Sometimes People ask me on dates. They see me online. Maybe they think I’m the solution to their life’s problems, or loneliness. Invariably I prove them wrong:
Him: Hey, OMG I can’t believe it.
Me: Thanks? What happened? Are my horns showing?
Him: What? I was going to say I can’t believe it’s the Pie man.
Me: I was making a joke, a bad joke, about me being Jewish.
Him: Are you Jewish?
Me: It just occurred to me to say it. I thought it would be funny. It’s my job to say and do funny things, so I kind of blurt out inappropriate stuff sometimes. Sorry, if I offended you… Are you Jewish?
Him: No, but I could have been. What if they heard you?
Him: The Jews?
Me: The Jews? Every Jewish person in the world?
Him: No, but if someone was Jewish.
Me: Someone probably is. I said it was inappropriate. I’m sorry. You’re super cute, pal.
Him: Ugh. I’m ugly today.
Me: Nah. You’re cute.
Him: Thanks, are those real glasses?
Me: Not in the slightest. Well, I mean. They’re real. They’re made of glass and plastic.
Him: Where did you get them?
Me: I had an affair with someone who left them at my house.
Him: Oh Jesus… And you co-opted his look?
Me: Er… I guess so. I guess I did. I kind of just like putting on costumes and being other people. I’m an actor too.
Him: Ugh. Actors.
Me: Tell me about it. Oh you just did. Just kidding. (pause) Stop it, I’m just kidding. So you’re into pies, you said?
Him: I have to be honest. I kind of hate that the glasses are fake.
Him: Because it means that you’re a fake person.
Me: No, I mean why do you have to be honest? We live in a SOCIETY. We can’t afford to start being HONEST with each other all the sudden.
Me: This is bad news. I thought I was real. I thought I was a real person. I better tell my mother.
Him: Shut UP. I mean… well, look at me. I wear glasses.
Me: Are they FAKE?
Him: No, I need them. They’re real. And that’s a handicap. So when you wear them it’s like you’re making fun of me.
Me: No. It’s not.
Him: Yes, it kind of is.
Me: I don’t put on my glasses and think to myself, this will really fuck with the heads of people who wear real glasses. I don’t have any malice toward people who wear glasses. I think it’s sexy, kind of, and I feel sexy in the glasses, oddly enough. Can’t a homo feel sexy, once in a while? I didn’t even seek them out. They quite literally fell in my lap. See what I did there?
Him: You think you’re funny but you’re not.
Me: Thanks. I’d prefer if you said ‘That joke’s not funny. It doesn’t work.’ Please don’t tell me I’m not funny.
Him: Oh really.
Me: Yes really.
Him: Why not?
Me: Here’s why: What do you do?
Him: I’m a nurse.
Me: Okay. Now pretend you’re me for a second. Ready?
Me: You’re a terrible nurse. You let your patients die all the time and you rape people in comas.
Him: What? That’s not true.
Me: And even if it was, it wouldn’t be for me to say. I haven’t watched you work. I don’t know that to be true. That’s what you do when you call a comic unfunny. If you’re going to call me unfunny, come see my show first. Did you think it was funny when I said you rape people in comas?
Him: No. There’s problems with that, at hospitals, sometimes. Rarely. I’ve heard of that. That’s not funny.
Me: Well, you say potato – I say hilarious. So, hey, you really are super cute.
Him: I don’t like that you brought up rape on the subway platform.
Me: What? It’s a perfect place to rape someone. Besides – nobody’s listening, except all the Jews in the world.
Him: Take those glasses off.
Me: I don’t think I will, but thanks for the feedback.
Him: Come on, just take them off.
Me: No. Wait, okay. I will. If you kiss me, right here.
Him: What? No.
Me: Okay, so the glasses stay on then.
(long uncomfortable pause)
Surprise Ending: I didn’t get a kiss. I stopped wanting one, though.
Just give me my damn antibiotics, RIGHT AID. Stop trying to link my corporate success with your pharmacy.
Enjoy your weekend, Jerks.