’m not funny.

Him:  Oh really.

Me:  Yes really.

Him:  Why not?

Me:  Here’s why:  What do you do?

Him:  I’m a nurse.

Me:  Okay.  Now pretend you’re me for a second.  Ready?

Him:  Okay.

Me:  You’re a terrible nurse.  You let your patients die all the time and you rape people in comas.

Him:  What?  That’s not true.

Me:  And even if it was, it wouldn’t be for me to say.  I haven’t watched you work.  I don’t know that to be true.  That’s what you do when you call a comic unfunny.  If you’re going to call me unfunny, come see my show first.  Did you think it was funny when I said you rape people in comas?

Him:  No.  There’s problems with that, at hospitals, sometimes.  Rarely.  I’ve heard of that.  That’s not funny.

Me:  Well, you say potato –  I say hilarious.  So, hey, you really are super cute.

Him:  I don’t like that you brought up rape on the subway platform.

Me:  What?  It’s a perfect place to rape someone.  Besides – nobody’s listening, except all the Jews in the world.

Him:  Take those glasses off.

Me:  I don’t think I will, but thanks for the feedback.

Him:  Come on, just take them off.

Me: No.  Wait, okay. I will.  If you kiss me, right here.

Him:  What?  No.

Me:  Okay, so the glasses stay on then.

(long uncomfortable pause)

Surprise Ending:  I didn’t get a kiss.  I stopped wanting one, though.

Just give me my damn antibiotics,  RIGHT AID.  Stop trying to link my corporate success with your pharmacy.

Enjoy your weekend, Jerks.

 

 

Visit From a Lephrechaun

photos by Erwin Caluya Photography

My friend Jason contacted me.  He was appalled that I hadn’t had him on yet.  I was too.

I mean, look at him!

He really wanted us to bake something with Guinness, for St. Patrick’s Day.  What was I gonna say?  No?

We made a quick bread made of Guinness, ginger, rasin, and walnut.

I was happy Jason came over.

He and I are old friends.  We did shows together in the past, and we’ll continue to collaborate.  He’s the kind of guy it’s easy to respect.

Jason is a very talented actor.  Also, he’s very funny.

He wanted me to tell you how to make the bread:

2 cups brown sugar
1 cup mashed bananas
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon Vanilla extract
2 tablespoons oil
3 cups all purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon allspice
1 tablespoon cardamom
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
2 cups Guinness
2 cups broken walnuts
2 cups raisins
1 tablespoon finely grated fresh ginger


Preheat oven to 350 F . Lightly grease two 9X5 inch loaf pans
In a large bowl cream the brown sugar, banana, eggs, vanilla and oil.
Set aside.
In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda, salt,
cinnamon, allspice, cardamom and cloves.
Alternately blend the flour mixture and the Guinness into the creamed
mixture.
Stir in the walnuts, raisins, and ginger to the mixture and blend well.
Pour into the two greased 9X5 loaf pans.
Bake in a 350 degree F oven for 1 hour or until an inserted toothpick emerges dry and clean.
Leave in pan for 15 minutes to cool before turning out to cool
completely on rack.

The bread turned out wonderfully.   Jason was  a charming guest.  Jason told me about his t-shirt company.  He runs a company with a few friends of his, when he’s not starring in plays.

He’s very well rounded…

Jason and I were happy about the quick bread:

I think we can both recommend this recipe for your St. Patrick’s Day.

Jason’s a pretty impressive man.

He was light-hearted and playful.  I’d have him over any time.  His recipe was perfect.

He’s nice.
Happy St. Patty’s Day.

Enjoy Jason Blaine, Jerks…